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My partner and I have been together for 7yrs and we recently used my nephew as a sperm donor. The biggest reason was to have my blood line, well it worked and we are expecting our son in 4mos. The problem is with my family, they cant get past the fact that this child is my son and not my nephews. My sister wants to be grandma my niece wants to be aunt. I dont want a Jerry Springer type thing going on here. My nephew will be part of our childs life put it is my child. My nephew understands this but his mom and sister cant. If it was an unknown sperm donor this would not be an issue my sister would be aunt and my niece would be cousin. I know this is confusing but I dont want the whole reason we done this that is for my partner and I to have a child that we love and family we want to be lost in the whole situation. Any advice is desperatly needed!
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its not your aunts and nieces decision, as long as your nephew know what he was doing, then let it go, dont pay attention to "who they want to be." how did you get pregnant with a healthy baby if its related? dont two family memebers that have babies together usually have something wrong with the baby? thats very odd..but i dont know why you didnt use one of your husbands family memebers to be a sperm donor.
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I'm sorry but I find it completely tapped that you would have a blood relative donate sperm to concieve your baby. I agree with Heather, why didnt you just use one of your husbands family members. Theres always a chance of problems with a baby concieved from two members. Sorry hun but you already have a perfect episode for Jerry Springer right now.
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How do you all know the partner, who isn't a blood relative, isn't the one carrying the baby?
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oh you so smart JB.
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OK. I'm normally a gentle, placid person, but what you have done deserves no sympathy, because it was done voluntarily. I couldn't begin to imagine using my nephew's sperm to create a child. How shocking. This may be your partner's child, but it is also your nephew's, and I can understand your sister wanting to be grandma, and your neice, aunt. Because they are. YOU were the one wanting to keep the blood line, but you have used your nephew's blood, and not your own. Btw using the blood line is absolute nonsense. I was adopted at birth, I have no blood ties with anyone I know. There was never any need to do that. This will be his child, it will look like him, have his genes, and eventually it will know he is its father, which will confuse and upset the child to learn this, devastating what he was raised to know. When the baby is born, your nephew will take more of an interest, especially as he will see it grow up. You have made a dreadful mistake. It would have been less complicated to use a stranger's sperm. No amount of advice is going to make this easy for you. You have dug a hole for yourself, you're just going to have to live with it. But no amount of denial is ever going to change the identity of the true father of this baby.
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Where I live, it is the culture to call all adults auntie and uncle (even older cousins, even friends of the family, even the guards at the youth detention facility hahahahaha), and certain old people gramdma/grandpa or popo, or bubby, kupuna, or whatever. It takes a whole village...and this is the perfect application of this concept. You can raise your child to call everyone uncle and auntie, and the older ones gram, even the real grams! My daughter will call her mom's husband 'uncle' and that's that.
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ita all up to you.
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Why does everyone assume that it is a woman writting this and not a man? No state could legally let a woman be impregnated by a blood family member. Use your heads people. As for the original topic: this is going to be your baby not theirs and you need to make it clear for the mental health of the child if they want to be a part of the childs life they need to know the boundaries of doing so. Put your foot down and be a man, if you dont it is your child that will suffer.
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it sounds to me that its two lesbians, thats why they wanted a sperm donor.i could be wrong but it is under alternative families you know!
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I agree with sally.2 LEZBIANS THERE!!
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mcarmis,
Here is the Truth of the matter: Your nephew is the father of this child. Your sister is the grandmother of this child. Your niece is the aunt. And you are the great aunt of this child. These are all facts. It is biological and cannot be changed. It is FACT. Now legally, it is a different matter. If you are adopting this child, then you are the legal parent, not the nephew. This then makes your sister the child's legal Aunt, IN ADDITION to the child's natural grandmother. It makes your niece the child's legal cousin, IN ADDITION to the child's natural aunt. And it makes your nephew the child's legal cousin, IN ADDITION to the child's natural father. Even if you do not put your nephew's name in the "father" section of the birth certificate (which would be a lie, so I hope you would put your nephew's name there as that is in your child's best interest, even though you may think it not in yours. That is all part of being a parent mcarmis, putting the child's best interest over your desires and preferences.), your nephew is still the child's father. This is a fact that you cannot change, no matter what you say or do. You can try to cover it up, you can try to deny it. It will not make it less true, and it will not make the Truth disappear. You still have to go through adoption proceedings to make the child your child legally, but the child will never be yours biologically. You cannot fight that fact. So don't. Be happy and satisfied that you are the legal parent, and therefore very blessed. It is in the child's best interest for you not to fight the truth, but to work with it. What harm is it to have the child know that your sister is indeed Grandma? How can allowing these people in your life love your child in a most beautiful and natural manner be anything but in your child's best interest!? It will only harm the child to fight the truth. You have to decide how much you love the child mcarmis. Do you think you can love this child enough to be honest? I certainly hope so. = |
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er, correction...
