| Name: mahmoud | Date: Feb 5th, 2008 5:12 AM |
| Name: mahmoud | Date: Feb 5th, 2008 5:15 AM |
any body there iam iranian
i want to marry is there some one ↑ |
| Name: caucajun32 | Date: Feb 5th, 2008 7:36 PM |
Well I can sympathize with your desire for a daughter, yet can see the logic behind your husbands choice, kids cost alot of money to raise.
If your were pregnant and wanted an abortion, there wouldn't be anything at all that your husband could od to stop the abortion, it's your body.
In turn it's his body and his reproductive system that he desires to stay in control of. He has the right to end his ability to reproduce, even if he is married. He could have taken a week long vacation and went off somewhere while he was recuperating from the vasectomy and never told you a single word about it.
There is alot of information that we as the reading public aren't privy too. When dating or early in the marriage did you both discuss the number of children you both wanted ? If it was 2 children your there baby, emotional blackmail to make him have a child that he didn't plan on would be wrong.
You say that you always wanted a daughter, so you had expectations.
"Expectations are nothing more than premeditated resentments"
If you think a daughter or a new baby will fix you your wrong. Happiness is an inside job. ↑ |
| Name: My3Sons | Date: Feb 11th, 2008 8:49 PM |
| I have a similar problem. My husband of 6 years and I have 3 boys, ages 5, 3, and 18 mo. He had a vasectomy after our 3rd was born. We seriously regret the decision. Now I want another baby and I knew the vasectomy wasn't the right thing to do. He has promised me another baby if I let him do all these things that I didn't want to do, and buy a new house where I didn't want to go. Well, it's been a year and a half of him feeling my hopes up and we finally went to the consultation for the reversal. After we left, he said he doesn't want anymore kids and that I need to just "get over it". I feel like I've been lied to for 18 mo. and I'm crushed! I have cried every night and can't even be around pregnant women or babies. I have also had a change of feelings towards him. I am very resentful. I am just really confused and I can't imagine my life without the other child that he promised me for so long. ↑ |
| Name: Jewell | Date: Feb 15th, 2008 7:11 PM |
| No reply to anyone, but looking for advise. My husband & I just recently lost our 3rd child. I was 12 weeks along & we had gone in for a 2nd ultrasound. The first showed a heart beat, but the 2nd didn't. I was & am still devastated. He has a 14 yr old son (whom I have adopted) & we have a 8 yr old daughter. This pregnancy was unexpected & unplanned. We were nervous yet after it sank in we both were very excited & agreed that it was a blessing. I just turned 31 & he turned 42 with in days of finding out the news we were expecting. After the lose I immediately felt a huge need to get pregnant. He on the other hand doesn't. He says the baby we lost would have been a blessing, but I don't want to try to have one. He thinks I'm trying "replace" what we lost & I do feel a terrible void right now. I never realized I wanted another baby till I was told I was pregnant. We felt like we were "done" & that our kids were at a good age for us to start enjoying each other. We've been married 10 yrs this coming Sept & I love him dearly. He is a wonderful man, but this seems to be a wedge btw us right now. I guess I just hope someone has some good advise how I'm suppose to deal with this. I was taken off bc for one year bc of hormones & it was his responsibility to get "fixed", but he didn't want to & didn't want to use any form of protection. He'd say "if it happens it happens". I resent him for misleading me into thinking it he was ok with another baby. Now it seems he was just being lazy. Now he's ready to get "fixed" & I'm panicing! ↑ |
| Name: Kirsty | Date: Feb 16th, 2008 11:04 AM |
| Hi there, I also have 2 sons and have just found out I have another baby on the way, this was a total shock to us, as our 2 sons were both planned. After I had my first son my husband was against having any more children, but then came round to the idea as he didn't want our son to be an only child. After our second son was born my husband said he wanted a vasectomy to stop us having anymore children, this absolutely broke my heart. I as you have always longed for a girl, and this news really hurt me, I have always wanted a large family. Anyway, I managed to convince him otherwise. Now 2 years on and after taking the pill I find myself pregnant. My hubby was not happy but has come around now. he is now telling me that no matter what I say, do or feel he is having a vasectomy, evan if it ruins our marraige. I am so angry and hurt, who does he think he is to decide the fact that we cant have any more children without my input? Granted we will have 3 children and it will be hard, I know that, but I am only 25 and he is 28, and I think we are both too young to make that decision now. I understand totally how you are feeling, you are not being selfish at all, and I myself feel the same. If you ever want to talk my email address is [email protected] ↑ |
