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Name: Stephanie
[ Original Post ]
I need some direction or advice, and please be honest...
I have been married for ten years, and in the past five years I am becoming more and more anxious to end my marriage. I love my husband, but we have nothing in commone anymore. He runs and fishes tournaments, which takes up most of his time. I am not interested in such things. I am also ashamed to admit I am no longer attracted to him. He is not unattractive, but I just don't 'feel' it anymore. We have discussed spending more time together, talking more, and for a few weeks it's good, but then we fall back into the same 'seperate life' thing again. He tells me he loves me all the time, and I believe him, but I don't 'feel' it. I have to ask to be hugged, I have to ask for any affection. My husband no longer sleeps in our bed because he says I take up too much room [FYI: I weigh about 115 pounds]
I am at my wits end. I am, in a sense giving up, I don't think I want to be married anymore. Does this make me a horrible person? Should I be making myself continue to love him? Please someone give me some advice, either tell me it's okay to leave, or tell me to shut up and work it out.......
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Name: sonia | Date: Mar 10th, 2006 1:13 PM
I understand how you feel. I have posted on: is this just too deppressing or something like that you can go there if you want too. I want a divorce too but right now I am just riding the waves I think you should too since there is no abuse right? Some times the feelings come back and sometimes they don't but it is important to remember that love is not a feeling but an action. Just because you don't feel like you love your husband do you show him. example doing things for him like cook clean anything really. I don't feel like I love my husband either but I know I do because of the actions I show him. If you want to know our story visit my thread the one right before this one. Stephanie, don't give in just yet try counceling and be patient marriage is a commitment for good times and bad. Ask for God to help you he will he helps me stay married every day these days. 

Name: Stephanie | Date: Mar 10th, 2006 1:20 PM
No, there is no physical abuse.
On occasion he will yell at me about the most obsurd things.
I am struggling with the whole 'good times and bad', commitment part. That is what I believe keeps me here. But my heart keeps dragging, and I am sad a lot. I feel like my life is passing me by while he is out having the time of his life.
I was married very young, and I just wonder if I have changed too much to ever go back?
We have no children. So I also think that is why we function like we have seperate lives, we have nothing to really bond us together....?
I have asked him to go to counceling, I have asked him numerous times to call and make the appointment. He doesn't.
I cook and clean all the time Sonia! LOL...It's expected. 

Name: sonia | Date: Mar 10th, 2006 1:32 PM
Stephanie, I know you are sad a lot I am too but I try to make myself happy. This is key because he can't or won't make you happy. I am going to school full time this is something I do for myself to make me happy. I get out of the house and talk to others who are soo much nicer than my husband. I went to counceling too with out my husband I had the same problem he was always too busy to go. It still helped me a lot. I think if you guys don't have kids this makes it a lot less complex if you decide to leave. Do you want kids how old are you? I got married too young too but I also had a bunch of kids. Stupid me. now I can't leave so easy or I would have been gone a long time ago. I think if you want kids you shouldn't waste anymore time with him get out before it is too late to have kids. 

Name: Stephanie | Date: Mar 10th, 2006 1:41 PM
I am happiest when I am at work. That's when I can interact with people, and forget about my problems. I don't know what I want to do, that's the problem. I am only 33, and feel as if my life is passing me by, by waiting at home for him, and when he is home, he is on the phone or on the computer. All he wants to talk about is his fishing tournaments, and the subject does not interest me. Like I said, he tells me he loves me all the time, but I don't feel that he 'shows' it...
I am unable to have children. Medical reasons, I had to have my fallopheon tubes removed. We went to a fertility clinic, and he discouraged me away from it due to the cost.
I think I would like to be a mother someday, but I am more focused on where I want my life to go. I am not the same woman I was when I was 23...When I was 23 I revolved my whole world around him and his wants, I never had an opinion, and we did what he wanted to do. Emotionally, he is not very supportive. It's hard. I think I could have a chance at making a life for myself, on my own. Become my own woman, find what makes me happy...I don't want to feel sad anymore. And he asked me this morning what was wrong? I told him I am feeling very 'blue'. He said, "oh." Nothing more. I don't know why I can't stop feeling this way. 

Name: sonia | Date: Mar 10th, 2006 1:54 PM
I recommend staying married while you seek that life for yourself. 

Name: Stephanie | Date: Mar 10th, 2006 1:56 PM
But why? I don't understand... 


