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I need some direction or advice, and please be honest...
I have been married for ten years, and in the past five years I am becoming more and more anxious to end my marriage. I love my husband, but we have nothing in commone anymore. He runs and fishes tournaments, which takes up most of his time. I am not interested in such things. I am also ashamed to admit I am no longer attracted to him. He is not unattractive, but I just don't 'feel' it anymore. We have discussed spending more time together, talking more, and for a few weeks it's good, but then we fall back into the same 'seperate life' thing again. He tells me he loves me all the time, and I believe him, but I don't 'feel' it. I have to ask to be hugged, I have to ask for any affection. My husband no longer sleeps in our bed because he says I take up too much room [FYI: I weigh about 115 pounds] I am at my wits end. I am, in a sense giving up, I don't think I want to be married anymore. Does this make me a horrible person? Should I be making myself continue to love him? Please someone give me some advice, either tell me it's okay to leave, or tell me to shut up and work it out....... ? |
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I understand how you feel. I have posted on: is this just too deppressing or something like that you can go there if you want too. I want a divorce too but right now I am just riding the waves I think you should too since there is no abuse right? Some times the feelings come back and sometimes they don't but it is important to remember that love is not a feeling but an action. Just because you don't feel like you love your husband do you show him. example doing things for him like cook clean anything really. I don't feel like I love my husband either but I know I do because of the actions I show him. If you want to know our story visit my thread the one right before this one. Stephanie, don't give in just yet try counceling and be patient marriage is a commitment for good times and bad. Ask for God to help you he will he helps me stay married every day these days.
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No, there is no physical abuse.
On occasion he will yell at me about the most obsurd things. I am struggling with the whole 'good times and bad', commitment part. That is what I believe keeps me here. But my heart keeps dragging, and I am sad a lot. I feel like my life is passing me by while he is out having the time of his life. I was married very young, and I just wonder if I have changed too much to ever go back? We have no children. So I also think that is why we function like we have seperate lives, we have nothing to really bond us together....? I have asked him to go to counceling, I have asked him numerous times to call and make the appointment. He doesn't. I cook and clean all the time Sonia! LOL...It's expected. = |
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Stephanie, I know you are sad a lot I am too but I try to make myself happy. This is key because he can't or won't make you happy. I am going to school full time this is something I do for myself to make me happy. I get out of the house and talk to others who are soo much nicer than my husband. I went to counceling too with out my husband I had the same problem he was always too busy to go. It still helped me a lot. I think if you guys don't have kids this makes it a lot less complex if you decide to leave. Do you want kids how old are you? I got married too young too but I also had a bunch of kids. Stupid me. now I can't leave so easy or I would have been gone a long time ago. I think if you want kids you shouldn't waste anymore time with him get out before it is too late to have kids.
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I am happiest when I am at work. That's when I can interact with people, and forget about my problems. I don't know what I want to do, that's the problem. I am only 33, and feel as if my life is passing me by, by waiting at home for him, and when he is home, he is on the phone or on the computer. All he wants to talk about is his fishing tournaments, and the subject does not interest me. Like I said, he tells me he loves me all the time, but I don't feel that he 'shows' it...
I am unable to have children. Medical reasons, I had to have my fallopheon tubes removed. We went to a fertility clinic, and he discouraged me away from it due to the cost. I think I would like to be a mother someday, but I am more focused on where I want my life to go. I am not the same woman I was when I was 23...When I was 23 I revolved my whole world around him and his wants, I never had an opinion, and we did what he wanted to do. Emotionally, he is not very supportive. It's hard. I think I could have a chance at making a life for myself, on my own. Become my own woman, find what makes me happy...I don't want to feel sad anymore. And he asked me this morning what was wrong? I told him I am feeling very 'blue'. He said, "oh." Nothing more. I don't know why I can't stop feeling this way. = |
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I recommend staying married while you seek that life for yourself.
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But why? I don't understand...
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why not? unless there is someone else you are interested in or maybe you are interested in being alone? For me it is that I am not interested in anyone else but I am also not interested in being alone plus if you do find someone else you just get a whole other set of problems. No relationship is perfect in fact often they are terrible but some people like to try anyway. If you are okay with being alone then go for it but if your hope is to find someone new remember they will have problems too just different ones maybe ones that are worse.
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I do understand that no relationship is perfect. Ours never was. But this depressed feeling I have over wanting to be on my own. But to be completely honest w/ you Sonia, yes, I have feeling for someone else. And that's why I am torn. I love my husband, and do not wish to hurt him, but yet..this other person is very nice to me, listens to my opinions, is genuienely interested in ME.
I just spoke to my husband on the phone and am crying...he asked why I was so 'blue'. I told him I couldn't put my finger on it. He said that he would like to talk to me about it. Do I tell him exactly what I am feeling right now? Would it help? = |
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It might not help the situation but I don't know what your husband is like. When I told my husband I was thinking about being with someone else it did not help at all. Communication is important when it is done right.. If you love someone else you could always take that chance but things might be the same in ten years. You might be unhappy. Do what you feel is right but don't make rash decisions think before you speak or act. Play out ALL the possibilities in your mind before you do anything. If my husband wouldn't even share a bed with me I'd be gone very quickly but I am the type of person who needs a lot of touching.
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Yes! I do too! I don't understand why he doesn't sleep w/ me, when he tells me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me?
This other person is very considerate, and very supportive. So do I just leave then? I know if I tell him, he will just try and get me to stay, and then I will be feeling this same way in three months? = |
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Don't leave and don't tell him. yet. think about it first.
