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I am 30 years old, my husband and i have been together for 6 years and have been married for 4 years, before we got married we have talked about having a family.
our relationship during the last 3 years has been extremelt rocky and he even left the house for a month, recently we have decided to try and fix our relationship and go to counsling, but now he came up with something new, he doesn't want to have kids, for me this has been the only thing that really matters in life, i have talked to him about waiting untill we both feel that our relationship is stable and this will not be something that we will rush into and with counsling he might feel differently about this. He had told me that even with counsling he just doesnt want to have kids, I really need advice about this, Do you think this is an excuse for him to leave me, i especially interested in advice from other women who went through something similar. Thank you, ? |
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I have a friend who went through something similar and she left the guy and adopted a baby. I hate to give advice when it concerns love but you need to hold yourself in higher esteem and find yourself a man who wants the same great life you want. Kick the guy to the curb, before you spend the remainder of your biological clock ticking days trying to talk him into something that he's just not going to do. Good luck.
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I have an amazing boyfriend and a great relationship. We have been together for years and I cannot imagine a life without him. BUT I always dreamed of being a mother and he decided he doesnt want kids. In fact he wants to be fixed. I am 25 and cannot decide what to do either. Feel free to send advice to me as well! I wish there was an easy answer
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Having my babies is the most important thing in my life if my husband ever said we couldn't have anymore I would have to leave him. Your clock is ticking you had better work it out with him or leave before it is too late to find someone who shares your dreams.
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I've learned that if a man isn't good with other kids such as neices,nephews,& a friends kids that he isn't going to be good with his own no matter what anyone tells you. If a man isn't ready to have kids the biggest mistake you can make is try to force him into having one. In the end it causes more problems in the marriage, then those problems will most likely lead to divorce anyway. It's best to walk away sooner rather than later...because later may mean putting the child you forced him to have in the middle of a messy divorce.
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I'm going through the same thing. My husband has two kids from a previous marriage. His ex is completely out of the kids' lives, and I have raised them as their mother. We've been together for 9 years and now, after 5 years of marriage, my husband tells me he doesn't want any more kids. Before we got married, we planned on having 5 kids of our own - we even talked about names. Now he says he will never want more kids and I need to deal with it or leave. What's worse, staying with my husband and never having kids, or leaving and trying to find love somewhere else?
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I will be 31 this year. I've been married for 7 years. When we first discussed marriage, my husband said that he wasn't sure if he would want kids, but was leaning towards having them. Now, he says he does not want them. His reasoning is that he is finally entering a time in his life when he feels he is living for himself, and not for someone else's expectations. He is finally pursuing his dreams of attending law school. Afterwards, he wants to find a good job, make some decent money, and travel. He's afraid of making such a huge commitment of time and money before he can enjoy it himself. I fully understand what he is saying. I often feel the same way. But, I pointed out to him that I want to have a family and grandchildren, and I don't want to worry about later-pregnancy risks (such as Down's syndrome, infertility, etc). I told my husband that I did not want a divorce, and that I wanted to have a family with him because I knew he would be an excellent father. He does not want to lose me over this. This discussion will be continued, but at least we're talking about it, and not fighting. I think there may be hope for us. With your situation, your husband sounds pretty set with his feelings on the matter. If he were more willing to consider kids as an option, I would say stick with it. However, it looks like you will need to make a difficult decision on whether to stay or go.
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try not to focus on having kids part and work on the marrage. He may not want kids becuse you two are not getting along and a child might make matters worse.He may have just decided he does not want them but give it time. He may not really know what he wants with things they way they are ya cant blame him.
If after some time he still does not want kids what will you do?Would you leave... adopt... spirm bank???How long have you guys been in couseling? Good luck = |
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It's not just women who are go through such ordeals. I'm 35 years old and about two years ago my wife told me she doesn't want to have children. Our story is similar to yours, although we've been together longer (13 years) and have been married 7 years (next month). My wife is also older than I am by 1.5 years. We talked about having kids even before we got married, and although our marriage has had its rough times, I always thought were both on the same page when it came to children. She recently told me she never wants to have kids. I feel cheated. My feeling is that she just doesn't have the ability to end our marriage and is hoping that I will end it for both of us if she says she doesn't want kids. I struggle every day with the thought of leaving her (I love her), but I have always wanted kids and am losing hope that she'll change her feelings.
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You two consider adpoting and older child?? I know it is not exxxxactly the same but maybe if the child were older you husbad might consider that? The older childern need adoptions more than the infants( They go first). JUst a thought. I alway wanted childern even when I was a kid myself. I am a god mother 5 times and am an Aunt for 6 kids. I am a step - mother of 2 childern..I still am sorry I never had my own. I have had a back surgery that did not go well.They say I should not have kids I can not even pick up a feather ler alone a child..But I do wish I had. I am luck to have so many childern in my life.They are my joy!
God bless and may you find peace regarding this and all matters of life. = |
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I am so relieved to read about others who are struggling with a similar issue. My husband and I also had talked about adopting kids before we got married. We even went to a pre-marital course for 12 weeks! We have been married only 2 years, but this is my first marriage (I'm 44 and my husband is 49) and his second. He has two grown children, ages 20 and 25. I have always, always wanted children, and even was a Big Sister to a little girl when I was 22 years old. I have premature ovarian failure and can't have a child biologically. He was open to the adoption idea before we married, and we talked about it quite a bit. He didn't have the same burning desire as I did, but he always made me believe that he would agree to it. Now, he has finally admitted that he doesn't want anymore children. I feel so betrayed, and cannot imagine my life without a child. I was even considering adoption as a single woman prior to meeting him, but I felt like it wouldn't be fair to the child. I am in agony about this, and can't seem to think about anything else. Because of my age, I know my options are limited, and getting more so as the months go by. We have been to counseling many, many times. My counselor just tells me...."we don't always get what we want out of life"!!! I'm not asking for a big house or a new car!! I just want to raise a child with the man I love. I need wisdom and counsel...before I go crazy!!! Any ideas or suggestions?