Name: sonia | Date: Mar 10th, 2006 2:37 PM
why not? unless there is someone else you are interested in or maybe you are interested in being alone? For me it is that I am not interested in anyone else but I am also not interested in being alone plus if you do find someone else you just get a whole other set of problems. No relationship is perfect in fact often they are terrible but some people like to try anyway. If you are okay with being alone then go for it but if your hope is to find someone new remember they will have problems too just different ones maybe ones that are worse. 

Name: Stephanie | Date: Mar 10th, 2006 2:53 PM
I do understand that no relationship is perfect. Ours never was. But this depressed feeling I have over wanting to be on my own. But to be completely honest w/ you Sonia, yes, I have feeling for someone else. And that's why I am torn. I love my husband, and do not wish to hurt him, but yet..this other person is very nice to me, listens to my opinions, is genuienely interested in ME.
I just spoke to my husband on the phone and am crying...he asked why I was so 'blue'. I told him I couldn't put my finger on it. He said that he would like to talk to me about it. Do I tell him exactly what I am feeling right now? Would it help? 

Name: sonia | Date: Mar 10th, 2006 3:06 PM
It might not help the situation but I don't know what your husband is like. When I told my husband I was thinking about being with someone else it did not help at all. Communication is important when it is done right.. If you love someone else you could always take that chance but things might be the same in ten years. You might be unhappy. Do what you feel is right but don't make rash decisions think before you speak or act. Play out ALL the possibilities in your mind before you do anything. If my husband wouldn't even share a bed with me I'd be gone very quickly but I am the type of person who needs a lot of touching. 

Name: Stephanie | Date: Mar 10th, 2006 3:13 PM
Yes! I do too! I don't understand why he doesn't sleep w/ me, when he tells me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me?
This other person is very considerate, and very supportive.
So do I just leave then? I know if I tell him, he will just try and get me to stay, and then I will be feeling this same way in three months? 

Name: sonia | Date: Mar 10th, 2006 4:27 PM
Don't leave and don't tell him. yet. think about it first. 

Name: Stephanie | Date: Mar 10th, 2006 4:45 PM
I keep flip flopping back and forth, I hate feeling like this.
You are right. I need to think some more.
Sonia, you have helped me a great deal, thank you very much. 

Name: tar baby | Date: Jul 21st, 2006 2:41 AM
forget what everyone else says. If you want to leave, leave.
start your own life.
you learned a lot during this time. incorporate it.
good luck and God Bless 

Name: simone | Date: Jul 28th, 2006 10:18 PM
i dont want to be married anymore as well 

Name: AJ | Date: Jul 29th, 2006 10:12 AM
Love changes with years just like we all do because life experiences change you but it is important to feel like you are always wanted besides needed and the best way to show that is through always communicating through the years and feeling close.Respect and friendship have to stay in a marriage and just like a relationship with our children (although of course very different) it transforms as life changes them and us but thatt feeling of "closeness" never dies when a realtionship is healthy.Some marriages just get lost because one of the two (or even worse both) just are bored and did not give the daily attention the partner and the couple needs to survive.They both start going separate ways.Soon enough you loose track and get disinterested or annoyed with your partner and of course you start looking around and may find another person who gives you attention.Well my first advice is to make sure your marriage is ended and that you are at the point of no return.Take to him and tell him how you feel and if he wants to save the marriage you both have to work on it.If he doesn't want to do it or if you try and do not succeed, face the failure together and both admit it is doomed.Then try being on your own.Somehow going straight from one relationship to another can be drastic, but if you realy feel strongly about this other person you met well, date him and discover if he is really what you need and if this relationship will work,,,no one really knows what can happen, we can only hope and work hard for it but again it takes two to tango so even your new partner will have to work hard to keep the relationship alove and healthy, fun, loving and lasting! Love seems to all be good in the beginning.The hard work starts afterb years.Take it from me, I've been married 25 years have two kids and now i see my marriage has ended but my husband does not want to admit this is true, even though it is 4 months we don't sleep together and 5 years we don't kiss....the Magic is gone but for the kids sake wejust kept plugging on.Good luck to all and just be sure of what you are doing,,,,reflect!!
AJ 

Name: Lizzi | Date: Jul 29th, 2006 9:30 PM
Sounds like you already know exactly what you want,your just waiting for someone to tell you to make it final.Think long and hard before you break the news to your husband though. Can you make it financially without him? Will you later look back and see this as a big mistake?Maybe you'll be more unhappy without him? Have you told him your not,(feeling it) anymore? Maybe you should. Maybe that's what it will take to get your marriage back on track. You need to be completely honest with him. If you love him at all,you need to put forth some effort. 

