I am 30 years old, my husband and i have been together for 6 years and have been married for 4 years, before we got married we have talked about having a family.
our relationship during the last 3 years has been extremelt rocky and he even left the house for a month, recently we have decided to try and fix our relationship and go to counsling, but now he came up with something new, he doesn't want to have kids, for me this has been the only thing that really matters in life, i have talked to him about waiting untill we both feel that our relationship is stable and this will not be something that we will rush into and with counsling he might feel differently about this.
He had told me that even with counsling he just doesnt want to have kids,
I really need advice about this, Do you think this is an excuse for him to leave me, i especially interested in advice from other women who went through something similar.
Thank you, ↓
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| Name: Silvia | Date: Feb 23rd, 2006 10:24 PM |
| I have a friend who went through something similar and she left the guy and adopted a baby. I hate to give advice when it concerns love but you need to hold yourself in higher esteem and find yourself a man who wants the same great life you want. Kick the guy to the curb, before you spend the remainder of your biological clock ticking days trying to talk him into something that he's just not going to do. Good luck. ↑ |
| Name: Stephanie_jo23@yahoo.com | Date: Mar 3rd, 2006 6:08 PM |
| I have an amazing boyfriend and a great relationship. We have been together for years and I cannot imagine a life without him. BUT I always dreamed of being a mother and he decided he doesnt want kids. In fact he wants to be fixed. I am 25 and cannot decide what to do either. Feel free to send advice to me as well! I wish there was an easy answer ↑ |
| Name: sonia | Date: Mar 3rd, 2006 6:27 PM |
| Having my babies is the most important thing in my life if my husband ever said we couldn't have anymore I would have to leave him. Your clock is ticking you had better work it out with him or leave before it is too late to find someone who shares your dreams. ↑ |
| Name: cj | Date: Mar 12th, 2006 1:08 AM |
| I've learned that if a man isn't good with other kids such as neices,nephews,& a friends kids that he isn't going to be good with his own no matter what anyone tells you. If a man isn't ready to have kids the biggest mistake you can make is try to force him into having one. In the end it causes more problems in the marriage, then those problems will most likely lead to divorce anyway. It's best to walk away sooner rather than later...because later may mean putting the child you forced him to have in the middle of a messy divorce. ↑ |
| Name: john | Date: Mar 26th, 2006 10:16 PM |
| Name: Andrea | Date: Apr 1st, 2006 7:29 PM |
| I'm going through the same thing. My husband has two kids from a previous marriage. His ex is completely out of the kids' lives, and I have raised them as their mother. We've been together for 9 years and now, after 5 years of marriage, my husband tells me he doesn't want any more kids. Before we got married, we planned on having 5 kids of our own - we even talked about names. Now he says he will never want more kids and I need to deal with it or leave. What's worse, staying with my husband and never having kids, or leaving and trying to find love somewhere else? ↑ |
| Name: Carrie | Date: Apr 19th, 2006 2:03 PM |
| I will be 31 this year. I've been married for 7 years. When we first discussed marriage, my husband said that he wasn't sure if he would want kids, but was leaning towards having them. Now, he says he does not want them. His reasoning is that he is finally entering a time in his life when he feels he is living for himself, and not for someone else's expectations. He is finally pursuing his dreams of attending law school. Afterwards, he wants to find a good job, make some decent money, and travel. He's afraid of making such a huge commitment of time and money before he can enjoy it himself. I fully understand what he is saying. I often feel the same way. But, I pointed out to him that I want to have a family and grandchildren, and I don't want to worry about later-pregnancy risks (such as Down's syndrome, infertility, etc). I told my husband that I did not want a divorce, and that I wanted to have a family with him because I knew he would be an excellent father. He does not want to lose me over this. This discussion will be continued, but at least we're talking about it, and not fighting. I think there may be hope for us. With your situation, your husband sounds pretty set with his feelings on the matter. If he were more willing to consider kids as an option, I would say stick with it. However, it looks like you will need to make a difficult decision on whether to stay or go. ↑ |
| Name: Serina | Date: Apr 19th, 2006 4:07 PM |
try not to focus on having kids part and work on the marrage. He may not want kids becuse you two are not getting along and a child might make matters worse.He may have just decided he does not want them but give it time. He may not really know what he wants with things they way they are ya cant blame him.
