| Name: capricornbaby | Date: Nov 9th, 2008 11:18 AM |
| USapple 1 I find his behaviour very inappropriate. My father was the same way with me until I reached puberty ad his interest in me grew. Eventually he approached me about sex twice and I was devastated to have been approached but a man who was supposed to love and protect me about something like that. I am in no way comparing your fiance' to my father but I am just letting my feelings be heard. ↑ |
| Name: sophie | Date: Dec 6th, 2008 9:12 PM |
| I think if parents do not have normal boundaries with the child they are setting up a poor example for how to have normal relationships . Being loved is great emerging from your childhood with your respect and dignity, intact are important are My first husband had two daughters as they got older he wouldn't even go into their bedroom because he wanted to respect their space. It felt like we had a well adjusted and wonderful time together . My current guy admits to fantaszing about his daughter if she does something cute and he plays it over and over in his mind I noticed he also sets ups scenarios for this to happen so he can go over and over it in his mind he also spends a lot of time in her bedroom until talking to her it appears really odd ,,,I find all of this to be really freakin weriod! She is high school and they are all wrapped up on the sofa together and she rubs her leg on him . I think it has an emotional dysfunctional family vibe, He never ever tells her no. I think he is setting her up for massive amount of dsyfunctional relationships with males in the future, but maybe that is exactly what he wants for his daughter a single mother with 2-3 kids that can never leave him because of the codependence and emeshment . Sometimes it makes my head spin I find it so odd...he is in therapy now to fix his childhood issues , How to change all of these reinforced mechanism that are in place. I almost think at a certain point it goes into your DNA and doesn't come out ! ↑ |
| Name: blurt | Date: Jan 6th, 2009 11:11 PM |
Er, 'stop causing problems' sounds a little unbalanced...sorry...but she does.
Actually, most of the comments I've read on this forum sound rational, honest and compassionate. Some sound ridiculous. Most deserve further discussion. From what I can see this is a very difficult and sensitive issue for all concerned. If a father and daughter are not behaving appropriately then a mother or step mother may indeed be the best person to raise the issue for discussion. If someone is uncomfortable then maybe you have to ask why....and maybe you also have to ask why it is so hard for long established patterns to change? Love and affection can easily happen in ways that everyone is comfortable with. I don't understand why a man should have any problem adjusting if it's 'no issue'. Flirty, sexualized affection is not necessary in order to give and receive love. ↑ |
| Name: susavu | Date: Jan 13th, 2009 8:34 PM |
| I think you're right! It's innappropriate to act that way. I'm struggling with a similar situation myself and hope to get things under control of get out before I'm engaged to be married. ↑ |
| Name: dj | Date: Jan 19th, 2009 10:29 PM |
| I think too much intimate contact between parent/child is not healthy. I have a boyfriend who thinks him and his daughter are a couple - it is so embarrasing. As a parent you are supposed to be a role model and to love your child like a parent, not a smoochy, snuggly girlfriend. ↑ |
| Name: gottabegr8 | Date: Jan 25th, 2009 5:41 PM |
Oh boy ... this hits a cord w/ me.
First off ... I'll admit there is a little bit of jealousy in the way my bf and his 13 yr. old daughter are affectionate toward each other. And THAT is normal ... it's also called intuition. If your feeling that way there is a reason. Bottom line.
Yes ... it is wonderful for fathers to be involved in their kid's lives ... but at 13 there are boundaries.
I asked my bf how he would feel if his daughters step father did the things he did ... and he admitted he wouldn't like it.
His daughter is very clingy & he will put his hand on top of her thigh ~ she'll hang all over him. I'll allow them to snuggle throughout a whole movie w/ me being across the room ... it bothers me.
I don't know ... it just doesn't feel right.
At 13 there is just something called respectful boundaries and yea ... affection is good. But w/i reason.
He claims he never get's to see his girls, exept every other weekend ... but who's fault is that? And what does that have to do w/ being too close physically?
