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My husband and I have been together 3 years and we have a 11 month old son. He also has 2 kids with his ex wife that visits every other weekend. The problem is his ex is continually playing games and starting trouble. Recently, she has been taking the kids to buy my husband Fathers Day gifts, cards, XMas gifts, Birthday cards, etc. Mind you , my husband caught her cheating and kicked her out 5 years ago and she married the man she was cheating with. I was always the one that took the kids to buy any gifts for him. But now she is stepping in as if shes still married to him and doing. He has told her to quit, that he wasnt married to her anymore and it is not her place. But she is still doing it! When we first got together she didnt do this, except for the 1st Fathers Day. She cant have her cake and eat it too. She gave up her rights doing things for my husband a long time ago. How should I handle this?
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I would just concider the gifts are coming from the kids. She obvisouly won't listen when you guys tell her to stop giving them. Maybe she see it makes you upset and that's why she keeps doing it. She found away to get to you and your letting her. So I say don't even act like anything is wrong and maybe she will stop when she realizes she can't get to you anymore. Good luck!!!!!
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you can not deal with people like that just live your life or you will go crazy. people who are this way are twisted. you will always be on the defence if you try to deal with her .... let her play her pity games who cares don't get sucked in.......my ex is the same way ... its difficult because its so hard to understand how people end up this... so don't even try good luck
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Girl, I have to deal with the craziest ex-wife of all. Ignore her! Pray and put everything in Gods hand, he will deal with her. The main thing is to not let her affect you and your husbands relationship. Her goal is to upset you. People who upset you gain control and that feeds them even more.
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wow!, someone here extremely negetive!
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You need to think about what you have now...your life, your child, your husband. She is a mother, she is trying to help her kids continue a relationship with there Father that they had prior to the divorce. Let her take the kids to buy the cards because the kids need to feel like they are doing somehting for there Father and she is just a tool to help them achieve this. She means nothing to your husband, she is probably a thorn in his side but the kids need that communication between Mom and Dad. Look at it as if it were your Mother and Father, they have no feelings for each other but the kids will always be a part of thier lives as your child is bewtwen the two of you. Good luck, relax adn love the kids because they will remember everything.
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It's ok for her to encounter the expense of buying her children's father a gift. Take your child and purchase your own gift for him. I would include his children though! Eventually, they won't ask thier mother to help them because they know it's something you and them do for him!
Maybe you can call the kids and ask them if they'd like to go with you to buy thier father a gift a week before it's time. Make your own arrangements with them. If she's truely trying to upset you this will upset her. If she's innocently helping her children then she'll appreciate you.
Good Luck!
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I would tell my husband to not accept the gifts and tell his ex that she should not be messing with their childrens minds by playing unacceptable games. She made her decission and it should not be going backwards to suit her guilty conscience. He has moved on and has a family with you that she apparently did not want all those years ago and that you are not going to be paying for her mistake for the rest of your lives together!!
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I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN ...I AM THE EX WIFE MY EXHUSBAND'S NEW GIRLFRIEND IS HAVING A NEW BABY ...SHE HAS 3 KIDS ALL BY 3 BABIES DADDIES & HIS BABY MAKE'S 4 PLUS MY 2 GIRL'S .SHE HAS STARTED HER LIL GAME'S TELLING MY 8Y/O TO CALL HER MOM MIND YOU THEY JUST GOT BACK TOGETHER IN DEC'05 AND ONLY HAS ONE OF HER KID'S LIVING WITH HER. TELLING ME SHE'S HAVING TWIN'S (NOT TRUE ) ,ASKING MY 8Y/O'S GOD FATHER TO BE HER BABIES GODFATHER I FEEL LIKE SHE'S PLAYING GAMES TO SEE IF I WILL GET UPSET ..IT JUST MAKE'S ME THINK SHE'S CRAZY . IF I WERE YOU I WOULD SEND BACK ANY THING SHE BUY'S FOR YOUR HUSBAND .
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I am dealing with the exact same thing. I recently spoke with her on the phone and she told me that my husband would always choose his son and her over me. When I tried to explain that his son should come first, but that I came second she told me they were a package deal. She is only trying to puch your buttons, do not react to this. Put your Family first, plan like she does not exist. Act if she is not part of the life you have, and she is not.