If after some time he still does not want kids what will you do?Would you leave... adopt... spirm bank???How long have you guys been in couseling?
Good luck ↑ |
| Name: James | Date: Apr 20th, 2006 8:31 PM |
| It's not just women who are go through such ordeals. I'm 35 years old and about two years ago my wife told me she doesn't want to have children. Our story is similar to yours, although we've been together longer (13 years) and have been married 7 years (next month). My wife is also older than I am by 1.5 years. We talked about having kids even before we got married, and although our marriage has had its rough times, I always thought were both on the same page when it came to children. She recently told me she never wants to have kids. I feel cheated. My feeling is that she just doesn't have the ability to end our marriage and is hoping that I will end it for both of us if she says she doesn't want kids. I struggle every day with the thought of leaving her (I love her), but I have always wanted kids and am losing hope that she'll change her feelings. ↑ |
| Name: Sernina to Carrie | Date: Apr 21st, 2006 8:14 AM |
You two consider adpoting and older child?? I know it is not exxxxactly the same but maybe if the child were older you husbad might consider that? The older childern need adoptions more than the infants( They go first). JUst a thought. I alway wanted childern even when I was a kid myself. I am a god mother 5 times and am an Aunt for 6 kids. I am a step - mother of 2 childern..I still am sorry I never had my own. I have had a back surgery that did not go well.They say I should not have kids I can not even pick up a feather ler alone a child..But I do wish I had. I am luck to have so many childern in my life.They are my joy!
God bless and may you find peace regarding this and all matters of life. ↑ |
| Name: Tina | Date: Apr 22nd, 2006 1:42 PM |
| I am so relieved to read about others who are struggling with a similar issue. My husband and I also had talked about adopting kids before we got married. We even went to a pre-marital course for 12 weeks! We have been married only 2 years, but this is my first marriage (I'm 44 and my husband is 49) and his second. He has two grown children, ages 20 and 25. I have always, always wanted children, and even was a Big Sister to a little girl when I was 22 years old. I have premature ovarian failure and can't have a child biologically. He was open to the adoption idea before we married, and we talked about it quite a bit. He didn't have the same burning desire as I did, but he always made me believe that he would agree to it. Now, he has finally admitted that he doesn't want anymore children. I feel so betrayed, and cannot imagine my life without a child. I was even considering adoption as a single woman prior to meeting him, but I felt like it wouldn't be fair to the child. I am in agony about this, and can't seem to think about anything else. Because of my age, I know my options are limited, and getting more so as the months go by. We have been to counseling many, many times. My counselor just tells me...."we don't always get what we want out of life"!!! I'm not asking for a big house or a new car!! I just want to raise a child with the man I love. I need wisdom and counsel...before I go crazy!!! Any ideas or suggestions? ↑ |
| Name: Lisa | Date: Apr 22nd, 2006 2:59 PM |
| If you want kids and he does'nt,there's your answer.You are wasting your time.Unless you want alife with no kids.He said counseling won't change his mind about kids. If you end up accidentally pregnant you will definitely be raising that baby alone so you need to choose if you want a life with this man or if you want a life with kids in it. If it's him you want ,get your tubes tied. If its kids you want ,get a divorce and search for someone who wants the same things in life as you do cause it ain't this guy,sorry! ↑ |
| Name: Mary | Date: Apr 23rd, 2006 6:10 PM |
| I am 45 years old. Married for thirteen years. We have been together for nineteen years. My husband never wanted children and has made sure that would not happen, after we married. I had an abortion during our first year together. and he paid for it. I was confused over many issues and thought it was the right thing to do, if you can imagine. It was the worst decision of my life. I regret it every day. I hope it works out for you. I blame myself for my stupid decision. If I had only asked God what to do, it would have worked out. I was so lost. I am still suffering terribly. Please ask God what to do. ↑ |
| Name: Lynn | Date: Apr 24th, 2006 4:44 PM |
| My partner and I have an 8 year old child and he has an older child from a previous marriage. I have put off more children b/c he wanted to change careers etc knowing the whole time that I may want more children. We have been talking for the last year and some and he now tells me he doesn't think he wants more children. I am 35 and feeling upset about this. I do have a child and a step child and am very fortunate but I feel I may want another. I don't know what to do and I feel for CBA and would like some advice. ↑ |
| Name: can relate | Date: Apr 29th, 2006 12:58 AM |
| I can relate to you. My husband and I have been together for 9 years. We met as highscool sweethearts and we were married at 23 years old. When we got married and up until about a week ago I thought that he wanted to have a family someday. This is something that I cannot live without. We have had alot of downs lately but I never expected him to come to me and say I think I want different things out of life than you and I am not sure that I want children at all.We have decided to seek out a marriage counselor but In my heart I know that this could be the deal breaker in saving our marriage. I love him with all of my being and this is killing me inside. I really feel for you because I know what it feels like. You think your life is something one day and than you discover that everything can change at the bat of an eye. It is scary and so so painful. Iam trying so hard to keep my chin up and I hope you can too. If you really want children you can't deny yourself that because you will be resentful of him for the rest of your life if you settle on not having them and your heart tells you that being a mother will give you the most fulfilment you have ever had in life. ↑ |
| Name: Victoria | Date: May 5th, 2006 3:04 PM |
I already have a child who is nearly six with my husband, but soon after our son was born I decided that I would like to give him a sibling.