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I keep flip flopping back and forth, I hate feeling like this.
You are right. I need to think some more. Sonia, you have helped me a great deal, thank you very much. = |
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forget what everyone else says. If you want to leave, leave.
start your own life. you learned a lot during this time. incorporate it. good luck and God Bless = |
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i dont want to be married anymore as well
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Love changes with years just like we all do because life experiences change you but it is important to feel like you are always wanted besides needed and the best way to show that is through always communicating through the years and feeling close.Respect and friendship have to stay in a marriage and just like a relationship with our children (although of course very different) it transforms as life changes them and us but thatt feeling of "closeness" never dies when a realtionship is healthy.Some marriages just get lost because one of the two (or even worse both) just are bored and did not give the daily attention the partner and the couple needs to survive.They both start going separate ways.Soon enough you loose track and get disinterested or annoyed with your partner and of course you start looking around and may find another person who gives you attention.Well my first advice is to make sure your marriage is ended and that you are at the point of no return.Take to him and tell him how you feel and if he wants to save the marriage you both have to work on it.If he doesn't want to do it or if you try and do not succeed, face the failure together and both admit it is doomed.Then try being on your own.Somehow going straight from one relationship to another can be drastic, but if you realy feel strongly about this other person you met well, date him and discover if he is really what you need and if this relationship will work,,,no one really knows what can happen, we can only hope and work hard for it but again it takes two to tango so even your new partner will have to work hard to keep the relationship alove and healthy, fun, loving and lasting! Love seems to all be good in the beginning.The hard work starts afterb years.Take it from me, I've been married 25 years have two kids and now i see my marriage has ended but my husband does not want to admit this is true, even though it is 4 months we don't sleep together and 5 years we don't kiss....the Magic is gone but for the kids sake wejust kept plugging on.Good luck to all and just be sure of what you are doing,,,,reflect!!
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Sounds like you already know exactly what you want,your just waiting for someone to tell you to make it final.Think long and hard before you break the news to your husband though. Can you make it financially without him? Will you later look back and see this as a big mistake?Maybe you'll be more unhappy without him? Have you told him your not,(feeling it) anymore? Maybe you should. Maybe that's what it will take to get your marriage back on track. You need to be completely honest with him. If you love him at all,you need to put forth some effort.
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Hi Stephanie,
I dont think there is ANYTHING wrong with you. The heart wants what the heart wants. Knowing this doesnt make it any less sad, but you cant make yourself stay in love with him, no matter how 'nice' he is. And please dont think that you are the only one feeling it - he knows it too. It's just easier for him to ignore it. In the long run you are better off being honest and making the painful move of leaving. He deserves someone who will truly love him, and you do also. Marriage is not supposed to be a penance - it is supposed to add value to both your lives - and it clearly isnt if you've felt like this for so long. I feel for you I really do, but know that in the long run you'll be much happier and your life more productive if you go. And know, above anything else that - YOU ARENT DOING ANYTHING WRONG. Good luck Stephanie - not that you'll need it, just a bit of confidence and self-belief that you are doing the right thing for both of you. Amber = |
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I would be a little concerned about him not sleeping in your bed. Just because you take up too much room doesn't sound like a very good excuse. Plus, if he runs and fishes all the time, my question would be is he actually fishing? Please understand, I'm not trying to offend you but if my husband wouldn't sleep with me, I would definitely question it. Sure, he says he loves you but as a husband, he should be willing to show it to you. I was under the impression that men usually have to beg for affection from the woman. From what it sounds your husband isn't look for that from you. Perhaps he is seeking it somewhere else? Not only that but maybe he's too afraid to admit it and is hoping that you will seek it somewhere else which will let him off the hook of not being the bad guy. My ex stopped giving me affection too and always told me he loved me. Yet, he was all about himself and his errands and me time. He never like doing the things I wanted to do. I felt the same way you did, I just knew something wasn't right between us but I couldn't put my figure on it. I always thought he loved me. Although, after I filed for divorce friends told me he had being cheating on me during my marriage. He still slept in the same bed but the feeling of being together as one, just wasn't there. Also, he, too was on the computer all the time. One day, I discovered he was looking a personal ads of naked women looking for that perfect man. I was hurt by it. So, I kept track of his computer searches and discovered he was looking at more than he should have been. If he said he truly loved me, then I felt it should have been only me. This was just a thought and maybe you have already considered it.
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I know exactly how you feel. I struggle on a daily basis with the same issues, Its not like I dont care its just that I cannot see myself enjoying all the awesome things life has to offer with her. I want her to be happy. She deserves to be happy and I cannot do it because she is not my best friend. I do have a theory. First, think about the greatest adventure or experience you could every enjoy. The trip of a lifetime. Who do you see sharing that with? If it is not him, or in my case if it is not her, then its not fair to anyone, kids and all to continue.
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There has been some great advice here, "to work on your marriage", that "marriages have ups and downs", "get out while you can", and you know what? I agree with them all.
I am also very unhappy, and the only reason I am still here is because of children, you have no children, so I say get out and live the life you want to live. = |
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me and my husband went through the same thing i pretyy much fell out of love with him the way i see it is you only have one life you need to live your life to the fullest but from my experience the grass wasnt greener on the other side but im still happy me and my husband are not together now he lives 6 hrs away and we are best friendsgod if we could have gotton along like that when we were together then our marraige would have lasted
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Maisy, I hope you are not still there making yours and your husbands lives miserable only for the children. Please get back to me if it is still this way. I have some advice you might like.