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If you want kids and he does'nt,there's your answer.You are wasting your time.Unless you want alife with no kids.He said counseling won't change his mind about kids. If you end up accidentally pregnant you will definitely be raising that baby alone so you need to choose if you want a life with this man or if you want a life with kids in it. If it's him you want ,get your tubes tied. If its kids you want ,get a divorce and search for someone who wants the same things in life as you do cause it ain't this guy,sorry!
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I am 45 years old. Married for thirteen years. We have been together for nineteen years. My husband never wanted children and has made sure that would not happen, after we married. I had an abortion during our first year together. and he paid for it. I was confused over many issues and thought it was the right thing to do, if you can imagine. It was the worst decision of my life. I regret it every day. I hope it works out for you. I blame myself for my stupid decision. If I had only asked God what to do, it would have worked out. I was so lost. I am still suffering terribly. Please ask God what to do.
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My partner and I have an 8 year old child and he has an older child from a previous marriage. I have put off more children b/c he wanted to change careers etc knowing the whole time that I may want more children. We have been talking for the last year and some and he now tells me he doesn't think he wants more children. I am 35 and feeling upset about this. I do have a child and a step child and am very fortunate but I feel I may want another. I don't know what to do and I feel for CBA and would like some advice.
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I can relate to you. My husband and I have been together for 9 years. We met as highscool sweethearts and we were married at 23 years old. When we got married and up until about a week ago I thought that he wanted to have a family someday. This is something that I cannot live without. We have had alot of downs lately but I never expected him to come to me and say I think I want different things out of life than you and I am not sure that I want children at all.We have decided to seek out a marriage counselor but In my heart I know that this could be the deal breaker in saving our marriage. I love him with all of my being and this is killing me inside. I really feel for you because I know what it feels like. You think your life is something one day and than you discover that everything can change at the bat of an eye. It is scary and so so painful. Iam trying so hard to keep my chin up and I hope you can too. If you really want children you can't deny yourself that because you will be resentful of him for the rest of your life if you settle on not having them and your heart tells you that being a mother will give you the most fulfilment you have ever had in life.
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I already have a child who is nearly six with my husband, but soon after our son was born I decided that I would like to give him a sibling.
I told my husband that I wanted another child and was completely taken back when he refused to say yes to me. There are times I wished I had never asked him and just let it 'happen' but that time has past and I know he would resent the child if I had one now. So for 5 years I have asked him and he had refused, saying he doesnt want to go through sleepless nights, nappies and sick again! (I didnt see him do much the first time) I can't change his mind and as we have a child already to up and leave him would be selish, as he is a good dad to our son...so I have focused my energy on my career, son and education now. I have just set up a support group too which is for men and women in the same situation at http://groups.msn.com/wishingonababystar I think the title is quite adapt and I hope that eventually it will be a great support network for people like me. Best wishes to everyone else and I hope that you all eventually find peace and happiness. = |
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I am right there with you!!! Having a family is the only thing that matters to me in life. I feel like I have no purpose in life but to do just that. My husband was previously married and has children. After his youngest was born he had a vasectomy. When we started dating hubby promised me to get it reversed and we could have a family together. Now being married for 2 years he had the reversal procedure but says now he only did it so I would not be on his back about it. I am having trouble concieving on top of finding out of health problems that could harm the baby or I if I were to become pregnant. Well I am ready to take the next step in life NOW, so I would adopt, and even my sister has offered to carry for me with my egg and hubby sperm. He will not hear of it, he doesnt want the children he has why would he want more!! If a family is really your dream, find someone who you can share your dreams with. I know I am ready to. Good Luck to you and I wish you the best.
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What is happening now??
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I am going through something similar right now, except that my husband and I love each other and get along very well. But he does not want children and I do. We tried working on this for about a year and a half. we lived apart (while still seeing each other 2x/wk) to have more time alone to think about what we really wanted. I thought I had convinced myself that I loved him too much to give him up jsut for kids. So we moved bakc in together 4 months ago and have been so happy and in love, like always. Except that I was obsessing, secretly, about accidentally getting pregnat. After the getting my period 5 days late this last time I realized that I just want children. It's how I envision my life. And if I'm goign to give that up I have to do it all on my own not for someone else, or it is not honest. SO, we are getting a divorce. And it's the most heart breaking experinece ever, but I can't stay and become a crazy lady or resent him. If happiness lies within, not in another person, then I know I can be happy without him, but it totally sucks. I am 30, as well. So my advice? Be true to yourself and everythign else will fall in place. Despite all the pain, I know this is true and it is the right decision in the long run.
Your husband may be using it as an excuse, though. Let him go. Life is too short to be with someone who doesn't want to be there. = |
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I am glad that I stumpled on this.. i have been wanting to have children for about four years. My husband and I have been married for 12 years. At the beginning we both wanted children. But then his need for children has decreased year after year. I gave him an ultimatum four years ago but prefaced it nicely by saying that I don't want to have children and have you resent me and I don't want not to have children and resent you. I told him that he had to decide since my goals have never changed since we were engaged. Now four years later he is obsessed about finances and can't imagine being able to afford to have a child. I am having a hard time because having children is all I think about. I love him so much and don't want to say either we have children or we get a divorce. What makes things worst is that I don't know what to say as far as how we are going to manage. I am sorry that I am not being very helpful to you but I am in the same dilemma. The bottom line is you as well as I will need to lay the cards on the table and reiterate what we want. We will have to be prepared for what we will hear but to continue this way will only eat you up inside to the point where you will be resentful for staying with him and for waisting anymore of your fertile years with a man who keeps riding the fence. I am not ready for that talk yet but am planning to do it within the next few weeks. I just can't keep going on like this!!