| Name: maria | Date: Feb 18th, 2008 5:56 AM |
| To Jewel: I really feel for you right now. I had a miscarriage between my 2nd and 3rd child and my desire to fall pregnant straight after was overwhelming. You put a lot of energy and thought into your soon to be child and when this unfairly ends there is a void that needs to be filled. Your husband must be hurting right now also and may be worried of getting hurt again thus the vasectomy. I think he needs to take more time to consider all the issues at hand, but this is not fully in your control. I understand your panic. Would your hasband agree to postponing the vasectomy while you are both still grieving? ↑ |
| Name: jewell | Date: Feb 18th, 2008 3:37 PM |
TO: MARIA
thanks for your reply my husband has decided to postpone the vasectomy for now. we saw my doc last week & he advised waiting 3 months before trying again. i guess that will buy him some time before we have to make a decision. unfortunately it's on my mind every day. freinds and family are dying to know what we are planning! i feel rushed to make a decision. my kids loved the idea of having another sibling especially our 8 yr old daughter. she was so upset & had so many questions that were hard to answer w/o confusing her more. my kids were so disappointed as were we i just want to give us all what we were looking forward to....but it may not happen & i'm worried how my husband & i will get thru this. i know gods in control i just have to let him work. ↑ |
| Name: maria | Date: Feb 18th, 2008 8:30 PM |
| To Jewell: It sounds like things could actually work out for you down the track, I just have a feeling about it. When I had my miscarriage I fell pregnant 4 months later which felt like forever. Patience is hard when you want something so much. Having faith is critical during these times even if it does waver. I too am hoping my husband will change his mind sometime in the future about having one more child. He would be happy to have a vasectomy but is waiting for me to be ready for it, which I feel will be never. I only hope that it doesn't damage our marriage. I wish you all the good luck in the future and hope you can find other positive things to occupy your mind while these things sort themselves out. Keep the faith. Dreams come true everyday. ↑ |
| Name: jnw23 | Date: Feb 23rd, 2008 4:35 AM |
| My husband and I are going through this same situation. We are 17 years apart in age but have a wonderful marriage together. We have 3 beautiful girls between the 2 of us. His only get to stay every other weekend and my daughter lives with us fulltime. I recently told him that I really would like to have just one more child (it would be the only one that we have together). I have always wanted to go through another pregnancy and give birth again, I know sounds insane but I truly love the experience and I love the joy of raisinf a child. The children we have right now are 7,8, and 9 in age. I know we kinda have our hands full but I truly believe that another child would be such a blessing, however my husband feels he is too old (44) and doesn' t want anymore children and is also considering having a vasectomy. I don't how to handle this. I feel that it's not fair, but I don't want to be selfish either. What does one do in this situation? How do you work through and move past the feelings that are their? ↑ |
| Name: Kelley | Date: Feb 26th, 2008 9:16 PM |
| I don't think your being selfish at all. I am in the same boat as you only difference is I don't have any children of my own but my husband has four boys. Only one lives with us. We have been together going on three years and he keeps putting me off. I feel that the men are the ones being selfish. A woman always dreams of one day birthing a little girl and I believe that we should get that. The only was I would think of the woman being selfish is if the family was not finacially able to afford another child. ↑ |
| Name: karen | Date: Feb 27th, 2008 4:07 AM |