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BrookeW - Excuse me????? I am not making anyones lives a misery!!!
Stephanie, run away!!!!!!! = |
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NO Maisy, I really didn't mean it like that. I was going more towards the point, that I know what you are going through. That's all, I didn't mean for it to sound mean or rude. Sorry if you took it that way.
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BrookeW - Apology accepted, miscommunication.
I just wanted to say, NOT TO STAY in a relationship that really has dried up. You cannot keep pretending to love someone, let alone like them, I know. I am still married, but my husband and I do have a few good times, very few. Mostly everyday for the last 14 years, I have questioned why I did this, got married, and then why am I still here? The children are not stupid and witness many an argument, (isn't how I wanted to rear children), but I hope they see when we both try to make the effort too. Hoping they are still oblivious to our under the table remarks to each other. Sure you have to work at it, but there has to be some happy feelings inside too, make your decision and stick to it. = |
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Well, My S2B hubby was in a marriage for about 9 years. He had three kids with his wife, but was never truely happy. It's not easy starting your entire life over. But he took the chance and thanks god every day. He didn't know it was possible to be this happy. When it started affecting the kids, he knew he had to get out. Shit happens, feelings change, Love ends. But you have to move on. You can't live every day, day by day and hoping that today you'll maybe smile. How many kids do you have and what are their ages?
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Stephanie,
I suggest a marriage counselor. There are some who work on a sliding scale if money is an issue. I would do this before any more damage is done to the relationship. Since you indicate that your husband has some empathy for your feelings ("why so blue"), he might be willing to go. Without some outside help or a willingness to spend a lot of time doing empathetic listening with each other, I think this marriage is doomed. = |
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Like the old saying "there's more fish in the sea" LOL No sense staying with someone you are misrable with, life is to short. Do you have children? I would not tell anyone to stay in a marraige with someone whom you do not love. You only get one life, so live it well and happy. Sounds like it's time to go. My son is a country recording artist. His first single is called "Put your name on the list lady". This is very empowering for all women that have put others in their lives first and found themselves back on the shelf because they are to busy doing for others. I would say GO FOR IT and start your new happy life.
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I don't want to be married anymore either. I relate to you 100%. I have 2 young children. He is a wonderful father and person. He does not abuse, etc. I am no longer attracted. I feel like he is a friend, not a husband. To make it worse, I don't want to work on it, I am done. It has taken me almost 3 years to decide this. I have taken it a step further and asked him to move out. He won't.
I am not sure where to go from here. I want to make this as friendly as possible. I want to remain friends for the sake of the children. I want him in their lives. I want him to move out. Now that I have finally asked him to move, everyday is horrible. He is constantly hurt, I am constantly trying to move ahead which I can't while he is there all the time. He follows me around the house, calls me repeatily at work, on IM. Questions all my phone calls, emails etc. He is smothering me. I have told him that. He still won't move. It looks like I am going to have to move the children and myself together or serve him with legal separation papers to make my point. I was trying to remain married until he finished school since I support him financially and with medical benefits, but if he refuses to leave, i am going to have to do something sooner. I feel terrible. But I relate. = |
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KdK,
Y do you want a divorce if he is such a good father and great person? Why do you see him as more of a freind than a husband? you say no longer attracted to him, did he put one weight? is he not loving you Intimately? why divorce? it sounds like you have someone who is hard working, setting himself up to be the provider, and wants to keep is marriage, where did he go wrong? = |
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Hi LJ1, you ask a good question. I have asked myself the same a million times. He is very needy and insecure. I find this very draining. Over the years, I have accomodated him, which in hindsight was probably wrong. I have lost myself completly in this marriage and over the past year as I have tried to express who I am things haven't gone very well. The things I have done is start listening to music I liked before we got married, I have started learning another language and started meeting friends off and on. He hasn't reacted to this very well.
The main 2 issues I have with him is that due to his insecure, needy nature, I am so smothered I can't stand it anymore. The other is from the financial aspect. He has very expensive tastes, cars, trucks, houses, 'toys'. He has this incredible need to keep up with the Jones if you will that I just plain can't afford anymore. I have financially supported him through out our marriage as I have a very good career. I also don't like what that is teaching the children. I realized a couple years ago, I couldn't imagine retirement with him. I realized that once the children are old enough to move out, my marriage would be over. I don't want to wait until then. = |
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KDK,
I am finding my self in this very same state. I too have been supporting my husband and stepson for the last few years along with my own daughter and and am done! I feel like friends or siblings not husband and wife. I no longer want to be married. But how do I come out and say it? How was your day, I want a divorce? I dont think that will go over well. I'm afraid of his frame of mind afterward. Plus he has no where to go if he leaves. So I feel stuck. = |
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csi,
I didn't think anyone else felt like this. I feel like such a misfit. The idea someone else out there feels the same makes me feel so much better. I had been thinking about how to do it for a very long time. I had decided to wait until he finished school but a very silly thing happened. We went to a birthday party with a group of friends we have known for sometime. After the party on the way home, he started freaking out about how I talked to so and so too much or smiled at someone else the wrong way etc etc. I decided that I had had enough. I wrote him a letter on the PC, told him I needed to get all my thoughts out and had him read it as a starting point. Kind of sad I know, but I sat there while he read it, I didn't send an email or anything like that. Since then, life hasn't been good. Go figure. I about broke down just today, he is smothering me so badly. He wants this marriage, which makes me feel extra bad because many women would love his kind of devotion. I hate how this has turned out but I can't do it anymore. He follows me around the house and begs me to work on it. He IMs me at work for hours, he says this is out of the blue. I feel terrible but I am so done. I have told him that. He doesn't want to move out until AUGUST. I don't think I can make it. Why August, that is the time his schooling is complete. I don't think i can wait that long. I am going absolutely crazy. I am trying to do this as friendly as possible. I don't hate him. I just don't love him as a husband and don't want to do this anymore. Its not a nice feeling for me but I am 100% sure. = |