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hi
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Unfortunately, I am going throught the same thing right now. My husband and I have been married 9 years and have been together for 11. In the beginning we had decided that there was no rush to have a family. It was a good decision, as my husband is in the military and has been away on course, postings, or in the field for nearly 5 of our 9 years of marriage. I completed a second degree, found a great job and got settled. I've now been teaching for six years, we have a nice home and a comfortable life and I'm ready for the next phase. Unfortunately, my husband isn't, and has now made it clear that he doesn't like kids. I am shocked at how hurt and betrayed I feel. It isn't the fact that I may not have kids that is so devastating to me, but it's the fact that my husband doesn't want to have kids "with me". I can't help thinking: "what's wrong with me?", "why doesn't he look at me and crave to have children with me?". I guess I believe that wanting to have children is the ultimate expression of one's love for one another. I'm incredibly hurt, but what's worse is my husband is unapologetic. He doesn't even say things to make me feel better about myself. He's just straight to the point. I think I need to see a counsellor. I'm attractive, slim, intelligent, educated and funny. My husband is hard working, intelligent, kind and considerate; and we get along great as a couple. We have similar interests but we also have outside interests and friends. It is making me ill thinking about the junction we have arrived at as a couple. He is such an amazing man. Do I give that up to take the chance at meeting someone who will have a child with me? It's a huge risk and decision. I feel so hurt.
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I am reading your comments on your about marriage and children.
I work for a new show called "The Greg Behrendt Show." Greg is a comedian who wrote for "Sex and the City" and is the author of "He's Just Not That Into You." I am currently working on a segment on the show about ultimatums and I believe this topic is perfect for this show. Would you be interested in talking to me about your relationship and desire for children? Thanks for your time Tara The Greg Behrendt Show castingguru@yahoo.com = |
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All these emails are letting me know I am not alone. I have been married to my husband for five years. I am 41. He has a fifteen and nineteen year old. He said before we married that he would support my decision to have a child, but that his preference was not to have one. We have struggled through this child issue like all of you. When I don't make an issue of it, I see how wonderful he and our marriage can be. When I think of a child and broach the subject again, I hit a brick wall and feel desperately alone. I wonder how someone who says he loves me so much has no desire to raise a child with me. I love him, but this emptiness inside is killing me. I know that I have to leave him to have a child, most likely one I will raise on my own. Even if he changes his mind, I just can't have a child whose father does not want him or her. Life is too hard to start out that way. No one ever said loving is easy -- I just had no idea it would be this hard.
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Hello again hope that everyone is well, I just wanted to let everyone know that I have re-opened my free support group for people whos partners won't agree to have children, It's new and needs members and time to develop so please take a look at
http://groups.msn.com/ wishingonababystar Thanks x = |
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With a rocky past,why would you want to bring kids into the mix? I say go your separate ways and find someone who really does want kids as much as you do and make a fresh start. I think if you stay with this guy and have kids he doesn't really want then it's just going to lead to more stress,fights and arguments until he eventually walks out for good and leaves you struggling to pick up the pieces and figure out how to take care of your kids on your own without him. If you divorce now,you will be happier in the long run.
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I'm 39 been married 10 years. I've been waiting for my husband to "be ready" to have kids for 8 years. Did counseling, I waited, he cheated, I waited, he needed time, I waited, his pets died, I waited, his dad died, I waited, we separated, I waited. I love him so much but after so many times I had finally had enough waiting. I'm devistated beyond comprehnsion, but I have to save myself from this overwhelming depression and resentment. We are getting a divorce now. I'm 39! will it ever happen for me? I doubt it, but I leave knowing I tried everything to convince him to have kids with me, I did everything he asked and wanted to make him have kids with me. Nothing worked. CRY, CRY, CRY, then take care of you. GOOD THINGS DON'T COME TO THOSE WHO WAIT!!!!!! I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but here we are....we can make it, I have to believe that.
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I feel if that is what you want, go for it!! Leave him if you want!! I understand totally and im going through it too. It hurts to know that they dont care about your feelings. And that is how i feel. See, in my situation is its me that wants kids and he went and got a vasectomy without me wanting it. I asked him not too, and he swore at me and said that he didnt care. So, if its that important to you, you do what will make you happy and whats good for you!! Good luck!!! :)
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Hey everyone. This forum has been helpful, thanks for posting your stories. It helps to know I am not alone. I turned 30 this year and my husband and I have been married two years now. We dated about two years before getting married. We agreed before we got married that we would have 2 kids after being married 3 or 4 years. Now my husband is backing out of that agreement. My heart is breaking. It's the only thing in my life I don't have that I feel I can't live without. Do I wait another year or two and see if he comes around, or do I cut my losses now so I can move forward and have the 3 or 4 children I origionally wanted? I am feeling desperate and even suicidal lately. I have never been so down and distracted in my life other than when my mom passed away... It seems the only thing to do is end this now and pray that I find someone excited to share the joy of raising a family with me. It's a struggle to concentrate on my job and I just feel like crying most of the time. He does not care if he loses me over this. I can't go through life in despair and resentment and neither should the rest of you. The idea of divorce terrifies me but I know people who have done it and are better off now. Good luck to all of us.
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I'm reading these posts with a great deal of interest. If both partners are not ENTHUSIASTIC about wanting children, then you shouldn't have children. Full stop. But I can't imagine getting divorced over this; when you married, you married each other, for better or for worse. So you won't get something that you want; you might end up with a wonderful, exciting marriage instead. I don't mean to sound cavalier about it, but imagine if you couldn't have children, and your husband left you because of it. That doesn't seem right - he married YOU, not your womb. If he, mentally, can't have children because he does not want them and, accordingly, would be a poor father (whom you would end up resenting, no matter what you think), then you need to grieve and get on with it. Or divorce him and find a sperm donor, because it's not fair to the next man to marry him only for his willingness to procreate. If you really loved your husband, you would pray that he'd change his mind, but if he didn't, you'd still love him and accept his decision.