| Honestly, yes you are being selfish. It is wrong to make someone commit to a child they do not want. It is a huge, huge commitment that shouldn't be done under protest. It could come back to bite you in years if resentment from him. ↑ |
| Name: jewell | Date: Feb 27th, 2008 2:03 PM |
To: Jnw23
Just read your post & my heart goes out to you. I hope things work out for the best. My husband & I haven't talked much about what we are going to do lately. I go back to the doctor in May & feel like I need to be making a decision by then, but we always end up stressed out or upset after I bring it up so I've refrained from doing that lately. I want him to change his mind & want another child, & he says if that's what i want we will do it, but he also really wants to have time for just us & I would like that too. I just don't want to make the wrong decision. I love children & mine are growing up so fast! I wish I could keep them young forever, but it's nice at times to we can go out & enjoy each other. OOOO I'm so overwhelmed with decisions. I'm thinking about you & hope to hear how things turn out for you. ↑ |
| Name: Maria | Date: Feb 28th, 2008 3:40 AM |
| I don't think anyone is selfish for wanting or not wanting a child. It all boils down to just two people wanting different things in life. My only hope is that time will change my husbands mind. ↑ |
| Name: belle10 | Date: Feb 29th, 2008 3:43 PM |
I can identify with you. My husband is also wanting to have a vasectomy. We have 2 children whom we both love, and I have always wanted 3. When we married he said he was open to 3 but now says he is not. Our disagreement causes a lot of stress and tension. We still are "discussing" it. But I've started asking myself why is it so important to me to have a 3rd child? My answers to this question have been very revealing to me.
Perhaps the first thing to ask is which is more important to you, maintaining a good relationship with your husband or trying for another child? Also it might be interesting to really get down to the core reasons of why you want to have a girl so badly? It's understandable that you would want to have a girl,especially considering the good relationship you have with your own mother. But could one of the deeper reasons why you so much want to have a girl is a fear that you'll be alone someday? Perhaps if you addressed the deeper reasons as to why you want a girl so badly and resolve those issues, it might help to resolve any fears you may have. You may find then that either you are content with the children you do have or you may find that your reasons for wanting a girl are completely healthy and perhaps with patience you can convince your husband.
I wish you the best for a strong marriage and a happy family. ↑ |
| Name: Mark | Date: Mar 6th, 2008 1:08 PM |
| My wife and I have been having problems since December of 2007. She came out the blue and told me she was no longer in love with me. Which hurt me so much since I have never cheated on her in our 12 years together. We have 2 daughters 6 and 3 which I have always dreamed about. I never cared for a 3rd child or a son. Recently we had sex in February and of course she got pregnant. Since we were really going at it the past few months she instantly said she wasn't keeping the baby. But here it is today is the appointment and she has changed her mind. I feel so resentful right now. I know that if I didn't want any more I should of used protection. I currently hate my life and what I have been dealt. She doesn't bring in any income and our finances are already stretched thin but she doesn't get the big picture. Thats Life right. All I can do now is go to the doctor have a vasectomy now and regardless who I end up with in life they will need to know that I am done having children. I didn't expect my life to be spent raising kids forever. ↑ |
| Name: V wants 3 | Date: Mar 13th, 2008 12:42 PM |
Overwhelmed
I am in a similar situation, I have 2 wonderful sons. Today I am going through all their baby clothes to give to charity but so so want a 3rd baby (i don't care boy or girl, i just want another little one) but my husband is totally against it. He won't discuss it, his response is just No. It's now got to the point where he refuses to sleep with me (several years now) as I'm sure he thinks I will "have an accident". I totally sympathise with you but I really don't know.
How can you compromise? There isn't a compromise. If you have the baby he's resent you, if you don't you'll resent him. I'm 40 next year and feel like my days are numbered. I don't want a child when I'm over 40 and feel like the clocks just ticking.
