| Name: iknowyourpain | Date: Oct 25th, 2006 1:46 AM |
| Hi PJ754 -- I emailed you earlier today, so please check your inbox. Thanks, Iknowyourpain ↑ |
| Name: stillinshock | Date: Oct 31st, 2006 6:48 PM |
| Hi there... it's somewhat comforting to know that there are other people trying to deal with this horrible situation. I have been with my husband (I thought exclusively) for 8 years now, we moved into our first home 3 years ago, were married the year after that and I became pregnant with our daughter within a couple of months. Recently I discovered (after much prodding because I knew something was going on but couldn't get him to tell me what) that my husband began an affair around the time we were engaged with a woman that I knew as his brother's ex-girlfriend. Apparently she pursued my husband at first and he declined so she decided to go after his brother. My husband and his brother are partners in a company and this woman worked for one of their clients. She allowed our entire family to welcome her and make her a part of our activities and even allowed my brother-in-law's two children (from a previous marriage) to become quite attached to her. He couldn't figure out why the relationship couldn't move forward, now we all know it was because she was after my husband. My husband tells me it began when a group was out one night, there was drinking, they found themselves alone and he's not quite sure what happened but she called him the next day. They ended up getting together a bunch of times after that. He claims he ended the relationship a little while before our wedding (I don't know if I believe this) but she called him a couple of days before the wedding to announce her pregnancy. He thought they came to an understanding about ending the pregnancy but she changed her mind. My husband has lived a double life for nearly three years now and given this woman tens of thousands of dollars to not only keep her quiet but also because once he saw the baby he loved her felt an obligation to care for her. He was crumbling as a person and everyone knew something was horribly wrong (I figured it might be an affair or that things with the company were going awful, didn't know) – I was afraid he was going to have a heart attack or something. He says he kept it from me because he didn't want me to leave but he was also telling this woman that he would be with her (although it looks like his behaviour toward her was geared toward him getting to see his other daughter). He has been sleeping with her during this entire time to appease her (and I'm sure for a little fun, too) and giving her the impression that they were going to work out. She has been living off of my husband for the last 2 years and essentially saying that if he didn't do what she wanted she was going to tell me what was going on. The last straw was when my husband's phone accidently called me while the three of them were going to pick up lunch. He knew he had to come clean and he did. She was very angry that I didn't leave and she decided to call me to try and encourage me to leave. I have been trying to decide what to do, not only do I have to think about my marriage (I have a 16month old daughter and can't bear the thought of only seeing her half the time) and also trying to deal with what has become a somewhat ugly custody battle between my husband and this woman. He needs to see the little girl but I told him that our marriage wouldn't survive if at any time in the foreseeable future he was alone with this woman. She is using the child and visitation to try and get him alone and is also demanding more money. They have agreed to mediation instead of going to court but of course I'm not a direct part of that and it is very difficult. I don't know if in the long run I'll still be here but don't trust him any further than I can throw him (although he is making every effort to do anything he can to make me feel secure). How on earth does a marriage survive something like this??? Has anyone out there stayed and tried to work it out? I wish I had some enlightening advice for you soontobedivorced, but I think every child deserves to know that both their parents love them and haven't abandonned them. Write back if you have any thoughts for me... thanks. ↑ |
| Name: tweetybird4 | Date: Nov 1st, 2006 1:49 AM |
To Stillinshock---I'm so sorry you are going through this. Another lady to talk with is iknowyourpain. She has gone through the same thing. Yet, she is trying very hard to stay for her children's sakes even though it's hurting her deeply inside. As for you, only you can decide what's best for you. It's a very hard situation. What I can tell ya is do what makes YOU happy!!!! This other woman is blackmailing him and that's wrong. Perhaps, he should be taking her to court to have visitation and child support established on paper. He shouldn't have to give her so much money. Depending on what state you live in, he should only have to pay a percentage for one child of what the law allows.