It seems acceptable to me w/ his 10 yr. old daughter but not the 13 year old. ↑ |
| Name: gottabegr8 | Date: Jan 25th, 2009 5:46 PM |
He also want's to spend alone time w/ them ... want's me to leave. Even though he get's them alone during the week.
What should I think? I'm starting to resent this. What's the reason for wanting to be alone?? ↑ |
| Name: virginia | Date: Feb 8th, 2009 8:44 PM |
| I've been feeling unsettled about my boyfriend's emotional attachment to his daughter. Some of it seems normal some not. I am a rational person and I've been through a lot in my life so when something tugs at my gut I listen. I've been feeling less attracted to my boyfriend lately. His relationship with his daughter has triggered some old feelings about my Dad and myself. Although I was molested by my Dad, our relationship had it's normal parts and I have worked through those issues. I realized I was relating to something in their relationship. The fact is, his daughter became his "partner" because his marriage to his wife was emotionally disconnected to the point that they excluded the wife emotionally. There's not much to be found out there about emotional incest but it exist. It disrupts the daughter's future intimate relationships as well. I feel he has similar feelings for his daughter as he does me. They are not overly affectionate and I don't think he's molesting her. Also, she has withdrawn from him a little now that she's older but I believe the lines of an intimate relationship with his daughter and an adult woman are blurred for him. It's disturbing to think he may be thinking of her when he's with me intimately or that he may be projecting his feelings for her on to me. He treats me in a similar fashion. The daughter is not to blame she is just reacting. USapple1, I think yours is an extreme case of emotional incest, but they are not bad people. Everyone needs to connect. He has just connected with is daughter on too deep of a level. My Dad connected with me sexually. I became a person who thought sex was the way to get a man to like me. It took a long time for me to find out who I was. She will act out in different ways as she won't be able to separate her identity from his. He needs to know that he could severely affect her ability to have a relationship with another man when she's older. I have gone through this myself. If he loves her he needs to know that he should gradually adjust all forms of contact with her to an appropriate level or she will be the one to pay for it later. ↑ |
| Name: secret | Date: Mar 6th, 2009 1:46 PM |
| will look up emotional incest- same patterns of involvement in my step family-he doesnt visit his baby with me anymore because his 15 year old daughter spends every week instead of every other week-we live in two houses- his daughter is favored to an extreme degree -feel like im the third wheel and they are the couple- once had to sleep on fllor cause she fell asleep in our bed -he tried tickling my daughter -also 15- but she told me -he said im just jealous of them -he and his daughter live together cooking for each other watching tv side by side,holding hands, buying her sexy underwear, and he just waits for me to visit them if i want. He loves her cooking and never syas no, text messages constanly so i guess ther is no reason to marry him- he already is! ↑ |
| Name: LEENICOLE | Date: Mar 13th, 2009 4:22 PM |
| WELL MY HUSBAND HOLDS HIS 11 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER'S HAND THE WHOLE TIME THE ARE IN THE CAR TOGETHER, SITTING ON THE COUCH AND IN ANY STORE WE GO TO. . WITH FINGERS INTERTWINED. THEY KISS ON THE LIPS NUMEROUS TIMES A DAY WHEN SHE IS WITH US. HE DOES NOT EVEN HOLD MY HAND SO WHY IS HE HOLDING HERS? IT IS VERY ODD TO ME BUT I'M NOT SURE IF IF IS NORMAL SINCE HE ONLY SEE'S HER EVERY OTHER WEEKEND. ↑ |
| Name: Anon | Date: Mar 19th, 2009 12:57 PM |
| The jealousy in this thread astounds me. ↑ |
| Name: Honda | Date: Apr 8th, 2009 10:37 AM |
| I was seeing my daughter 3 days a week, till her mother placed an injunction order on me. The injuction was to stop me harrassing the mother, but all I wanted to do was to see my daughter, but the mother kept making excuses and preventing me. Has anyone had the same experience and can give some advice on what to do. ↑ |
| Name: karendelear | Date: Apr 16th, 2009 5:48 PM |
my ex only got his daughter on weekends. he would sleep naked in bed with her if he could especially when she was younger. , one time, he placed her in front of him when he took a crap, she was 3 at the time. she was at eye level with his naked penis.