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csi,
Sorry I got off on a tangent. I asked him for a seperation, not an outright divorce. I want the divorce but was hoping he would take the seperation then I could divorce him once I got him out. I will have to refinance the house so that I can afford an apartment for him until he completes school. I feel like I am the 'man' in this situation and he is the 'woman' . I am tired of taking care of him. I think with the role reversal if you will, and the constent need for me to take care of him killed everything. Since I have asked him to move out, he has gone double time into whining, begging, and guilting me to the best of his abiliity. = |
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kdk,
Why does this have to be so hard? I hate confrontations, always have and the fact that we have never fought or really argued makes this so much worse. I hve felt this way for a long while but I know hw will think it is out of the blue and that there is someone else. There really isnt. I just want my life to be mine. I dont want it to be his anymore. Everything I do seems to be for him. We get one life(two if we're lucky :) ) and I need to start living it for me. I have my daughter to think of also. They dont get along and that is hard I feel like I must choose sides. He knows something is up I can tell. I still love him but am not in love with him. People change and not always together. I just need the courage to tell him. It's not fair to him. Not everyone is made to stay with one person forever, I just wish I knew up front. = |
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csi,
I understand completely. I had hoped he would leave me so i didn't have to 'be the bad guy'. Its been about 6 weeks now, there are up days and down days. We are trying our best to keep it friendly for the children. He is terribly upset and is entitled to that. I feel good about my decision. I just want to start moving forward. Best of luck to you, I will post back and let you know how things progress. = |
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To csi & kdk---I've read through your posts and can tell ya I've gone through the same experiences you both are going through. It's hard to get through but when you feel like your dying inside from being in a relationship that does absolutely nothing for your self-esteem is when you have to make a serious decision of your next step. I truly felt that if I continued with my marriage, I was becoming such a witch (lack of a better word) to my own family members. Yet, when I was away from my husband, I could completely relax and enjoy myself around family and friends. In the beginning, it was all mental mind games but towards the end it became physcial. That's when I realized that it wasn't a very good environment for my children. Thinking about divorce is one thing but actually doing it was another. I had so many emotions running through me that somedays it was hard to stay focused on the basics of life.
To kdk--Your not a misfit, your only human with feelings. Plus don't think that it's all your fault that the relationship went sour because it does take two of ya's. What your feeling--I've been there. This time will pass but it's going to take some time to heal all wounds. If your seriously thinking about taking the step to leave, you need to get things in order before you do. I'm saying things like your personal possessions that where yours before you married him out of the house. Slowly move the things that are most dear to you out. You need to get some finances in order as well. You want to have a plan on what your going to do before you leave. Plan on what your going to do about the household items, pictures, photo albums, knick knacks, etc... Granted you can always replace those things but will it be easy for you too? You have to prepare yourself for the worst things to happen. You husband my be nice to you know but if you do file for a divorce, he could turn into a complete pain in the butt. Only because you hurt him for leaving and he will want to punish you for it. He will use anything possible to get at you. Now, if you are the bread winner, he might get angry because your taking away he financial support, his material things he loves so much. All I'm saying is you need to get things in major order before you take that step. It will save you a lot of headaches in the long run because divorces can become ugly. Trust me, I know!! csi---I, too, gave my husband a heads up that I wanted out of our relationship. He, too, followed me around like a puppy dog begging for me to change my mind and tried to be as nice as possible. However, that all changed about a month later. His true colors came back out--a wolf in sheeps clothing. He wasn't going to consider changing, he only thought of himself. Because, we had three children, he never expect me to walk out. It wasn't until after the divorce that I found out abou his lying and manipulating personality. There were red flags flying in my face but when I was married to him, I didn't actually pay attention to them. He drained every ounce of energy I had inside of me to keep going day to day. For me, leaving him was the best thing I have ever done. I no longer have to live in fear under his thumb. You have reached a point in your relationship that has lost it's luster. Several things have happened for you to feel this way. Take a step back and examine your relationship to see where things went wrong. If you find those things and know there is absolutely no way to repair them, then you know in your heart, this isn't right. I didn't like the person I was when I was married. My kids didn't like that person either. I had to fix me and if it ment to leave him......well, I did. I tried to keep things on civil terms with him but he wouldn't have it. He would always attempt to start or accuse me of doing something wrong. I became and always have been the blame for all his problems. He professes he never did any wrong and still does to this day. He went to every single person I've known including my own family members to get them to take his side. I'll tell ya, the whole lot took his side. No one was willing to listen to me. I found out, who were my friends.....no one. My own family has turned their backs on me all because my ex has painted a terrible picture of me. Yet, in my heart, I knew I did nothing wrong and if those people couldn't see the real me, then they didn't need to be a part of my life. I'm not saying that these kinds of things are going to happen to either of you but they are things to be thinking about. You can be strong enough to overcome these things. I don't know if anything I have said has helped but I certainly have been through it and know just how you feel. I wish you both the best and hope things will get better for you. Take care, keep me posted or just to vent. = |
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tweetybird4,
Thank you so much. I am feeling good about my decision, not that it makes it easy. Where you said, 'He drained every ounce of energy I had inside of me to keep going day to day.' That is exactly how I have been feeling. I started trying to get myself back to 'fix me' about a year ago and he doesn't like that so he has to go. It really comes down to that because I am a better mother and person when he isn't around. Thank you again, it was nice to read your post. csi, I hope things are well with you. = |
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I know exactly how you feel. Six years married and all we do is disagree. I just want to come home from work and spend time with my kids and not have to argue. I don't want to be married either.