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Hi everyone....this way of reaching out is very new to me. I am 38 years old, never married and no children. I have had many boyfriends and a fiance'. As much as I would like to think that I would be married by now....I truly believe I have not met the right man for me. I am attractive, smart and very happy with myself (and almost enjoy at times having my own time/freedom). However, I do believe I want to grow old with someone. I don't have yearning needs to be a mother. However, I am so in love with my niece I can't stand it. I also am very into my friends' children. I never imagined the thought of "not having children" as an option. As I get older, I realize it could be a reality. I met this man who I am growing extremely fond of. We have clicked in everyway. He has two boys and a vasectomy. At first he said he is learning to being open to having a child with a woman.... but it seems he is very protective of his world; which I understand. So now he is saying he's "not sure" if he wants more kids. I don't know if I am compromising myself to date him, fall in love and potentially give up the idea of being a mother. I don't want to be 50 and sorry....but I just don't know. Can anyone give me any advice? BTW...he and I are very new; dating a month. However, have had many open talks and time together.
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Stacie,this is something you really need to put some hard thought into. Weigh the facts: he cannot have anymore kids. If you think for even a moment that you could possibly regret someday NOT having kids of your own, then you should find someone else to share your life with. Even if you don't want kids right now doesn't mean you won't change your mind a couple years down the line. As much enjoyment as you get from your niece and your friends kids,I would think that eventually you are going to want your own. Don't settle short. Think about it.
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I am in a similar situaion. I am 32 an my fiance of 3 months just decided that he doesn't want anymore children. He has tw kids 5 and 7 from a previous marriage but this would be my first marriage and I have no kids of my own. We had discussed having children before the engagement and we were both excited but he just changed his mind 2 days ago and I am devistated! Please help. How can I choose between the man I love and the joy of having a baby that I have always dreamed of.
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im sorry for your pain. my sister went through the same situation and he ment it he went the next week and got cut without discussing it with her. all i know is, if your marriage is on rocks, there no reason to bring a baby into the world because all it would do is cause more pain
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girl i went throught a lot of sh** like that he playing games what i believe coming from a woman that he cheating he find somebody he dont want to hurt yo feeling so he playing it off like that now its time for u to be a woman in address him on these issue .
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My advice to anyone who's having problems getting/keeping/conceiving children: ADOPT FROM UKRAINE. Wow, I cannot believe the fact that there are over 100,000 children under the age of 6 who are just waiting to be adopted. The economy is such crap down there that the place is just busting with unwanted kids. The only problem is that they don't understand english so that's a bit of a problem, but then they're young and they'l learn fast.
As for my wife, she told me that kids were in her plans, now 7 years later she's really into her accounting career and has so many other guy friends that she's not sure if she wants kids with me or not. My take on this is that she's hot for some other guy at work and I'm busted, so I'm making plans to move on and find someone who will want to make a life with me. I've done everything for my wife, buying her a house, car, putting her through college and grad school, now she spends more time partying and going out to clubs than she spends time going out with me. Not only that, she refuses to hold hands, saying that she's "uncomfortable with that". I guess women can be very cruel and just don't understand that a man's heart can be broken just as easily as a woman's heart. Take care everyone and I wish everyone the best of health and happiness. = |
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I'm glad to hear that someone else is going through the same thing that I am going through. My husband and I agreed before we got married that we would have children. Now he is saying that he may never want them. We are going to try marriage counseling, and I hope it works. I can't imagine divorcing him, but I would if it came down to children or not. We have been so happy with our relationship until now. I can't imagine moving on without him.
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Does anyone have any advice for me?
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I can totally relate to Mari and Sandy. What happened to either of you? Did your situation get resolved? Do you have any advice for me?
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I am in the same situation currently. I want kids and my husband does not. I know it is a tough decision to make, but we're both better off divorcing and finding those someones who will give us children. If not, we'll regret not having children down the road. Hope this helps you out some.
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It is a huge decision! I have been really happy with my husband for 4 years. We have shared alot of happy memories. I just can't imagine moving on without him. I definitely know that I want children though.
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Gosh Ladies, I'm sure this is tough. I know if it was me and my husband didn't want any, it would drive me insane. However, I am a strong willed person and I would be afraid I would start to feel resentment towards him for not wanting any children. Even if you just limited to only one child, he still wouldn't go for it? You could tell him that you would be willing to get your tubes tied after you had the child. Try to tell him that you have so much love to share inside of you that you want to share it with your own child. Perhaps you could tell him that you would like one for a birthday, anniversay, Christmas present. Give him all the good attributes about having a child together. How much it would make your love for each other grow stronger. Having a child together would give you both the feelings that you never thought you could ever have. Especially, on the day of delivery, it would probably bring tears to his eyes watching and helping you deliver a little person that the both of you created together out of pure wholesome love for each other. Perhaps you had these kinds of talks with him but try to hit his heart strings. See what he says. Tell him you want to be able to leave all your worldly possessions to an heir of your own. You want to be able to teach your child things that you were taught when you were a little girl. Perhaps he's afraid that having a child would change your feelings towards him. Talk with him and see what he says. I'm sorry your experiencing this but I do hope he's willing to see how much this means to you and maybe he would be willing to share his love, too. I wish you well and hope for the best.
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im 30 years old and I have been married for 5 years today was our aniversary, and he just left me 4 days ago, He told me he want children when we got married, the first two years I didnt want them as my personal plann, but then it was time to have them , he never show any intrested, through the years he always come up with an excuse a different one all the time.
