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We have a 5 yr old and a 3 month old. my husband just told me he hasn't loved me for over 3 years. It just so happened that his confession follows his new boss being newly single. I still love him, what can I do?
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keep your chin up and be strong for your children, because in past experience you tend to take your anger out on them. i no it is hard but what goes around comes around and you will have the last laugh if you need to chat more email me candycane75@hotmail.co.uk take care and be strong
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Treat yourself kindly. Focus on your strenghts and your kids. don't give him all the power, you know what I mean.
Let him go if he has to. keep things honest and share your feelings. = |
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Hi, My husband told me the same thing about 2 months ago...we have a 3 month old baby girl. I know how you feel. My husband also said that he has not loved me for a while, even before our daughter was conceived. I asked why did he stick around then....he said because he hoped things would get better. I hate to say this, but I feel yours and my husband were never true partners to begin with. Dont be fooled he misses you, as my husband misses me, BUT they are both not family men. I still love my husband but I do not respect him for what has happened, and for that I can not even think about going back to him. I have told him that I still care and love him, and kick myself as this boosts his ego....however, after trying once to reunite without success, I have not tried again, and feel empowered. try to stay strong...your two little ones need that...email me back if you need to chat some more
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You will be the one with the goods, and the kids. He will realize later on that he has nothing of value left in his life, and he will be begging you back. trust me. Let him come crawling to you. Otherwise, he will never open his eyes to what matters in life. Leave, and say SEE YA! Do it with confidence, and he will learn to respect you Men find confidence and assertiveness in a woman to be appealing. Stand up for yourself, and move on. Soon, he'll be dragging at your coattails begging you to take him back.
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I really feel for you, you must be heartbroken! Dont let him treat you like a doormat though,I know u still love him,but if hes told you that, as hard as it is, move on and you will eventually find someone who deserves you and treats you the way you deserved to be treated
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hi i am in a simular situation my husband recently told me he loved me but no longer knew if he was in love with me anymore could use someone to talk to Midnightangelstr@aol.com
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At least your husband came out and said it straight out to you. That's so much better than him stringing you along for years. I would say, just give him the divorce he wants and get on with your life. You may still love him, but don't cling, he'll just use that against you and take advantage of the situation. Turn the table...tell him you've been thinking and that you realize you feel the same way and you'll be contacting a good lawyer to work out an amicable settlement. Realizing you don't give a darn may snap his feelings for you back, if not, let him go!
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goin through same thing,married 16 years and said he no longer loves me, so angry and bitter i wonder if i can cope with feelings,we have 5 children .
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Let him go...it's obvious he has 'other' plans.
Don't stay with someone who is telling you they don't love you anymore. Tell him he should have told you three years ago... Be strong, you deserve someone who will love you till the end of time. = |
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You need to move on.
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You are not alone. My husband of 22 years has decided that he doesn't want to be married to me anymore. He has decided that his world in a virtual game 'Second LIfe' is much more important than his real life family. He became distant a few years ago, but I hung on hoping that he would love me again in the future, maybe when our boys had grown up and left home. Right now, we are saying that we want to patch the marriage up and are seeing counsellors. But I am still so very sad.
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same experience, but no children. Some say it's a blessing, but I am too old to start a new relationship AND begin a family. Dealing with the end of a marriage that I was happy in and believed was forever, losing my home and my chance to be a mother--well, it feels bad. It is a little comforting to know that other people are struggling with the pain and shock as well. The question is why don't they just ADMIT that they want someone else!!!
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my husband just moved out..he told me that when he's with me he feels stressed and tense and without me he feels more at peace..i don't believe it but you can't make someone love you no matter how hard you try...and begging only makes you lose you own self respect...i agree with the other people men respect strong women and if he is smart giving him space will only make him realize his mistakes...and if not you'll be better off bevause you will find someone who treats you with respect
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if your husband cant see what hes got then thats his problem, love is a state of mind you will get over it, and eventually he will realise what he lost
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Hi...same experience but no kids. My husband told me last night that he doesn't love me anymore - he thinks of me as a sister. I was very happy - now in total shock. Don't know what to do.
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And I thought I was the only one dealing with this situation. Husband has gone off the deep end and is throwing his hands up to our marriage and our 17 month old. All I keep doing is shaking my head in disbelief. Would love to chat: i-will-survive-@hotmail.com
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Sma ething happening here. My husband of 14 years just recently told me that he loves me very much, but is no longer in love with me - because we haven't been getting along lately, he wants to be on his own. Although he told my brother that he doesn't know what he wants. He has finally agreed to go to counselling next week. I am trying not to get my hopes up. I feel so alone and devastated. We have a beautiful 2 year old daughter and I feel like I am dying inside.
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My husband left me and our 2 children aged 11 & 8 in nov05 after 13 & 1/2 years of marriage.I think it is a midlife crisis.Anyway focus all your energy on yourself and your children,cos they are confused too.Make him see that you are better than the person he left you for (cos you are ).Take care
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Hi I have been married for 29 years and a few months ago my husband told me he does not feel the same way about me. He wants to try but he is afraid of losing the kids (they are all grown up) he said I was a terrific mother but I never had time for him and now he can't get the feeling back. I don't want to lose him what can I do?
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I am so glad that I am not the on;ly one who is feeling rejected. My husband has been tellng me for years that he wants out, but stays for our son, who is 10. As the years go by it seems he reminds me of this more often. When there are times that I feel like I can talk to him about what is going on between us or even talk about an amicable divorce, he turns the situation on me and tells me I am trying to start an argument, but will still not discuss divorce with me. I have not worked since our marriage and although we share control of the money, I'm still not in a position to file myslef. I have no job, and homeschooling our son has put me in a position to where I am basically putting up with it for the security of my son. I am feeling So incredibly lonely right now and trapped.