he would lay and stroke his daughter for hours. she would get turned on and lay on him.
he said that his ex ninny liked him sleeping naked with his daughter. i dont think so but she was so hostile to me, i never knew.
mothers if you are hostile to the woman who is parenting your child with the father on weekends, you are hurting your child.
he would tell her that "karen is jealous of you". he acted like she was his girlfriend. they made the important decisions together. i was not jealous, i deserved an adult relationship with an adult man not a relationshp with a man more interested in stroking and fondling his daugher.
i use to catch him running around naked in the morning to get her to see him.
it's called "sexualization" of children. you can never find this term, i couldn't tell if he was having sex with her but there was something definitely wrong .
he would unzip or pull his shorts down and pee in front of her on his boat. that was really gross. he would kind of turn away but she was only a few feet away and you could hear his pi** hit the water, piddle, piddle, stop, another piddle.
he would beat me up if i called him on his behaviour. i thought i was helping the child by being present but i was only helping it along, in the end.
his step-father had sex with one or two of his sisters. the man himself admitted to sexually abusing his sisters as well. this i found out at the very end of our relationship, he was trying to get me to come back or trying to explain himself to me.
it's wrong and gross. there are certain relationships between father and child that are very affectionate and it seems to be okay. this relationship between m and his daughter was not normal.
he bought her a car when she was 15 (payoff for what?) and then she ran away from home, got pregnant. ↑ |
| Name: Honda | Date: Apr 18th, 2009 2:09 PM |
| Karendelear your experience is horrible and seems to have stained your look on life. My experience is nothng like yours I have no bad intentions. An injunction has been put on me when I have done nothing or do not intend to do anything wrong. Is there anyone out there who is being treated the same. When their ex partners have used the ploy of an injunction to prevent them seeing their children. ↑ |
| Name: karendelears | Date: Apr 20th, 2009 5:49 PM |
hi honda
i was telling the story of my experience. it was not a response to your comments nor do i consider myself "stained".
i think this thread originally is about the sexualization of children. is your injunction related to the sexualization of your children?
good luck with your injunction. ↑ |
| Name: Sonny | Date: Apr 28th, 2009 5:42 PM |
I cannot believe I found other people going through the exact thing I am ....I have lived with a man for several years and he has two daughters but is what I think is very inappropriate with the youngest. She is not a little girl though, she is 22 yrs old now and they hold hands in public as well as at home, she sits on his lap, lays on him and runs her fingers through his hair. She has no problem walking around nude in front of him, although I do not think he does her unless he does when I am not around. He totally favors her over the other daughter and lies to the other daughter and myself about all the material things he gives her, which tells me he realizes how innapropriate this is or he wouldnt try to hide it.
to all of you who think this is jealousy, I guess it is in some form but not the way you think. I am not jealous of a man loving his daughter. I am however jealous of the man I love and am in a "couple relationship" with having the same kind of relationship with someone else let alone his own daughter. I would feel better if he "cheated with another woman. At least I wouldnt get the gross feeling I get when they are laying all over each other.
He also tells her every intimate detail of our relationship and she knows everything there is to know about his finances, ect.. I dont think it is healthy to talk to your kids about your personal issues with your spouse even if they are both parents kids. By the way this daughter lives with us most of the time and when she doesnt , dad pays her living expenses totally, buys her luxury cars, ect , but NOT the other daughter. I cant figure out why he is like this with only one of them. He has told me that his ex (her mother) did complain about this relationship with her also, stating that he treated the daughter like his wife more than he did her. Ironic, I feel the exact same way.... ↑ |
| Name: Samantha | Date: May 10th, 2009 10:02 AM |
I feel these men need to be appropriate role models for their daughters.Show them that their affection towards their now partners is love and that a Father is a protector.I believe these lovely dovey Fathers are setting their daughters up to be spoilt brats who wont be able to compromise in their own relationships later.