I wish I could help but like everyone on here it seems everyone can just tell you there story and just wish you luck. ↑ |
| Name: og217 | Date: Mar 13th, 2008 5:35 PM |
| Are all you women insane? Why are you all obsessed with producing these litters? You all have 2 kids and you NEED more? What on earth for? Are any of you working to support these children? And no, staying at home with them is not work. I know everyone is supposed to be politically correct and pretend like you're "working," but lets get real. You don't have to support 4, 5, 6 people. Your husbands do. Then they have to come home to a horde of bawling children and have you whine that he doesn't do "his" share of the house work, doesn't "spend quality time" with you and the children and gee, then you wonder why he is constantly angry and exhausted. If you really want more kids, I think your men may come around if you just make them an offer they can't refuse - you'll earn enough to support everyone and he gets to stay home to watch Oprah. What, no? You don't like that? Well then, why should all these poor guys? Do you not have anything else you are capable of or are interested in, except "poopies" and boogers? Get a life. No wonder so many men fear marriage - they're terrified that they'll be trapped like some horse in a yoke and that every time they have sex with their more and more fat, unattractive, flabby wife, the more children they'll be stuck with, in a never-ending processional of diapers. ↑ |
| Name: og217 | Date: Mar 14th, 2008 5:30 PM |
| Interesting contradiction - women have the right to chose what to do with their bodies and men pretty much have no choice but to support them in all their decision - abortion or a baby that the guy may desperately NOT want. But men have no right to chose what to do with their bodies, they need permission from a pissy spouse, even after a half dozen babies? ↑ |
| Name: Jen | Date: Mar 14th, 2008 9:49 PM |
My husband has a vasectomy, which he got before we met. I have one child from a previous marriage (he's 9), he has four. When we started getting serious, he told me about his vasectomy, and I told him I wanted one more child. He told me he would do whatever it takes to "fix things" so we could have one together. That was four years ago, and we've been married for two.
Now, I hear all of the excuses that so many here have already voiced: "it's not a good time", "I already have four kids", "I need to get the house refinanced", "what will the other kids think". My favorite: "let's wait until x happens and then we'll see". I've been hearing that one for years, and I'm tired. I'm 38, and I told him it time for a yes or no; no more maybe's, as the carrot dangling thing is killing me. How do I make him understand that his change in heart is a betrayal? I would not have married him if I didn't think he was going to follow through on his promise. I love him, I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to lose the chance. We have the money to do whatever: IVF, reversal, whatever. But, he wants to save that money for the "if's" that may occur down the road.
I'm tired. I'm hurt. I'm angry. I'm tired of hoping and praying every month that a swimmer miraculously got through, and then crying when I know it didn't, and then getting my hopes up again next month. I'm scared how his change of heart is going to affect our marriage. He says he doesn't want a baby because he's afraid it will change our relationship. Doesn't he get that his change in heart will also affect our relationship? I can't look at him; I don't want him to touch me; I can't talk to him without crying. How does one move on from this? ↑ |
| Name: og217 | Date: Mar 17th, 2008 7:22 PM |
| Jesus, get a life. You and your husband already have a litter. You can "afford" a 6th child??? Really??? What exactly do you do, cause I'd like to get into that line of work. ↑ |
| Name: V wants 3 | Date: Mar 18th, 2008 9:37 AM |
Dear Og217
Yes, some of us are working to support our children, personally I'm in a senior management position on a very decent salary. I'm lucky enough to have the best of both worlds as Hubby and I can work from home and we have a great family circle to look after our kids on the odd occasion we're not around to pick them up ourselves. I'm also the main breadwinner, not my husband on nearly £40K more than him a year (and he's already on that so called "enviable" salary you speak of) so between us we could afford numerous kids and a nanny if we so wished.
But then someone like yourself would probably find fault in this too.
My husband does most of the housework so I never complain to him about the house work and we also have a wonderful house.
I'd also like to point out on the contrary, I am not fat, after giving birth to both my kids I lost the weight within weeks and if anything I am now fitter, more toned and if anything I look better now as I make a greater effort because I don't want to be a flabby mum hanging around the school gate but at the same time I don't want to be a prissy woman in a suit with no life outside of work.
I'd love to hear what this offer my man can't refuse is, please do tell?