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Hmm...just at work killing time and reading these posts. I am in the same boat ladies. My husband walked out on me about three weeks ago. I am currently living at my parents house with our none month old son. As for nr-my husband is not a family man either...he is a nightclub DJ he likes the nightlife...he is 32. So obviously he will never grow up. He too said he stuck around because he thought things would get better. We fought alot, but I miss him a whole lot. I don't feel quite complete without him around. I still hope he comes back although I know I am better off without him...I'm just lonely.
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Oh, and my email is linze831@yahoo.com.
If any of you would like to chat. = |
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Hi Ladies:
I guess we are all in the same boat. Yes, my husband to said that he doesn't feel that he wants to be in our marriage anymore. We have three children. The youngest is 9 months. He says he loves me as a person, as a mother, but doesn't love me like he used. He just wants to be single. In 15 years while he has gone out after sports, business meetings, etc. I never had the thought of him cheating on me. I have that 1% chance now, but the strange thing is he tells me where is going when he does go out???? Which is a little weird if you are doing something behind your wife's back. So I don't know. I did go see a lawyer and she said that I couldn't kick him out that he had to leave on his own. Life is normal when he is at work, but as soon as he comes home it's so depressing. Some days he's talkative and other days he is just a bump on a log. Ugh! I can't stand it. I always seem to have a knot in my stomach. He does have single friends and he just turned 40 last year so maybe that is part of his problem. Maybe he is going through a mid life crisis - I really don't know. Any suggestions would be helpful. Thanks! = |
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Nothing....but give him what he wants....a divorce. You can't make someone love you that does'nt.It just does'nt work that way.I'm sorry for you though!
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Don't ever feel like you are alone because you are definitely not. The days of men being dedicated to their family are long over. I have been married for four years to my husband but we have been friends for 17 years although we were only dating for 3 before we were married. Before we married we could talk on the phone for hours. When I was in college he would drive and hour to see me when he got off work late at night even if he had to get up at 5:oo in the morning to drive back. Now I'm sleep when he leaves in the morning and I'm usually in the bed 3 or 4 hours before he comes in at night. But, he claims he's not cheating. My father is a preacher and he says just pray and what I really want to do is hit him with a cast iron skillet! When I was a freshmen in high school I was raped. All of my hopes and dreams over the years have been placed in my husbands hands. I thought that he would support me and protect me. I never knew that I would need to be protected from him. We have a daughter who is two.
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Hi-I am 35 with a soon to be 7 year old daughter. I am in a similar situation. Her father and I were never married but lived together until recently. He's a second generation musician and a painter. I have spent seven years wondering where he is and what he is doing...come to find out he is gambling, taking loritabs, cocaine, and an alcoholic (this last one was easy to spot)! There were constat fights. I thought kicking him out would make him wake up. But instead his mother has replaced me she found him a place and bought him new furniture! I am so angry...now she is enabling him. Not to mention she walks around like she is the most holy person since Jesus! Anyhow I need to get a job! And I am scared...Years of confidence being beaten and I feel like I am supposed to just wake up and take charge. But I am so stressed. He left me with tons of bills. The house is in my name. The responsibility of doing everything on my own is overwhelming! Anyhow I could go on for days...They say it gets better...Send prayers and I will do the same!
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my husband still lives at home. i feel he doesn't love me as he doesn't pay much attention to me anymore, but i feel he's satisfied with this situation. it's me who wants more. i think i'll go shopping tomorrow to buy some sexy lingerie and see what happens. wish me luck!!!!! any advice?????
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I just found this forum my husband moved out last Thursday it would have been 11 years on May 27th. We have a 9yr and a 4 yr old. I am so confused and hurt and angry I love him soo much. He is 43 so I was hoping it was a midlife crisses but he told me he fell out of love about 4 years ago that really hurt. He has starting working out at the gym and really does not spend the time he should with the kids. I hope if anyone has some ideas or suggestions let me know email me yankeehabs@hotmail.com
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Honestly I just posted almost the same thing.. Let him be for a while, be civil to him, but let him breath and decide if he really wants to be done. I know it is hard but if you keep telling him NO it makes him want to be done faster.. like telling a child no and you know they want it more since they cant, make sense? Most states you have to have a seperation period to determine if there is no way the marriage will last. Let him have his time to see "if the grass is greener" without you. It may lead him back to you or it may not. Just my opinion, good luck to you!! Remember you are a strong women with kids depending on you and I know it isnt always fair but you can do it without a man!! Huggs to you!!
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my husband just did the same thing to me and the day after i moved out i seen him with a woman the very next day. It hurt so bad broke my heart. But reguardless of how much it hurts you have to stand up for yourself. You should never let a man put you on the back burner for another woman. I would at least leave him and seperate. show him that if you are not first in his life then he doesn't deserve you.
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today is my mans b-day and i got off work and he was so drunk he didnt evev want to evev want to hang out. My ? is does he even like me any more? we havent hung out for monthes or maybe years
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I am going through something similar. My husband of 10 years has stopped wanting to have sex at all. I always get some excuse. It happened kinda all of a sudden. He told me one night after I brought it up that He wasnt physically attracted to me anymore. He loved me but I dont turn him on. I was fat. Had gained too much weight and so on. I was sooo hurt I wanted to kill myself. Im stuck in a state where I have no family. He apologized the next day and said he lied He didnt know what the reason was and needed somethign to blame it on. He was sorry Blah Blah blah But I dont believe his apology. I dont think I will ever get over it. I dont know what to do. We have had sex once in like 3 months and I didnt even enjoy it because of what he said. Good luck with your situation. I really believe if you are confident in yourself Give him his Freedom and leave like you dont give a damn. He would come back. The question is if he gives you enough time away.....Will you even want him Back????
