Name: USapple1 Title: Father/Daughter Relationships

I posted this under another topic after I realized it hasn't been visited in a while.
I would lke to know what people think about my situation. My fiance and his daughter kiss on the lips. It wierds me out. It seems as though she really needs it and I don't understand why. Last night for example she leaned in twice to kiss him and then she was still standing waiting for another kiss. He grabed the back of her neck and pulled her forward for another. I asked him about it and he laughed and said it was because he wanted her to hurry and get to bed.
He also like to show affection to her by stroking her hair or her arm and he denies it but i've seen him smack her butt(which he does to his son as well), When they sit together on the couch she'll lay against him with her arm across his lap or his across hers and I wonder what would happen if she brushes him or visa versa. She used to lay on him but I told him it was inappropriate and she hasn't done that in a while. I find myself thinking that I don't like this behavior because I think of it as things him and I do and I think that the affection a man shows to his daughter should be different the the affection he shows his fiance. Also, she is 13 and hasn't hit puberty yet. I wonder what if she never gets uncofortable with these shows of affection. I find myself not wanting to be affectionate with him after these things go on. What do you think?  ?

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Name: Emma • Date: 03/06/2007 19:06:02

i think she a kid thats lucky thats she got a close relationship with her dad, would you think it was strange if it was the other way round being a mum and son?? proberly not.
why dont you just speak to him about it??  =

Name: rachtwins • Date: 03/07/2007 04:09:18

Its innocent lovely to see a Father show his affection for his daughter. Sounds to me like your a little jelous.  =

Name: USapple1 • Date: 03/07/2007 13:33:16

Emma and rachtwins, thank you for your replies!

I have spoken to him about it and he doesn't understand. I may be jealous...it sounds crazy to me and if that's my problem I am very ashamed. I don't and never have had a relationship with my father so I don't have any examples of how it should be. Maybe if he was the same with the rest of our children I wouldn't be uncomfortable with it. I strongly believe he favors her over the other children and I think I resent it. I don't believe that it's o.k. to choose favorites among your children. Recently I've been doing a lot of soul searching to try to figure out what's wrong with me. I think I should find a way to accept his relationship with his daughter but how do I do that without compromising my own beliefs or values?

Please respond if you have any insight. This has put a strain on our relationship and I want to get past it in the most efficient and positive way.

Thanks a million!  =

Name: nicole miller • Date: 03/07/2007 16:53:22

My dad and I were very close... and my hubby is very close to his daughter... and I would still be pretty disturbed by what you described. I don't think, in my oppinion only, that it's appropriate. I certainly wouldn't allow it in my house.

Maybe I just read into things to much, but body language says a lot. Kissing on the lips (a peck) is okay - but where his hands are would make all the difference (i.e. back of the neck would NOT be okay with me).

I just asked hubby what he thought (his daughter is 14) and he said "Gross... that's gross..." Brittani and him don't kiss on the lips period. They hug. The last time he kissed Brittani was probably 6 months ago.. and it was on the forehead when she was leaving to go back to her mothers.  =

Name: USapple1 • Date: 03/07/2007 21:04:00

Thanks Nicole for your reply.

I agree with you. I wouldn't allow it in my house either. The problem is we're a blended family and what I get from him is that he doesn't see anything wrong with it. "It's his daughter and he wants to show her he cares.'' We've had some issues with my moving in. I have a way I like things done and when I mention alternatives he says that it's hard for him to change the way he's been doing things that he's been doing for years.

Hopefully I will get a chance to talk to him tonight. Thank you for your input.  =

Name: babey_g_311 • Date: 03/10/2007 19:07:15

I don't think its wrong....everyone is different...like when I was growing up I felt uncomfortable even hugging my dad....but than ive seen lots of families that show affection like your husband does.....it just has to do with how he was raised. My daughter is only 5 weeks old but when she got older I think if my husband did most of that stuff it wouldn't bother me...unless the kiss on the lips was more than a peck i guess.....  =

Name: tartbones • Date: 06/15/2007 12:11:07

uhm, wow, i don't know what to think, id never do that.

