| Name: lindalu | Date: Feb 10th, 2008 9:38 AM |
| I have read a lot of these step mum ~vs~ step daughter posts and most of them are step mum jealous of the attention dad is giving his daughter. ↑ |
| Name: dadof4girls | Date: Feb 17th, 2008 7:26 PM |
I want to say that the affection that a girl has for her daughter is normal. When they hit the 13-15 age, it changes... sometimes with a vengence. She will push him away to a degree.
If you feel that it needs limitations, then sit your man down and tell him how you feel. He can set the limitations with her. If you make a show out of it, you will drive a wedge between her and you, and it will be come a compitition for her. But, if you support her love for her father, and allow them to have a "healthy" relationship, there there will be no worries.
Keep in mind, that the closer they are, ther less likely she will fall into the arms of another her age or older to compensate.... Then it gets ugly.
Also, I have a step daughter, and my wife is a step mother. Be very careful of the jealousy that can happen either way. Keep in mind she is just a little girl, and wont have an adult brain until her early 20's. Your role as a step parent is strained to begin with! There is never a perfect step parent/child relationship, let alone a perfect biological parent/child relationship.
Bottom line, it's not as bad as you may think, and she's not as close as you may think. Coming from a father of 4 girls, I have seen the good, the bad, and the ugly! I have come to the conclusion that women are just wacked in general!! LOL.
Good luck and patience! ↑ |
| Name: Danina | Date: Feb 18th, 2008 10:50 AM |
| I think it is very dysfunctional that the father allows his daughter to kiss him on the lips, that should be reserved for lovers. We have facial cheeks for dads t o kiss and also bear hugs are always good. Also I think your fiancee is playing a power trip and also knows this bothers you and is toying with jealousy. Young daughters unfortunately are pawns for either revenge or to boost their male testoserone ego. I say, keep away from this guy, it will only get worse. Believe me. ↑ |
| Name: torn too | Date: Feb 20th, 2008 12:56 PM |
Just because she is thirteen doesn't mean she hasn't hit puberty yet. My boyfriend's daugther started menstrating at 11.5 and my boyfriend didn't say anything until 6 months later when I said I thought she was, and we should start buying products to keep in the house so she didn't feel embarassed about asking him. However, this is not an issue ... she has no problem talking to him about her change in life or showing him her privates when her bathing suit is bothering her.
I think some of you are casting nasty judgements about jealousy, but you do not really comprehend our concerns at all. Some men don't mean to but they do bestow their female children with an emotionally intimacy that is inappropriate. It is poor judgment as my therapist likes to call it. I will not call it emotional incest as I have heard other people call it, but it is inappropriate none the less and the only way it will change is when the father can sit down and see exactly what he is doing.
Dr. Phil has some articles on his website too if anyone is interested. ↑ |
| Name: og217 | Date: Mar 4th, 2008 3:10 PM |
| What you're describing is repulsive. And the poster who thinks that women should "mind their business" are sadly deluded. First of all, a husband is a woman's business. And secondly, the poster is just bitter because she found out for herself that most men chose their wife. ↑ |
| Name: jshubert | Date: Mar 4th, 2008 9:35 PM |
| I feel for your situation. For those who respond ro you and say that you are jealous are obviously are not a step parent and can appreciate the different perspective. The father/daughter dynamics is complicated. Kissing on the lips should stop after a certain age. fortunantly my ex husband gets it and RESPECTS the fact the his daughter is getting older and there are obvious changes coming. Being affectiate hads nothing to do with crossing the line. a hug should provide the same emoion. Locking lips is not necessary. Not everything is EVERYTHING is age appropriate....those who do not recognize that live in a barn. godd luck. It is tough. for what ever its worth I believe you want the best for his daughter. ↑ |