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What do you still love about him? If he is goign after his new boss he really has no interest in you. He is looking for new stuff. I think hard if you still really love him
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My husband of 16 yrs says he wants to leave. We have a 12, 8 and 4 yrs old. I am so mad and bitter. I have done nothing but be faithful and a good mother. He decides he needs a change. I am having a hard time letting him go. I love him, but the kids will
be devasted too. How does one deal with this kind of pain? = |
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hi ladies, going thru the same thing my husband of 18 yrs walked out without a word. Said he loved me but was not in love with me. He hid it real well i didnt even know he was unhappy. He had a few problems when he got back from iraq, but wouldnt see a counselor even though i encouraged it. apparently when the "honeymoon" period was over that first year was when he decided he wasnt happy but stayed for the kids. pretended everything was fine until he went to work one day and didnt come home....
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My husband walked out 2 weeks before Christmas this past year. We were together 10 years. Just out of the blue said he wasnt inlove. I really wanted it to work and went into a deep depression. I finally crawled out of my bed and out of my cave (bedroom) and tried to move on. This man was my soulmate and my life. Even though I know he wanted another, I still wanted him. Time heals all wounds......maybe. It may not heal them but I believe in time, you learn to cope and deal with moving on. I went on my spell of going out and having fun eventually. Did it solve anything? Nope! But atleast I was having some fun. I did meet someone else, quite younger than me and we're now living together and yes I love him. Not sure if it will be a happy ending or not but there are no guarentees or I would still have a marriage. I know it hurts and the pain may never go away for some. Each day gets better. When you have kids its even harder because you do have to see each other and communicate. If anyone wants to chat, I'll be happy to chat with ya. Talking helps cause you need to have a shoulder to lean on and someone who will just let you talk and talk til you feel a little better. My email is wancheseattitude@hotmail.com
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I am trying to figure out what is going on in my marriage. We have a 2.5 yr old and a 10 mo. old. In the last three years we have had sex about 10 times. I feel so frustrated and neglected. I do not have an issue with babyweight and I had two c-sections. I think others think I am attractive. Is it normal for a man to go that long with sex, or should I just assume he has something on the side? I've tried to talk to him but he won't discuss it. He is also very insulting towards me, in about every aspect. I have set up a counseling appointment - would be our first - but I am not sure he is going to go. Honestly, it's as if he has no feelings. I am incredibly lonely. I wish I had a friend or someone to talk to.
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i have been married for 7 years 3 1/2 months pregnant
since i told my husband i was pregnant he has completely changed. he has been going out every week for the past year, but since the pregnancy he says he needs space, he says he loves me but needs to be free, i feel deeply hurt and wonder if i stay for the baby i will recent him a lot because now i am not sure about hsi feelings for me.... it is very hard to hear someone say they are not sure about their feelings for you , when you are expecting his baby, hurts a lot.... is a baby enough reason to stay = |
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My husband of 7 years (we've been together for 12) out of the blue tells me he is no longer in love with me and he wants to be on his own. I am a few years older than him and he moved from mom's house to us so he never really got a chance to be on his own. I have my own issues, been controlling, not so nice sometimes, but I haven't always gotten what I needed from him all the time either. I love him, I truely love him and this completely blindsided me! He says he wants to be on his own and do things before he gets too old to do them. Says there is no one else, its not that. I would do anything in the world to make it work, but he just doesn't even want to try. Should I fight for him or let him go? To me the easy way to to get out, but the right thing is not always the easy thing to do. Me, along with many other people thought we had "it" and would be the ones to make it. How can I learn to accept his decision if it ends up that way? What I would really like to do is try again, this was a wake up call and I'm ready to go to work on it! I just don't get how he can throw this all away without wanting to try. I'd be happy to give him more space which will allow me to work on my problems. I really love him. Any suggestions?
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my husdand wants to be with someone thin and im not i want to go back to being thin but its hard with two kids one is 5ys and one is 6months and im thinking of becoming anorexia so i can go back to the size i was before i had kids
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5 days ago my husband told me he didn't want to be married to me anymore he said I was just like a sister to him he likes me and cares for me but that is all. I really pressed for some more reasons as to why? He then told me he was "in love" with someone at work don't know where he found the time! We have 2 children who are devastated I am in total shock as he has JUST left the house. He has just turned forty last year. and seems to think his future is very bright with this other person even talking about his future with her as he gets a flat and as we divorce, (BEARING IN MIND THIS IS THE FIFTH DAY OF KNOWING ANYTHING) I don't now if they will move in together? I am torturing myself mentally blaming my short comings etc.Right now I still love him! Any help
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to SE: I know how ya feel. You will go through so many stages. Me and my children were devastated. My son still acts up and it's been since Dec. It has been the most difficult thing to go through. I honestly don't know how I made it through it but somehow I did. Some things I handled wrong but it was so emotional. Just keep leaning on friends and family members and I'm here if ya want to chat. There is so many things to list that could help and all the stages you and your children will go through.
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dear kf, thanks for replying to me, the main concern right now is if I am doing myself more harm than good by hoping he might come "crawling" back to me at his some stage, or would it be better to except his idea of total closure on our marriage?
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I feel in my heart that my husband dont' love me anymore
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Well, today is my 2nd wedding anniversary and my husband told me last night that he doesn't love me and doesn't want to be married anymore. I don't know what to do. We just bought a house, I just graduated college and we have no kids but we do have 2 dogs and a cat. We slept in separate rooms last night...I'm depressed and angry. What do I tell my family, he said he doesn't want a divorce but he doesn't want to be married...I told him he can't have his cake and eat it too b/c love is what a marriage needs for survival and I"m not gonna fake this relationship.