You have to ask yourself if you truly love your husband and is he willing to work things out? Your marriage will survive only if the both of you are willing to work hard at it. Please understand, I mean no disrespect to you, but your husband is the one, who made the mistake not you, so don't ever walk around with your head down. You need to ask yourself, would you be willing to accept his child in your home during his visitation time because it is his child and someone elses? Are you willing to try to make things work with your husband? Yet, you shouldn't be the one doing all the work, your husband should. This is something that isn't going to happen over night. Healing these wounds are going to take sometime. He needs to stop seeing her and most important sleeping with her. Honestly, I don't know if I could do it. It would be so angry with him that I would spit wooden toothpicks. Yet, it sounds like this woman was plotting all of this from the beginning. She was purposely trying to split the two of you up. Plus, how do you not know that she didn't try to get pregnant by him on purpose? Sounds like entrapment. I only heard this kind of stuff happen in the movies---gosh, I am so so so sorry for you and your child. He has lost his trust with you and it will be very hard to regain it. Some of this depends on you, too. How do you feel besides shocked and hurt? Take your time. I would definitely tell him to consult an attorney and make things legal. Otherwise, since, you haven't left your husband over this, she will continue to try to get more money. She may get vendictive. She reminds me of the movie called "Fatal Attraction"! Gosh, I certainly hope things will never come to that. Listen, I'm sorry if I couldn't offer you much advice but at least I can help to be a sounding board for you. I'm willing to listen anytime you need to vent. You sound like a very caring, loving person. Your not blaming the innocent child and that's good. She had nothing to do with her mothers horrible actions. I do hope things will get better for you and your child. ↑ |
| Name: iknowyourpain | Date: Nov 1st, 2006 2:35 AM |
| To stillinshock -- oh how I know your pain and shockness so well. Our situation is different but our feelings are mutual. I'm still in this marriage but our communication is very little. The reason I believe is because my husband doesn't know what I'm thinking or planning. See he knows I don't need him financially nor do I need him sexually but because I'm a type of person when I commit to something I try really hard to do everything I can to make it (still not sure why). But anyway, you have one child right now that is really young, so at this point I would say ONLY do you and what makes you happy because in time or before she becomes aware or accustom to things because you will probably be stable, more certain of the situation and able to put this behind you and move forward. Again, our situation is different -- maybe if I was aware of this situation while my children were much younger I may have "JETTED" long ago but that's not my case. My children are older and settled which makes it harder because I feel that I will be taken from them because in time I would have to sale my house or relocate and start all over again -- that would be hard for me to do for them right now due to other obligations I have. I'll pickup with this shortly, I just received unexcepted company. ↑ |
| Name: iknowyourpain | Date: Nov 1st, 2006 3:28 AM |
| To stillinshock -- I'm back, sorry cutting off light that but as I was saying I feel you have the upper hand, don't settle for nothing you don't want to or have to. Trust now is the key -- lots of betrayal has happened. I know how you feel about being shocked, to tell you the truth, I believe my husband was so relieved that I finally found out -- he was being black-mailed too, but he ask for it. Now that things are quiet around the house (no arguing, he's taken my silence as I'm okay but I'm not, I'm just trying to plan what's I'm going to do and how). I'm looking into making an investment move but haven't quite landed it yet but I do believe when the time comes I'll know. Today I'm not in love with my husband but I do love him. I was hoping that things work between us but I really don't have much feelings about the situation. I'm not angry with woman or the child. The child deserves to have both parents in her life but I'm not going to be the one to make it happen becasue I know that is what he's looking or hoping for that I will save the day. I think of my children and wonder how they really feel if they knew the whole truth (they know a child exist but they don't know what gender, who or anything else). I use to hurt me but not any more, it's true what they say that time heals everything. It's just I'm hanging in there because of my kids (maybe wrong for me but it feels right for them and they are my main focus for now). Take care and keep you head up, don't settle for nothing just because -- reach for happiness because life is too short to be wrap up in a bunch of foolishness that could have been avoided. Just make sure you get yourself tested and protect yourself because surely he's not or didn't think about your well being or your child to have conceived a child from another woman while being with you. ↑ |
| Name: iknowyourpain | Date: Nov 1st, 2006 3:33 AM |