| Name: PAT | Date: Mar 13th, 2008 6:47 PM |
| I HAVE THE SAME THING GOING ON AT MY HOUSE AND I DON'T LIKE IT.IT'S NOT A GOOD THING IF YOU SIT AND WATCH IT IT MAKES ME WAN'T TO LEAVE HIM.MY STEP DAUGHTER WILL LISTEN AT MY BEDROOM DOOR TO LISTEM TO WHATS GOING ON INSIDE SHE GATS MAD WHEN HER DAD SHOWS ME AFFECTION.SO NO YOU ARE NOT WRONG IF THESE GIRLS GO TO SCHOOL AND TELLS SOMEONE THAT HER FATHER LIKES TO KISS HER OR SOMETHING WELL IT'S NOT A GOOD THING. AND THAT IS A BIG PERIOD ↑ |
| Name: og217 | Date: Mar 14th, 2008 1:40 PM |
| Once again - this is repugnant. The child is obviously trying to "compete" with you on a "woman" level. Allowing it is disgusting and stupid - the child is not his "woman," so this is a competition she cannot win. The longer she "competes" the harder it will be when she finally "loses." Your fiance needs to understand that he is teaching his daughter to compete for men with physical affection. This is just going to lead to a promiscuous, unhappy teenager. He needs to sit her down and maybe you should be there too, and explain to her that she is his daughter and he loves her, and you are going to be his wife. Neither one of you can be both and you can't switch roles. Lip kisses, sleeping in the same bed, and lap sitting are for lovers (or babies). The end. If she can't accept that, I would suggest a shrink. I mean, what's next? Intercourse? ↑ |
| Name: Rockstar Babii | Date: Mar 17th, 2008 11:40 AM |
| ok sooo me && my DAd use to be sooo close but now its like he don't care that i'm alive i started to rebel when i moved to this new town outside the city but i dont kno i love my dad but i think he hates me wat should i do ↑ |
| Name: J | Date: Mar 24th, 2008 9:58 AM |
| The term for this behavior is EMOTIONAL INCEST. It occurs when one parent treats a child in a way they would normally treat a partner. There are many links and books on the topic which I greatly encourage you to research. You need not feel wrong or bad because you are the one who understand healthly boundaries. ↑ |
| Name: Bj. | Date: Mar 24th, 2008 4:50 PM |
Hi,
i do not envey yoou, do not beleive you are jelous have been thru the same situation and 7 years later the father is still the same with 24year old daughter it borders initially on transferral of affection from ex wife to daughter is this icestual if only emotional yes. kissing and touchy feely is not ok. usually if you think something is not right normally it isn't - jealousy does not come from what is happening fear and scared of the situation is about the physcial contact - good luck what do your friends say does this happen infront of people or only just behind closed doors. ↑ |
| Name: Vicki | Date: Apr 12th, 2008 8:15 PM |
| I feel very sorry for you and the situation at home with your fiance'. My advice to is get out while you can before the wedding or you will only grow to hate this man. I know I have been in the same situation with my husband and his daughter for 10 years and he treats her as though she is the wife and I am the child (it makes me sick to my stomach). My step-daughter has pretty much ruled the roost in our house ever since I have been with my husband. He gives her all of his emotional closeness and I get emotional abuse, belittled ,criticized and called totally insane. I am now leaving my husband for a real man and not an incestuos emotional abuser that can't separate wife from daughter. ↑ |
| Name: David Alan Loy | Date: Apr 18th, 2008 10:03 AM |
I think if you are concerned with the emotional wellbeing of our children you need to go the www.C2Rdistribution.com and www.WilliamFain.com and see “A Father’s Rights”
"The film drew me in -- I laughed, got angry, nearly cried and cheered at the jury verdict. This is a must see movie for anyone that believes children deserve both
parents and their extended families."