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WoW!!! I've been reading trough this wole posting and OMG! alot of jerks out there! In my case I left my guy cause he was a ass! But all I have to say is girls you are worth more than a jerk who will hurt you by walking out on you ....There's someone for everyone..or not...give yourselves time to heal before hooking up with someone new...like 1yr..or more time...For the lady's who have children put your time into them and make sure to they're ok......Hang in there cause it WILL get better!!!! Hurts like hell at first but time does heal! Take care ladies:)
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I have been married for 25 years. While there is the odd argument usually over my husband not listening or communicating ( every 6 months) we get along well. In the past I suffered with depression, but have been doing extremely well over the past 6 years with medication. I feel that I function like a normal healthy loving individual. Obviously there were a lot of things I wasn't seeing. When we'd have an argument or when I did something to bug him, he would just keep it inside.
A month ago he told me that he doesn't think he loves me any more and that he thinks he "might learn to appreciate me more if I went away for a year". I have been going through hell since. Since I am a "stay-at-home" mom, for the most part, I have been trying to make decisions regarding seeking employment, and the legalities of moving out. I have 2 degrees, and am hoping to find a teaching position. I guess I just need to know I'm not alone. = |
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cant forse love just b there for the kids
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ny housband told me that he stills loves me but soesnt want ot be married anymore after 25 yr, I dont get it.
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my husband told me yesterday he wants to leave me and my mind says its for the best but my heart wont let go
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I am so glad I found this forum - I don't know what to do with this pain. The worst part is that it's inconsolable. My DH of 12 years (our anniversary is tomorrow) and the father of my amazing and beautiful 3 kids, 11 yr girl, 9 yr boy, 3 yr girl - walked out last week. He has been cold, insensitive and downright cruel the past few months - since we moved here after being kicked out of our home - foreclosed from his lost business - sold everything I own, my kitten was killed by a car, my grandmother died, and my daughter had only a month left to graduate 5th grade. Yet - I was willing to move and start over with him. The day after we got here it's like he shut off. No sex (and he used to be a sex maniac), no touching or intimacy, he just treated me like a leper - never came home ontime and when he did - he would blatantly avoid me - like I did something wrong! He spent every weekend away with him mother and family (she is the main problem and is now supporting him since he left us). This weekend is the first time alone - he has set up a "visitation" time and I am here all alone. I HATE him and I am so hurt and feel so betrayed. All the clues of an affair are there - but, I just don't know. I never thought he would walk out. My kids adore him and are devastated beyond belief. He left me after being a SAHM for 5 yrs, no money in the account (spent it all before he left), no gas, no food in the fridge, and over the week he left - and until this day - has given me $35. I am devastated. And even tonite - I think he will soften up and realize his stupidity - but he his a mean as ever. He even told me he found an apartment and can get his boat "out of my way" - the apartment? The apartment we lived in when we first fell in love and got engaged and conceived our first baby. He still doesn't see what my problem is that it hurt me so bad. What an ass.
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What if it is your wife that tells you that she doesn't want to be married anymore cause she doesn't want to have to answer to any one. That's what my wife told me. But I love her and don't want to loose her. What should I do.
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Barbara, I know what you're going thru. I have a similar story.. email me: thinkthinthoughts@yahoo.com
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I understand you more than you know I have been in a realtionship for 8 yrs. and now he says I don't make him happy anymore. So he thought that maybe we neede to talk to someone and we have I am giving him his space and hoping to maybe workeverything out but all I can do is pray he. He claims he doesn't want to hurt me any more but I don't want to hurt anymore either It is the scaryest thing I ever had to face I rather deal with my fear of spiders. Just keep a possitve thoughts in your mind and remember that the kids always feel your sadness even though they are kids my kids are 9,10, 13 so it is even harder because they ask so many questions and I have no aswers for them. Just keep upo with them and if he doesn't come around you have to let go because two unhappy people in one home can cause alot of hurt feeling. So if you ever need someone to talk to just e mail me and i will write back. from a broken heart too. FLow FLownb@msn.com
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my husband spoke very similiar , we have three children and been married now 8 years, together for almost 12 and he stated he wasn't sure he loved me anymore,had no romantic feeling, and was tired of being married and having a family, i am very upset and extremely confused, is it mlc , why is he only thinking of himself, one day he wants to leave the next he says he wants to work it out, but i'm the only one with changes expected , i trying to be strong and work it out ,i don't want this to hurt my children, has anyone had a similiar experience.
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I know it hurts, but his doing you a favor. Please, don't let your kids suffer in this marriage. He will eventually become really angry with you and your kids because he is unhappy. Your husband has no clues what's life without a family.
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My husband told me a month ago he loves me but isn't in love with me, doesn't want a divorce wants to separate and maybe we can date. We were married for 13 years, and dated for 7 years. All 3 of his brothers did this to their wives. I have a 7 year old son. He was so mean and cold to me leading up to this, never touching me, nor wanting sex and he used to want sex all the time. He is still living home, in our family room and we don't speak to each other. I don't get it. If he is so "unhappy" why doesn't he move the hell out!
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Sometimes you cannot change how a person feels. It is painful to be married when you no longer want to be with that person. It is difficult for him, too. New research is indicating that humans are not innately monogamous. I will tell you this will get worse for you if you stay. It is hard to leave, as I have been unable to, because I care more about our children's emotional well- being. They are 13 and 18. My husband is painfully a "family"man and I want to be free with my kids. It is awful to be smothered by someone who is trying to make you love them again. I am counting the years until my last child is 18.