| To stillinshock (correction)-- I'm back, sorry for cutting off like that but as I was saying I feel you have the upper hand, don't settle for anything you don't want to or have to. Trust now is the key -- lots of betrayal has happened. I know how you feel about being shocked, to tell you the truth, I believe my husband was so relieved that I finally found out -- he was being black-mailed too, but he ask for it. Now that things are quiet around the house (no arguing, he's taken my silence as I'm okay but I'm not, I'm just trying to plan what's I'm going to do and how). I'm looking into making an investment move but haven't quite landed it yet but I do believe when the time comes I'll know. Today I'm not in love with my husband but I do love him. I was hoping that things work between us but I really don't have many feelings about the situation. I'm not angry with woman or the child. The child deserves to have both parents in her life but I'm not going to be the one to make it happen because I know that is what he's looking or hoping for that I will save the day. I think of my children and wonder how they really feel if they knew the whole truth (they know a child exist but they don't know what gender, who or anything else). I use to hurt me but not any more, it's true what they say that time heals everything. It's just I'm hanging in there because of my kids (maybe wrong for me but it feels right for them and they are my main focus for now). Take care and keep you head up, don't settle for nothing just because -- reach for happiness because life is too short to be wrap up in a bunch of foolishness that could have been avoided. Just make sure you get yourself tested and protect yourself because surely he's not or didn't think about your well being or your child to have conceived a child from another woman while being with you. ↑ |
| Name: stillinshock | Date: Nov 1st, 2006 4:14 PM |
| Thanks iknowyourpain, it makes me feel better to have other people out there who know what you're going through. It was all so recent that I still don't know what will happen in the long run. The toughest part for me right now is that he still has to see the other woman (during mediation and at visits) and I'm trying not to have any resentment for the child but I am angry at both my husband and this woman. They both betrayed me... I befriended her and tried to help her fit in with his family while she dated his brother and she has no regrets or remorse about anything or feels at all responsible. At least my husband hates what he did and is trying very hard to hold us together. I was really relieved when he told me what was going on... it was like floodgates opened for us and we were able to talk like we hadn't in years. This is why I have a little bit of hope that we'll survive – he could never handle the stress of another affair by the looks of him and unfortunately it took this to get us communicating like we used to when we were first together. He lets me have my feelings and answers what he can and we're going to counselling together. I don't know what will happen in the long run... it's hard to think about leaving now because I couldn't bear the thought of joint custody of my daughter. I'm used to seeing her all the time (I'm a stay at home mom but would have no difficulties supporting myself should I leave) and it would break my heart to pass her off for the weekend. Some things I've forgiven and some I don't know if I ever will. I guess I just have to wait and see. I know it's going to be difficult bringing this other little girl into our lives (explaining it to people, keeping her from hating my daughter and I and of course dealing with this bitter and vengeful other woman) so if anyone has advice or experience with that I'd love to hear it! ↑ |
| Name: cat | Date: Nov 13th, 2006 8:27 PM |
| I am new to this forum, and I have to say I am disappointed in some of your feedback, but that is your opinion! I feel so bad for the women who's husband commited adultery and worse had an illegitment child with the other women! shame on you! what women would like that done to her. nobody! That's not jeolousy that's disrespect for the poor women! shame on the husband and the other women! I am the product of an affair(illegitment child)! and I hated my father and mother who had an affair on his ex wife, she was a great women! Not like my mother who destroy there marrige, in which I got judged for being a bastard child! and believe me there is alot of haterd and jealousy! which is very normal! you commit the crime and God makes you pay! I DO NOT THINK GOD LIKES PREMARITAL SEX OR HAVING ILLEGITMENT KIDS! NOOOOOO ! PROTECT YOURSELVES TAKE BIRTH CONTROL! BECAUSE ILLEGITMENT CHILDREN ALWAYS HAVE TO PAY FOR THE MISTAKES THE PARENTS DO! get a divorce first do the right things in life! do not have a child out of wedlock no one wins if you do that! live a good clean moral life, so no one has to pay at the end, remember the child always pay one way or the other! ↑ |
| Name: stillinshock | Date: Nov 28th, 2006 8:51 PM |