I come from a big family of 6 bros and sis, all have at least 2 children, all are married now, he has a sister and brother who has children and cousins whom they have children too. I though he will want them later, we talked and said we will have one, only one , he is 47years so i understood that one its a great number. Now he is gone I don;t even know where he is, we lost respect for each other for the last 2 years. He was violent since the first year of marriague, but he change this last year, keep analizing just make sad , confuse, I reallly would like to give you some advice on this one, but truly i don;t understand men, he could be the sweetest person ever, and the extremaly mean, his threats just made me sick and stayed in home all day, with a lot of fear. Seems we are not in the same situation, he lie to our counselor so I couldn't accept go through counseling, since he lie to them one time. maybe try to find out the real true why he doesnt want kids, and if u accept that situation keep your marriegue, but if you don't, maybe is time to have a long break with your husband. = |
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hi all. wondering what if anyone's issues got resolved or broke up/divorce or had kids?
i am having similar issue w/ a man i met a year and half a go. we both thought we were the one, he has 2 children from previous marriage i have none and was 37 when we met and made it clear what i wanted , marriage, kids etc. he said he was ok w/another baby. I brought it up several times prior to our first anniversary and he still was not opposed to it. now he is.. he doesn't want to lose me, but he doesn't want anymore children. says he doesn't want to go down that road again. I felt betrayed when he changed his mind. I felt like if not w/ me then he doesn't love ME enough. when I know this is more a female feeling than a male. they don't feel that way. I know he has past fears etc. but clearly he has said no now and we just discussed getting engaged, moving in together and have always seen eachother in our futures.. my worries are my clock is ticking but i love this man. he was everything ihad been looking for and I can't believe i finally found it an then this.. = |
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Hi everyone, my situation is different, my husband and I always knew we wanted kids, I had a miscarriage 3 years ago, our marriage has been very bad the past year, we separated Jan 3rd, I found out the 17th I am pregnant, he seemed very excited, but hasn't mentioned anything about fixing our marriage, he wants to party and be irresponsible, he is 30 we have been together for 6.5 years and dated for 3.5... it has been a week and he hasn't called me, not once to say hi, I come from a mother who raised me and my brothers totally on her own, I never had my father in my life, so I always had the dream of havinga family, now it seems like I'm going to be on my own, if you guys want to have children, then take that route and leave everyone else behind, because if you stay you might regret it.... I have a friend that said that if she were in my shoes, she would get an abortion, why have a child with someone that isn't going to be there she says, but I can't bare the thought of giving up my baby, just because the father was immature, what if God punishes me and never ever gives me children.... so to have a child is a blessing, and it is a special bond that no man can give you, when you feel that baby inside your belly, you know that it is your baby, and there will not be a greater love than that child.... so my suggestions to you all, if the husband new for a fact that you wanted to have children, they agreed to it, before you guys were married, and know out of the blue, he backs out, that is unacceptable, and you should feel cheated and betrayed that he has been leading you on, knowing for a fact that it was something that was discussed before the marriage.... I think that to have children takes your marriage into the next level, it is fun... so all those men they are just being SELFISH....
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wow.. this really helped. I am going through the exact same thing. It became apparent last night that it was an option.. the guy or the life I always wanted. Marriage does change things.. and it sucks. Thanks so much for ur post.. I really appreciate it. I'd like an update if at all possible though.
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my reply was actually meant for shelly...
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I am in the same situation. My husband I talked of having one child before we were married. I wanted 4 or more but because of my love for him i said okay. We havew been married 12 yrs and now he says he has changed his mind. I am having fertility problems so he will not take the steps for us to have a baby. I am crushed. It has changed my personality so much. When I am alone I cry all the time. He is a good man and we had a wonderful relationship. I am hurt and feel so betrayed. The thought of getting older without a child is killing me. I feel as though he has given me a life-death sentence. I am living to die for I do not believe in suicide. I feel so sad and when I see people in the street with their babies I feel so unworthy. I am at the point where I can't go out anymore because I cry when I see families. I don't know what to do. My life was not supposed to turn out this way. I love my husband but I am having a hard time feeling the way I used to feel towards him. I am so disappointed in him.
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I sympathize with you (my story is below and ongoin). It seems he is set in his way. There are tons of men that would like to have a family with you. Why struggle? It will be so difficult (though rewarding) why not choose a partner who wants to make this amazing journey with you. You are still young and a good five years from a problem pregnancy. Go travel!
I wish you the best. A similar issue with me. We have been together for 12 years, 5 of which are married. I'm 31 and he told me that he did not want children, but he was willing to have them to keeep from losing me. Our relationship has been a struggle, but I have worked hard (been to counseling). I have always wanted children and that was always clear. He know has put all these conditions to us buying a home or having children. The date he set was in 2008 September. I don't know if I trust him after he was already dishonest. We were seperated for six months last year over the issue, but I think I may divorce him. = |
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i see it like this, because i am the same way.. dating is no problem beacuse if dont want to date the person anymore than all you have to do is say the word and its over, getting married isnt a big deal anymore because you can still leave the person all you have to do is sign a paper and be done with them... BUT when theirs children involved its the ultimate tie down, yes you can still divorce but because you have his children he can never "leave" he still would have to see you when he picks them up or deal with you when he pays child support every month.. i think he may be unsure about the marriage and the only way to prove it is to call him out on it
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My husband and I are both 31, we have been together for 8 years, married 5. Early in our relationship I had an abortion, (which I regret) but when we were talking about getting married, I made a point to tell him I wanted children and if he didn't...I did not want to marry him. We have a good relationship but I always feared when it was time to pro create he would give me push back. I finally talked to him about it in Sept of last year and he was agreeable, then 4 months later he told me he didn't want to have kids right now and if I did then I needed to find someone else. I am so hurt, I feel so betrayed by him. I can not blame him for his feelings but the way he did it with no remorse, it really got to me. I would have hoped that he would have been tormented about how he would tell me. It was devastating, I think it says alot about how he feels about me and my needs in this relationship. We are in counseling now but I am feeling like I need to get out of this marriage. I am unhappy, after he told me he didn't want to have kids right now, he got worse, I felt like staying after that gave him a free pass to treat me bad. I deserve to have the desires of my heart and I work hard at everything I do. We sat in counseling and he said I was a great wife....so what's the problem? I feel that he isn't really "IN" this for the long haul....I am so glad to find this site....I wanted to see how others are dealing with this? I felt like I was alone......I feel so cheated! Divorce will be difficult because I truly wanted to be with him for life, but there are things I want and I shouldn't be afraid to express them. I am praying about this but I feel like I am to a point that I can't hear god. I know what I want and it is hard to know what is god and what is me...Any advice anyone can give me I would appreciate.