Carnell Smith
www.PaternityFraud.com
PASS THIS ON TO A FRIEND ↑ |
| Name: Flare | Date: May 23rd, 2008 12:15 AM |
| I got to this site wondering if i'm being paranoid, and I came across your posting. I am in a similar situation with the father of a 19 year old daughter. She lives in another state and when she visits him for a week or longer, she sleeps with him in his king bed. It's a big bed so it could be OK, I guess, and they wear pajamas to bed, but there's something else that doesn't sound normal to me. He's proud that they cuddle in bed and she falls sleep with her head on his shoulders and his arm around her. He also says she walks around in her bra. When she's in town, he doesn't see or call me. When she's not there, they phone every day for at least an hour or two. They travel together and share a hotel room and bed. She sounds normal in other ways and has a BF. I believe him that there's nothing sexual but this father-daughter closeness turns me off. Like you, I don't want to be with him right after her visits when we cuddle in the same bed. . I too wonder how innocent they can be after five years of this. She's a lovely young woman and I know he's highly sexual. Surely they're playing with fire? ↑ |
| Name: Stressin | Date: May 27th, 2008 12:35 AM |
| I'm in a similar situation. My boyfriend has a 12 year old daughter. He has been divorced for 2 years. His daughter stays with us every weekend. She is way too affectionate with him, and it's not that I think he likes it. He says he just doesn't want to hurt her feelings. She kisses him on the lips and sleeps with him when I'm not there. She lays in his lap and puts her hands up his shirt and rubs his stomach. It creeps me out! I am not jealous of his daughter. I love her and want whats best for her. I worry about how she will deal with relationships in the future with other men. She and I have a really good relationship and I'm thankful for that. I just feel like it isn't her place to do the things she does. Your child should not play the role your lover plays. I feel like she's another girlfriend instead of his daughter. I have a year invested in this relationship and don't want to give up. i love both of them very much. I'm just glad I'm not alone in my situation and how I feel. ↑ |
| Name: John Johnson | Date: May 29th, 2008 1:55 PM |
| I have two daughters, 15 and 12. I have an extremely affectionate and healthy relationship with both of them, as well as, with my wife. It is natural and healthy for Dads and daughters to cuddle and kiss. Holding hands, cuddling and kissing each other good night is something wonderful and innocent that I enjoy with my wife and my daughters. The sexual relationship I enjoy with my wife is very different. I find it difficult to understand where it is that you blur this line? I'm guessing, along with some of the other people here, that you are jealous and that he is not giving you the same attention. Tough luck. His daughter was there first and has been with him for at least 13 years. She is likely more important to him than you, as she should be. She's going to need a lot of attention, love and affection from him to make it safely through the teenage years. If he didn't feel a greater sense of responsiblity to her than you, then I would think there was something wrong with him. I When she goes to college, she will be on her own and you and your fiancee can start to become closer. If you can't handle that, you should leave and find a man without any kids. I feel sorry for the Dad's and daughters that aren't close. ↑ |
| Name: Scarletina | Date: Jun 2nd, 2008 1:59 AM |
I was in your shoes not more than a year ago. She was 10 when I began seeing her dad. She was 13 and had become an adolescent when we broke up 6 months ago. She was from his 3rd and last marriage and came along when he was 35. She seemed very needy of his affection, hanging on him, sitting in his lap, laying on the couch with him. I thought it was cute at first, she was 10 and still seemed more like a girl than a young woman. They had no modesty around each other and I told him one day when he was hanging around the house with just his whity tightys and a shirt on in front of her that it was inappropriate at her age. He took it well and started closing the door when he showered and changed when she was there. As she got older her, the way she touched him, laided across his lap, put her hand on his thigh while sitting beside him, wrapped her legs around him while he held her in the pool would bother me. It seemed wrong in some way and I couldnt ever say just why. It looked and felt as if their affection toward each other was more boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife kind of touching. It began to bother me alot. It was a long time before I ever said anything to him about it. I felt like I was having to watch him with another woman when it went on. I would make myself scarce when she was there. I talked to a my councilor about it and she said that it was natural for a woman to feel jealous of the step daughter and that maybe she (the daughter) was experiencing the Oedipus syndrome. I dont know what it was, I just know I have never seen that kind of touching between father and daughter.
I also saw him looking at her naked on 2 different occasions. At the time, I told myself that I was making too much of it or that I was wrong about what I saw. I wanted things to work for us so much that I was willing to overlook big blarring warning signs.
I spent a lot of sleepless nights with my heart pounding and my hands shaking after seeing them together. I watched for any signs that he might be molesting her. We lived together for the last 18 months of our relationship and I never caught him out of bed or in her room and I was a light sleeper then.