| Hi tweetybird4 – I really appreciated the nice note that you left. I haven't been on here in a while because things have been pretty hectic but I thought I would post how things are going... my husband is still going through mediataion with the woman he had the affair with (the mediator has been really great, she meets with him and I after he and the mother of his other child have their session to make sure all 3 of us are on board with things). He has regular visitations now and within a month or so the visitation should be set for the long term with overnights here and all (it's the transition that's hard, this woman won't let him bring the child to our house yet or be with myself or my daughter but it looks like within a couple of weeks she won't have any choice). The other woman seems to have resigned herself to the fact that he doesn't want to be with her and that she was being unreasonable (she showed up for the first mediation with a list of financial demands including a car, a fence for the townhouse my husband helped her get and $3200 a month in spousal and child support!!!) She has agreed to get a job in the very near future and that payments to her will then be reduced to the mandated child support – and that's all she'll get! The mediator told her what she'd get if she went to court and that sort of set her straight. He and I are hanging in there (there are days when I just want to smack him in the head and push him out the door, but there are good ones too.). We went to marriage counselling and he is seeing his own therapist as well. I know he's sorry and regrets what he did, time will tell if I can forgive him. He is really trying to do everything he can and what everyone is suggesting to him and appears committed to making us work. He lets me be upset when I need to and we're definitely talking more now. Hopefully a year or two down the road we'll be settled into our new family and things will be better... if not, well. at least we tried. One of my issues now is what should this child call me??? She's not even 2 yet, my husband calls when he takes her for his visits to sort of check in with me and I usually talk to her for a minute. I don't want her calling me by my first name and 'mom' just doesn't seem right... any thoughts anyone??? ↑ |
| Name: tweetybird4 | Date: Nov 29th, 2006 2:31 AM |
| Hi Stillinshock----Your certainly welcome. I'm glad to hear the counseling and mediation is working. Yeeaay, for you all!!! You mentioned your husband will be getting overnite visitation, that's great!!! Hopefully, you are doing this legally to have the arrangements in black and white. His is the non-custodial parent and if she decides to withhold his visitation, she will get punished for it. The laws state he has the right to see his child. I can't believe this woman is expecting spousal support and other demands??? Wow, that's pretty ballszee!! He will have to pay the child support no matter what but make sure that you put into the document regarding any extra cirricular activities (that both parties have to agree) and the medical expenses that isn't covered under his insurance, she is to pay half of all costs. He shouldn't be stuck with everything. This will prevent her from enrolling the child in everything possible just to have him pay for it up front and then she turns around to cancel the activity while she runs off with the cash. I wouldn't put it past this woman to try something like this for more money. Plus, make sure he pays all extra expenses directly to the establishment the child goes to, this way you can make sure you can get a receipt for your payments. I don't think I would trust her doing this on her own. I'm glad you are willing to accept the child. I'm sure it isn't easy for you. You have a caring and forgiving heart!! A quality most people don't have. Personally, I wouldn't be afraid to have the child call me by my first name. At such a young age, it's less confusing to her. As she gets older and more comfortable with the environment perhaps she will call you mom on her own. It sounds like she's in a long hall with her own mom, whose being so greedy. Hopefully, she will listen to the mediators so things won't become so difficult for everyone involved. I wished my ex husband would realize what a jerk he is but that's wishful thinking. He tells the kids that if he didn't have to pay me child support, he would have more money. Like it would be any different if the children were living with him? Dah!!! Ya know, when I was married to the S.O.B., he would say if he hadn't gotten married, he would of had more money. Well, he didn't have any money before I married him and still doesn't so how can that be my fault? Ummm, I think he needs to take a class on money management or work ethics. You have to be a motivatied worker in order to receive a decent paycheck. Stupid is forever in his case! Anyways, thanks for giving us an update and I wish you great success in the future. Please keep us all posted, it's great to hear from you. ↑ |
| Name: stillinshock | Date: Nov 29th, 2006 5:55 PM |
| Thanks for the advice Tweetybird4... I know that my husband would love for her to get into activities (his family is pretty avid about soccer and skiing and we think that swimming is very important, too) and I hadn't thought about some of the things you mentioned. It would be a good idea for us to bring them up in mediation and get that stuff documented as well – that way it's all legal. Our mediator is a lawyer as well and as soon as she draws up the agreement she files it with the court so no one can suddenly decide to make changes to anything out of the blue. And the good thing is this other woman is seeing a therapist now and is being a little more flexible with the visits. And yes, it is really hard to try and accept her daughter (expecially since her mom hasn't let her meet me yet) but I've seen photos of her... I'm so glad the two girls look a lot alike – they really look like sisters (they both have the same hair and eye colour and a lot of their dad's features) which I think will help as they get older. People won't question that we're all a family and I think