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Your 30 years old. You know what you want what are you waiting for! Lifes to short.
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I have just logged on to this site for the first time as I needed to seek some support and guidance. It's good to hear everyone else's dilemma it's such a difficult position to be in. I never dreamed I would be in this situation, feeling like I have to decide between the love of my life and a possibility of meeting another wonderful man who does want children. It may not happen and I don't want to finish what otherwise is a good relationship for the possibility that I may meet someone else who may want or can have children. I feel like I'm in a no win situation.
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I am 32 years old and also in similar situation. My husband and I already have 2 children under 3. I would like another and we've talked about this but hubby is reluctant and feels two is sufficient and does not want any more. We have been together for 8 yrs and married for 4. I had made it very clear that I was born to be a mother and would love lots of children. My husband again said today on a serious note that he doesn't want any more children. I am heartbroken and reading all the responses brought tears to my eyes. I feel for you CBA.
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So many women going through this same problem. The dilemma: do I leave this man that I feel is the 'one' for me? or do I stay and give up the possibility of having a child? What if I leave to find someone who wants a baby just like I do but I don't find anyone? Then I gave up what otherwise was a good relationship for nothing because in the end I lose this relationship and end up not having the child I long for. Am I just being selfish? Do I only want a child to fulfill my ego? That's what he says. He's able to separate any kind of emotion out of it and make it seem as though if all I'm thinking of is myself. My wants. My needs. "Why do you want children? Don't you love me? Aren't you happy with me? Is it so bad for only both of us being together until we get older?"
Only difference between my situation and most of yours is that I have two children from a previous marriage. They're 14 and 12 years old. And I'm only 31 years old. He just turned 32 years old. He doesn't have any children because he says he's never wanted any. Although in the beginning of our relationship, he was open to the possibility of having a child with me in a few years, now , over a year later, he is completely opposed to it. Why? Because he's never wanted any. And he doesn't know why he agreed to it before. He made a mistake. He feels I should be content with the two children I already have. There's no logic as to why I want another one, he claims. I try to explain that although I have two children, I want another child. The relationship we are in is great and I could see myself raising a child with him. He is great with my kids. He goes to my son's soccer games, kid's graduations, gets along great with my daughter. He loves his nieces. He can hardly wait for the weekends to go see his sister's kids and play with them. So, he's a great stepfather and uncle, and will give me advice on how to best raise mine, and criticize those who have kids because, "if that were my kid, I'd......" But he doesn't want us to have any kids together. So should I just give up my desire for another child? am I truly being selfish? should I settle for what I have now? I know if I stay, I'm giving up my desire for another child. But I know in the long run, I'll resent him for it. If I leave, who knows if I'll find someone that I get along with as well as this guy. He's great in every other way. All I know is, this guy wants us to move to another state in a few years, buy a home, and spend the rest of our lives together, enjoying each others company. Makes us sound like senior citizens, doesn't it? And I don't feel that old. The way I see it.....it's a waste of space for us to buy a home if we're not going to raise a family in it. In about 4-5 years, my current children will be going off to college. Now, still wondering.......is that enough for me? Me, him, and an empty house..... Good luck to us all.. = |
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If you guys have a rocky past then you probably shouldn't bring kids into the mix. I say you should go seperate ways and if you knew he didn't want kids in the past and you did, then why'd you two get married (not being mean). Just saying...if you SERIOUSLY WANT KIDS, it 's time for a divorce. Maybe you'll find a man who loves you, you love him, and you both want children.
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I emphasize with you that have to make one of life's hardest decisions. I am also, as many of you, in a difficult situation. I am 39 and have no children. Half a year ago I met a wonderful man 48 years old with 2 kids from previous marriage. We love each other. He does not want any more children and says he has enough problems with the 2 he already has. I am longing to have a child but it is already late, and who knows, perhaps I can not get pregnant.? I understand him but also feel this is poisoning our relationship which I don't want. I have had problems getting into relationships the last 10 years because of a destructive separation (my fiancee left me without reason before our wedding) that I could not handle very well. But finally, 10 years later, I dared to getting involved again in a loving relationship, and then this? No kids???
I honestly don't know what to do. It is tearing me apart. Please help with advice. = |
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This is my first time on this site, or any chat room of any sort. I feel so lost and sad I don't really know what else to do. I have been married for 11 years and have 2 children a seven year old boy and 4 year old girl. I know some of you would say, "oh, the perfect family". Except I want a baby and my husband doesn't. I think I've known deep down inside for about a year now, but I just didn't push the issue and just made subtle references to "well...if we have another baby..." I got my IUD out in June, which I was totally honest with my husband about. He never said don't but he didn't seem "on board" either. Everybody that knows me knows I am desperately wanting a bigger family, not just for me but for my kids too.
We just got back from my hometown and we spent at least 1/2 of the first leg of the LONG road trip SCREAMING at eachother. Yes, I feel like a crappy mom just because of that. I thought my son had his headphones on listening to the movie but he heard ALL of it. I spent the next 1/2 of the trip crying behind my sunglasses. For me, for my kids, and for the loss of my dream. I would look over at my husband and I admit I feel like I hate him. I actually did get get pregnant upon the removal of the IUD. Talk about fertile! But alas it was not meant to be as I miscarried right after learning I was pregnant. My husband's reaction was my first indication that he didn't want this. I think he was just not wanting to say absolutely No, to avoid what is happening now. So now we are at a cross roads in our marriage. Not have a baby and give him what he wants, or force this issue and possibly destroy my marriage and the family. The idea of doing that kills me as I know it would destroy my kids. Especially my son. But I don't know how to deal with the way I feel. I fear I will regret this for the rest of my life and it will cause such deep resentment toward my husband. Are we doomed? I don't know the answers. = |
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IF he doesn't want to have children, and you do, then you need to leave him and find someone who has the same life goals that you do. IF you think he's just making excuses then I would say that you need to find someone who respects you enough to be honest about what he wants. If he wants to leave you, he should say so, and not bring your heartfelt desire to have children into it. I have two children and would like more but my husband doesn't want any more, and that is causing me no end of heartache - you must feel a hundred times more pain. You owe it to yourself to find someone who will support you in what you need. Human beings, especially women, are programmed to want to have children, and I don't believe that this urge can be sublimated or denied in favour or a male/female 'love' match. Good luck.