Name: amber555 | Date: Jul 31st, 2006 3:06 AM
Hi Stephanie,
I dont think there is ANYTHING wrong with you. The heart wants what the heart wants. Knowing this doesnt make it any less sad, but you cant make yourself stay in love with him, no matter how 'nice' he is. And please dont think that you are the only one feeling it - he knows it too. It's just easier for him to ignore it. In the long run you are better off being honest and making the painful move of leaving. He deserves someone who will truly love him, and you do also. Marriage is not supposed to be a penance - it is supposed to add value to both your lives - and it clearly isnt if you've felt like this for so long. I feel for you I really do, but know that in the long run you'll be much happier and your life more productive if you go. And know, above anything else that - YOU ARENT DOING ANYTHING WRONG.
Good luck Stephanie - not that you'll need it, just a bit of confidence and self-belief that you are doing the right thing for both of you.
Amber 

Name: pj754 | Date: Jul 31st, 2006 2:08 PM
I would be a little concerned about him not sleeping in your bed. Just because you take up too much room doesn't sound like a very good excuse. Plus, if he runs and fishes all the time, my question would be is he actually fishing? Please understand, I'm not trying to offend you but if my husband wouldn't sleep with me, I would definitely question it. Sure, he says he loves you but as a husband, he should be willing to show it to you. I was under the impression that men usually have to beg for affection from the woman. From what it sounds your husband isn't look for that from you. Perhaps he is seeking it somewhere else? Not only that but maybe he's too afraid to admit it and is hoping that you will seek it somewhere else which will let him off the hook of not being the bad guy. My ex stopped giving me affection too and always told me he loved me. Yet, he was all about himself and his errands and me time. He never like doing the things I wanted to do. I felt the same way you did, I just knew something wasn't right between us but I couldn't put my figure on it. I always thought he loved me. Although, after I filed for divorce friends told me he had being cheating on me during my marriage. He still slept in the same bed but the feeling of being together as one, just wasn't there. Also, he, too was on the computer all the time. One day, I discovered he was looking a personal ads of naked women looking for that perfect man. I was hurt by it. So, I kept track of his computer searches and discovered he was looking at more than he should have been. If he said he truly loved me, then I felt it should have been only me. This was just a thought and maybe you have already considered it. 

Name: William | Date: Aug 2nd, 2006 7:42 PM
I know exactly how you feel. I struggle on a daily basis with the same issues, Its not like I dont care its just that I cannot see myself enjoying all the awesome things life has to offer with her. I want her to be happy. She deserves to be happy and I cannot do it because she is not my best friend. I do have a theory. First, think about the greatest adventure or experience you could every enjoy. The trip of a lifetime. Who do you see sharing that with? If it is not him, or in my case if it is not her, then its not fair to anyone, kids and all to continue. 

Name: Maisy | Date: Nov 24th, 2006 6:59 PM
There has been some great advice here, "to work on your marriage", that "marriages have ups and downs", "get out while you can", and you know what? I agree with them all.
I am also very unhappy, and the only reason I am still here is because of children, you have no children, so I say get out and live the life you want to live. 

Name: staceykelley | Date: Nov 24th, 2006 7:20 PM
me and my husband went through the same thing i pretyy much fell out of love with him the way i see it is you only have one life you need to live your life to the fullest but from my experience the grass wasnt greener on the other side but im still happy me and my husband are not together now he lives 6 hrs away and we are best friendsgod if we could have gotton along like that when we were together then our marraige would have lasted 

Name: BrookeW | Date: Nov 24th, 2006 8:07 PM
Maisy, I hope you are not still there making yours and your husbands lives miserable only for the children. Please get back to me if it is still this way. I have some advice you might like. 

Name: Maisy | Date: Nov 24th, 2006 8:30 PM
BrookeW - Excuse me????? I am not making anyones lives a misery!!!
Stephanie, run away!!!!!!! 

Name: BrookeW | Date: Nov 24th, 2006 8:42 PM
NO Maisy, I really didn't mean it like that. I was going more towards the point, that I know what you are going through. That's all, I didn't mean for it to sound mean or rude. Sorry if you took it that way. 