UNTIL your nephew signs away his parental rights, and UNTIL you adopt the child, you are not the parent of this child, your nephew is. So only AFTER you adopt this child do you have any rights. Mcarmis, as it stands right now, you HAVE NO RIGHTS regarding this child. It is NOT your child until AFTER you adopt. = |
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Apparently she is the one carrying the child but they just used someone else's sperm, so she does have rights. It is her egg and her body carrying the baby.
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to "er...another correction"
It cannot be mcarmis carrying her own nephew's child. That would be illegal and no fertility clinic would do it. It would put the child at risk for birth defects. Mcarmis's partner is the child's mother, therefore mcarmis has no parental rights until the baby is born and mcarmis adopts. = |
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Here is a lecture mcarmis, since you so obviously need it.
You know, mcarmis, you are just beginning to deal with the problems you have created by your actions. Only you are not the one that is going to suffer the worst of the consequences of your actions, it is the poor innocent child. Using our brains usually prevents such things from happening. I really like Laura’s post. And I would like to expound on it, for she is right about a coupld of things. First, until the nephew gives up his parental rights (if he hasn't already as part of the sperm donation process), and until you adopt the child, which cannot happen until the child's birth, you have no rights in regards to the child. You cannot rightfully call the unborn baby your child, as you do. It is your partner’s baby, so therefore you are attached, but it is not yours. If your partner packed up and left you, you would have no claim to this child. Even if you were in the state of Massachusetts, gotten ‘married’, you, not being the natural father of this child. And so until adoption proceedings, have no right to this child. This was your choice. Your choice. The second thing Laura brought up that I am going to expound on is the term “best interest”. It was a very selfish thing you have done, and unfortunately your partner's baby is going to suffer much more then you ever will from this. It sounds like you need to work real hard to redeem yourself here, mcarmis, for you stopped having the baby's best interest at heart before the baby was even conceived. It was all about what you thought your best interest was. You never even thought about how this would affect a growing child with questions, did you? If you had, the situation plaguing you right now would have been addressed and resolved before conception. How much worse it will be 10 years from now for your partner’s poor baby, if he or she is raised by you as his or her parent. People claim that all is good as long as the child is surrounded by love, but what we keep forgetting is that often times it is not love for the children that brings children into these types of situation, it is love for one's self. And children raised in such selfish 'love' environments suffer. A child can only benefit from a loving environment if their best interests are held over the parents. And from how you chose to create this child, using it’s prospective future cousin’s sperm to father him/her, you have made it clear that your desires are more important then his/her best interest. This baby isn’t even born and s/he already has baggage that s/he will have to deal with for the rest of his/her life. How selfish of you! You have made a decision to be with your partner, which both of you knew perfectly well that Nature would not allow a child to be created from your lovemaking. This was your choice. It is not as if you were infertile,mcarmis. This is a choice you made, unlike male and female couples that struggle with infertility which is not their choice. You choose to be with a partner which was unnatural for you to have a child with. If you truly had love for children, you would not create a child in an unnatural manner to suit your selfish desire, you would have adopted instead a needy child who needed a parent. Such children are raised by loving parents. You have a way to go to be a truly loving parent. But you wanted a baby, on your terms....with your bloodline mcarmis. It would have made no difference to the child, as Gillian has pointed out. The only people it would have made a difference to is you, and maybe your partner. So despite the problems it would so obviously raise for the child, you proceeded because it was your desire, your preference, even though it will cause the child problems. Who cares about the child's needs anyways, eh mcarmis? You have your desires met. Being a parent requires a lot more self sacrifice then you have proven yourself to have. Poor child. It would be better for it to be put up for adoption (by someone else since you too can only be an adoptive parent) then to be raised by you. That is unless you and your partner grow up real quick, and stop thinking about yourselves only. Children should be created to share love, real love, not a selfish love of self with the hopes of satisfying our wants. For quickly they prove as they grow….they never satisfy any parent’s wants. It’s hard work to raise a healthy child mcmaris, one that requires total selflessness. These problems are nothing compared to what you are in store for. Prepare yourself for a ride. If you truly have love for this child, then you will allow him/her his/her grandmother, aunts, uncles, cousins, and yes, even his/her father. Grow up before this child passes you up in maturity! = |
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wow! I am so sorry you've had to listen to so much BS on this site! No one realizes how hard it is for a lesbian couple to just settle down, get "married" and have kids. This world makes it as hard as it gets! What you and your partener did is the right thing simply because you and your partener made this decision together. Be happy! Don't let anyone tell you how to live your life or your babies life as well. And make sure you tell you family how it is now...so they can adjust in time for the baby. My partener and I have adopted twins recently but plan on trying to have our own children prob next year when the twins are a little older. I will be using my parteners sperm...which isnt the same as your sit. But picturing him as the dad crossed my mind. He is more than happy to donate to me and just be uncle....and thats it! My decision, no question about it. I hope you guys are happy...you should be -YOUR HAVING A BABY! CONGRATS!! (or maybe you had it already, hooray!!)