If you don't want kids this is your choice but I would suggest maybe it's more jealousy, otherwise why would you be going into sites on babies? Deep down you probably want them desperately but unlike some of us you can't have both a career and a family because either your husband said No too, or maybe your "enviable" salary isn't quite enviable enough. I feel very very sorry for you. ↑ |
| Name: og217 | Date: Mar 18th, 2008 4:54 PM |
Yes, I am very sad. I am not covered in vomit and my house isn't covered in plastic crap. But I so wish for it all! Thank you for your condolences, maybe with your prayers and help from Jesus I too can can have a marriage where my husband and I fundamentally disagree and are both miserable, just like you! And maybe then we could also have a litter of snot-covered brats to feud over, oh pretty please!
Give me a break. I've said my piece, and your husband clearly agrees, he doesnt want any more of your children. You can feel sorry for me all you want, but I'm the one who has exactly what I want and MY husband is in total agreement. You're the one who's unhappy and on your way to what, a second, third or fourth divorce? Unless your litter is illegitimate, of course. ↑ |
| Name: V wants 3 | Date: Mar 19th, 2008 10:34 AM |
Oh deary deary me og217 I think one does protest too much!
It's in very poor taste that you suggest individuals have illegitimate children. Again this demonstrates your lack of education, your ignorance and an obvious desperation as an educated person wouldn't need to scoop so low.
I do feel very sorry for misguided individuals who decide they don't want children only to find their husbands or they themselves change their minds as their body clock starts ticking. Unfortunately, for you, it's quite common statistically that when that clock starts ticking those apparently wonderful husbands who are content to just have a wife suddenly go out and find themselves a much younger model to have a family with. Not being religious I won't pray for you I'll just wish you good luck. You will need it!
I would like to say Thank you though for making me realise how lucky I am to have such a wonderful life when compared to yours. ↑ |
| Name: og217 | Date: Mar 19th, 2008 5:48 PM |
| Wait, aren't YOU the one in a situation where you wake up and want kids and your husband wants none of it? Yeah..... ↑ |
| Name: Vroom | Date: Mar 22nd, 2008 5:00 AM |
| I, too, would like another child. I have two already, a boy and a girl. My husband feels that our family is complete. We have had many discussions about my desire for more and his desire not to have anymore. I agree with another poster that it is hard to just turn that desire off. I have put a little bit of pressure on him b/c this is a decision that shouldn't be taken lightly. After another discussion, I agreed w/ him that we wouldn't have anymore. My marriage w/ him is more important than fulfilling this desire. I'm so thankful for the two that I have already, and a healthy relationship with my spouse is what is best for my children. Yes, I have moments when I am sad and a bit angry, but life is not always perfect. I wouldn't want to bring another child into the world unless both of our hearts were in it. It's only fair to us and to the child that would result if he reluctantly agreed to but didn't really want. Good luck to all of you out there. ↑ |
| Name: LEELA M.D. | Date: Mar 22nd, 2008 5:28 AM |
Dear og217,
One of my patients was talking about this site and I was curious. I find it very hard to believe that you have so much time to come on here and bash children (which you were at one time or maybe still are) you seem to have so much going on with your great love life and high paying job not to mention that great husband of yours. At first I thought you were a man, then as I read on I realized you were actually a woman. A woman in great pain, over what? We don't know, seeing as I googled this as "I want more kids my husband don't" my guess would be that you are in the same boat as these other women. I really do not think you stumbled on this site. You have too much to say about how children are a waste of time of money, well if you have so much money, why not hire someone to wipe their noses and butts? Then for those next ten years you speak of, you know when they just talk back, have your mom raise them, because it seems she did an AWESOME job with you. Then when they turn 18 you can give them the boot, right out into the great big, easy, forgiving, world where they marry someone as wise and angry as their parents and then can carry on the hate that this world has so much of today, the hate and anger they were raised with. Because hate is really why you are on here. You mention that women have the right to do whatever they wish with their bodies, well yes they do, they also have the right to say NO. Just like men have the riight to say NO, too! The right to not have sex because that is how babies are made and I didn't even need to leave high school to learn that! I am a perinatologist,I will save you the time googling that one, it is a maternal fetal medicine doctor you know a high risk pregnancy doctor. But I am sure since you are so educated you knew that, right? I am also a mom, but most important I am just human, like all of us, I am no better than any other person out there just because I was lucky enough to go to the best medical schools in these United States and then work my rear off for the next 10 years to pay my student loans. No better than the women who walk in my office with Medicaid, and no better than the women with Blue Cross. No better than the woman whose pregnany was planned and no better than the woman whose pregnancy was not planned but will continue her pregnancy and keep her baby or maybe she will give the baby up. No better than the unmarried women or the married women or the women who are at my office with other womens husbands. What makes you think that you are better than any of these women on this thread? That you can say all those bad things?