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She is doing this to cause problems. Just take the gifts and return them afterwards. You take the kids too and buy him gifts as usual and give them as usual. If your kids are a little like mine, they eventually forget about the things they bought DH anyway. She'll quit eventually.
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Just remember that narcisstic (borderline) individuals "love to push your buttons" ...She FOUND yours .....IGNORE her and her borderline behavior....She will not continue behavior that elicits NO response or anxiety from you..She's Not looking to have her cake and eat it ,too...NOTHING to do with your husband...Sounds like YOU are her present target..... AND you and continue the negativity....And then turn it around on you, to your husband ( Your NEW wife is so insecure..., how could she find fault or become angry about my wanting to accompany OUR children and /or driving them to the store to buy a (example) FATHER"s DAY CARD? AND SHE IS GOOOD...Your husband's ex-wife and her adultery have absolutely NOTHING to do with the children's BIOLOGICAL MOTHER assisting them in choosing cards for their father.. You BOTH need to drop it and ignore her...GETTING LOTS OF ATTENTION FROM BOTH OF YOU....DUH....and soon, she will be sitting back and watching the drama she initiated as you and your husband are at each other's throats...Ignoring a narcisstic (borderline) individual's behavior is the wisest course of action..They are fairly predictable in their subtrefuge and idelight in attacking one's area of weakness or sensitivity and "PLAY " you.....Because you appear to be insecure , she will receive satisfaction from increasing those feelings and watch the situation escalate...These people , however become CONFOUNDED when you do not REACT (when the button is pushed).. Do yourself a favor, call her or speak to her face to face and THANK her for taking the children to pick out cards for their father...Ask her when you can count on her taking the children to select cards for their father, so you can plan and call for reservations for her ex and you in a four star restaurant, to savor an incredibly romantic dinner.....Tell her how much YOU appreciated the last time she took the children, because it enabled you to make a trip to the Beauty Salon, that you could not have done without her assistance....You get the picture...Then follow through ....DO IGNORE her , and display your delight that her taking the children card shopping would allow you to share some intimate moments with YOUR husband...HOHOHo, bet the behavior vanishes....
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I agree with many who have said that if she did it to keep the kids seeing good teamwork and focus between (ex) parents, but if as a jab, inappropriate- not good to return back presents but to still go with children and get own for him too- take the higher ground. I guess the big question would be is how the ex that gave the presents acted 'after' giving to the ex. If she then was asking the kids 'did he like what I picked out, what about this, how did he react when..." that kind of thing, then it would be appropriate to tell the husband to tell his ex that he is sending the kids mixed messages (that it looks like she did it more for her than them), and perhaps advise the ex that she (or he with her) get counsel to resolve that so she can move on because he has no plans to humor or continue allowing her to send mixed messages/confuse the kids. But that has to come from your husband- not you- otherwise it could further mix up the messages to the kids- "he" needs to stop the games/not allow it if in fact that truly is happening.
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My husband has a ex-wife that is narcisstic and it is impossible to have a relationship with the adult children. It is her way or no way and give the kids trouble if they are with their father and are very controlled by her. I don't see any possible answer?
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How is everything? Anything new ? Better I hope...
Take care!!!
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Dava - I agree with you 110%! My husband's ex is an extreme narcissitic. It's all about her and using the 2 children as chess pieces in her master manipulation games. She alienates me, has assaulted me 3 times, and attends my husband's family holiday gatherings and events. This Father's Day, she purchased my husband a gift for the children to present to their dad in front of me, the oldest stating, "This is from (her name) and me." I took the children to buy a gift for him anyway as I had originally planned. Afterwards, since she will not let me speak to the children, I email the children from the both of us (which I am sure they never get) thanking them for finding the perfect gift.
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Tell me why can't the children's mom help the childen buy their father things for him again?
How old are the kids? Are they old enough to drive and make purchases themself? Why is it that your own child is welcome to reap the bond and love of daddy, when the other 2 are bunted out? Another thought, maby your 2 step kids are old enough to now understand fathers day and so forth. I know haw exes are and if this is the biggest problem you have with her then the road ahead is going to be bitter.