I told my husband that I wanted another child and was completely taken back when he refused to say yes to me. There are times I wished I had never asked him and just let it 'happen' but that time has past and I know he would resent the child if I had one now. So for 5 years I have asked him and he had refused, saying he doesnt want to go through sleepless nights, nappies and sick again! (I didnt see him do much the first time) I can't change his mind and as we have a child already to up and leave him would be selish, as he is a good dad to our son...so I have focused my energy on my career, son and education now. I have just set up a support group too which is for men and women in the same situation at http://groups.msn.com/wishingonababystar I think the title is quite adapt and I hope that eventually it will be a great support network for people like me. Best wishes to everyone else and I hope that you all eventually find peace and happiness. ↑ |
| Name: jennygirl47803@yahoo.com | Date: May 5th, 2006 4:54 PM |
| I am right there with you!!! Having a family is the only thing that matters to me in life. I feel like I have no purpose in life but to do just that. My husband was previously married and has children. After his youngest was born he had a vasectomy. When we started dating hubby promised me to get it reversed and we could have a family together. Now being married for 2 years he had the reversal procedure but says now he only did it so I would not be on his back about it. I am having trouble concieving on top of finding out of health problems that could harm the baby or I if I were to become pregnant. Well I am ready to take the next step in life NOW, so I would adopt, and even my sister has offered to carry for me with my egg and hubby sperm. He will not hear of it, he doesnt want the children he has why would he want more!! If a family is really your dream, find someone who you can share your dreams with. I know I am ready to. Good Luck to you and I wish you the best. ↑ |
| Name: Serina to CBA | Date: May 7th, 2006 8:23 PM |
| What is happening now?? ↑ |
| Name: Shelly | Date: Jul 6th, 2006 9:19 PM |
I am going through something similar right now, except that my husband and I love each other and get along very well. But he does not want children and I do. We tried working on this for about a year and a half. we lived apart (while still seeing each other 2x/wk) to have more time alone to think about what we really wanted. I thought I had convinced myself that I loved him too much to give him up jsut for kids. So we moved bakc in together 4 months ago and have been so happy and in love, like always. Except that I was obsessing, secretly, about accidentally getting pregnat. After the getting my period 5 days late this last time I realized that I just want children. It's how I envision my life. And if I'm goign to give that up I have to do it all on my own not for someone else, or it is not honest. SO, we are getting a divorce. And it's the most heart breaking experinece ever, but I can't stay and become a crazy lady or resent him. If happiness lies within, not in another person, then I know I can be happy without him, but it totally sucks. I am 30, as well. So my advice? Be true to yourself and everythign else will fall in place. Despite all the pain, I know this is true and it is the right decision in the long run.