that will make it easier on my husband's daughter and help her feel like she fits with us. And I'm sorry to hear about your husband's attitude – he's obviously missing the point of CHILD support, it's for his kids!! It's too bad he tells them stuff like that. I hope you're doing OK – have you guys been apart for very long? Until this happened to me and I was faced with the real possibility of splitting up I never realized how hard it could be for people. Are your kids managing alright – how does it make them feel when their dad talks to them like that? He doesn't sound like a very sensitive guy – looks like you made the right decisions! I'm afraid that as my husband's daughter grows up her mother is going to sow some seeds of resentment as far as money goes – I'm worried she's going to talk like your husband talks. We saved for a long time and worked hard and are lucky enough to have a big house and a pool and luxuries that I know her mother won't be able to afford (unless she meets someone that is financially more comfortable than her) and I don't know how to keep her from resenting my daughter for not only living with both her parents but for being able to live the way we do all the time, not like his daughter that will only be able to live our lifestyle when she visits. I guess I'll just have to cross that bridge when we get to it... but I'm always open to advice! ↑ |
| Name: tweetybird4 | Date: Nov 29th, 2006 10:00 PM |
Hi Stillinshock---I've been separated from him for 4 years now. Just when you think things should settle down, nope, not with him. He's a complete ass. The kids are always stuck in the middle of it all mainly because he can't keep his mouth shut. He's always has to bring up issues that really don't pertain to them. Two out of the three ignore him but the other one sides up to him. Basically, worships the ground he walks on. I don't have a problem with it but only if his father was a responsible, reasonable, caring individual which he's none of those things. It's all about trying to make my life miserable while using the children as his thorns. Lately, he knows the only way he can ever hurt me is through the kids. My daughter gets tired of him. In fact, she can't stand him. She tells her friends more so than me how much she hates being around him. I never wanted her to feel this way but if I had trouble getting along with him, why wouldn't the kids either? Mostly, the kids are happy when there home with me and my new husband. But my son runs back and complains to his dad about having too many rules to follow. He wants the carefree life with lots of freedom and no responsibilities----just like his dad. I just plug away and do my best, that's all I can do. Hopefully, the kids will grow up and remember things here and there of what I was trying to teach them. It just my 13 year old son, who is dishing out the most trouble. Yet, my 7 year old son has no problems doing the things he's suppose to, so why would the 13 year old have a problem with it, too? Because he's 13 and plans to take the easy way to life. Ha, I never knew there was ever such a way. All I can tell him is good luck with that notion. I hope he finds what he's looking for and becomes successful at it.
Well, glad to hear your family is working together. That is truly important. Make sure when you do go to the mediator to have everything written done, you go over it with a fine tooth comb. The only things you will ever be able to change later on down the road is visitation and childsupport . What kind of visitation arrangements are you looking for. The norm is every other weekend and 1 or 2 week nights, alternating holidays---Memorial Day, 4th of July, Labor Day, Thanksgiving. Then split the Christmas holiday/winter break and alternate Spring/Easter break. Also, make sure you think about vacation weeks during the summer months. Perhaps you can request 4 weeks no more than two consecutively. Plus you can request time on her birthday or your husband's birthday and Father's Day weekend. Since the day falls on a Sunday make sure he requests the whole weekend not withstanding the visitations schedule already in play. I hope this helps, if I think of more, I'll let ya know. Just keep me posted on any new developments. ↑ |
| Name: billy22 | Date: Nov 30th, 2006 5:11 AM |
| soontobedivorced~WOW! Well first off, it isn't the child's fault.....secondly......is he really sorry? and if he is, has he cheated before? i too got divorced becaues my husband cheated on me with an under aged girl and went to prison for it for 3 1/2 years! it crushed our entire family! Had he not gone to prison, i probably wouldn't have divorced him. but I think God was telling me ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! he had cheated on me SEVERAL times over our 7 year relationship and i always forgave him, even though marriage was tough afterward! i did believe in forgiveness and working things out because marriage is just that....WORK! but once they break that trust, it is so hard to build it back up again and then when they continue to crush it down it just doesn't come back....so I guess all i can say is follow your heart....but don't punish the child by trying to keep him out of the child's life. i wouldn't agree to him going to see the child by himself, but there are lots of other alternatives...good luck and God bless!:) ↑ |
| Name: stillinshock | Date: Dec 1st, 2006 6:01 PM |