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ya, it's all about you isn't it.
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Raising children without a mother or a father should never be a matter of choice, only a matter of unfortunate circumstance.
Mothers are important to children. Fathers are important to children. Anyone who claims this is not true is in denial or is brainwashed. To willingly create a situation where a child is not to have a mother or father is a terrible injustice to that child! Haven't we enough dysfunction in the world? Do we really think it benefits anyone to create more dysfunction? = |
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Tell them to get over it ,whats done is done and your nephew doesnt have a problem withit so neither should they. Also say if they dont respect what you want the baby wont be calling them anything because they wont be seeing the baby!
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" Also say if they dont respect what you want the baby wont be calling them anything because they wont be seeing the baby"
And once again someone on this forum suggests the answer to the problem lies in forcing the child to make sacrifices to make life easier for us, and to allow us to feel o.k. with making bad choices based on selfish motives that involve them. Yes....we seem to think it is easier to make our children suffer then accept the consequences of our actions. As long as we deny that they are going to suffer from it, they can't really blame us, now can they? Whoever said an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure was silly enough to think that we would want to have a cure. I mean, after all, it really isn't OUR problem is it? It will be THEIRS, not OURS. And all we have to do is tell them that we raised them with the best intentions, that it was our "Love" that made us want to create them at the expense of their best interest. We thought our best interest was more important then theirs so much that we denied their best interest was even being ignored. They'll understand. But really too, they won't even know what the h#)) went wrong, so who cares? And when they turn into teenagers and young adults we can wonder why they are treating us the way they do when we raised them with all the quote "LOVE" unquote we could muster for someone other then ourselves. Here is a question that no one here wants to address: What kind of love is it that requires children to sacrifice their needs for our wants? Is this really the kind of love we should create children to experience? We behave in this kind of manner, then wonder why our world is so disrespectful and selfish. Claiming children do not need what Nature clearly states they do, will not mean that everything will be o.k. for them just because it suits us better. Seeing our desires for children outside the natural requirements of a mommy and a daddy creates a poison drink that only they must drink. Denying that we are forcing our children to drink a poison does not mean it won't harm them. Which eventually harms the world. For we cannot harm our children without it having an effect on our world. However we can deny that there is a connection, so we can point our fingers accusingly elsewhere, and then we won't need to feel guilty, or have to do without that which we want. And what we want is far more important then what other people, even our own children, need. Yes.... yes, it all is really a matter of what we deem important for us, isn't it? Who gives a d@#^ about what is important for our children. The only thing that is really important to them is what WE want to be important to them. Let them struggle with the consequences of our actions when they get to be adults...who cares really? So now that you created this child, go ahead and tell it that fathers are not important, and that people who truly love it are not important, because, well , these people get in YOUR way. = |
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there u go again, babbling on these long responses, boring!