i think you should tell her to grow up.  =

Name: mystery • Date: 07/02/2007 16:42:53

iiiiiiiiii hhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaattttttttttttttteeeeeeeeeeee mmmmyyyyy ddddddddaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaddddddddddddd ssssssssssssssooooooooo mmmmmmmmuuuuuuuccccchhhhhhh
!!!!!!!!!!  =

Name: Kathy • Date: 07/09/2007 21:07:27

as I said before I would rather kiss my dad on the lips then have dad spank me on my ass  =

Name: kmarsh3939 • Date: 07/09/2007 23:19:44

I would probably say that it was innocent had I not been experiencing a similar situation - but the daughter is 24. They see each other naked. she sleeps with himin his king size bed when she comes up to visit - every other weekend, until just recently - and not even always - i am not invited around when she is here. they smack on the lips when she leaves. I feel like the other woman. So I say - be VERY careful. He sees nothing wrong either - He has been divorced for 13 yrs and they have had all this time to "see nothing unusual about it". He will not understand your concern or see what you see. But would he be embarassed for his buddies to see them interact?  =

Name: observer • Date: 08/08/2007 12:26:28

i was hoping all of you could help me out. i am married to kind-loving man with a 14.5 year old daughter from a previous marriage. during our time together she has been doing stuff that is consider very inappropriate - she sits on his lap for long periods of time constantly shifting, has strattled his lap directly over his crotch, has tried several times to pull down his pants when they are playing tag or are in the pool, spoons with him and sleeps in our bed when i am on business travel. when i brought all of these things to his attention as inappropriate behavior he stopped them right away. although it was a huge adjustment, she is doing much better but slips up once in a while by trying to sit on his lap or spoon with him and he does not correct it until i speak up which always turns into a huge verbal fight. in my mind he is sending a mixed messages, which can lead to other problems. recently i noticed that when he talks to her on the phone or instant message he touches himself (descreetly in his own mind but very visible to the rest of the world) by holding on to his johnson or gets a slight woody; which i find disgusting. although i do not think he is a molester i do think there is a degree of sexual attraction between them and i don't know how to bring that up without him blaming me for thinking such sick thoughts. by the way, she also does the same type of things with her step dad and in my mind if her dad gets a slight woody while talking to her who knows what kind of reaction she gets from the step dad. do you think she is getting this behavior from someone that is molestering her or is she exploring puberty/sexuality with the two men she is close to? although i blame the men in this case, especially the dad (as he is getting something out of it too) can someone please tell me how i should deal with all of this? is it better to walk away or save the relationship?  =

Name: Natasha1 • Date: 08/10/2007 09:16:12

This is hard sounds very weird but my opinion is this is way too over affectionate!!! Im not sure wat to say here although the best option is sit and talk 2 him or mayb say one day shes gettin too old for that!!!  =

Name: Observer • Date: 08/15/2007 00:30:35

Thanks for your input Natasha1!  =

Name: anon • Date: 08/22/2007 02:31:52

do a little research. it is perfectly normal. in fact, fathers pulling away from daughters is not healthy. youre so worried about incest? research. seldom is incest done by the father. its uncles, cousins, etc. close male siblings. but not dad. im sorry you all were raised with distant fathers who didnt know how to relate to their daughters. you missed out. but dont project that on men who know how to be affectionate to their kids, male or female.  =

Name: Lily • Date: 10/04/2007 17:35:41

LIghten up and stop being so jeolous. If she didn't like it she wouldn't be asking for more and if he was uncomfortable he would stop. Seems like you are the only one objecting and you are not even related by marriage..just a shack up.  =

Name: irish Amy • Date: 10/04/2007 18:59:33

I totally agree with with nicole miller, a kiss on the lips is fine but the hand on the back of the neck is a no no, also where the hand goes makes or breaks something as far as I'm concerned, if you are uncomfortable with something then thats how you feel and you should'nt have to compromise that, its lovely that they are close and he is so affectionate with her but there is a line  =

Name: MISTY • Date: 10/07/2007 12:16:57

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? MY FATHER DID IT TO ME. IT DEFINITELY HAPPENS FROM FATHERS. I AM IN THE SAME SITUATION NOW AND IT IS NOT JEALOUSY. IT IS CALLED BEING AWARE OF YOUR SURROUNDINGS. IT IS ENTIRELY POSSIBLE THAT IS INNOCENT BUT IT IS INAPPROPRIATE AND IF IT DOESN'T STOP IT COULD GO FURTHER.  =