Boundaries need to be set and some of the things mentioned here go away over the boundaries of Father and daughter.To all you partners if they are going to be this way i would walk and find a man who is respectable and loves his daughter/s enough to keep their hands off them.
A hug ,a kiss on the cheek, being appropriate is what a Father should be.
I wish you all the best but some times it aint worth wasting your life on some one who wont change.Step daughters will always play games as they know Daddy will give them what they want.
If a man is decent he will know whats appropriate and whats not.If he thinks its ok to kiss his daughter on the lips and become erect its SICK... ↑ |
| Name: froggy | Date: May 10th, 2009 4:08 PM |
| ive read all thease commments regarding the close relashionships with dads and their daughters and im in two minds. as a youngster i was made yo do things to my father, i grew up and had a very happy life untill now,i moved in with my partner a yr ago he has 2 adolescent kids one whos 20 and a daughter whos now 17 she stays over every sat. during my time here ive noticed various things that would indicate not all is obove board with them,he would continually go in her room for the silliest thing and for long periods of time,once walking past her room i saw him lift her head so he could kiss her, another time they were in the kitchen together very quiet i walked in and he went red and she gave me a sheepish look,other times ive come home from work and found glitter on his clothes,i.e shirts,pants,etc it could only have come from her room as she freqently used it,if we went out they would constantly watch each other,as they did in doors, when hes about to come in from work she would go in her room and wait,when he left she very seldom came back out,i have even questioned him on htis and various other things ive noticed because of how uncomfortable certain things made me feel, my intuition was telling me that at some point during her coming over to stay something has gone on but i cant proove it but know by the way they are that somethings not right, ive even questioned why she still comes over to stay,shes even snubbed friends to do so,he says he cant just stop her staying over like that as shes been staying over for the past 13yrs it wouldnt be right,yesterday he stood by her door thanked her for some cakes then went in for a few minutes,it went quiet,he came back out couldnt face me,when he went back to work she stayed in her room,didnt come out till i was going a bed i said goodnight,she couldnt look at me............. ↑ |
| Name: mako | Date: Jun 2nd, 2009 12:45 AM |
| Put your hand on his lap with hers, see if he's hard, then put your hand on her lap, and see if she's wet, if hard and wet they are doing it, and join in. ↑ |
| Name: Father13 | Date: Jun 15th, 2009 11:17 AM |
Hi there, Well I was looking for info on the net whether a father should even slightly change his relationship with a daughter that just attains...and came through all this!
My reaction is that all people are different - by nature - by situations - by upbringing in different societies and cultures - by parental associations - by being biological parents or step parents - etc. And hence, the exact situation and experience of one may not fully match with that of the other.
I am a father of a 12 year old. Relations with spouse being strained, she is THE star of my life with nearly 99% of my world revolving around her. And not just since some time - right from the time I saw her the first time 12 years ago - I was completely bowled over. Believe you me, I think about her maybe 20-30 times even at work. And then when I come back home, I would like to spend most of my time with her - I guess a normal feeling felt by most fathers. I have bathed her till around age 7 (sometimes bathed together too), slept with her till age 11, and spoken to her about all the things that a kid of her age needs to be spoken about - though I admit sometimes a little more.
Most modern time fathers donot really distinguish between a daughter or son - specially when there is just one - in my case -a daughter. We fathers want to be and do ALL the things with our daughters as we would have done with our sons. So, to start with- we bathe with them, box with them, want them to wear boy clothes, organize a boy hair-cut; talk about cars ...etc. We, new parents, try to be the most ideal parents and give the best upbringing, love and care in the world. And in this quest - we sometimes cross the ladder.