Your husband may be using it as an excuse, though. Let him go. Life is too short to be with someone who doesn't want to be there. ↑ |
| Name: Mari | Date: Jul 7th, 2006 11:02 PM |
| I am glad that I stumpled on this.. i have been wanting to have children for about four years. My husband and I have been married for 12 years. At the beginning we both wanted children. But then his need for children has decreased year after year. I gave him an ultimatum four years ago but prefaced it nicely by saying that I don't want to have children and have you resent me and I don't want not to have children and resent you. I told him that he had to decide since my goals have never changed since we were engaged. Now four years later he is obsessed about finances and can't imagine being able to afford to have a child. I am having a hard time because having children is all I think about. I love him so much and don't want to say either we have children or we get a divorce. What makes things worst is that I don't know what to say as far as how we are going to manage. I am sorry that I am not being very helpful to you but I am in the same dilemma. The bottom line is you as well as I will need to lay the cards on the table and reiterate what we want. We will have to be prepared for what we will hear but to continue this way will only eat you up inside to the point where you will be resentful for staying with him and for waisting anymore of your fertile years with a man who keeps riding the fence. I am not ready for that talk yet but am planning to do it within the next few weeks. I just can't keep going on like this!! ↑ |
| Name: sylvia | Date: Jul 15th, 2006 5:28 PM |
| Name: Sandy | Date: Jul 17th, 2006 2:10 PM |
| Unfortunately, I am going throught the same thing right now. My husband and I have been married 9 years and have been together for 11. In the beginning we had decided that there was no rush to have a family. It was a good decision, as my husband is in the military and has been away on course, postings, or in the field for nearly 5 of our 9 years of marriage. I completed a second degree, found a great job and got settled. I've now been teaching for six years, we have a nice home and a comfortable life and I'm ready for the next phase. Unfortunately, my husband isn't, and has now made it clear that he doesn't like kids. I am shocked at how hurt and betrayed I feel. It isn't the fact that I may not have kids that is so devastating to me, but it's the fact that my husband doesn't want to have kids "with me". I can't help thinking: "what's wrong with me?", "why doesn't he look at me and crave to have children with me?". I guess I believe that wanting to have children is the ultimate expression of one's love for one another. I'm incredibly hurt, but what's worse is my husband is unapologetic. He doesn't even say things to make me feel better about myself. He's just straight to the point. I think I need to see a counsellor. I'm attractive, slim, intelligent, educated and funny. My husband is hard working, intelligent, kind and considerate; and we get along great as a couple. We have similar interests but we also have outside interests and friends. It is making me ill thinking about the junction we have arrived at as a couple. He is such an amazing man. Do I give that up to take the chance at meeting someone who will have a child with me? It's a huge risk and decision. I feel so hurt. ↑ |
| Name: Tara | Date: Jul 24th, 2006 7:23 PM |
I am reading your comments on your about marriage and children.
I work for a new show called "The Greg Behrendt Show."
Greg is a comedian who wrote for "Sex and the City" and is the author of
"He's Just Not That Into You."
I am currently working on a segment on the show about ultimatums and I believe this topic is perfect for this show. Would you be interested in talking to me about your relationship and desire for children?
Thanks for your time
Tara
The Greg Behrendt Show
castingguru@yahoo.com ↑ |
| Name: Joan | Date: Jul 25th, 2006 6:16 PM |
| All these emails are letting me know I am not alone. I have been married to my husband for five years. I am 41. He has a fifteen and nineteen year old. He said before we married that he would support my decision to have a child, but that his preference was not to have one. We have struggled through this child issue like all of you. When I don't make an issue of it, I see how wonderful he and our marriage can be. When I think of a child and broach the subject again, I hit a brick wall and feel desperately alone. I wonder how someone who says he loves me so much has no desire to raise a child with me. I love him, but this emptiness inside is killing me. I know that I have to leave him to have a child, most likely one I will raise on my own. Even if he changes his mind, I just can't have a child whose father does not want him or her. Life is too hard to start out that way. No one ever said loving is easy -- I just had no idea it would be this hard. ↑ |
| Name: victoria | Date: Jul 26th, 2006 6:04 PM |
Hello again hope that everyone is well, I just wanted to let everyone know that I have re-opened my free support group for people whos partners won't agree to have children, It's new and needs members and time to develop so please take a look at
http://groups.msn.com/
wishingonababystar
Thanks
x ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Jul 26th, 2006 6:36 PM |