Hey Tweetybird4 – I can totally sympathize with your situation... my husband's brother was going through a nasty divorce 8 years ago when I met my husband and it's still not very pretty! Unfortunately it is definitely the kids that suffer... his two boys (10 and 12) have been through an awful time. My brother-in-law doesn't exactly win father of the year... a nice enough guy but he would always dump them off on people when they were visiting, talk about their mom in front of them (she's not THAT bad, I've met her, and god help her she was married to HIM!) and march women in and out of their lives. Luckily their mom remarried too, so now they have some stability but the older boy sounds a bit like he's in the same boat as your son. Dad is now cool because he spends money irresponsibly (they don't have furniture in the house but he buys the kids dirt bikes and atvs!) and lets them do whatever they want so of course the older one wants to live with him now. It's only because their father puts no limits on their activities (you should see some of the stuff this kid gets into on the satellite dish and the internet!!!) and he's just being the buddy now, not the dad. It's too bad, really, but hopefully he'll see past everything as he grows up. There is hope, though, because a friend of mine from work went through a terrible time with her oldest daughter, she actually wouldn't stay with her mom and moved in with her dad (because of rules) but my friend stayed tough and the daughter eventually realized on her own that the dad wasn't all she thought. My friend and her daughter now have an even stonger bond than ever!
As for us, we're hoping that at the mediation next week we get a set transition schedule to agree upon. She only lives 2 minutes from us so we're asking for 'first refusal' (if she needs a sitter she calls us first), and since my husband has been picking her up in the car and taking her places with no problem she should be able to start visiting us here right away (maybe at first the child and my husband can have some time together and we'll play with them the last half of the visit for a few times and then work them into being normal visits with the whole family after a couple of weeks). By early in the new year she should be here 2 nights a week and probably one night a week for a couple of times to get her used to being here and then try alternating weekends. We're going to do all of the alternating holidays and summer time and that sort of thing as well. It would be nice since the mother has been told she has to return to work if the child could spend at least a full day here during the week as well instead of in daycare – I'm not ready for two toddlers 5 days a week and I know her mom would never allow it! But, that way the girls could have their own time together and she could be around her cousins more, too (my husband's sister has 3 small children under 3 and they only live a couple minutes away as well). So hopefully, common sense will triumph and the next meeting will be fruitful! And good luck to you with your son... you sound like you've done a good job with the kids and it's probably just him testing the boundaries of life – he'll come around and see things your way (someday!). ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Dec 1st, 2006 6:31 PM |
| stillinshock,why havent you ditched your husband? Sounds like he has been nothing but a decietful liar since BEFORE he married you. Why would you still want that scum in your life? You should divorce him and take him to the cleaners because he owes you DEARLY!!!!!! ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Dec 1st, 2006 6:39 PM |
| I bet he still carries on with her to this day! Don't let him pull the wool over your eye's. Probably the only reason he doesn't want to lose you is really because he doesn't want to ante up anymore than he already is to his mistress!!!!! ↑ |
| Name: billy22 | Date: Dec 1st, 2006 9:20 PM |
| HEY Lizzi~ Unfortunately I think this is a seperate situation from soontobedivorced. stillinshock isn' the same person. Isn't it sad that this has happened to someone else too? ↑ |
| Name: stillinshock | Date: Dec 6th, 2006 8:31 PM |
| Lizzi - be careful what kind of advice you give out because not every situation is the same and it's impossible to lay out a relationship in it's entirety on a message board. I refuse to be a bitter, crazy ex-wife because although my husband made some grave mistakes we have been together for a long time and our relationship wasn't always this way. Once I found out the whole story I was able to look back on us and in retrospect could see where both of us went wrong (there are reasons for what he did even though there are no excuses). Our relationship changed before this all started and I could see it's decline while this went on (he was distant and ashamed and couldn't look me in the eye amoung other things). `I am giving him an opportunity to start over... if it doesn't work then it doesn't work. Taking him 'to the cleaners' does no one any good, especially my young daughter. And I don't need a man to look after me – we were in love at one point and are hoping to feel that way again. Being angry is OK, but I have a family to worry about and refuse to make any rash decisions. Since it all came out and we decided to see if we could stay together, both his family and myself have begun to see the man we all used to love. This whole situation nearly destroyed him and he's seeing his own therapist and working hard at putting himself back together. Our relationship now is a million times better than it was 6 months ago despite the fact that I now know what went on. And I know there are total jerks out there who are just not meant for marriage and families and maybe your advice will work better for their wives. This is a family's future you're talking about – I'm a very intelligent, independent woman but just chose to ignore problems that were right under my nose. Maybe if you do a little research on the topic of extra-marital affairs you might not be so quick to offer harsh advice like that because usually there are deeper causes for affairs rather than someone just being SCUM... ↑ |