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OH YEAH, I can relate!!! I have the same issues with my boyfriend's ex wife. She still likes to get into his personal business & leave lengthy message after message on our voice mail. She says innappropriate things & tries to still act like his wife in many ways. My friends tell me to bide my time as she will find someone else & move on. I wonder.... who the heck would want her? She has even made homemade chocolate chip cookies for him recently, 4 dozen!!! How sweet!
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hi in your case you be the bigger person and let her know that she gave up that right to be in his life when she consciously decided to cheat on her husband. its just too bad women these days throw away good men...i have a good husband who also caught his wife cheating and dumped her...
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Act like a maniac and call her every name in the book.
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I am dealing with a similar situation. If she realizes that she is bothering u by buying the gifts she will continue. If she no longer gets attention and mayham she will stop and try another angle. It's a vicious cycle. Just hang in there and hopefully she will realize that her little games are not gonna effect you or your husbands relationship. What ever you do don't sink to her level be the bigger person. Show the kids how adults should act so that they have a good role model.
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I would tell you to confront her. Send her an email or a letter in the mail. Tell her you do appreciate what she is trying to do but that you are his wife and that you will take care of your husband. I would just consider the cards from the kids. Be glad that she is at least being nice. You could be in my shoes, our X-wife calls her attorney any time something doesn't go her way. She is emotionally abusive to there daughter and she even slaps and pushes her around sometimes. We are currently in a modification of visitation suit with her (my husband has custody). This made things worse when we filed this on her. But she is a major pain, she lies all the time, and she constantly puts their daughter in the middle. She too had an affair and my husband divorced her and she married the guy she cheated with. My husband's x loves to make life miserable for us. She lives in a fantasy world and loves to tell people that my husband still has the hots for her.(Trust me he doesn't, she is very unattractive and just a Bi--h.) She is really crazy. I guess what I am getting at is this, sometimes you think you might want to trade your situation for a better one, but maybe it isn't as bad as you think it is. Besides you have your husband and she doesn't. That should be all the satisifaction you need.
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I understand that there are many games this woman must be doing to hurt you beacuase of her own personal pain. As a single mother who has to deal with a uninvolved partially (there when he wants to ) absent father, it is challenging when holidays and special occasions come up. I have to swallow my pride when i take my son to buy a Fathers Day card or a Birth day card for his father. I believe it teaches him respect and custom and to honor ones father, even if he is not the greatest dad. If his new wife (whom I just found out about 3 days ago and they have a 5 month old that my son has been trying to tell me about but my ex lied through his teeth for over a year) Anyway, if his new wife was upset about the cards I would be offended because I thought that my 5 year old was not old enough to buy or go to store unless I helped him. We all are responsbile for teaching values and integrity to children. So maybe the children should not see your anger at their mother, they already have alot going on and probably are happy to buy their dad gifts with mom (they did make the children together as sad as it seems sometimes), it may make them feel better...maybe they asked her to...they only see Dad a few days a month, and she has them all the other days, you can enjoy your new baby with your husband...can you imagine what that must feel like for them...dad gets new baby and we dont see him like we would want to, and mom is a trip or cheated on dad. You can talk to them and assure them of your love and also buy gifts with them, respecting their gifts to their father..they will see it like they did something wrong...Maybe this can help them give you respect as their step-mother, they will learn grace through you... with a new baby they must be going through alot themsleves...it is a hard road...be well
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Just keep an eye on your husband. he might be having relationship with her but hiding it. If you trust and love each other nobdy can come between you but if you fight or show some sign of distraction from each other the second oerson will take advantage. bye
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I always bought MY SONS gifts for his father or anyone else. Let there mother buy the gifts. They are her and his children. This is one of those deals you make when you take on a new man with a past. Maybe the kids ask the mom to buy them. Kids come first. Dont worry about petty issues. It makes you seem insecure. Thats a turn off.
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i have an ex to deal with too and she drives me crazy. it would actually take me all day to tell you about it and wish I had someone to talk to about it. As a mother of the child she has the right to take the child out to buy him gifts. I take my daughter out to buy her father gifts and he does the same in return. On the other hand, my husband's ex no longer takes their son out to buy him gifts, it's become my responsibility.
There's more to this story and would love to talk. I'm actually going through a tough step child/ ex problem at the moment and have no one to talk to.