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I'm desperate for children and have wanted to have a baby since I got married over 2 years ago. My husband always knew I wanted kids and he wanted them to but he wanted to wait a couple of years. Now the couple of years has passed and he says he's not sure. I'm heartbroken. I get so upset and cry a lot. I have left him a couple of times, only to return to him a few days later after he has promised me a baby. But when i go back to him, he breaks his promise yet again. I'm seriously think of getting a divorce because I am certain that I can't be happy without kids. It's so hard because I love him so much, but i know i will be resentful if I stay with him and not have kids.
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o.k. you really want kids right? well if you really want them and he does not that is a huge difference. if he is not even willing to compromise that is not good either. honey i know you love him, but you have to think about what is best for you. he should told you this before especially if you got really excited about kids. how could he not know that? it makes you wonder i understand. i dated a guy for 2 years and he told me he did not want kids, but i stayed with him and he started to say o.k. i think i might want to start a family. then he would change his mind again. and we were rocky too, you have to stand up for yourself and say you know what this is what i want and i am not backing down. i am around your age and this did happen to me 2 years ago. you have to say that millions of men want kids and if this guy does not want kids and you do -you have to move on. it is all about life goals in a marriage, relationship etc. because you have another good 10 years of trying to have kids. don't waste your time and then regret it later. either way, you will resent him and be very mad at him. i hated him for doing that for me. he wasted my time and the relationship wasn't that great either, but i was not married and i have never been married. i am getting married soon and we plan on trying right away, because i want kids. when i started dating my fiancee i told him I WANT KIDS. so there was no misunderstanding and he was like SO DO I. i was soo happy to hear that, plus we have a wonderful wonderful relationship. He is the best thing that has happened to me. also, you have been together since you were 24, you were very young then and you change sooo much from the age of 25-30 and 30-35. what you might have wanted then is not the same thing now. the guy changes a lot more. take what he is saying seriously. if you are shaky anyway you could bring a child into the picture and then him take off. YOu are strong. Stand up for yourself. Get what you want. god bless you.
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I am sorry about your husband behviour don't you think he is hiding something from you possible another relationship, what the hell is family and commtment if not having children to nurish and bond of any relationship is a child to say i DON;T like child is to me to say I don't what to be comtment to you. think?
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What you are looking for is a sperm donor. That's what sperm banks are for....
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Wow. I'm going through this right now, only from the other side. my wife and i were truly friends before we married. we were married a year ago. i can honestly say that she is my best friend, my soul mate, my comrade in this life, my joy and my inspiration. nearly everyone we spend time with will comment on the excellence of our relationship by making a comment such as "wow, you're so lucky," or "you're such an incredible couple." i can also say that we will, most likely, be divorced and living separate lives by this time next year. it's a shame. we have opposite views on bringing a child into this world. she wants children and i do not. for me this is a moral imperative and to have children would be to betray my personal values on a grand scale. what's worse, is that it's clear that no matter which choice is made, someone is going to suffer. my plan, though she does not know it, is to complete the renovation of the house and to try to get her "set up" and comfortable. then i have to leave. it's really awful. she's a great woman and there's just no way i'd marry again. i just can't do something i feel is this wrong.
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Hi, I am in a similar situation. I have a wonderful husband and we have been together for 4 years (married for 3). We have a 22 month old son together, whom is the joy of my life. My husband also has a 12 1/2 year old daughter. Shortly after our son was born, my husband started saying he didn't want anymore children, as he never wanted the ones he had, but loved them. He is a wonderful father and his reasons for not having more children are that he doesn't want to go through the routines of raising a child (diapers, feeding and tantrums in public). I am torn over this, as I do want another child (just one more would make me happy), not only because I want my son to have a sibling that lives with him and that is closer in age, but also I want to love another child of my own. Yes, it's not easy raising a toddler, but the love and fondness I have for my child outweighs the negatives. I am beginning to resent my husband and he had said we could go to counseling, but he seems very adament. And I'm 100% sure that I want another child. I'm 33 years old and have about 5 good years. I'm scared of divorcing him, due to fact of what if I didn't find a good man and didn't have another child, then I lose my husband and the chance to raise our son together. Any advice, Hope
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My husband told me almost a month ago after 10 years of telling me he wanted kids, told me he dosn't want them now. Give him some time and talk about it. Let him have some breathing room but at the same time, let him know that it is imprortant to you. That's what I did. It's opened up the communication for us, although he still hasn't said yes, but he knows how I feel. I'm going to wait a two more weeks and bring it up again, and if he still say's no then I'm going to recommend counciling. There must be a reason why...we just need to find out why. It realllly sucks being pacient when all I can think about is having a baby. But marraige is about compromise and if waiting is what I have to do, I feel he's worth the wait....
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I think that giving your son the chance to grow up with his father is priceless. He may never get the chance to have a sibling his age to grow up with, but a fathers love is the greatest gift.
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My advice to everyone going through this with their spouse/significant other is to leave NOW! You can beg, plead, threaten to leave, give ultimatums, bargain, compromise yourself, try to change his attitude, go to counseling, etc. but nothing will ever change the mind of someone who adamantly doesn't want kids. You just have to accept the fact that some people want kids and some people don't. And these two opposite types of people should NEVER get married or be married because it only leads to heartbreak, disappointment, conflict and even more marital problems. On the other hand, if you marry someone who says he/she wants kids, but then changes his/her mind later, you still must leave immediately. Why? Because they have their own selfish reasons for not wanting kids: money, career, commitment, time, loss of freedom, etc. There just isn't enough love or desire in their heart to give to a child. So don't waste any more of your precious time on that person. This may sound cold-hearted, but it's not as cold-hearted as being lied to and deceived into a marriage if the other person has DOUBTS about anything, particularly kids.