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Let me guess; you still love him, but you are not in love with him. If so, I know exactly how you feel. I felt the same way with my ex. Please don't misunderstand me just because I divorced my ex does not mean that you have to do the same, but it is important that you understand that if you really want your marriage to work your gonna need constancy, and work every day of your lives. I and my ex gave up on my marriage and my kids suffered from my and their dad's laziness.
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stephaniie i say what really makes you happy.same thing has happen to me but of course im the guy . except im the affectionate one.nothing ever came back my way . have to tell you that she left an we have two great kids . im on my oun with them an i guess it really not that bad. people on this thing let me know that its keep the kids happy then your self . your young enough there is love out there somewhere the kind you want an need.guess im in that same boat keep you head up an make you happy for once . should practice what i preach huh.
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To say "I don't know what I want" in my opinion is a cop out for saying, I'm done and I don't want to hurt your feelings and tell you this, or, I'm not sure I can make it on my own and I'm scared... Been there, done it a couple of times.
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How are you doing? Mine is a long long story. Currently we have been living in seperate houses for the last year. We have 2 kids (11 & 6 years old). He was the only man I have ever wanted to marry. I didn't think I ever would marry. Now after 7 years I don't know that I want to be. I also feel that if I don't stay married to him would I ever be to anyone. We are wonderful friends and we are good with the boys. But I don't want to be intimate with him anymore. I feel guilty feeling these things. I don't know who to talk to and I need to talk. Am I a horrible person for giving up or not wanting to be married anymore?
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I can totally relate to where you are coming from! I have been married for only 2 years, and I love my husband, but we have NOTHING in common either. I really think that he loves our son more than he does me - he is a great dad (our son is 15 months), but when it comes to me we dont communicate, we have nothing in common, I have to literally beg him to take me to play golf with him just so we can spend time together, and even then I dont always get asked to go. I recently lost my job and ever since (even though it has only been 2 weeks and I have been actively looking for a job ever since) he just seems to think that I am beneth him now. He was like that after I had my son, I was a stay at home mom for 10 months and I just could not take it anymore because he (my husband) did not see what I did all day as any contribution at all....I could scream....I have told him (back in January) about this and he said that he wanted to work things out and for a month or two things were ok, but now they are right back to where they were before. Any Advice?
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oh my goodness i can not believe that their is someone else that is having the same thoughts that i am . i have been married for 13 years today 8/2/07 and i cant stand to be married any more but i am scared of the thought to be unmarried to him. i guess that i have been with someone for do long that it just grows on you. i have the same feelings but it is me that does not sleep in the bed. i am trying to determine if i really want to stay or if i am ready to get my apartment. i have been looking at places but i am scared of he thought of being on my own with the kids. i love my kids with all my heart and i would never do anything to hurt my kids but what about my happiness?
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Stephanie I think maybe you should lay down the law and let him know how you truly feel. From my past experience in this specific situation, communication is a pretty big factor.
Just my 2 cents..I think you should let him know how you really feel. If you feel the spark isnt really there, but you still do care for him, maybe some marriage counseling might help. If the spark is not there and you completely lose your feelings for him, then you have to decide for yourself whether it's worth even fighting for. Watch out for yourself and do what feels best for you in the longrun.. = |
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a marriage is a relationship that brings in a lot of baggage, once you have children, you need to start opening the bags and be concious of each other
Try reading "Finding the love you need" Harville Hendricks Good luck = |
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I had answered without reading all the other replies. I have never heard so many valueless comments. I don't know what love is, but caring for someone is very important. We are all about relationships and making them work is our job, its challenging and an opportunity to grow. It takes a lot to overcome the fear of deep communication, but it is rewarding. Someone has to start the connection, not talk to a bunch of online chatters.
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I am having the same situation as KDK. I have told him it's over and wanted it to be amicable as we have a 8 year old son together. He has told me that he won't leave our house and is also using every guilt ridden comment he can like suicide threats, saying to me "don't you love your son enough to try"
I tried to move out but he even guilted our 8 year old who didn't want to come with me because his dad would be sad. and then i got a barrage of msg's telling me that my son was crying because he misses me. I have attempted to break up several times before and always the guilt trip works and i end up saying, and like others that have written here, a few months later it goes back to the same old. we have been together for 11 years and i feel emotionally drained. I am so glad to know that i am not alone in feeling like this. it's the hardest thing to break it off with someone you do care about, even though at the time they may think and say that you must hate them to treat them like this. I have just thought i need to make sure i am happy because you only get one life, and you don't want to look back when you are old and say gee why didn't i follow my heart. Stephanie, deep down you will know what you want to do, don't let other peoples opinions get in the way of your happiness, you only live once. = |
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I completely understand how you feel. I have been married for 16 years with two children. He is a great father and husband but I am feeling completely unhappy and have been for years. I have expressed my feelings but they are never validated or heard and now I have decided that if you want to work on this marriage - then you need to hear me and make an effort or I am done - the sad thing is I am more close to done and am not sure if I can put a genuine effort in making it work.