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Layne, I agree with you.....
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while i was married to my ex-husband i had very similer problems with his ex, after awhile i relived she was trying to get to me by doing such things, she knew we would fight about it and she was right. I stopped reacting to those things , i said nothing once she relizes it no longer causes the two of you to fight she'll stop. i know its really hard but trust me , smile and kill her with kindness, she'll relize that you and your husband are secure and whats shes trying to do wont work. hang in there and good luck.
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Pam, How do you not let it bother you? I try really hard, but sometimes I can't help it.
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Tell your husband not to accept the gifts! Or better yet.. keep them and have fun with them. Can't lose either way. You could regift if you need to. Dont let this bother you... Guess what? He's with you ... not her. Your jealousy will push him away! RELAX!!!
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P.S. Why does everyone think she has an ulterior motive of pissing you off!
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Take it from someone who has been there done that. As long as they have kids together....she'll NEVER GO AWAY. Nor should you expect her to. I had to come to that relization myself when I started seeing a guy who has two beautiful children by another woman. It drove me nuts at first. This woman is trully crazy. Classic control issues and refused (and still refuses) months later to MOVE ON. I had to decide if this guy and his babies, whom I also love, was worth the headache that is the dreaded X. Thats what you are going to have to decide as well. If you find you can't take it anymore my advice is next time you get involved with a man....try to find one who doesn't have children with another woman.
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Try acting as if your ok with it and how mature you think she is by handling things this way. Once she realizes that it doesn't bother (even though it's killing you inside) you at all she may stop.
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I think it is the ex-wife's responsibility to teach her children that their father matters and assist them in buying a gift. Be gracious and don't involve the children. Tell the children how wonderful they are to think about their father and let it go. From my own experience...you would just be playing her game if you continue to get mad
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Same problem here sweetie! Honestly I have tried everything and I have went as far as antidepressants! Then I realized that all she was doing was starting S**t So I did what any red blooded american woman would do. I beat her a**. And spent overnight in jail BUT let me tell ya I feel like a million bucks. I dont know how bad your EX is But the one that I have to deal with is totally LUCIFER.(the devil) And to cover myself with the kids because they know how much she likes to start crap, I just say OMG what a liar. I have never touched your mother. HEE HEE HEE . And I promise I really do feel good now.
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keep them and give them back to her husabnd for the same occassion she will quit sending them then
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MEET HER ON THE CORNER AND KICK HER ASSSS
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I suppose this is an old post...but here are my thoughts on this post:
If he has children from his first marriage with her then she has every right to take them out to buy him a fathers day present....as long as it is from them and not her.......as long as they have children together ( which is always) then she can take them out to buy your husband a gift if she wants to. My husbands ex-wife did not acknowledge fathers day for almost 3 years when they divorced........maybe you should think about how much that can hurt before you start complaining that your husband's exwife is helping her own children to send their dad a gift!
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Cinner29, I dont want to start a fan club or anything for you but it is so refreshing to read your comments on situations like this, I too got involved with someone who had an ex and kids, i listened while he blamed her for everything, wanting to take his money his life etc etc, I eventually said enough is enough, there were two of you in that relationship, two of you to make or two of you to break it, and i asked him if we ever found ourselves broken up with kids would he be saying the same about me?? suffice to say we did break up years and two children later, and i have no doubt that the same IS being said about me even though he does not support his children at all, have no contact ( his choice ) and blames me for everything !! Because of the children involved I am on quite good terms with his first ex, not best friends but send photos, xmas cards etc so we have abseloutly no annomosity between us at all and never did, the way I look at it is I didnt know the woman and she didnt know me, two very differnt people whos lives just happened to intertwine, so now being on the other side of the fence ( as the ex ) I just dont understand these women who have to down the ex's at every oppertunity just to convince themselves that because he may slag her off for what may have been shortcomings on his behalf as well as hers, that he must love Her more, that she is a nothing, she should not keep his name, she should get off her lazy ass and help them out to support the kids cos SHE wants kids of their own, but he did love her at one time and they did have a family together, I also thought this when I was the ''new'' girl!!!!! . So my point is Cinner29 that it is refreshing to read your realistic comments and that you dont just jump on the wicked, evil ex bandwagon as I never did all those years ago,
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Also, to everybody, the ex does deserve some degree of respect if as the mother of his children is the only reason then so be it cos even if the dad is supporting the kids it usually is the mum who is bringing them up and dealing with all of lifes day to day things and for those of you with children you will know excatly what that entails and that it is not always easy in fact it can be DAMN HARD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Amy....LOL, about the fan club......wait could we all wear badges!!! LOL......anyways I only comment in here once in a while....I am mostly in SAHM......I hope to talk to you again soon!