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my husband does not want to be married anymore. he is leaving because marriage to me has been awful. he always reminds me that he did not want the marriage anyway. we have a 6 and 3 year old. for the last 2.5 years he has done nothing to make the marriage work. i even gave him the open marriage but he still wants to go. i am so hurt and heartbroken because he did not and does not even try. help me robinson263@earthlink.net
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You are in a sad situation. I don't know what you mean by an open marriage? Anyways, since your husband tells you he didn't want to marry you in the first place, then he should have been a real man and not went through with it. Yet, he ends up having 2 children with you? Shame on him. He not only has made you miserable but he brought children into the picture. Well, I know you hurt but you need to pick yourself up and stand on your own two feet. You have to for your children's sake. They need to see that mommy is strong and is able to overcome the difficulties in life. They will learn to appreciate you for it. Since, your hubby has given any effort in the 2.5 years, you need to find yourself a good aggressive attorney to defend you for divorce and custody of your children. I was marriage 12 years to a man, who was impractical, mental and physically abusive to me. About 5 years before I left, I, too, felt my marriage was the pits. I felt like a physical body in the home, not more. As long as I took care of the children, kept his clothes washed, house cleaned, did the yard work, be his secretary and kept him feed, he was very content with living. I felt there needed to be more to a relationship than physical labor. He gave other females more attention than me. Then, when I caught him with his feddish of internet pornography and discovered my daughter caught him, I lost total respect for him. I my heart, I left him. It was just a matter of scrapping up enough money to hire an attorney to leave him. My family didn't support me, they felt I should go to a marriage counselor. I disagreed. A couldn't make the leapord change it's spots. Leaving him was the scariest thing I've experienced by I couldn't subject the children to an unhappy life anymore. Now, 3 years gone and finally divorced after 1 year, I'm more happier now than I've ever been. I didn't like the person I was when I was with him. He was killing my spirit inside of me. He didn't appreciate one damn thing I did for him. Yet, he still tries to control me but I tell him to go fly a kite. You can make that step and you will be just fine. Sure, it hurts, but in the long run, you will be much happier. It's hard to let go, I thought I was the wrong person (the screw up) for the longest time. Since then, I have a lot of people tell me, I did the right thing and I'm stronger by making the step. It took small steps but once I got them moving the steps were easier. I don't feel the hurt anymore and I used to be puzzled over why he treated me that way. I realized it was a lack of his own insecuries. He was trying to make me suffer for them. Don't allow that to happen to you. Two out of my three children have seen a difference in me and appreciate that I made the right decision. If you have family to help you, don't feel guilty reaching out for their help. If you are alone, you can still do it. All this maybe not something you wanted to hear but you don't want to die inside yourself. I hope this information helps you. Remember, no matter how hard you try, your not going to change him. He has to want to change himself for you. He doesn't sound like he is willing to do so. Obviously, he has given up. So, don't let him tear you down---Be strong. You do have it in you. Keep me posted.
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You need to find someone who loves you in return. You need to find someone who can make you happy and who you can make happy in return.
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well i have been married for 3 years (this is my second marriage) i have an 8year old from my previous marriage and a 15months old with my current husband. he tells me all the time he wants a divorce but i tell him we need to try to work it out. he is all about himself, he calls me names all the time and is just such an a**hole alot of the time. he tells me he doesnt need me and makes me feel like he doesnt love me. i put up with it with my ex husband and i vowed never to do it again, but now i have another son whos father will fight me tooth and nail for him..my husband is always rubbing my past in my face and makes me feel like im nothing..i just dont know what to do, i have no money of my own he was always i charge of it and i couldnt possible leave without one of my boys.. i dont have a very good support system to run to..im just torn
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You are in a tough situation. If you hubby wants a divorce and says he doesn't love you anymore, than what is stopping him from getting a divorce? Him calling you names and making you feel like your the lowest person in the world is his own insecurity. He selfish and controlling. My ex did the same thing to me. I had three children, two were in school and the other would need daycare if I worked during the day. I ended up waitressing at night to save up enough cash to hire a lawyer. We fought constantly over me working because he didn't want to help out with the kids or have me to earn my own money. It's like he had the sense that I was planning to leave him. Thankfully, I left and we are doing just fine. Although, I have to give thanks to a wonderful man I met, who was willing to help us out financially. Yet, I was determined to work 2 jobs if I had too. If your hubby works during the day, see if you can do some babysitting to earn extra cash that he might not find out about. You could tell him you are doing it as a favor to the person you babysit for. If the person that hires you to babysit and requires your social security number for their tax benefits, have the money put into a separate checking/savings account in just your name. Once you have saved up enough money then take your step to leave him. It will take you sometime but living the way you do is only going to hurt you more. You are a strong person and there is nothing you can overcome. I know this is easier said than done but if there's a will there's a way. Also, before you get ready to leave, take some of your belongings out of the house. Move a little bit at a time until you are ready to go. Of course, this is just a suggestion. Making a step like this is very hard to do and your completely afraid. Although, if you are a stay at home mom chances are he won't be able to take the child from you. He is just threatening you. My ex threatened to take the children away from me but because I was a stay at home mom, the courts awarded me as the custodial parent. He tried to discredit me as a mother in court. He had people get on the stand and lie to say I was an unfit mother. It didn't work. That's when I fully realized my ex was all mouth. I hope this helps you and if you want to talk, keep posting.
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thank you for your encouraging words my whole thing is that my husband rescued me from a life that was unfit for my son...he knew my ex husband and the way he treated me and he vowed to NEVER do those things to me, and although the alcohol and physcial abuse are not there i am well aware of the verbal and emotional. my husband only sees things black and white and its funny but he always puts on such a different face around other people. we work the same job (thats how we met 10 years ago) and he works days and i work a few hours at night so that we dont have to pay for daycare. we live with his parents so we can pay off bills and buy a house (which puts added pressure on us). but he is just so stubborn and everything i do is wrong. he tells me i have changed into someone he doesnt like, and i tell him that yes i did change into what he wanted me to be, so of course i dont like who i have become. its just so difficult because when its good he such a great husband, but its like we are just roommates now, when hes angry he never says sorry, im always the one to give in..he just always makes sure he does no wrong, and thinks hes in control of everything. i just dont get it,. he treats me like a child and i cant stand it. i know some of the love is gone on both sides. im just so confused.....