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I think you should try to work things out . maybe marriage counseling or something. If things don't work then when you can walk away and say you tried evrything. You wont have the what if? to think about
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my husband is mentally abusive and i dont want to be married anymore
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I dont love my husband anymore ....i want out
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My husband who I dont want to be married to dosen't want a divorce. We have been separated for 8 years and he has several girlfriends and drinks a lot now. What should I do
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my advice is counseling or divorce. it sounds like you would make excellent frends, just bad lovers. My soon to be X-husband and I would make perfect friends, he was my best friend for many years. I was in love with the way he loved me, but, like you, we had nothing in common. He is a homebody and I want to go out and enjoy life. He doesn't talk to me aside from things pertaining to our 2 year old, he is still hurt over the seperation. I feel bad, I miss the security of the marriage, and the finances were MUCH easier together.... alone it is hard and scary, but I couldn't live watching my grandparents have more fun and enjoying life more than me.
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Julien Henley, Manager at Bernard K. Passman Galleries on 5195 Dronningens Gade Ste. #2 on St. Thomas will do that to you.
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I think you both should see a therapist if you still love each other,suggest this to him and get a good therapist.If he is a against this ,then move on with your life,if there are no children that makes it alot easier.Life is to short,and that is noway to live.
Mary = |
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OH MY GOD
I don't BELIEVE what I'm reading here.... OK, consider for a moment the simple platitude... "if the grass is greener on the other side, it's time to water your lawn" Marriage is (or at least was, at one time) a sacred union. It's for better or worse, richer or poorer, till death do you part, right? Nowhere in any vows that I've heard is it "...until something better comes along, or until I change my mind..." While the feelings many of you have described are totally normal, the conclusion some have drawn from them is totally immature, irrresponsible and self-serving. It's a sad comment on the state of marriage in this country that you can get out of a supposed life-long union better than you can a mortgage, business contract or car loan. For anyone interested in another way at looking at this, go to marriagebuilders.com and look in the discussion forums, specifically in the infidelity section. You'll find many betrayed spouses who's waywards have said EXACTLY the kinds of things being spouted here. OK, your spouse is a great husband, father, isn't abusive, loves you, etc., yet you are already feeding on the attention of someone else??? The problem is in YOU, not your spouse. I recommend you begin counseling and look into your OWN issues first. Having an affair - and that's what you're REALLY talking about - will almost surely lead to incredible pain and hurt for your husband, children and both families. And what, again, is the reason? Oh yeah, you don't "WANT" to be married anymore... PLEASE go the mentioned site and get some perspective on how to BUILD a marriage, not destroy it... = |
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i don't think you can make yourself love someone, you either love them or you don't. I think when it comes down to it you need to make youeself happy, and if being married to this man isn't doing it anymore you should get out. it may hurt both of you for a while, but i really think in the end you will both be happier.
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Brit, don't U believe in the union of marriage? You player!
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Do you have children?
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Stephanie, I think every marriage goes through a rut. You all need to find a way to spend more quality time together. Do something that both of you enjoy. Let him know how it makes you feel that he sleeps on the couch. You need to commmunicate more. He may think that you are happy and everything is fine if you do not say anything.
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Hi,
If you have children I would suggest to try to work it out, life is not any easier out in the world on your own with children, and they would suffer the most. I am a single dad that just recently went through that and now I regret not doing more when I had the time. Again if you don't think it's possible then you have to do what you have to do. I wish you luck. P,S. Most couples go through this, some make it, some don't. JC = |
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I haven't been married for nearly as long, but feel similarly to you. we have a child, and have lots of things in common, but spend most of our time "at odds". I'm as stuck as you - but maybe you can take comfort in the fact that you're not alone.
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stephanie my ? to you is, there someone else who is catching your eye or should i say or is your eyes looking somewhere else becuz what i've learned is . when a women is not getting their attention from there husband then perhaps you are getting attention somewhere else. im not saying its bad, it just happens
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Hope10, that is so true. Many of us women forsake our husbands because some guy on the out side is looking at us, tell we what we want to hear or giving is attention. At the end of the day, however, the grass is not greener as these guys just for the most part want one thing and one thing only. Women must learn to remain committed and stop the excuses and placing blame on men when they want to play out there.
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Tweetybird4 yr post was like reading a descriptio of my own life. I have been married 8 yrs. Was only 20 when I got married. He is a great father and everybody thinks he is such a great guy/husband, but he has a temper and has these strange outbursts every once in a awile that no one knows about. We have two young boys. I am completely miserable. I don't know what to do. I don't even know how to attempt to leave. He won't leave, that's for sure. He is insanely jealous and wants me to be with him all the time.
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Tweetybird, are U really that? I would like to ask U where do you expect your husband to go dear? If U all are married please work on the union frist before cheating. I hate it when we women blame men all of a sudden saying how bad they are only to advance our agenda. Stop bashing men and take responsibilty for your action because you know that you have some share of the blame, if not all. BTW, are U from....? Do U ....?
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I have been contemplating divorce in my head and even outloud for the past 2 years. Although within the past 6 months, it's the only thought in my head. We've been married for almost 8 years and have 2 kids. He's so into himself which is so boring!!! He goes from the tv to the internet back to the tv back to the internet. Plus, my kids get NO ATTENTION from him either. He is verbally abusive to the point of shocking, back stabbing words that cut right through my soul and he even makes fun of our kids right to their face. A classic is (you're not my son, you can't be). If he would just be a better dad and a nicer husband who gives me and our kids more attention then I probably wouldn't have these feelings. He's also hit me before too. Not lately though. I just don't know what to do. I don't have a great career or any good skills since I had my son at 19 and was married at 20. I've never felt so helpless in my life. Any advice?