SO YES, like all relationships- a parent-kid relationship (not necessarily confined to father-daughter only) also needs to be within SOME bounds...some - to be defined individually. What ever the 'some' defined by each parent, it is pitiful to think that parents would have sexual intentions with the child (exceptions accepted and excluded). And it is more pitiful to blame the child just in case such thoughts and actions on their part take place. We are responsible for their upbringing and we need to take the blames just like the credits.
It is indeed commendable reading that most of you ladies resorted to talking to your partners. But not at all commendable learning that these fathers did not give any heed to your observations. Well, think of it, in case somone told me that my 5 or 7 year daughter and I are too close, I would also get angry and say go to hell. But if the same observation is given at the age of 12, I think fathers should give it a thought - for the betterment of the child. And that is precisely why I had visited this page!!
Well - all the best to all the lovely daughters- all the lovely moms/step moms, all the lovely siblings, and to all the fathers, and to the best relationship in the world - the father-daughter relationship. I love you, my child. ↑ |
| Name: Father13 | Date: Jun 17th, 2009 5:50 AM |
| Further to the above mail, it would also be quite natural for a adolescent daughter to be attracted to her father (specially in case of a single child), as he would be the closest male in her life. Something like what happens with mentors and teachers. And it would also be natural for the child to be inquisitive of sexual organs and changes therein in males as what she at a a particular age experiences in her own body. That may maybe explain the child hanging around the washroom when fathers are bathing or changing. Then, if realized, the fathers have to balance the delicate act of satisfying her inquisitiveness and maintaining the same affectionate relationship. Difficult - but possible maybe by the lady in the house speaking to the child. Just thought of sharing this thought. Good luck. ↑ |
| Name: pd | Date: Jun 22nd, 2009 2:31 PM |
| I agree with you i have experience that i felt like he is sexually attracted to the daughter i think parents molest their children all the time by inappropiately touching them but if a boy did it the parent would yell but the parent can kiss and feel on the cilld and beside why would you want him if he can feel on his daughter parentsiolate voilate the child there is balance with affection a real father who understand balance knows to keep his hands and lips off his that he uses on u in the bed room its sad ↑ |
| Name: Brittany | Date: Jul 3rd, 2009 11:03 AM |
| I don't want you to assume anything. My father was a child molester and when read what you wrote, it brings me back. I have a daughter now and I me and him sit down every month and talk about how she is getting older and what is inappropriate. He never kisses her on the lips. Neither do I. If I ever caught him touching her butt, I would freak. That is something that disturbs me. She does lay with him on the couch. But then again she is only 1 and a half. This is just my opinion on what you are going through. ↑ |
| Name: FatherofaDaughter | Date: Jul 6th, 2009 7:54 PM |
Well, let's all say the word people, Projection! Yes, folks, (ladies) it seems that the relationship you had with your father, good, bad, indifferent, emotionally engaging, affectionate, whatever, does get projected onto the relationship you are seeing before your eyes vis a vis the fathers and daughters. Wow. What a revelation. So, keep that in context as you see this before your eyes. if you were molested as a child, and you see a father giving their daughter a playful whack on the bum, what do you think you're going to infer from that?? Or hey, if you had a great, and healthy relationship with your father and you see him giving exactly the same playful smack on the bum, what do you think you will infer from that???
Same situation but seen in a completely different light.
If you're truly wondering if you should be worried, DO SOME RESEARCH!! Don't go to an online forum that will back up or disprove your doubts with personal anecdotes. Lord help us when the personal anecdote is the cure all for our worries.