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Now, I hear exactly what you are saying. Sorry, you are in a difficult situation. You feel very obligated to your husband because he helped you through some difficulties times in your life. That was very remarkable on his part and yours for seeing you needed help with the change. Yet, what exactly does he want you to be? Granted, he doesn't want you to revert back to the old ways but he's not allowing you to blossom as a whole person. He is treating you like a child by controling everything. My ex did the same thing to me. Just because I had a difficult childhood, he would always bring that up saying that's probably why I am the way I am. No, it's because I have learned from my mistakes and I am trying to stand up for what I believe in. He, too, put on a different personality in front of people and made me think I was the one, who was always wrong. He would put on the persona that he is a wonderful husband/daddy. It wasn't until after I divorced him that I saw all the wrong waving in front of my eyes. I used to use alcohol to cope with my married life to him. I felt if I could numb the pain for a while, I could deal with him better. Then I realized, I was only hurting myself and everyone around me including my children. Living under someone's roof is a difficult strain on anyone's relationship. We did that, too. Yet, once we moved into our house, things were never the same. They only got worse. I felt like I was dying inside and I couldn't take it anymore. While going through our divorce, he trying bring up the alcohol issue but it didn't work. The judge still awarded me custody of the children. Of course, I would never drink and drive but I used it when I knew I was going to be home for the night. It wasn't an everyday occurance but it was enough for me to realize I was having a problem I needed to change. So, I do know exactly how you are feeling. It's hard and sometimes you have to keep your feelings buried just to make them happy and still that's never good enough. It sounds like you are a great mother to your children. You have changed for the better a long time ago. Don't ever think because of your past, he can take your child away from you. He can't. Always changing to what he wants you to be is not the answer either. You are a person that has wonderful qualites, especially if he was willing to marry you and have a child with you. He is failing to recognize your qualities. Keep yourself on the right track like you have been doing and you can never go wrong. If he wants to belittle you, always remember it's not you. It's him. It's sad and you think, how can you get away from this or change it? It's hard to make those decisions. Sorry, if I couldn't be of any help but I'm willing to talk if you want to.
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i am so thankful i can talk to someone about this, cause i really have noone, he has caused me to distance myself from my family because of the way i was treated growing up. alot of times i get to the point that i go in my room and ask god why he has chosen this path for me, how much can one person take? i find myself saying that i hate my husband. when we fight he know all the right things to say to back me in the corner and turn it around to be my fault. he has a degree in psychology so i think he tries to pull his mind games with me...it sounds like you have had a hard time too and it takes a strong person to admit when they have a harmful addiction, ive had those too as well as my ex husband and it was so hard to break, but thats why alot of times i feel i owe my husband so much for taking me away from all that and helping me and my older son out.. we as mothers cannot allow our children to suffer for our mistakes and i find myself taking it out on my children sometimes...i just either need to shut up and leave or stick around till theres nothing left of me....
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I have rsponded to this post at an earlier date. Just got my comp back up and running. To all you gals out there, hang in there. Tonight my soon to be ex is out with his ex that was before me. The drunk and druggie that he couldn't stand who still had her mail sent to our house during our 10 year marriage. Here's the thing. i have moved on and found someone else and we live together. The ex asked our son questions still about me but he doesn't want me to know anything. I knew he was going out with others and I'll be honest, they were not that attractive. The ex before me, the drunk, well she's blonde, blue eyes, looks great and very well developed. Why would I be mad when I don't love him and would never go back? I think maybe a respect thing. I feel like he should still respect that we live in a small community and knowing she was part of the reason, it's just rubbing it in. Anyone been through this and can give me any suggestions. I'm not jealous over her because of what she does and who she is. Is it right that I still ask that he don't flaunt it about out of respect? May sound crazy since I have moved on and me and my boyfriend moved in together but he is the one that left me and the family and abandoned us.
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need advice! married 14 years. found out hes cheating. sees her a few times a week. now he wants to move out to be on his own. he is definately not living with her. but, he isnt sure if he wants to be married or move on his life with her. he says hes not in love with her. but that she makes him feel good and she spends money on him like crazy!!! he said the marriage isnt over and he doesnt want a divorce...he just wants to be on his own for awhile and then maybe we can start getting to know eachother again and work on our marriage. he tells his parents...that who knows he might hate being on his own and move home in a month or two. help me! advice please!!!
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crazydazy, i went thru that too. Don't belive it. It's actually like giving him permission to do it. I could be wrong, he could be different. Mine said that at first just to ease out of it but it was only false hope and him playing head games. He new i would say or do anything to keep him there. It was so hard at first but it's hard to work on your marriage if you are apart. It's hard to have a marriage with no trust. Listen to your head and your thoughts instead of his words. if ya wanna chat you can insant message me on Aim: it's wancheseattitude or you can email me at wancheseattitude@hotmail.com
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I have the same situiation like you. But my husband dont want to love me anymore because he dont want to responsibility in anything. He dont want to take care of me or have jobs. But he want to having fun with his friends. It is so sad.
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Don't start the "he doesn't love me - he MUST be cheating!" thing. It's a pathetic excuse for not realising it sooner. My mother did EXACTLY the same thing and convinced me to hate my father, for reasons that turned out to be complete lies. She even went so far as to buy a baby monitor so she could 'listen in' on the 'secret phone conversations' she imagined and apparently recorded, but never let anyone else listen to! Odd that.
If you can't talk to him, which I'm guessing you can't since you're posting on a forum full of strangers who don't seem to know how to use their own lanauge properly, divorce him. Don't you DARE stay together "for the kids", it does FAR more harm the good, and what's the point in staying in a relationship that isn't working? = |
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My husband and I only been married for 2 months. He and I rushed into our marriage due to him being in the military and the arrival of our son. Now that he is back from the service he and I have been stressing about bills and everything. Now my husband is making comments to me that he wishes we didn't get married because we got along better while we were dating. Also, my mother-in-law has been telling me that we made a mistake getting married and for us to get a divorce. I don't want to because I know the first couple of years are always the hardest. I don't know what to do?