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Well you could drop the kids a hint about things you both would like. Or step back and say nothing and let her play her game. You know that is what she is doing. And so does your husband. I mean is it really big of a deal? You can buy things yourself and he knows who bought what. I think I might tell her thank you personally, and mention how much YOU enjoyed whatever it is. And as far as narcisstic...... I think you right. My fiance's ex is so much that way I told him she should get a personlized license plate for her car that reads IMeMine.
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If he already told her to quit and she's still doing it she's basically a very selfish and inconsiderate person. But that's no suprise considering she had an affair. I wouldn't bother speaking with her yourself at this point because she is most likely going to like seeing your feathers ruffled. I think the best way to deal is to let your husband know her actions stress you out (sounds like you already have & he has been supportive of your feelings) b/c you notice that she has acted differently now that you two have a child together. Be clear that you would prefer to focus on him and your child rather than stress out over her bullshit! I bet you anything he feels bad that you have to deal with her at all. Try to stay focused on the positive between you and your husband. Ultimately that's the most important thing. The ex's annoying competetiveness and displays of psuedo-wife-ness will eventually fall by the wayside once she sees it doesn't get her anywhere. Maybe tell your husband to focus on praising the kids themselves for the gifts and not give the ex any praise or appreciation for taking them. It seems like she's looking for attention. She's a jerk to use her kids for this purpose. Good luck. You are obviously the better person for him to be married to. Just remind yourself of that.
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She's using her kids to cause trouble. She wants you to be upset by buying gifts for your husband. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see the gifts are a "f*ck you" toward you and not from the kids. However, turn it around on her. MAKE it about the kids, and really thank them, hug them, tell them how proud you are they picked out such wonderful things for their Daddy. Support THEIR jesture, take her out of the picture. When u think of it this way, it's nice to see some of his child support coming back to him!!! LOL
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jesus, such crap, maybe the kids are too young to pick out the gifts and she's just trying to help, has antbodt thought of that??
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** has any body thought of that**
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It makes sense that some of you might get annoyed if you are an ex-wife and trying to do the right thing for your kids.... no disrespect intented to you. However, it just seems like the ex-wife in her story is having issues with her ex-husband's current situation (since it's a recent behavior) and using her kids as a means to assert her presence. It makes sense that she would feel threatened by the fact that his new wife just had a baby. She probably feels her role as the mother of his children is being threatened. I bet she feels like she may be displaced permanently now that he has chosen to have children with you. Perhaps that he may even prefer you to take over with mothering her children as well. Maybe deal with it in a more positive way. Let her know that although you are the current wife and mother of his newborn she should remain secure about the fact that she is the mother of his other children. You are all responsible for the well-being of the children now so it would obviously be best to work together. Maybe she will feel more secure and hopefully end up focusing on her own happiness with her new situation (new husband, etc) instead of getting all weird about yours. Everybody's energy really should be re-focused so that it creates a more positive environment for all of your children. It's in your best interest to be on decent terms with the ex-wife since your child is half-siblings with her children.
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When my husband and I 1st separated I would take the kids to buy him gifts for xmas, b'day etc. He'd opened them and just leave them at our house. It really p*ssed me off. So, the kids are older. I tell them it's his bday, they can make a picture 4 him. They take it to his house. If he doesn't want them fine. He can give them away or toss them. If it helps the kids stay connected who cares?