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My advice is seek help and stop blaming men and your husband for your cheating habits. Wake up.
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My husband of almost 3 years (been together for 9) told me 2 days after thanksgiving, he doesnt know if he wants to be married anymore. I thought we were trying to have kids, but I guess not, instead he wants to leave. I thought we had a great marriage until now. He wants me to just give him time to figure it out and tells me if 50/50 if it will work. Went to a counselor, but I felt she was pushing us to divorce. I think he is messing around with a co-worker, but he says they are just friends. How can I just be patient and wait and see? My heart is broken. I just wish he was honest with me about what is really going on. Affair or mid-life crisis? He is 30 and I am 28.
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Meg it works both ways - so U be honest with your husband too.
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Mary -
I have been honest, I put it all out on the table for him and he looked at me and was silent, then repeated the "I just don't know what I want line" When I tell him I honestly think he is cheating he gets angry and then is silent which just makes me think it is true even more. Help! = |
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Meg, that does not mean that he is cheating dear. Is it not possible that you have your eyes on someone else? I am not being hard on you but I know women - because I am one and we cheat like hell and then pass blames on our husband to justify our ill-will.
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Meg, I also understand how you feel. Betrayal and lack of honesty hurt. My view is that as long as one deals fairly and honestly with others, if others choose to be deceptive, the Almighty will reward them according to their deeds. Let's hope you find what you are looking for. Double-minded people are a danger to themself. Hope that you are not cheating is the main thing. Keep that thing for the one U marry dear.
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Mary-
I find it odd that I post my feelings about my husband and not just you, but others think right away that I am cheating in some way too....I have not nor have I ever been tempted. I was blind sighted by this. Like I said I was trying to have a family with this man and this all came about. I resent the fact that I turn to this site for some comfort and advice and all I got were people thinking I was cheating too. I am not absolving myself of blame b/c I know that something in my behavior or personality must have changed, I am just looking for my husband to give me some honest feelings about the situtation. And was looking for some insight to what might be happening from people who may have been thru this. = |
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Meg the truth often hurts - isn't it? If you really wish to make your marriage work then seek God - go to church, pray and get professional help. Sadly, we can not help on this site. In fact for the most part, many of us can only lead U more into destroying your union. Think about it.
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Mary-
I do go to church, every week and do pray daily. I believe that marriage is forever and it needs to be worked out. I guess I came to the wrong site for some advice on making it work and how to get through it. I guess I am alone in this from what you say.... = |
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Meg, you are not alone in this and as U said U came here for advice - so why get offended when you get it? I've been down that road and know what you are talking about but the fact is I also know, that I was at fault because I cheated and was in love with high school sweetheart and did not let go off it even when I got married. For the most part., that was the root cause for our marriage coming apart because I was looking esle where and not paying attention to a guy who truly loved me - my husband and now its too late. The bottom line is, divorce is not the answer dear as in God's site we would prefer we work things out. Therefore if U are cheating ( and I am niot saying you are) then U need to stop or put an end to that relationship frist before working on yours with your husband. I've been there - I know. The guy I allowed to break up my marriage is a bigger player and I regret leaving my husband and not paying attention to him. Do U want to be in that boat too?
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I am completely in the same boat! My husband was one of my best friends after my divorce. He has always been very supportive and a great friend and after a year of our friendship, we just thought, "why aren't we dating?" So, we started dating and it was really great; however, I never really had the sexual attraction (you know...the kind that when you first meet someone, the sparks just fly and you can't get enough of each other?). I always looked at him as a friend and now we're married for four years and just bought a house and I've come to realize that while I love him dearly, I'm lacking this sexual attraction for him (it's not his fault)....I've recently realized that it was just never there in the first place and I just thought that maybe, in time, it would just sort of morph into a sexual attraction but it hasn't. I was always attracted to him as a person and respected his morals and values, he's a decent guy and a good provider and has always treated me with nothing but respect. So, why do I feel the need to be alone? For the past 3 1/2 to 4 years, I've had issues with sex (and I've had this issue before but it was with my ex-husband who cheated on me) so I always thought it was me; but I'm starting to think that it was because it was never there in the first place. So, now I feel that I am cheating him and myself out of a really great sexual relationship that we deserve. We do a lot separately and I'm the type of person who likes her space and he gives it to me, reluctantly, I believe in fear that I might just take it. Don't get me wrong....we do things together as well, but I'm not exactly excited about spending one on one time with him anymore since I've had this epiphany. I've been dealing with these questions for about 6 months now and thought that I could get over it but it's just getting worse and with just buying this house, it makes it all that much harder. We don't have any children together so that's not a problem; however, I do have a child from my previous marriage that has been a source of constant conflict with regard to parenting styles. I'm not opposed to someone disciplining my child as long as they also show equal amounts of love and affection; which, in my opinion, he does not. He doesn't just take the lead and spend time with her and that bothers me. And anytime I try to handle a situation with my child, he steps in and takes over and I feel that it undermines my authority with her. I've expressed this to him but he doesn't agree. I just feel that we owe it to ourselves the chance to be truly happy but I think that he's perfectly okay with how things are going.....or maybe he's not....maybe he senses that I'm not happy but he just doesn't want it to be said outloud. He's always very affectionate and I'm not, he's always the initiator for sex and I'm not, he always asks me if I love him and I do (honestly, I do) but I just don't feel what I think I should feel for someone that I'm married to. I left my previous marriage because he cheated on me and I don't want this to get to that point, where I'm seeking out someone else for what I feel that I'm lacking. I don't want to hurt him and ultimately, I would like to remain friends since we started out that way but I fear that won't happen. The house is also a barrier to my talking to him. We haven't even been there a year! I am the type of person who's completely okay with being alone. There's no one else that I want to be with.....except my daughter. I feel horrible about how I feel and don't know how to approach it with him. It's just going to hurt him and I never thought it would come to this. I thought that being "friends first" was the way to go, because let's face it, sex fades over the years but a true friendship would always be a constant and now I feel that the friendship is fading as well, at least on my end. He's been getting jealous if other guys pay attention to me; which isn't my fault. He seems jealous of my time with my daughter, which I told him in the beginning would never change. She is THE MOST important thing in my life and anyone I dated or married would have to accpept that and he seemed to be okay with that at the time. I just feel that I'm wasting both of our precious time with this relationship. He deserves to be happy, he's a great guy, he doesn't deserve what I'm sure he's going through as well. All I know is that life is just too short to waste it. I'm so depressed about it all.......Please help!