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I am so scared an confused, my husband says he doesn't love me like a husband should love a wife and he has'nt for a long time. We have been married for 7 1/2 yrs.,we have a 4yr.(girl) 5yr.(boy), 6yr(girl) and my step son is 10yrs.He says he wants me to be like the girl he feel in love with .We dated for 3 months got married. We went to school together since the first grade an had a crush on eachother. I moved away in the 7th grade. Met up again feel in love. Then a month after being married got pregnant.I had to go off my meds for deppression and anxiety,etc. the pregnant again then again. Not expected we have never again been able to be just us ever again. He says he hates the weight and scars etc., my attitude. He says he is not attracted to a fat chick who nags and bitches all the time and i need to make money.How can I do that when my pay would just cover the daycare.He keeps telling me i am afruit cake,shut up,
I make him sick and feels guilty when we have sex or i give him bj. cause he is not attracted. has not been since i was first pregnant.That I really messed him up there is so much more but i am too scared and tierd to say = |
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It sounds to me like your mother-in-law and hubby are being very mean to you. They are not giving you a chance to be a good wife/mother. Do you know if he's seeing someone else on the side? Something just doesn't sound right. Your husband is telling you that you both got along better because you were dating! Well, that's because he has responsibility not only to you but your child, too. He's afraid of that or isn't willing to step up to the plate. His responsibility isn't going to change if you do divorce. He still has an obligation to your child. You need to look at the broad picture. If he isn't willing to stick out and get through the bumps in the road, I don't believe he's going to change. Yet, if he shows some signs of trying to work things out, try your hardest to make it work. Having a child does change the setting. It's very hard to get back to just you and him because you have a baby that requires all of your attention. However, you can set up a night of just mommy and daddy for alone time together. Have the mother-in-law watch the baby or someone in your family. Your bills are always going to be there but that's where your husband needs to figure out how to get through that. Newly wed couples have struggles with finances in the beginning of their marriages. It's the love the two of you share that will help to get past it. I'm sure you don't have the money to go places but plan evenings at home once your child goes to bed and do some fun things with your husband. Cook him a nice dinner, play cards together, joke and laugh with each other. If you can do those type of things without spending money, you have something strong to hold onto. You have to see how he reacts to the things you try. Just because his mom thinks you should divorce is not a reason to just give up. Remember, daddy needs his wife, too. When my fiance and I had our daughter 8 months ago, it was a strain on our relationship. My body ached alot and I was tired all the time. But, as our daughter got past the newborn stages, things got better between the two of us. My fiance was feeling neglected. He thought I didn't love him anymore. However, that wasn't the case, my body didn't bounce back like when I had my first child 13 years ago. He was a new daddy and didn't realize what a woman goes through until I thoroughly explained things to him. Show him some attention if you can and include him in the things you do with the baby. Just maybe, he wants to feel apart of the bond you and your baby have. Give it a try and if you've already tried somethings, try doing things out of the ordinary that will blow his mind. Remember, having a new baby is very new to the both of you. Keep me posted as to what happens. I certainly hope things will change for the better. Ignore the mother-in-law. That's her boy and she sounds like she isn't willing to give him up to you. Think positive about the good things you have in your life. Your health, a healthy baby, etc....
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Your ex is purposely trying to rub your nose in his new life style. He can't except the fact that you have moved on. Just let do his thing. Ignore what he does or says because he isn't worth the air he breaths. You have the right attitude, he left you and his family. That's his mistake and he has to live with that for the rest of his life. Focusing on the positive things in your life is making you the better person. Your new relationship is more important that your ex will ever be. Unfortunately, he couldn't see past the cloud he was in when he was with you. I hope things with your new boyfriend will be something you should of had in the first place, a man that loves you more than himself. All you can do is laugh and snicker about him flaunting himself. Put on the happy face and don't let him see any signs of it getting the best of you. He's trying to see just how you will react. Telling him to stop will only make him do it more. Enjoy yourself and your new life. You deserve it!!!
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You husband is being very selfish. Telling you he hasn't loved you because your body has changed from having babies is a poor excuse. You can't be the girl he fell in love with because you had 3 children close together and your body takes time to get back to normal. What he is telling you is, he's wants the girl, who had the figure of before babies! He is being very narrow minded. Losing the baby weight is very hard to do. Believe me, I've tried. My ex husband said the same thing to me. He said he was going to divorce me if I get fat. I felt ok, if that's how I can get rid of him then I won't lose the weight. Well, I ended up losing most of the weight but I still was hurt by his comment. We ended up divorcing for other circumstances. His comment just showed me how rude he was and still is. As for you, if your husband doesn't love you anymore, then why isn't he getting the divorce he wants? Is the thought of paying child support an issue with him? My ex said and did the same things. I didn't work either while raising my children and had no income what so ever. However, I knew I would do what ever I had to for my children's sake. Don't let him mentally beat you up!!! You are a good person. Just because you have to take medication doesn't mean you can't be a good mom/wife. These are just excuses he's using to hurt you. You need to be strong for your children. You have to decide for yourself, what will make you happy??? It doesn't sound like he is. It's a tough step especially when there are children involved but you will come out on top through all of this. Hang in there and think about the good things you have to look forward to. Your children and the love you can give no matter what mountains you have to climb over. When they get older, they will see for themselves and be thankful for the person you are.