Name: wessiepooh12 • Date: 10/08/2007 15:02:05

dude thats weird im 13 and me n my daddy dont talk at all
if possibe

i hate him and he hates me thats the ways its always been...

do you think maybe they are just a tad bit too close???  =

Name: Filipa • Date: 11/01/2007 13:06:17

I have a daughter of 4 yr, and sometimes she wants to go to the W.C. when her father is there. From the beginer, when she was 1-2 years old, i tell her father that´s inappropriate and i allways try to prevent it. Today he get up early and went to a bath. when i get up my daughter was with him in the bath, both were naked. She was happy but it was an issue because i told her, friendly, to get out of the bath. Her father stayed anger with me and told me it was inocent and my thoughts are naughty. i sitll think it´s not appropriate.  =

Name: Who • Date: 11/01/2007 18:00:55

Filipa,

You Are Freak.  =

Name: Filipa • Date: 11/02/2007 08:02:40

what do you mean by freak? thanks  =

Name: In the same boat • Date: 11/06/2007 15:54:17

My fiance is doing some of the same things too. When him and his 12 year old daughter kiss they hold it. Sometimes he uses his thumb and gooses me in my crotch area, I told his I didnt like that and he said when i do that to my daughter she laughs. They sleep in the same bed together when she stays with him because he rents a bedroom from a friend but is perfectly happy to keep it that way instead of starting a new life with me in our own house were she would have her own bed. He makes comments about her body like how she is so cute cause her legs are so muscular and sais oh she looked so cute today with her tight sweater on.?????? What is that? He also when talking about her starts to cry. I don't know what to think anymore. HELP!  =

Name: Stop Causing Problems • Date: 12/17/2007 20:36:36

I am a 32 year old step mother of two teenage daughters and a victim of a wicked step mother. When I was a ltitle girl my step mother did everything in her power to destroy my relationship with my father and she did. I would never do that to my step daughters. You women do not have the authority to make decisions and demands to your husbands or boyfriend about the relationship they have developed with their children.IT IS NOT YOUR CALL. He produced that child without your help and he does not need your help in raising his child. If you can not deal with their relationship - JUST LEAVE and STOP CAUSING PROBLEMS. To this day it makes me so happy because my Father finally came to his senses and divorce that BI***. Now she is a miserable, lonely, old, single woman. He is happly remarried. But our relationship was damaged for life. I blame him for not stepping up to the plate earlier and putting her in her place. Hopefully, these men will see that you will be a nuisance and leave; especially the girlfriends. You don't even have his last name and you are already trying to make changes. These are the things that men hate and it will drive them away or in the arms of another woman. How would you like for someone to tell you who to raise your children and what kind of affection to give them? Just find someone with no children.  =

Name: marcella • Date: 01/14/2008 19:40:18

And then we wonder why it's consistantly an issue of children getting molested by relatives,because we think its ok to show this kind of affection until something bad happens. This is not jelousy I think ur just being cautious and ur right that type of affection is for man & woman NOT father & daughter.  =

Name: lonleyemokid15 • Date: 01/20/2008 12:30:21

i just have noone nedd someone or something i dont care what i have 2 do  =

Name: joyce • Date: 02/03/2008 19:51:20

i like men with daughters and whos 35  =

Name: joyce • Date: 02/03/2008 19:52:41

a man whos 45 and got a daughter and who make money  =

Name: torn too • Date: 02/05/2008 18:21:07

I have a similar situation going on myself. My boyfriend has twins- boy/girl age 13. The boy constantly gets reprimanded all of the time and the girl gets away with murder. My boyfriend even discusses punishments for his son with his daughter. If she does something to the boy and I make note of it he says I am jealous. When we are together he will kiss me on the forehead or quickly check to see if she sees him kiss me whenever he kisses me on the lips. His boy smiles when he see affection between my boyfriend and I, and my 9 year old acts like it's no big deal.