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I don't want to either
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I don't want to be married anymore. I have been married for 8 months and we are both in school. She is always making excuses not to have sex. Saying that she isn't confortabal with her body or saying she is tired. She is bossy and I really am falling out of lve every single day of my life.
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if you do not want to be amrried, then get out of this marriage
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I understand what you are going through. I feel like I am going through the same situation right now, although my circumstances are a little different. I WAS married & are in the middle of a divorce. My ex was very abusive, but we have been separted for almost 2 years. When I first broke away from my ex, I met a man that I am now deeply in love with and became engaged with him. We even had a child together who is now 9 months old. My divorce has been a long waiting, but the plan was for us to be remarried as soon as the divorce was finalized.
I still plan on marrying this man and love him dearly. He does not lie, cheat, or abuse me in any way. However, I feel like I do not get the attention or the affection that I desire from him anymore. I have told him about the way I feel repeatedly, and in conclusion, he will be closer to me for a day or so, and then things go back to normal again. We rarely have sex more then once or twice a month. But, I love him & I know he loves me, so I am going to stick by him and try to work through this. With your situation you have to weight it out. Do you love him, does he love you? If nothing changes with his actions and things remain as is, is this still the man you want to spend the rest of your life with? Do want to fix the marriage more or step out of it more? Only you can look inside you and make the ultimate decision. You aren't a bad person for not being attracted to him neither. You have been with him along time and you and your views probably have changed alot in that time. Marriage is hard, but you only have to live with him everyday. Look in your heart, and decide, and see if you can picture your life without him. I wish you the best. = |
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wow!! i jus cant believe how much i can relate to so many of you who have commented here. i am soooo in the same boat as many of you. ive been married for going on 14 yrs now and have felt that i have so lost who was b4 i got married. i was always an outgoing easygoing kind of person who was just always happy. ever since being married and 6 kids later i am now the most insecure, angry and jus always depressed kind of a person now. my husband has hurt me in all kinds of ways for eg, for about 8 yrs of our marriage hes thought it in my best interest to be truthful in a sense of telling me how he feels towards other women including my own in-laws, cousins and neices. hes also jus been the biggest liar when ive found porn round the house, sites he has visited on the computer. he tends to believe because he works he doesnt have to help with bringing up 6 kids. oh well i can go on and on but my point is i am not happy and jus cant remember the last time i ever was. our sex life absolutely sux, hes always jus falling asleep either in the lounge room or on the floor in my kids rooms or on the computer. i jus dont what to make of such a life that he gives. i have brought to his attention many times how unhappy i am and all he has to give in regards to that is that he is sick of hearing all the rubbish i speak. it makes me feel like absolutely crap cause all i speak to him is in regards to how i feel and have felt for majority time of our marriage. i have told him on many occasions that i if he isnt willing to help make an effort to make our marriage and family work that its best that we end it and jus move on with our lives cause i believe everyone deserves to be happy. like some of you he begs his way out of it and brings up the kids and how they are going to be affected but yet the following day will jus be the same as every other crap day or he will make an effort for the most of a week then jus bak to the same old. i jus think who is he to bring up how it is going to affect the kids when he doesnt put any effort into the kids in the first place. my oldest child has started high school and often states to me that we should jus leave him cause all he ever states is jus lies. now i am thinking what is it exactly that i am suppose to do. i feel absolutely drained in all aspects and jus want peace, happiness and relief from such a life. but the thoughts of marriage is suppose to be for better or worse are always weighing me down. although in my life it feels like most of what i have lived is jus the worse side of it all. he tells me all the time that he loves me but thats about it in respects of love, he believes that because he works and states he loves me everyday that i should be grateful cause there are many women out there that dont get that. he rekons i am a nagging wife cause i am always consulting him for solutions to our marriage. all he does is go to work every day, gets home in the afternoon either sits on the computer or watches movie after movie, then has his dinner bak to movies or comp and then sleeps and thats what life is everyday. we barely talk apart from when i am begging him for change and whenever i do everything jus gets out of hand. any suggestions as to where i should go from here. he totally refuses to leave and says he believed marriage to be forever. well guess what so did i but it shouldnt have to be in the way that it is. what do u guys think
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Everyone needs to be happy. I guess we have to be honest and realize when we are not. I to have a similar problem, and I don't know how to handle it.
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