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Sorry it has taken me so long to respond. Listen, you don't have to just shut up. You are an individual that should be treated like an adult. You have voice that can be heard. I tried the same thing your thinking about doing now. I learned to just keep my mouth shut and just go along with things to avoid fights. But you know what? It didn't help. The feelings just kept on festuring inside of me until I couldn't take it anymore. Granted, my ex didn't have the psychology degree but he was a master at mind games. Of course, I was the one, who was accused of playing mind games instead of him. I, too, would take my frustration out on the children but that was when I realized it was healthy for anyone of us. Two out of three of my children thank me everyday for getting out when I did. They tell me they love me more than they ever did. My 12 year old daughter says she is so proud of me. She saw my addiction and could feel I was dying inside. Now, she feels so much more happier with her life and my new life and thanks me for making the change. It's funny how children have a way of telling you what is wrong and are hoping you will do something about it. I didn't realize when I hurt, they hurt, too. It's a tough road with a lot of bumps but you can be strong and stand on your own two feet. Only you can decide when your ready for such a change. Yes, your husband helped you recover for things you didn't want to be a part of but making you change into something you disagree with doesn't help you. He should know this. The demons inside of me want to pop up every now and then but I try very hard not to allow it. No matter how much my ex throws my way. Especially, when he uses the children for his own personal benefit to get at me. Now, I'm able to handle things a lot better than I did. I'm able to voice my opinion and feel good about it. My ex is puzzled by my actions of standing up for myself and this gets under his skin. If your family treated you badly be careful of them tearing you down. I had to distance myself from them because of all the negativity. Yet, I have soon to be new in-laws, who is a much better support system. Don't give up on the good things you have, like your children. Everything else will come to you down the road. I've had to start over from scratch which I worried endlessly about. Yet I did make it through. There were somethings I couldn't change and I stopped dwelling I those things. I looked towards the things I could. Once things started to turn around, I was able to feel much better about myself. You can do this too. I will talk with you anytime just email me if you want to--pj754@sbcglobal.net.
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My husband did the same thing! Except he said mother. I have always let him do what he wants to do! He came back and last night we made love but today he is very cool toward me. Just know that I am also going through this. And I Also am lost, dazed and confused!
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This site is scary. I'm engaged to be married early next year and am having some doubts. Now to read all these stories and wonder whether I'll be joining you for real in a year or even 20 years.
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I know how frustrating this is for you!! Always remember, you have feelings and he needs to understand it. Let your voice be heard. Sometimes, we have to give in more than we would like to but that's what makes us loving caring individuals. Most of the time, we have to overlook the minor things and focus on the major things. It's very hard for couples to work things out, especially if one partner isn't willing to meet you half way. Sometimes you have to just put the little things that bother you in the back of your mind. Focus on the positive things you truly have in your life and expand on them. During my marriage, I kept myself busy with the house, yardwork, the children and other friends that care about me. That's probably why I lasted as long as I did in my marriage. However, when I realized he wasn't willing to change on his own for our needs together, that's when I new our relationship wasn't right. Thankfully, I was able to have a second chance in a new relationship that means alot to me. I'm not saying all husbands are the same. You will know it in your heart. If you've done everything possible to work together and he's unwilling to do so, you have to try keeping yourself busy with something else. I hate to say divorce is always the answer because I was feeling alot of regret when I was going through mine. Yet, my ex was abusive to me mentally and physically. I wasn't going put up with being treated that way. I don't do if what I said has helped. Just keep venting to us if you need to.
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I can tell you to definitely evaluate your relationship before you commit. Does he treat you better than himself? If he does, you know you have a good thing going. Is he able to handle big problems on his own? Does he go out of his way to make you feel special? Do you fight alot? Does he confide in you about things that bother him? Does he just take off somewhere without telling you? Does he include you in any decisions he needs to make or just does what he wants? Does he ask your opinion on what you think and process what you say? Is he willing to listen to what you have to say and realize maybe you were right? These are questions you need to ask yourself. These kinds of questions are things that I will explain to my daughter to ask when her time comes. Divorce is a pain in the butt so, if you have your answers to these types of questions already, you can see what's in store for your furture with your partner. Although, beware of the type, who keep any kind of frustrations and anger hidden. Speaking from experience, my ex never displayed his anger the whole time we were dating. He always acted calm and cool when I thought he should get upset. I expected him to get upset but he never showed it, until after I married. Then oh, buddy, was I in for a rude awakening. I'm sure your situation might not be the case but it is something to think about. I hope this helps and if you happen to be on this site down the road, it's ok. This is a wonderful venting place.
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I had a similar thing happen to me, my husband who is a minister, shut me out of his life for four days and on the fifth tells me that he loves me but he is not in love with me anymore. He says he has felt like this for months but his actions showed differently. I havent seen, heard or fully suspected someone else but I am puzzled why all of a sudden he decides he wants to seperate. I still love my husband and I am praying that God shows me what to do, but for some reason I feel that my husband is overwhelmed with the responsibility of being a husband. I have four kids and he has three but only three of them are in the home. He has been gone for about 1 1/2 and only took a weeks worth or work clothes and one Sunday outfit.. He says that he isnt sure if our marriage was ordained by God and refuses to discuss Biblical scriptures with me. Just hang in there until you know exactly what you want to do
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You could try marriage councilling, but if he is truely not committed to your marriage, you and your children deserve a better life, it is no fun for your kids to live in a house of hate and discontent, parents who fight all the time do not realize what it does to the kids and how the kids end up as adults feeling that it was all their fault good luck and god bless
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Here I am again. I truly love my husband but I throughly believe he has lost his way and his mind. He has told me that I am a great wife and mother and also that I am the greatest person he has ever met. But he also says that he has lost himself and thinks that he would be a better dad if it was only part time. I told him that is a cop out and that it was a choice we both wanted when we had kids. He does tell me he loves me but I'm still getting that cold feeling from him. He tells me he feels like he is just a provider and not a part of this family but what does he expect. He chose to not do stuff with us, we would have loved to have him. He has agreed to go to marriage counseling and says he will be open and honest during it. I scheduled our first appointment for Tuesday. I am hoping the therapist will help not only us but him. I truly believe he does love me but that he is very depressed. Sometimes he says he just wants to go away from everybody and everything. To me that says depression. | |