Name: Maisy | Date: Nov 24th, 2006 8:50 PM
BrookeW - Apology accepted, miscommunication.
I just wanted to say, NOT TO STAY in a relationship that really has dried up. You cannot keep pretending to love someone, let alone like them, I know. I am still married, but my husband and I do have a few good times, very few. Mostly everyday for the last 14 years, I have questioned why I did this, got married, and then why am I still here?
The children are not stupid and witness many an argument, (isn't how I wanted to rear children), but I hope they see when we both try to make the effort too. Hoping they are still oblivious to our under the table remarks to each other.
Sure you have to work at it, but there has to be some happy feelings inside too, make your decision and stick to it. 

Name: BrookeW | Date: Nov 24th, 2006 8:58 PM
Well, My S2B hubby was in a marriage for about 9 years. He had three kids with his wife, but was never truely happy. It's not easy starting your entire life over. But he took the chance and thanks god every day. He didn't know it was possible to be this happy. When it started affecting the kids, he knew he had to get out. Shit happens, feelings change, Love ends. But you have to move on. You can't live every day, day by day and hoping that today you'll maybe smile. How many kids do you have and what are their ages? 

Name: vbigelow | Date: Nov 26th, 2006 2:31 PM
Stephanie,
I suggest a marriage counselor. There are some who work on a sliding scale if money is an issue. I would do this before any more damage is done to the relationship. Since you indicate that your husband has some empathy for your feelings ("why so blue"), he might be willing to go. Without some outside help or a willingness to spend a lot of time doing empathetic listening with each other, I think this marriage is doomed. 

Name: Courtwinner | Date: Dec 13th, 2006 1:07 PM
Like the old saying "there's more fish in the sea" LOL No sense staying with someone you are misrable with, life is to short. Do you have children? I would not tell anyone to stay in a marraige with someone whom you do not love. You only get one life, so live it well and happy. Sounds like it's time to go. My son is a country recording artist. His first single is called "Put your name on the list lady". This is very empowering for all women that have put others in their lives first and found themselves back on the shelf because they are to busy doing for others. I would say GO FOR IT and start your new happy life. 

Name: kdk | Date: Dec 27th, 2006 4:58 PM
I don't want to be married anymore either. I relate to you 100%. I have 2 young children. He is a wonderful father and person. He does not abuse, etc. I am no longer attracted. I feel like he is a friend, not a husband. To make it worse, I don't want to work on it, I am done. It has taken me almost 3 years to decide this. I have taken it a step further and asked him to move out. He won't.

I am not sure where to go from here. I want to make this as friendly as possible. I want to remain friends for the sake of the children. I want him in their lives. I want him to move out. Now that I have finally asked him to move, everyday is horrible. He is constantly hurt, I am constantly trying to move ahead which I can't while he is there all the time. He follows me around the house, calls me repeatily at work, on IM. Questions all my phone calls, emails etc. He is smothering me. I have told him that. He still won't move. It looks like I am going to have to move the children and myself together or serve him with legal separation papers to make my point.

I was trying to remain married until he finished school since I support him financially and with medical benefits, but if he refuses to leave, i am going to have to do something sooner.

I feel terrible. But I relate. 

Name: LJ1 | Date: Dec 31st, 2006 6:10 AM
KdK,

Y do you want a divorce if he is such a good father and great person? Why do you see him as more of a freind than a husband? you say no longer attracted to him, did he put one weight? is he not loving you Intimately? why divorce? it sounds like you have someone who is hard working, setting himself up to be the provider, and wants to keep is marriage, where did he go wrong? 

Name: kdk | Date: Dec 31st, 2006 9:16 PM
Hi LJ1, you ask a good question. I have asked myself the same a million times. He is very needy and insecure. I find this very draining. Over the years, I have accomodated him, which in hindsight was probably wrong. I have lost myself completly in this marriage and over the past year as I have tried to express who I am things haven't gone very well. The things I have done is start listening to music I liked before we got married, I have started learning another language and started meeting friends off and on. He hasn't reacted to this very well.
The main 2 issues I have with him is that due to his insecure, needy nature, I am so smothered I can't stand it anymore. The other is from the financial aspect. He has very expensive tastes, cars, trucks, houses, 'toys'. He has this incredible need to keep up with the Jones if you will that I just plain can't afford anymore. I have financially supported him through out our marriage as I have a very good career. I also don't like what that is teaching the children.

I realized a couple years ago, I couldn't imagine retirement with him. I realized that once the children are old enough to move out, my marriage would be over. I don't want to wait until then. 

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