For me, my marriage was a disaster from the beginning. I married someone who had a vasectomy before we met. He assured me he would get it reversed right after we married. He never did. Then all the red flags started appearing: no committment or close ties to family, workaholic, not comfortable around children, extremely religious and self-righteous, and so on and so on. I knew deep in my heart he didn't want kids, but I stayed with him because I was ashamed and embarrassed to get a divorce. I finally gave up on the fight to have kids with him and I grieved for a year in silence. At the same time I grew angry, resentful and fell out of love with him. Then I snapped out of the depression. I toughened up and left him. I am so much better off now. I met someone else, fell in love again, got remarried and I'm now expecting my first baby. I plan to have one more. And the best part is that my new husband has the same dreams and commitment about family as I do. That's so much more important than money, career, and freedom. = |
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I'm in the same boat. Been married for 13 years and of course before we got married, we discussed this issue. At the time, my husband said he absolutely wanted to have a family with me. But over time, things change and people change. He has now decided that he does not want children. It's very, very difficult when you otherwise have a great marriage. I love him more than anything and I love our life together. I can't imagine living without him. I'm thinking about going through the artificial insemination process through a sperm bank. I keep my husband well aware of what I'm thinking but we both love each other too much to split. I guess I'll leave if I get pregnant... not sure what else to do.
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you have to leave. LEAVE ASAP! you will find someone else that will share the same life goals as you.
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If having kids is the only thing that really matters in life to you then why did you get married? Obviously your husband does not matter to you. If you must have kids you should do it without getting married because raising kids in a marriage where the father does not matter to the mother is a very unhealthy environment. You need to reevaluate your life before having kids. Saying having them is very important is one thing, but saying they are all that matters to you is a very unhealthy and narrowly focused life which will set your kids up for failure.
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I just went through an incredibly painful breakup (we were engaged but not married). I'm 35, she's 33. We were together for 4 years. She was my soul mate, my best friend and I loved her very deeply (and still do). She wanted to have kids and I really don't (80% sure). The problem, however, was that she was 33, which meant that she had another 4 years tops to have a baby, otherwise there'd be potential health problems with that. I decided not be a bastard and not play dice with her future -- what if I still felt the same and didn't want kids in a few years, and she couldn't have them anymore (with anyone) at that point?
Anyway, at the end of the day, I decided that I would set her free and let her pursue the dream of a family with someone who shares that value with her. She was very hurt, but didn't really dispute it and it's clear to me now that it was somewhat mutual, because I think that deep down inside, we knew that if either one of us compromised, the inevitable resentment down the line would've killed off the love anyway. We were both so heart-broken and shocked. It was by far the hardest thing I have ever done, because I loved her so much, and yet had to walk away. The moral of the story, is that even though it is incredibly difficult to face, at the end of it all, the reality that remains is that you have different priorities and a limited time. Good luck, I wish you strength and clarity. = |
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My fiance of 6 years does not want kids at all. He has a little boy who is six and I have had three pregnancies and no children. He thinks that it will ruin our relationship and keeps telling me that kids aren't all they are cracked up to be. I can't decide if I want kids because my family wants me to, or if I really want them. I don't necessarily like them and I really don't like my step-son. Then I get those feelings and I don't know if it is because I'm bitter or not. He told me last night that if I want kids then I have every opportunity to leave and go find someone else who wants the same thing I do. What I want is to get my tubes tied and be done with it, but I can't find a doctor who will let me.
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I've enjoyed reading this forum.
I was never keen to have children and my husband was fine with that - he was completely indifferent and from a family not keen on kids - he has two child free siblings (their choice) Unexpectantly, perhaps the biological clock urge - I don't really know = |
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continued - sorry, hit the wrong key.
I changed over about 2 years and had to admit that I wanted a child. I had always assumed if that happened my husband (as always) would be fine with the decision. He wasn't.....he had reached a point in his life where children were forever off the list. This took me completely by surprise - I did not see the change in him. I mourned for about a year and then accepted his decision. I was surprised for someone who had never been that keen just how much it hurt... The alternative - to leave my husband didn't interest me - I love him. Also, what would be the chances of a 38 year old woman finding another amazing man QUICKLY - one prepared to commit to me and a child - slim, to say the least. I know a few women who have agenda's and they are sad people. I also, had no interest in being a single mother - it was something I wanted to share with the man I loved. Five years on - I'm busy with my law career and very happy. Its surprising though just how strong the biological urge can be as the window of opportunity closes... = |
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The desire for children can warp your thinking - a workmate was so desperate for a baby that she stopped taking the pill and fell pregnant
to her commitment shy boyfriend. Needless to say, he is deeply suspicious of the pregnancy and is not offering marriage - he has always made clear that he didn't want children. Its interesting that so many men leave contraception up to the woman - even when they know the woman is desperate for a baby - the stigma of single motherhood has diminished over the years so the temptation is there for some women to make a unilateral decision to conceive. Her argument - if he walks away - she can get child support and she gets her child - if she hits the jackpot - he'll marry her. I'm told that this is happening more and more.... = |
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Count your blessings! Don't dwell on what you haven't got - concentrate and be grateful for what you have - a great man, job, family etc.
My best friend left a gorgeous man over the issue of children. She is now 44 and alone after a couple of short term relationships. Her friends believe she gave up her soulmate for a child, that is unlikely to happen at this point. She now regrets her decision but her ex husband has moved on..... I think perhaps you should be grateful if you have a wonderful man and if you have a child/ren you'd be mad to leave over the issue. It sometimes amazes me that people don't discuss the issue before they marry or ignore a potential problem - of course, people change over the years and that's just a fact. = |
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