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Hello to whomever is posting to me,
I am glad I am annoying you, for it means your conscience has not yet been fully deadened by the lies of our selfish society. The only way I could be annoying you is if I am hitting a chord with you. I am glad I am giving you that unsettling feeling because that means your conscience is not dead and is trying to tell you something. If this were not so, my words would not bug you so much, you would dismiss them as nothing more then another person's opinion which is not important. But they are important to you, and you know what I am saying is accurate...otherwise you would have identified yourself when you criticized me here and in other threads. Deep down you know I am correct. I sincerely hope that you listen to that quiet voice within you that is your conscience. Be true to yourself and listen to that voice which my words seem to have awakened enough to give you irritation, the voice within you that the world has tried to bury with it's false, but sweetly tempting doctrinations. I'm rooting for you...for I used to be fooled like you. It isn't an easy task to break away from society's deceptive seduction, but I hope you love yourself, and those in your life, enough to at least try. = |
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seeeeeeeeeexxxxxxx
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dear god P. C. shut the HELL UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Have the kid call everyone what he would normally call them if it was a child from your husband. To whoever write about calling all family members auntie and uncle--- I grew up doing that too, and in this situation that is another option. = |
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P.C. NEEDS TO GET OFF HERE
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Bladerunner,
please watch your language. You're a little late anways. I haven't seen pc on this forum for a few months anyways, so you can calm down now. There's plenty of others who are like her, so you won't have any trouble finding someone else to pick on. = |
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i'am looking for a real women
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what a mess!!! If you would have married a guy it would have been a different story....sorry,but this is SICK!!!By the way to the idiot who posted that this wouldn't be legally done anywhere,they probably just had sex,or did it themselves.DUH!anyhow this is called incest......
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to marcus
if you are lookinf for a real woman why are you in alternative family?how bout a les chic?look elsewhere. = |
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*sigh*
Once again. It is not incest. This is a lesbian couple having this child. Lesbian mcarmis's nephew's sperm was used to impregnate Lesbian mcarmis's PARTNER. Lesbian mcarmis was NOT impregnated by her own nephew, her PARTNER was. How much more clearer can it be made?? And the idiot, as you called them, who posted that it would be illegal for a fertility to impregnate mcarmis with her own nephew's sperm was actually correct on that point. However it is perfectly legal to impregnate mcarmis's partner with mcarmis's nephew's sperm. Does everyone understand now? Because it is very important to the state of our world that we all understand how this all played out. = |
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Heather: the chances of a baby with deformities is larger in the case of both parents being of the same blood line, but that doesn't mean even a brother and sister can't have a perfectly healthy baby in every way together. Although I think that is a little wierd, but it is not for me to judge there.
Gillian and The lecture: by p.c.: You guys may think you are helping, but I don't think you are. If the nephew donated his sperm, yes, he is the biological father, and his mother and sister are the biological parents. BUT: the egg donor appears to be the partner of the OP. So the baby belongs to her biologically (or else it is hers if she is the actual mother). Someone mentioned the father's rights. If the father does not sign paternity papers, and the mother does not give a father's name for the birth certificate, he does not have any legal rights to the child. He would have to ask for a paternity test in order to get any rights in the eyes of the law. So the OP can adopt without anyone's permission but the mother's. The lecture: by p.c. : You said: It was a very selfish thing you have done, and unfortunately your partner's baby is going to suffer much more then you ever will from this. It sounds like you need to work real hard to redeem yourself here, mcarmis, for you stopped having the baby's best interest at heart before the baby was even conceived. How the hell do you justify a statement like this? The nephew did not have to give his sperm if he didn't want to. He did a wonderful thing helping this couple have a baby that they could not conceive on their own. A baby is a wonderful thing, and because they are so wonderful, it takes a good set of parents to raise the baby. How do you know that the nephew is a better parent than this couple? You, my dear, are a homophobe. How dare you insinuate that a lesbian couple cannot possibly have a child's best interests at heart, and how dare you insinuate that it is somehow wrong for a lesbian to become a mother via insemmination? Unnatural you say? I think the unnatural thing is allowing a hetero couple to procreat the "normal" way and beat their child and sexually abuse their child, but since it is the "normal" way... get my drift? I think that this couple, if they are indeed lesbians, are amazing people for opening up their home hearts to a child that will have both bloodlines, so essentially a part of both of them. You said: The only way I could be annoying you is if I am hitting a chord with you. I am glad I am giving you that unsettling feeling because that means your conscience is not dead and is trying to tell you something. If this were not so, my words would not bug you so much, you would dismiss them as nothing more then another person's opinion which is not important. But they are important to you, and you know what I am saying is accurate...otherwise you would have identified yourself when you criticized me here and in other threads. Actually, the reason you are so annoying is because you insist on spouting off your homophobic nonsense. = |
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What is the big deal?