| Name: tweetybird4 | Date: Dec 10th, 2006 6:08 AM |
| To Stillinshock---I commend you for the heart you have. I'm glad to hear things are getting better. It will be wonderful that you will be able to include the little girl into your family. Shower her will love which I'm sure you will. I'm a firm believer in forgiving. We all are imperfect and do make mistakes from time to time but it's the strong one, who will survive. I'm sure your husband is hurting deeply inside for he has done and I'll tell ya, your love will grow stronger if you can work through this. It sounds like he's lost appreciation for you. He's lost his sight of what was most important to him which is YOU!!! Now, since you are willing to ride this out and work through the ups and downs, he will grow to love you even more. He sounds like he's very thankful to you for your good qualities. Your loving kind heart. Your willingness to continue to be the loving wife he married. Alot of us have our troubles which at times do cloud our judgments. Keep being you and work at the positive things in your life. You all will be a strong family including the additions. Keep us posted on how things go. Email me if you would like, I enjoy communicating with [email protected]. ↑ |
| Name: Courtwinner | Date: Dec 15th, 2006 7:04 AM |
| If you want divorced I can give you information on how to obtain a high monthly alimony check. I used it on my ex I was married 4 yrs and get $2000 a month. my email is [email protected] ↑ |
| Name: stuckjustlike you | Date: Jun 18th, 2007 5:36 AM |
| wow, so many of us in the same position. i do feel for you all. My question which I am hoping that someone can answer is if we reconcile, can the skank get more money from us? Should I file for legal separation to prevent my children from taking a finanacial loss? ↑ |
| Name: pattyl | Date: Jun 19th, 2007 1:06 AM |
| He has the right to have a relationship with his child, but you don't have to live with his mistakes. Do you want her child in your house EOW or to pay CS for his mistakes? When he has this relationship with the child he is going to continue to see her and will probably keep the affair going. Do you want to live like this every day of your life? ↑ |
| Name: mohamed | Date: Jul 22nd, 2007 7:43 PM |
| Name: spoltrtn14 | Date: Jul 23rd, 2007 2:44 AM |
| I married my high school sweetheart after 5 years of dating. We were married almost 13 years before I filed for divorce. He had his first fling with someone online (who he met in person in Vegas after months of talking). We got back together after their little fling broke up because we had two kids together. About a year later, he went back to school and met a student. She is 13 years younger than him. They got married and now have an almost 3 year old. I just got news tonight that his wife is pregnant AGAIN! My ex told me after our ONE child (who is 16), that he was too old to have kids. SInce then, we had our daughter who is 11 (before his flings) and he has another daughter with his new wife. He will be 43 when this child is BORN! I can only imagine the heartbreak you are going through for both yourself AND your daughter. He should be a parent to the new child, but never expect YOU to be! I don't have any feeling for my ex anymore, but I am SO furious that he is so selfish to do this to OUR kids! He is NOT financially able to DO this again, and MY kids are going to suffer from it. I wish you luck! ↑ |
| Name: Patrice | Date: Aug 5th, 2007 9:14 PM |
| Listen, not only did ths happen to my mother, married to my father for 35 years, but it also happened to me (I am 30), been married for 5 years and my husband has an 18 month old baby with another woman. Your daughter is a bit older so she will have to understand why you are doing what you are doing. I have forgiven my husband, but it has been a hell of a journey to have gotten to this point. Once you forgive, and truly forgive will you know what the next step will be. My blessings to you. Patrice ↑ |
| Name: Patrice | Date: Aug 5th, 2007 9:22 PM |
Many people are judgemental about this situation. Friends and family are actually the worst people to talk to about this kind of situation. I say this because they will sometimes make you feel stupid for forgiving and taking him back. They say things like I would leave him if it were me. The reality of it is that you don't know what you would do until it happens to you, and pray that it doesn'y. Initially, I didn't want my husband to see hislittle girl, but that was just out of anger. I have realized that the child did nothing, althoughi it hurts when they are together. The thing is he will see the child either you approve or not. He wlll chose you over the woman, but not his child. Like i said before, forgiveness is the virtue to live by in this situation, AND that happens in your time, not his, not the baby mama's, but in your time. Again, you have my blessings as I know this situation can be emotionally draining.