| With a rocky past,why would you want to bring kids into the mix? I say go your separate ways and find someone who really does want kids as much as you do and make a fresh start. I think if you stay with this guy and have kids he doesn't really want then it's just going to lead to more stress,fights and arguments until he eventually walks out for good and leaves you struggling to pick up the pieces and figure out how to take care of your kids on your own without him. If you divorce now,you will be happier in the long run. ↑ |
| Name: lisa | Date: Sep 9th, 2006 2:21 PM |
| I'm 39 been married 10 years. I've been waiting for my husband to "be ready" to have kids for 8 years. Did counseling, I waited, he cheated, I waited, he needed time, I waited, his pets died, I waited, his dad died, I waited, we separated, I waited. I love him so much but after so many times I had finally had enough waiting. I'm devistated beyond comprehnsion, but I have to save myself from this overwhelming depression and resentment. We are getting a divorce now. I'm 39! will it ever happen for me? I doubt it, but I leave knowing I tried everything to convince him to have kids with me, I did everything he asked and wanted to make him have kids with me. Nothing worked. CRY, CRY, CRY, then take care of you. GOOD THINGS DON'T COME TO THOSE WHO WAIT!!!!!! I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but here we are....we can make it, I have to believe that. ↑ |
| Name: amanda | Date: Sep 10th, 2006 10:08 PM |
| I feel if that is what you want, go for it!! Leave him if you want!! I understand totally and im going through it too. It hurts to know that they dont care about your feelings. And that is how i feel. See, in my situation is its me that wants kids and he went and got a vasectomy without me wanting it. I asked him not too, and he swore at me and said that he didnt care. So, if its that important to you, you do what will make you happy and whats good for you!! Good luck!!! :) ↑ |
| Name: All i want Is A Couple of Kids | Date: Sep 22nd, 2006 1:35 AM |
| Hey everyone. This forum has been helpful, thanks for posting your stories. It helps to know I am not alone. I turned 30 this year and my husband and I have been married two years now. We dated about two years before getting married. We agreed before we got married that we would have 2 kids after being married 3 or 4 years. Now my husband is backing out of that agreement. My heart is breaking. It's the only thing in my life I don't have that I feel I can't live without. Do I wait another year or two and see if he comes around, or do I cut my losses now so I can move forward and have the 3 or 4 children I origionally wanted? I am feeling desperate and even suicidal lately. I have never been so down and distracted in my life other than when my mom passed away... It seems the only thing to do is end this now and pray that I find someone excited to share the joy of raising a family with me. It's a struggle to concentrate on my job and I just feel like crying most of the time. He does not care if he loses me over this. I can't go through life in despair and resentment and neither should the rest of you. The idea of divorce terrifies me but I know people who have done it and are better off now. Good luck to all of us. ↑ |
| Name: Mary Katherine | Date: Sep 22nd, 2006 11:14 PM |
| I'm reading these posts with a great deal of interest. If both partners are not ENTHUSIASTIC about wanting children, then you shouldn't have children. Full stop. But I can't imagine getting divorced over this; when you married, you married each other, for better or for worse. So you won't get something that you want; you might end up with a wonderful, exciting marriage instead. I don't mean to sound cavalier about it, but imagine if you couldn't have children, and your husband left you because of it. That doesn't seem right - he married YOU, not your womb. If he, mentally, can't have children because he does not want them and, accordingly, would be a poor father (whom you would end up resenting, no matter what you think), then you need to grieve and get on with it. Or divorce him and find a sperm donor, because it's not fair to the next man to marry him only for his willingness to procreate. If you really loved your husband, you would pray that he'd change his mind, but if he didn't, you'd still love him and accept his decision. ↑ |
| Name: Stacie | Date: Oct 2nd, 2006 2:48 AM |
| Hi everyone....this way of reaching out is very new to me. I am 38 years old, never married and no children. I have had many boyfriends and a fiance'. As much as I would like to think that I would be married by now....I truly believe I have not met the right man for me. I am attractive, smart and very happy with myself (and almost enjoy at times having my own time/freedom). However, I do believe I want to grow old with someone. I don't have yearning needs to be a mother. However, I am so in love with my niece I can't stand it. I also am very into my friends' children. I never imagined the thought of "not having children" as an option. As I get older, I realize it could be a reality. I met this man who I am growing extremely fond of. We have clicked in everyway. He has two boys and a vasectomy. At first he said he is learning to being open to having a child with a woman.... but it seems he is very protective of his world; which I understand. So now he is saying he's "not sure" if he wants more kids. I don't know if I am compromising myself to date him, fall in love and potentially give up the idea of being a mother. I don't want to be 50 and sorry....but I just don't know. Can anyone give me any advice? BTW...he and I are very new; dating a month. However, have had many open talks and time together. ↑ |
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