There is NOTHING that a father can offer in the life of a child that a woman can offer instad. Just like there is NOTHING that a mother can offer in the life of a child that a father can offer instad. Let's face it, mothers and fathers in their old outdated roles are no longer important with how far we have come. This is the new millenium. I was raised without a dad and turned out just fine. I don't need any man in my life! They're just useless anyways! I can't wait until we can figure out how to have kids without having to carry them 9 months in OUR stomachs! I'm sure it won't be long. = |
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how does anyone no that her partner could be a women, an being a lesbian couple ourselfs, its a way of them hving wat they want but i do agree its a bit strange that its a nephew, will he be dad or cousin or wat?
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This is just rediculous. This is what I have gotten from the orginal post. "Hi, I and my lesbian partner are having a baby. My partner is pregnant with sperm donated by my nephew, so that we have my bloodline and my partner's bloodline. Now the family of my nephew are having some serious issues"
Am I the only one who got this? = |
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That's what I got. I don't understand how this got to be such a big deal (even if it WAS from 2005). It's the same thing as if they would have gone to a doner bank. The fact is, the cousin DONATED the sperm willingly, therefor, he has NO parental rights, just as those who donate sperm at the sperm bank have NO parental rights. Does that make sense? I think the sister and the mom need to just accept that and move on.
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WOW!!! This is Mcarmis, hello everyone! I totally forgot about posting this on this forumm, I read everything tonight! And I just want to clarify- MY NEPHEWS SPERM DID NOT GO INSIDE ME! We have a beautiful 8 mo old baby boy! And hes healthy thank god! So no, no deformities because it wasnt incest!!!!!
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You know what? Family sperm donations are very common for a multiplicity of reasons. Some people can't conceive even if they are in a hetero-relationship, some families feel more comfortable with family donations, etc.
In most cases, all the legal work is done before the conception process takes place and it sounds like the nephew is totally on-board with all of this. I'm sorry, Mcarmis for the hate that you've received here. For the rest of you sorry jerks, most alternative couples wait until they have money, insurance, good houses, etc. to have children. They've planned for accidents or unforeseen occurrences and they love their children just as much as I love my daughter. Just because I married a man doesn't make me better. Same sex families have lower instances of alcohol abuse, physical and emotional and sexual abuse, lower instances of divorce, delinquency of their children and fewer instances of living on welfare (as most of the responders here must, since none of you can think for yourselves or even spell). Having a father and a mother is important, but in same-sex marriages, one person generally takes over each role, not to mention that friends and family play a much larger part in bringing up the child than in traditional families. As far as the sister and the mother of the nephew, honestly, how often do you hang out with your nephew and his family? They can call themselves whatever they want, but the legalities make it clear that you and your partner are the parents of the child and if you don't see them often, it becomes a non-issue. = |
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Hi mcarmis,
I understand why you have chosen a member of your own family to be a sperm donor. So many people chose random donors who they know nothing about. I hope you don't think i'm being insensitive but I write features for a respectable woman's magazine. If you're interested in putting your side of the story across it could help you to come to terms with things and also show your family exactly how you're feeling. It may also help people in a similiar situation to yourself. Let me know what you think. Kind Regards = |
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i wana see insest porn
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I have kinda put my self in the same spot i could not cary full trem so my sister in law gave birth to a baby girl for me and my wife my daughter now age one has heard Sunee call herself mommy I have had to put my foot down many times about this you need to be strong and let your sister and niece know this is your child not there son or daughters in time they will let up trust me you are strong it will hurt because there family but they will come around
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I am in a similar situation to you, only I'm in the initial stages and the woman! My husband cant have kids but at the moment we are at the end of a year and a half waiting list so we are eligible for funding for a donor. My husband wants to know if his bro can be a donor so I am guessing he can if your nephew is yours. I'm not that keen on the idea due to foreseen problems like the ones you mention. I think my brother in law donating is a big mistake as he has a wife and children so he would be their dad and uncle. I agree that it helps with knowing family health history and it helps the baby to look like my husband but I think there will be more serious problems in the future. I do agree however, that it is your baby and it is not up to the rest of your family to make these decisions. They should also be keeping out of this at this stage as it will be putting undue pressure on you and your partner. I don't know where mine is a the mo due to our latest argument after the hospital appointment yesterday!
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if my brother donates the sperm to me, will the baby come out okay?
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