Patrice ↑ |
| Name: forgivenbutnotforgotten | Date: Aug 6th, 2007 2:57 AM |
Patrice, you are so right. It is a hellish journey. Forgiveness is more for you then your husband. If you don't forgive the anger will eat at you and eventually change you as a person. And if you and your husband have kids you have to consider them first. Once you say, ok I'm going to stay, then the past must become the past. We're all human, so some days are harder then others, but you have to keep moving forward to survive. My husband and I are at the next stage of the process, visitation that involves the family and I'm not sure what to expect and honestly not sure I'm prepared for all to come. But I have faith and I will continue to move forward. Despite his mistakes my husband is a great man and wonderful father and with God's guidance my family will come out of this stronger. This forum is
wonderful and and excellent ear for venting. Thanks to all for sharing your stories because they have guided me thru some rough times. ↑ |
| I'm glad that there is a god that does see it fit to punish a man when he fathers a child with another woman other then his wife. whom are you to say what a woman should forgive and not blame that offspring when that offspring is born to suffer a greater deed because of what the parents have done when you yourself have chosen sins not to forgive. not only his he lying to his wife but GOD. It hard for me to believe that you would favor a child that concieved in sin over God ↑ |
| Name: duchess | Date: Aug 23rd, 2007 4:48 AM |
| I dont think you ccan expect him to not see this child. Like it or not, it is his child. Your daughter is 18? Perhaps she is old enough to know the truth. The truth, not as you or your husband see it, but the truth. It isnt alright to let her think life is perfect and we dont fail. You and her father were once in love and through time you felll out of love and he moved on to someone else. It isnt easy. But try not to talk negative about him to her. ↑ |
| Name: forgivenbutnotforgotten | Date: Aug 24th, 2007 4:23 AM |
to [email protected]. your statements are confusing. First of all the punishment is not simply that of the man, but of both parties involved in the sin. What both adults fail to realize is the out of wedlock child is whom endures the most suffering.
As far as God, I believe God makes no mistakes, no life is ever a mistake. Humans mistakes are lessons to grow and mature from. I don't know if you experienced this situation before, but I have. My husband cheated on me and fathered a child w/another woman. I can't lie and say I didn't want to run away from the situation, but any time you go thru a life changing event you have choices to make, because your life is forever changed in the matter of seconds. When my husband admitted to the affair I first had to deal w/that and seconds later I find out the other woman is pregnant. Was I angry- Hell yeah, HURT-Damn right, but I knew in that moment I had to carefully guard my responses, something I had never done in the past. Ok back to the response. Why shouldn't we forgive, holding on to anger does hurt the sinner, it hurts you. The child has no fault in the situation, so why would you want the child to suffer. As far as choosing the child over God who ever said anything like that? ↑ |
| Name: Thankful | Date: Sep 29th, 2007 6:37 AM |
| I just want to tell all of you ladies thank you. I just finished my husband weekly visitation and was needing some relief. I an happy to know that I am not alone and I can create life at the end of the tunnel. I just found out about my husband child al about 5 months ago. I was crush. we have been together for 10 years keep in mind that I am only 25. Actually married for 31/2 years @ the time. I push him toy get everything done dna, court dates, you name it I made sure I had all the needed information. I had planned on leaving him but after he attempted to kill himself I told him he was being a coward and that I was willing to try harder to work if out if he would be able to handle the situation like a man. His son has been at least 1 a week for the past month. We have three beautiful children together and I made it very clear to my husband that if he ever ran from his resposibilities and a father to my or the other womens child that we will surly be over, for I can not respect or love any man that does not care for his children. My husband has dedicated his life so far to treating Me like royalties I told this is what I expect for the rest of my life. I take everything one day at a time and put it in the lords hands. so god bless and again THANK YOU. ↑ |
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