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This is an awkward situation. I have an ex with whom I have two kids. I always took them shopping to get him gifts from them for Christmas, Birthday, Fathers Day. Then he got a weird girlfriend who had a problem with that. So, per his request, I stopped. Then, he got married to yet another woman, and she would take the kids shopping. Now he is getting divorced and telling the kids what he wants for Christmas. I have a problem going out buying him gifts, but I want to do what is right with the kids. They are now 12 and 13, and I told them to ask him for some money so they can go shopping for him, but they are so afraid of him they won't do that. So, now I can either just take them and get him something from them, and they will be happy and in their eyes some day I will look like the "good Mom" or I can be realistic and tell them that that is his job, if he wants something, take them out, give them some money and let them get him something while he isn't looking. I don't know what is right or wrong. The original thread states the ex buys gifts for her kids to give to their father, why is that a BAD thing?
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In the 15 years since my boyfriend's divorce, the only thing his ex has helped their daughter buy for him is a coffee pot (he already had one). His child support is more than my first mortgage and car payment put together.
His daughter is now 16, with a driver's license and a car. She works and he also sends her money. He can count the number of cards he's received.
I'd love it if his ex-wife would have helped develop a generous spirit.
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I have 2 children, both from seperate relationships in my 20's. For 5 years I've been married to a man but we can not have children together. He loves my children, and we all get along with both fathers of my kids. Why not? We did have children together, and should be respectful and decent to each other. We all like to give a gift around Christmas, and any occassion. When the kids were little their dad's helped with Mother's Day presents too. Can you believe that my husband just gave a nice food dehydrator to my daughter's father for Christmas? We need to all get along and realize that even if we aren't together we can be nice to each other. We need to respect each other for bringing these beautiful children in the world together, and keep them happy and loved. Enough negative fighting over nothing! My kids are now 14 and 18. They are the most positive, productive, caring and loving human beings you would ever meet. You can give a gift to a coworker or neighbor..but not the mother or father of your child? Why? Can't we all just get along?
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i understand what you are going through my husbands ex is the same , she just wants 2 get a grip and grow up i have been married 2 my hunni 4 seven yrs with 3 kids the ex has 1 child 2 my husband , but she is know maken up lies witch is maken myself and my husband argue i really dont want this cumming between us i just dont know what 2 do anymore,
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thats what my husbands ex is turning me in 2 i hate her sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much the funny thing is she is re married witha son she just wants her cake and eat it well i hope she bloody chocks on it lol ..........
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I've already gone through this "stage" with my husband's ex-wife. I choose to just ignore her and to encourage the kids to ge their Dad as many things as possible. I actually didn't take them shopping, like she did, but helped them make things for him and this gave us good time together also. All I can say is...hopefully his ex will get another 'thing' to focus on and move on. In the meantime, thank her for the gifts. She will not get any enjoyment out of making you happier and she will stop. It's not hurting the kids in any way and that's what's really important. Also, I hate to tell you this, but her buying gifts will probably be a very small problem caused by her. Wait until you have teens and this woman to deal with at the same time. Sorry...some people don't get better but we are all wishing you the best of luck. Just let them know you care about them and hopefully they will see her true colors on their own.
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I know what you mean. My husband's ex-wife just sent a Christmas package. The gifts were supposed to be from my husband's 10-year-old to his father. The gifts were kitchen items and house-related. It felt like a direct insult from his ex. My husband's ex is a narcissist. She doesn't let the young son talk to his dad except on rare ocassions, and visitation is once a year in the summer. She tells the boy that his step mother is evil and will kill him. My husband and his ex have 3 other adult children. One child is totally cast out of her mother's life. The other 2 adult children worship their mother and have next to no communication with their father since we married. All I can say is pray for all of us in this type of situation!
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She probably sees that its upsetting the two of you and thats what she wants. Its sad she is using the kids to get a reaction but some people are crazy like that. Im in somewhat the same situation with a crazy ex doing weird things to get a reaction. It took alot out of me to "ignore" her but it seems to be working. You know your husband isnt happy with it... the two of you are on the same page. Thats a good thing. Just try to not let the children see you are upset. They are smarter then you think. Good Luck!
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hi i am jake i am 10 year i need some love
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She sounds like a nut. Well I guess you already know that. I would suggest that you post naked pics of her fat ass on crazyexwves.com I hope you are and your husband are not porviding nay money to fuel the crazyness.
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you can't make her stop... those are thier kids and if she wants to do that.. them let her... Grow up and be a bigger woman than she is.. you seem very insecure and jealous.