Its easy to say that it was healthy affection and that she was lucky but it felt so disturbing. To this day I get that feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think about it. ↑ |
| Name: Axel Rose | Date: Jun 8th, 2008 8:10 AM |
| To be honest... I was reading the post and i thought ok, that seems just like a realy good and healthy relationship between father and daughter, but then i read SHE IS 13! now is not that normal... i do think is inapropiate. ↑ |
| Name: stepmom | Date: Jun 9th, 2008 1:20 PM |
so glad to have read this post. i, too, am a stepmother experiencing the same issue with my husband of 1 1/2 and his 10 1/2 year old daughter. before we were married, visits with my stepdaughter were for short periods of time--i met her just 2x (total of 10 days). to my surprise, his daughter and i, naturally, got along and continue to get along great. i think she is a very kind, smart, intelligent girl...and i am very happy to have a positive relationship with her and support her to have a positive relationship with her dad.
a bit of background: my husband's government job has meant lots of sacrifices for those who love him. we got married just before he left for an overseas assignment for a year and have actually just been together for a month now. his daughter has also sacrificed. for the past several years, he has been a vacation dad seeing her for several weeks a year. amazingly, she is very close to his parents and they have really kept him alive for her. she adores her "daddy" and just can't get enough of him which is understandable.
after not even 2 weeks of us being together since he is home from his year abroad, his daughter has come to join us for an 8 week summer break. while i was excited and open to her arrival, i have been having quite a hard time with their interaction since she has been here. my husband is overly lovey and affectionate with her, kissey, kissey, she sprawls out on his lap, cuddles, they talk babyish to each other at times. he is much more affectionate to her than me when she is around: she gets all his endearing terms, holds his hand whenever we go anywhere and most of the time when we go out together for an outing and i am left alone...while they go off in their own world which has been just their world for so long. just yesterday, at the beach, she said she got stung by something (2nd time on a family outing that she has supposedly gotten hurt by something diverting all attention to her...getting alone time with daddy) and he sat off on the beach with her kissing the place on her arm that she said hurt, pecked her neck, holding her-- telling her how sorry he was for like a half an hour. at home, they are also often in their own world. i will cook dinner, tell them that it is ready 2 or 3 times, they won't come to the table..so i will end up eating by myself..and they then mozy on over when they feel like it.
i am frustrated and find myself getting really upset as this stuff layers in my conscious. at first, i started withdrawing, just wanting to allow them to spend one-on-one time together. my husband got angry with me for that and told me that if i was going to act like that i would need to leave. i wish that i wasn't feeling this way, but i have been really feeling like the 3rd wheel. in addition, i find myself getting really upset when my husband gets angry/moody with me and then he is so super-sweet to his daughter. i get so frustrated and upset inside, and wish that he had the same patience/sweetness for me as he does for his daugher.
i never wanted to marry someone with a child...because i had step parents..and i know that stepparents never love children like their own: i felt it growing up. however, when i met my husband and his daughter was so great, i suddenly became open to it. in addition, he always talked about how he wanted to have kids of his own with me (because he hasn't gotten to raise his daughter). now, that i am here...feeling all these emotions, i don't know what to do. i don't want to be the wicked stepmother..but i don't want to be the doormat either that watches this father/daugher love fest play out in front of my eyes. i keep thinking things (esp. the touchiness between them) will change when she gets older...but after reading these posts...it doesn't seem so. i, too, feel like i am watching the interaction between a girlfriend/boyfriend. i have never seen a father and ten year old girl be so clingy/affectionate before. and i hate how i am feeling inside as a side-liner. Any advice/guidance one could offer would be appreciated. ↑ |
| Name: Julia2 | Date: Jun 11th, 2008 6:29 PM |
| I was in a similar situation so I can sympathize with what you're going through. And I don't think that behavior is appropriate but instead sounds like a very unhealthy relationship between father and daughter. When my current boyfriend was acting inappropriately with his daughter, I urged him to talk with his pastor about it and he declined. But I believe it made him think about his actions. If he's too embarrassed to let others know about the behavior then it seems that he knows something about the behavior is very wrong. I wish you all the best in your situation. ↑ |