It totally weirds me out because of the combination of the favoritism he shows her over his son and because of his hiding his affection towards me. He used to cuddle up next to her in bed until I got really mad last year. He called me peverted, but he still kisses her on the lips even though he knows it makes me uncomfortable. He also sits with her at every restaurant we go to, and she is always sitting on him or draping herself on him.  =

Name: caucajun32 • Date: 02/07/2008 00:06:15

Sounds like you pretty jealous and the "green monster" has you by the perverbial ______,.
You say his daughter hasn't hit puberty yet, so she is still his little girl, she won't be for very much longer. She will pull away when she's ready. He is giving her affection, not sexuality ! Girls are different than boys, they need the attention of their fathers, and your seen as a "foriegn body" in the blood stream of her family.
You stated that he pats her on her rump, .......... ?and? there is nothing wrong with this show of affection, society is so f_cked up, when it comes to fathers touching their children.
A mother can touch, hug, kiss, stroke, caress, lay on the couch with, their children and nothing is thought of it.
Men are only human and are now giving the same affections that women have given the children for thousands of years, because we men arn't in the fields reaping the crops from dawn to dusk. We have softened and become more caring, and actually have time for and with the kids.
Richard Pryor had a skit that he did about a witch doctor with a monkey and a line from his skit went as follows,
"The monkey lives here, your just visiting".
You either need to go get some counseling, or divorce him. You keep fishing for someone to validate your point of view.  =

Name: shay • Date: 02/10/2008 05:22:27

too close  =

Name: lindalu • Date: 02/10/2008 09:38:38

I have read a lot of these step mum ~vs~ step daughter posts and most of them are step mum jealous of the attention dad is giving his daughter.  =

Name: dadof4girls • Date: 02/17/2008 19:26:59

I want to say that the affection that a girl has for her daughter is normal. When they hit the 13-15 age, it changes... sometimes with a vengence. She will push him away to a degree.
If you feel that it needs limitations, then sit your man down and tell him how you feel. He can set the limitations with her. If you make a show out of it, you will drive a wedge between her and you, and it will be come a compitition for her. But, if you support her love for her father, and allow them to have a "healthy" relationship, there there will be no worries.
Keep in mind, that the closer they are, ther less likely she will fall into the arms of another her age or older to compensate.... Then it gets ugly.
Also, I have a step daughter, and my wife is a step mother. Be very careful of the jealousy that can happen either way. Keep in mind she is just a little girl, and wont have an adult brain until her early 20's. Your role as a step parent is strained to begin with! There is never a perfect step parent/child relationship, let alone a perfect biological parent/child relationship.
Bottom line, it's not as bad as you may think, and she's not as close as you may think. Coming from a father of 4 girls, I have seen the good, the bad, and the ugly! I have come to the conclusion that women are just wacked in general!! LOL.
Good luck and patience!  =

Name: Danina • Date: 02/18/2008 10:50:24

I think it is very dysfunctional that the father allows his daughter to kiss him on the lips, that should be reserved for lovers. We have facial cheeks for dads t o kiss and also bear hugs are always good. Also I think your fiancee is playing a power trip and also knows this bothers you and is toying with jealousy. Young daughters unfortunately are pawns for either revenge or to boost their male testoserone ego. I say, keep away from this guy, it will only get worse. Believe me.  =

Name: torn too • Date: 02/20/2008 12:56:03

Just because she is thirteen doesn't mean she hasn't hit puberty yet. My boyfriend's daugther started menstrating at 11.5 and my boyfriend didn't say anything until 6 months later when I said I thought she was, and we should start buying products to keep in the house so she didn't feel embarassed about asking him. However, this is not an issue ... she has no problem talking to him about her change in life or showing him her privates when her bathing suit is bothering her.

I think some of you are casting nasty judgements about jealousy, but you do not really comprehend our concerns at all. Some men don't mean to but they do bestow their female children with an emotionally intimacy that is inappropriate. It is poor judgment as my therapist likes to call it. I will not call it emotional incest as I have heard other people call it, but it is inappropriate none the less and the only way it will change is when the father can sit down and see exactly what he is doing.