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my ex is great she good 2 me an the kids was stress b4 but now all g my gf no like my ex but i think i going chose soon
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my exwife has the same condition.. get a hitman.only way u will have peace
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If I could say what I haev thought about my husbands ex wife I would go to jail. I think she was put on this earth to test my sanity!!!
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you guys are all boxed! how can you say she is playing games by using the kids? it doesnt matter that they are no longer together but it does matter that they are still parents. and why on earth would the new wife take the ex-wifes children to buy a father's day card? he is still their father and obviously he and his ex-wife will always share that bond. do you honestly think that ALL ex-wives are dying to hang on to their ex-husbands!! i think these second (or third) wives should take a step back and realize that he is now with them and being a good dad doesn't mean he wants to be with the ex. and on the other side, wanting a peaceful relationship with your children's father is a lot more mature than the ditzy second wives who step in thinking they can erase all his history. maybe you should have thought of that before you married someone with "baggage"
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You case is very clear, she still feel the guilt inside her for cheating on him, she is finding a way through father's day to forgiveness or at least for him not to talk to the kids about what hapened in the past. so in my point of view just be secure within yourself that she only satisfying her inner conscience ,her doing will never erase the bad image that she is carrying within her .let it be and do not be jealous at anything......Good lucktrust me
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I was the new wife, became the ex-wife and am soon to be a new wife again. Having said that, I understand this from both sides of the spectrum. However, the way that I have always looked at this situation is as follows:
When I was the new wife... my now ex-husband had a daughter with his previous wife. I would always go (either with the daughter or with him and the daughter) and buy the ex-wife gifts for Mother's day, B'day and Christmas. This was regardless of the fact she never reciprocated doing the same for my ex for his b'day, father's day or christmas. To me, it was about teaching his daughter that you give a gift on these special days, nothing more, nothing less.
When I became the ex-wife, I always took my kids to by their father presents for his b'day, father's day and christmas. Again, its about teaching the kids. I have custody of them and feel it is my duty to teach them to honor their father. Now he has gotten remarried, and to my knowledge, this is not an issue. Just because he has a new wife, does not mean that I should stop taking my kids to get him something. She is more than welcomed to do the same as well if she likes. So he'll get 2 gifts instead of 1, but I feel as my kids mother, that it is my duty to instill this in my kids and therefore do so.
Now, I am getting married on 6/14/08 and my fiance has custody of his 3 children. The mother is in a relationship as well. However, as I am typing this, he is out with his kids buying their mother a mother's day present. I don't have a problem with this and in fact believe it is the right thing to do. If her boyfriend wants to take them to get something as well, thats great. She too will get 2 gifts instead of 1.
Having said that, I will have no problems whatsoever, and actually expect her, to take the kids to get my fiance (their father) something for his b'day, father's day and christmas. I too probably will be taking his kids and mine to get him something as well. It really is no big deal.
When there is divorce and children involved, there are enough power struggles that go on. Presents for special occassions really should not become one. Now if they divorced but had no children and the ex-wife was still buying him a b'day or christmas present.. now that I would have a problem with. But this is a gift from the kids. Look at it that way. Not from her. Take the gift, hug the kids, say thank you and move on.
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So, alls well if your intentions are good? I'm sorry, but isn't really for each of us to decide what the other person should be comfortable with or not. And that lesson is more important than almost any other lesson we can teach our kids.
You have no idea what the husband has said or hasn't said about you, what happened, and if he's done a good job letting her know there is nothing to fret, the difficulties she's already had with an ex-husband or what not.
So, if you are a nice ex-wife, one who is truly thinking of their kids best interest (you know who you are one or not)...then you know that it is just as if not more important to your husband and your children and everyone's future together to include the new wife and make her feel comfortable with anything you would like to do.
And if that decision is contrary to what you'd like, but you still manage to say "hey, I've heard your step-mom would like to take you to get your dad something for father's day...now that I think about it she knows a lot better than I do what he really needs...So, if you have some ideas let her know...I think it should be fun for you guys to do together" I would absolutely respect you to no end.
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Of course it is going to boil down to what works for each family. Not all families are the same. I just think sometimes new wives and ex wives tend to make big mountains out of molehills. This distrust that lies there always thinking the other is up to something. If it is not the new wife thinking the ex wife is interferring and overstepping bounds, its the ex-wife thinking the new wife is interferring and overstepping bounds. Sometimes things are just what they are, a simple gift from the kids, nothing more, nothing less, no hidden agenda behind it.