I actually had some extra time tonight to take a look at all of this. This seems to be a site where women come to talk to other women about these personal issues, maybe it makes them feel better. At first everything I read made me angry, I thought, how could you come on here and say such nasty things, then I realized you are somehow in the same boat as these women and you need something, help, pity, I dont know, like I said I deliver babies, wrong kind of doctor for you right now.
By the way, I know REAL men don't mind coming home to their flabby, unattractive wife and making love to her and creating yet another child. I know this becasue I have a lot of "repeat customers" REAL men don't mind coming home to bawling kids, REAL men don't mind leaving the home and supporting their family. REAL women don't mind the above either. I atayed home with my children until they started first grade, it was THE HARDEST JOB I have ever had, forget the two, three trips to the hospital every night when on call. Forget the 72 hour shifts when you are a resident. Forget the 10 years of college to get where I am at today in my career. Staying home is the hardest most challenging job I ever had. Although it was the most rewarding job I have ever had! Even tops all the babies and mommas I have been lucky enough to treat for the last 15 years! Please do not say I am pro-baby becasue that is where my money comes from, newsflash for you, I made enough the last 5 years to not have to work for the rest of my life and I could even put both my children through medical school.
The choice for these couples to have more children is theirs and for it to concern you this greatly is obviously an issue for you, please speak to someone. Now, I have said my piece, unlike you said your piece, but had to once again comment. You will not see me here again as I have a family to love, too much time I have already wasted on here. May all the women on this thread have patience and understanding. I wish ALL of you the best! Leela
I ↑ |
| Name: Vroom | Date: Mar 22nd, 2008 5:48 AM |
| OG217..... I think that it is great that you and your husband agree on not having children. It means that you are on the same page at least, which is not always the case when it comes to having children. This forum says it all. I don't know any men who would like to stay home w/ the children. I even know women out there who have no desire to stay home w/ their children. It's just something that doesn't make them happy. My HUSBAND AND I agreed before we had our first that I would stay home w/ our children. He says he'd go crazy at home. LOL. I don't think of staying home as a job. I have days when I get frustrated. I mean, with all of the pooping, vomiting, whining, boogers, and all it's hard to keep a smile on my face 24-7. LOL. You don't have children, so you really aren't qualified to say what life is like of a working parent or a parent who stays at home. That's something that you will never know, and I'm glad that you are happy w/ your decision. I do not know what it is like to NOT want children, and I will not assume that I do. I wish you and your husband many years of happiness together and in all that you do. ↑ |
| Name: Vroom | Date: Mar 22nd, 2008 5:54 AM |
| Leela....You rock! Awesome post! ↑ |
| Name: amy | Date: Apr 16th, 2008 8:33 PM |
Dear Overwhelmed,
Absolutley not! You have ever right to want what you want out of life. I happy to hear that you have a great relationship with your husband. It sounds to me, that he is giving you what you need rather than what you want and there is nothing wrong with that. Most couples are the opposite. I'm sure your husband is completly infatuated with the life the two of you have created together. He may just be a bit "overwhelmed" with the idea of a third baby. Who isn't?
Respect the decisions you make together. A third baby would be perfect, especially a baby girl. Talk to him, and really tell him what you "need" and you might just be planning another baby shower in the future being as though you have all the boy stuff and nothing for baby girls.
Let me know how it works out, I'm pulling for you.
Amy ↑ |
| Name: amy | Date: Apr 16th, 2008 8:45 PM |
| Can someone please tell me how this site works.???? Vroom, I did not mean to send the "poor taste" message". I apologize. I totally agree with what you had to contribute. Again, my alpologizes. ↑ |
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