| Name: anonymour | Date: Jun 24th, 2008 4:14 AM |
| No I completely agree with the writer. It is inappropriate. Father and daughters that are too touchy is just creepy, and im not implying that Im jealous or anything, I just feel that it is not morally right and I must admit I do get weirded out. ↑ |
| Name: jsspirit | Date: Jun 25th, 2008 12:56 AM |
| Wow, I have been going out of my mind and so glad I found someplace to relate. We just got married and his daughter and I "had" a great relationship so I thought. I tried to do the right thing, so that she wouldn't feel left out or the third wheel instead at times I do. I would get so mad at myself for it thinking am I that jealous. But it wasn't jealously it was the uncomfortable feelings I would get instead. The first time I witness anything was one weekend when we were first together and the his family was there, and I had put my hand on his lap and he removed it and then the following day she was sitting by him, his arm around her and her hand on his lap, I tried to let that one go. But then I noticed that in the morning he would constantly do into her room to check on her and so I followed and watched him cover her up but pull the blankets up in the air first. And when he walked back out and seen me his face turned red and asked what I was doing spying on him...I didn't mention that she is now 18 and we have been together fo two years. I started to get over that and as her and I were getting along really well I guess I forgot about things. Until last summer when I was at work on weekend and she was there for the weekend. I came home to a very cold reception from my fiance at the time and that night was the first time he ever didn't want "any" sex. I was very confused about it. And after that I had gotten sick and have been since, unable to work so I never had to worry about leaving them alone. Well about 4 weeks before the wedding we were at his families house and she was with us...and it happened again except for he was between us both and he put his around and then is hand ended up on her lap and I was so uncomfortable with this that I got up and walked away from the situation. We ended up into an argument that night about it and it wasnt until I found information on line that I wasn't that far off. So we did have a discussion about it and he said no one ever told him before and he started respecting her space ( at times she has told him not to tickle her anymore she was too old for that, but he just said , he could if he wanted too) I talked to him about that. He did start knocking on her door before going in . Anyways about 2 weeks ago she called at the last minute to come and stay and before she did he was wanting it all the time (he normally works out of town but was home for 2 weeks) and then as soon as she came it was like I didn't exist and sex wasn't even thought of and we are married now too. Wow that was a total turn off for me cause as soon as she went home he was all over me again and I denined him because of this. We have a good relationship but this is putting strain on us, because I am the crazy one and its not true in his head... ↑ |
| Name: dee | Date: Jul 4th, 2008 6:34 PM |
| 13 and no puberty,, why? at 13 she should want boys and be pushing dad away? does she have friends? guy friends? how is she with the neighborhood guys? how is he with you? better settle all issues about the kid/kids before marriage and the big question what if you have kids? ↑ |
| Name: Apple_Juice213 | Date: Jul 5th, 2008 2:44 AM |
| okay i don't agree with the "it's step mother jealousy" i have a wonderful relationship with my father but if he started grabbing my neck or cuddling me in bed it would not be alright it's extremely inappropriate. a peck on the check is enough to feel affection but a kiss on the lips is between lovers. they shouldn't lay across each others lap or sleep in the same bed. it's just messed up. ↑ |
| Name: Apple_Juice213 | Date: Jul 5th, 2008 2:45 AM |
| And it's just as weird to see a mother and son in the same position ↑ |
| Name: B.D. | Date: Jul 5th, 2008 8:24 PM |
| Oh my goodness...reading your post here gave me chills. I am in a similar situation and searching for help on "creepy" relationships with a father and a daughter. I am with a man who has 4 children. The oldest is his 18 year old daughter. She is in need of having constant contact with him when he has spend DAYS with her previously. The latest moment was when he and I only had 12 hours together. She was texting him most of the time which he ignored. Then she was calling at 12:30am to make sure the key was left under that mat. COME ON. WTF???? If they can't stop contact with each other for more than 24 hours, then what the hell am I doing in this? And get this...she has taken it upon herself to tell me how he and I need to run our relationship. Oh that was a nice moment. All I could see was my fist going through her head. Who the hell does she think she is telling us anything about our relationship but what makes it worse is that he is ok with her feeling the need to tell me this. I keep looking for articles on relationships like this so I can show him how f*cked up this is. Any advice where I can go to find this to prove to him??? ↑ |