I know from my experience, I wanted the divorce. I asked for the seperation. I am totally over my ex. As far as I'm concerned, his new wife can have him and I honestly hope that they live a full, happy life. It is best for my kids that their father is happy. Plain and simple. Taking them to get a gift for their dad has little to do with any hidden agenda and everything to do with what I feel is the right thing to do. My son now has his own money being he works. It is up to him to get something for his dad now. I've instilled that in him. My daughter on the other had does not have her own money so until she does, I take her to get something.
There is a flip side to this. There are new wives that don't feel it is their duty to do this at all. They actually believe that it is the mother of the children's duty. Why? Because the gift is from the kids, so if the mother has custody, receives child support, a small part of that should be for gifts the kids have to make i.e. to parents, to grandparents etc. It's even in most financial affidavits that I have seen... gifts for kids, gifts from kids.
Now this doesn't mean that if a preference was vocalized, such as my ex saying that he would rather his new wife take the kids to get something that I would not say okay, no problem. Fact is I have done my job to teach them, point is that they get their dad something, whether I take them or she takes them. In all honesty, if she takes them, great... less money I have to spend, especially considering that he does not reciprocate this and ensure that the kids get me something knowing they don't have the money to do so.
But yes, each family should absolutely do what works best for them when it comes to these things. I just feel it is healthy for the kids to see that their parents do stuff like this because it is about the kids and not the adults.
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Well said ex wife!!!!!!! I thoroughly agree with you, dated 02/11/08. We are not all bitter and have gone on to have an even better relationship so no need to hang on to the ex, civility for the sake of our children is all we want, not too much to expect eh? or maybe it is for some!!!!!
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i told my ex that i wanted the kids for the summer after the the date on the guidlies. she said that she didnt have a problem with what they say then got into it with me because of a confontation the previous day . i have been off work do to gall bladder surgery. and told her to buy them some damn clothes .
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i got a text package on my phone now and she is quoting guidlines 2 me. if i dont let her know by april 1st she gets to pick which half of the summer. well now she tells me she wants 2 have them every other week. no way! they state she picks which Half of the summer. what is her problem!.
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Don't worry about it. Don't let it bother you. If his ex is doing this not because it's the right thing for her children and only because it bother's you then stop letting it bother you. (Even if you just pretend it doesn't) Smile and tell her how thoughtful it was for the children to get their dad such a nice gift. She'll get board and stop. Be sure to continue to take all the children yourself for a gift also, your husband and all the kids will appreciate this.
I take my children to buy gifts for their dad, step-dad and step-mom, for any special occasion. I do this because I feel it's my responsibility because they're my children. My ex's wife also takes my children to buy gifts for me, their dad and their step-dad, on special occasions. We all understand these gifts are from the children not the adults.
I also take my husbands child to buy appropriate gifts for their mom and her other children for special occasions. I do this because their mom has made poor choices (drugs) and has nobody. I hope someday all the children involved will understand sympathy & compassion for those around them.
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I so get this! My story is very much like this one except she uses their daughter to keep in close contact with my husband's family and him. Every little thing their daughter does has to be turned into some major event with both sides of the family present to see it. I would think pics would be enough to send out to family members but no! Family events where she clearly would not be welcome she finds reason to make a showing in an attempt to "keep ties" with family and friends...again using daughter to do so. If all this is an attempt to get me out of the way then she needs to come up with a better plan! I'm here to stay!
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She obviously knows this upsets you, and that is why she is doing it. She obviously gets pleasure from it. You can ignore her, which in the long run she would taper off her attitude, or you can did what I did with my husbands ex. You can thank her like she is doing YOU the favor, so you can save the money and now buy what you really wanted to get for him from your own child and not have to spend for her kids. May sound kind of mean, but if you let her think you believe she is doing a favor for YOU? She won't do it anymore....My husbands ex still tries once in a great while to pull something, but not at all as bad as she used to think she could. I sort of had to put her in her place a few times....
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My husband's ex-wife won't let me see my step daughter when he leaves for the army is there any thing I can do ??
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