Dr. Phil has some articles on his website too if anyone is interested.  =

Name: og217 • Date: 03/04/2008 15:10:25

What you're describing is repulsive. And the poster who thinks that women should "mind their business" are sadly deluded. First of all, a husband is a woman's business. And secondly, the poster is just bitter because she found out for herself that most men chose their wife.  =

Name: jshubert • Date: 03/04/2008 21:35:05

I feel for your situation. For those who respond ro you and say that you are jealous are obviously are not a step parent and can appreciate the different perspective. The father/daughter dynamics is complicated. Kissing on the lips should stop after a certain age. fortunantly my ex husband gets it and RESPECTS the fact the his daughter is getting older and there are obvious changes coming. Being affectiate hads nothing to do with crossing the line. a hug should provide the same emoion. Locking lips is not necessary. Not everything is EVERYTHING is age appropriate....those who do not recognize that live in a barn. godd luck. It is tough. for what ever its worth I believe you want the best for his daughter.  =

Name: PAT • Date: 03/13/2008 18:47:08

I HAVE THE SAME THING GOING ON AT MY HOUSE AND I DON'T LIKE IT.IT'S NOT A GOOD THING IF YOU SIT AND WATCH IT IT MAKES ME WAN'T TO LEAVE HIM.MY STEP DAUGHTER WILL LISTEN AT MY BEDROOM DOOR TO LISTEM TO WHATS GOING ON INSIDE SHE GATS MAD WHEN HER DAD SHOWS ME AFFECTION.SO NO YOU ARE NOT WRONG IF THESE GIRLS GO TO SCHOOL AND TELLS SOMEONE THAT HER FATHER LIKES TO KISS HER OR SOMETHING WELL IT'S NOT A GOOD THING. AND THAT IS A BIG PERIOD  =

Name: og217 • Date: 03/14/2008 13:40:23

Once again - this is repugnant. The child is obviously trying to "compete" with you on a "woman" level. Allowing it is disgusting and stupid - the child is not his "woman," so this is a competition she cannot win. The longer she "competes" the harder it will be when she finally "loses." Your fiance needs to understand that he is teaching his daughter to compete for men with physical affection. This is just going to lead to a promiscuous, unhappy teenager. He needs to sit her down and maybe you should be there too, and explain to her that she is his daughter and he loves her, and you are going to be his wife. Neither one of you can be both and you can't switch roles. Lip kisses, sleeping in the same bed, and lap sitting are for lovers (or babies). The end. If she can't accept that, I would suggest a shrink. I mean, what's next? Intercourse?  =

Name: Rockstar Babii • Date: 03/17/2008 11:40:35

ok sooo me && my DAd use to be sooo close but now its like he don't care that i'm alive i started to rebel when i moved to this new town outside the city but i dont kno i love my dad but i think he hates me wat should i do  =

Name: J • Date: 03/24/2008 09:58:47

The term for this behavior is EMOTIONAL INCEST. It occurs when one parent treats a child in a way they would normally treat a partner. There are many links and books on the topic which I greatly encourage you to research. You need not feel wrong or bad because you are the one who understand healthly boundaries.  =

Name: Bj. • Date: 03/24/2008 16:50:03

Hi,
i do not envey yoou, do not beleive you are jelous have been thru the same situation and 7 years later the father is still the same with 24year old daughter it borders initially on transferral of affection from ex wife to daughter is this icestual if only emotional yes. kissing and touchy feely is not ok. usually if you think something is not right normally it isn't - jealousy does not come from what is happening fear and scared of the situation is about the physcial contact - good luck what do your friends say does this happen infront of people or only just behind closed doors.  =

Name: Vicki • Date: 04/12/2008 20:15:09

I feel very sorry for you and the situation at home with your fiance'. My advice to is get out while you can before the wedding or you will only grow to hate this man. I know I have been in the same situation with my husband and his daughter for 10 years and he treats her as though she is the wife and I am the child (it makes me sick to my stomach). My step-daughter has pretty much ruled the roost in our house ever since I have been with my husband. He gives her all of his emotional closeness and I get emotional abuse, belittled ,criticized and called totally insane. I am now leaving my husband for a real man and not an incestuos emotional abuser that can't separate wife from daughter.  =

Name: David Alan Loy • Date: 04/18/2008 10:03:29

I think if you are concerned with the emotional wellbeing of our children you need to go the www.C2Rdistribution.com and www.WilliamFain.com and see “A Father’s Rights”
"The film drew me in -- I laughed, got angry, nearly cried and cheered at the jury verdict. This is a must see movie for anyone that believes children deserve both
parents and their extended families."

Carnell Smith
www.PaternityFraud.com

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