Do some research for heavens sake. Talk to a Professional. ↑ |
| Name: Marie O'Neill | Date: Jul 18th, 2009 1:19 AM |
| I think you're right to concerned, or at least put off by the physical closeness your fiance has with his daughter. There seem to be sexual overtones in his behavior which are inappropriate. ↑ |
| Name: CarlaC | Date: Jul 21st, 2009 3:40 PM |
| I am a 19 year old female and have kissed my Father on the lips ever since I can remember and find it innocent and loving. After my Mother passed away when I was 14 I slept in his bed for close to a year. Being sad and missing Mom it was a comfort knowing he was there. That eventually tapered off and I would only sleep with him if I was scared, sick or missing mom, and occasionally while on trips where we were in a room with only a King bed. He has always worn boxers and I have always worn boy shorts or panties and a t shirt or a nighty. Nothing sexual has ever happened. I love and trust my Father more than any other man I know. I feel a lot of people are scared to show true feelings and need to open up. I do understand that friends and family probably would not understand but it is our relationship and closeness that is our business. It is innocent and loving. Parents, sons and daughters should be able to show love and not feel guilt. But thay should also know boundries. ↑ |
| Name: Leslie | Date: Aug 3rd, 2009 10:28 AM |
I think you feelings are right. It's inappropriate. Unless you have children and step-children people don't understand. It's actually a way to become the male version of alpha dog. The kids really don't mean it, and sometimes they don't even know why they are doing it. I love my 13 year old son very much, however when I remarried he began to try and act like my new husband. He wanted to kiss me and hug me all the time. I'm affeectionate but saw the signs that he was just a little jealous. I talked him and told him that when he kissed me, he needed to kiss me on my cheek and hug me like mom and son. I explained that my love for is different than that of a husband. He holds a special place in my heart. He soon stopped and we know have our NORMAL level of affection. It's up to the parent to set boundaries, because they are just kids/even teens and they don't understand.
Tell him you find it inappropriate, that you are happy that he shows love for his daughter but it's makes you uncomfortable. Sometime every step-parent gets a little jealous, but I don't think you would be jealous if it wren't over the top. Trust me, you don't want to go any further if you can't talk to him about this. ↑ |
| Name: stepdaughter | Date: Aug 21st, 2009 5:18 AM |
| You are so sick I feel bad for you...secure much? You are green with envy! Your not even his wife! Keep this up and he will kick you to the curb! The sooner the better for the kids. ↑ |
| Name: Mary | Date: Aug 23rd, 2009 3:17 AM |
It's up to the father to set boundaries .
There are many ways a father can show his daughter he loves her without kissing her lips, putting his hands in positions that most people feel are only appropriate with the woman in his life .
The assumption that this is totally Ok, is not Ok..
The women that call you jealous might be the very ones that would miss the dysfunction in this relationship with his daughter..
If you feel uncomfortable with just certain types of affection, and not all affection and attention he shows his daughter.Then you are not "jealous" and might have some real concerns.
Don't listen to these people that accuse you ...
Take it serious and tell your fiance which types of affection makes you feel uncomfortable and ask for those to stop. If he argues, balks, tries to diminish your worries, then get professional opinions..
Little girls some times have lived this for so long they come to think of it as normal and want to be this close with their Dad's..Then find out later it was not right.. And it can have damaging effects..
Your the only other adult there. Step up and deal with it. ↑ |
| Name: Mary | Date: Aug 23rd, 2009 3:34 AM |
I have been reading some of the replies..
Ladies, if you think that your man is doing inappropriate things with their daughters, small video camera's are not expensive..
I would set one up and find out for sure.
You might be the only adult that can stop a child from abuse. Regardless that she seems to like it..Kids do what they learn, some do like it..Until they get old enough to know better. Then they usually suffer for it..
Take hold of the situation and try to help the child.
To hell with the father, if he is abusing his daughter he isn't worth worrying about. He is the one wrong. ↑ |
| Name: anonymous | Date: Aug 29th, 2009 4:14 AM |
I think it's crossing boundaries that should not be crossed. I don't know how this situation can be stopped. I don't think it can at this point, unless she gets a boyfriend and he is not ok with it -
and most likely that won't happen as the dad won't let go/ she won't find someone who compares/ etc. at least not for a long while.
if you try to say or do anything, you'll look like the bad guy.
even if he agrees and starts acting differently, the daughter will resent you for changing him. and then he'll side with his daughter.
all you can do to protect yourself is to let go of the guy and find someone who you feel totally okay with. ↑ |
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