| Name: Don't be fooled ladies! | Date: Jul 6th, 2008 11:48 AM |
| I made the awful mistake of believing a man who also had two little girls ages 4 and 7 yrs. He did all of these loving things to his daughters and then some. The oldest daughter use to beg me not to leave her alone with her father. So, ask the authorities- annonymously (sp?) if you must! I did! This is called overt sexual abuse. The "father" knows exactly what he is doing! The daughters only go along with what they have been taught for years by their "loving fathers". Tell him to knock it off immediately or walk away "fast"! Especially if he doesn''t "understand " why you would be uncomfortable with some of these shows of affection or respect your feelings in the relationship. I had a very loving father which kissed me on top of the head, bear hugs, sat me on his lap (with pj's and robe on, I might add) and read me stories, threw me up in the air in the pool-but played waterball and other forms of attention which doesn't require so much close touching after puberty set in. In other words, a father is suppose to "respect" his daughters' female anatomy no matter what the age! And with that, I'm calling my "daddy" and telling him that I love him! ↑ |
| Name: wicked step mum | Date: Jul 8th, 2008 6:58 PM |
| WTF? That's what I want to ask my H. My 17 yr old sd runs around here barely dressed, flirts with my H, clings to him, full body press. Am already sick of it-and we've only been married 2 months. He spoils her rotten, she treats me like crap. If he and I go anywere, he texts her, sends her photo messages-it;ls like he can't be alone w/me without getting her involved. Iam fed up ↑ |
| Name: youlover | Date: Jul 9th, 2008 4:16 AM |
| www.singleparentloving.com ******A single parent on-line dating community geared to single parents needs, information, and discussions combined with the largest single parenting social club . Free join ! meet your soulmatch in your area ! ↑ |
| Name: 4suzanndy | Date: Jul 13th, 2008 12:56 AM |
| VERY inappropriate in my opinion. I am a MOM to a 19 yr daughter and a 22 yr old son. My new husband has a 11 yr old girl and an 8 yr old giel- WOW! He is way too affectionate, but it actually makes the 11 yr old VERY uncomfortable (she told me) However, she also uses it! SHE wants him to be the husband in a way. She is indeed his Favorite (he said so) ↑ |
| Name: maree | Date: Jul 13th, 2008 7:50 AM |
| Yes I feel that i have the same problem , when i go over to visit my boyfriend i feel very uncomfortable as his daughter lives there aswell she's 19 when we greet each other we have a nice big hug & kiss then soon after that she grabs him and starts hugging him and wont let him go or stands there with her arms around him when im trying to talk with him , it really bothers me when she starts pinching ,punching or grabbing him when we are together as i find its immature as im trying to talk with him and she is always trying to distract him . then they start grabbing each other tickling stroke each others hair or when we go out they hold hands and im left to walk behind them it looks like ther together .we went to a wedding she was put at the kids table she didnt like that so after awhile she came over to ours and sits on his lap with her arms drapped around him it feelslike she is always comming in between us she has recently told him that she wants to move out to live with her mother because he is never home always at my house which is not true only 2 nights during the week and one or two nights on wkends and told me that him getting her a dog wasnt enough to keep her company . at 19 i was not needing my dads company i had my own friends and life . when im over there and bring dinner over for all of us i wash the dishes she told me that she doesnt want me to do that . she knows that my fav t.v show comes on so she quickly get in there and watches what she wants i really hate going down there as i feel that she competes with me always wanting affection from him in front of me . i have my own children my son is 17 and my daughter is 13 they dont act like this to him. he hugs my daughter and then his daughter said to mine that he hugs her more and not to take him away from her can someone shed some light on what i should do as he doesnt come over to my house as much since she has said that she's moving out in August .please help. ↑ |
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