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I have an ex-wife ane 2 kids age 12 and 13 with her. We have been divorced for 8 years. We get along and often do things with the kids together ie: school events, kids birthday parties, doctors appointments, special events. She will come in the house when dropping off the kids and discuss the kids scedules and chit chat about work and life. She will call me if the she has to stay late at work so I can pick up the kids and take care of them. We don't have a set in stone child plan I generally have the kids 2 weekends a month, but if something comes up with either one of us we work together to add or sudtract a weekend or weekday. The problem I am having is that my Girl Freind thinks that my ex and I don't have any boundries. Am I wrong for getting along with my ex, do I need to have 2 birhtday parties, go to seperate school events, have a fixed set in stone child care plan. Is it wrong of me to help her out by taking care of our kids when she needs to stay late at work (she works in a group home and had to stay to take care of the residents because someone didn't show up) One time I ajusted her garage door so it would close properly it took 5 min and saved her and the kids money was this wrong of me should my GF be upset by these activities. My girl freind doesn't like my ex they haven't talked more than a few times. My ex has never said anything bad to her or about her. I Love my girlfreind my kids like her a lot I just can't handle the drama of her ranting about my ex. Help am I wrong am I in the minority because I get along with my ex. ↓
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| Name: anonymous | Date: Dec 6th, 2007 9:57 PM |
| I think first of all you need to assure your new girlfriend that you're not at all romantically interested in your ex-wife anymore. Maybe tell her that you have had plenty of time to get through all the emotional feelings and healing that you need to be comfortable and civil again toward each other after the divorce, and I don't know if your girlfriend has gone through a divorce but I think she feels threatened because your ex-wife is still a significant part of your life because of the kids, and will always be. If she can't accept that fact then maybe you two should go to counceling together, it might help her to understand the loose boundaries that you have set (and maybe you can compromise on those boundaries), and it also might help you to understand her insecurities about dealing with your ex-wife. Hope that helps! ↑ |
| Name: ha | Date: Dec 7th, 2007 8:45 AM |
| I think getting along is one thing and it's another when she comes over and discusses her life with you. I'll give it to you at least you guys have a good relationship, but if your wanting to be with you GF then you will have to make some changes with you EX. I am married to a wonderful man with 2 kids and in the beginning he was the same way with her. They were divorced for 6 years he had no interest in her but when I came along and changed things a little like they used to go to the zoo together for easter. I am sorry but those type of things are fine if your married and if your divorced you do not need to do things like that other wise get married again and have the little happy family. But once that was stopped it came out that she wanted to work things out etc....All I am saying certain things are ok, but with her always coming in talking or whatver that is bothering her you should come to some type of agreement. Yes you were married before her but your not married anymore and if you want to have any type of relationship your gonna have to make some kind of changes with the interaction of you EX. ↑ |
| Name: celestine | Date: Dec 11th, 2007 12:36 AM |
| If it is Julien Henley, Manager at Bernard K. Passman Galleries on 5195 Dronningens Gade Ste. #2 on St. Thomas. Then he is also interested in all of them ex., just ask Brenda Fahie now Brenda Abraham. ↑ |
| Name: helpermom | Date: Dec 13th, 2007 9:06 PM |
| My husband use to be like that with his ex...when we first started dating. He was the one she called to 'talk' to and when her 'pipes broke' but when we decided that we were in our relationship for the long haul, he had to decide who he was committed to. It is one thing to get along for the sake of the kids and make things go smooth for the kids, but it's another for the two of you to act like your still married and for her to think that you are her 'fall back' guy. On the other hand, if your girlfriend loves you, she needs to understand that your babies will always come first and your ex is part of the package (good or bad). School events and such will always be together, there's no getting around that . I'm not saying you have to sit together but you'll definitely see eachother there. Birthday parties and such can be seperate. If you end up together, then I would assume that her family will be involved too and that's just more people to love your kids. Address it so that the kids think it's cool to have more parties and more gifts. The best of all worlds would be if your ex gets another man in her life and he too wants her to let loose of you. If the thought of that bothers you then maybe you're only divorced on paper and not in your heart yet. Been there, done that and actually, I understand how your girlfriend feels. It's up to you to make her feel like she comes after your kids and before your ex. That's if she really does. ↑ |
| Name: VeggieMom2B | Date: Dec 14th, 2007 11:26 AM |
| Sounds like your girlfriend need to grow up!!! You and you ex are doing the right thing for the kids and you should continue in being this way always. GF need to get over her insecurities, and trust you more. You sound a wonderful dad!!! ↑ |
| Name: cherisalorraine | Date: Dec 14th, 2007 11:34 AM |
| I am proud of a man that can go on and keep being a dad (and yes that means being supportive of the mother ) some men cant do that I would explain to her (GF)that things are the way they are and you are not going to neglest her but if she cannot accept it then maybe the two of you are not compatible ( if you differ on child rearing views and family obligations then what kind of family do you look forward to with her?) ↑ |
| Name: shady youssef abdelwahab | Date: May 21st, 2008 2:51 PM |
| Name: joy2 | Date: May 22nd, 2008 9:51 AM |
| There has to be boundaries. If you like your life the way it is and are not willing to compromise then the girlfriend should run while she can. There can only be 1 woman in a relationship. This does not mean that going to birthday parties and school events should stop. But the coming in and chit chatting is disrespectful. I admire you for being a hands on dad but you have to set boundaries so that you can have a loving relationship too. ↑ |
| Name: Trying2cope | Date: May 22nd, 2008 11:54 AM |
| I disagree that being a good dad means being supportive of their mother. Please don't feel like you are a bad parent if you don't fix your ex-wife's garage . At some point, you have to set boundaries since the dynamics of your relationship with your Ex must change when there is another woman in your life. That's not to say however that your current GF is right. She does sound very insecure and it doesn't seem like she has a valid reason for disliking your Ex other than the energy you still put into her. Not sure if they'd get along any better once the boundaries are set? Your GF should count her lucky stars that your Ex isn't a lunatic like the ones many of us in this forum have to deal with. ↑ |
| Name: Mom25 | Date: Jun 2nd, 2008 4:21 PM |
My husband & I, my ex & his wife have spent many activities together. Including birthdays, BBQ's etc..... I had always thought this was fantastic. Yes, we would go into each other's house, although rarely without the other person's spouse home, this was an unspoken understanding between my ex and I out of respect for our spouse's. We had all become friends. I always made a point of including my ex's wife, I really liked her and wanted to make her comfortable. My ex has done the same with my husband. I have done many activities with just my ex's wife, and my husband has done guy things with my ex. Not to long ago I was shocked to discover when she told me that my friendship with my ex made her uncomfortable (she had always felt he wanted to come back to me.) I was even more shocked when I told my husband and he said there are times he's uneasy (because he also felt my ex wanted us back together.) I asked my husband why he'd never said anything and he said because he knows he has nothing to worry about and wants to see my children happy. I thought they were both completely wrong but stepped back a bit because I care about their feelings. My ex and I have been divorced for almost 10 years, guess what, one night recently when my ex was drinking he let me know he wished he had his family back. For clarification I had no clue, I had thought the entire time we worked together for our children. Have I ended the friendship? No. However, out of respect for my husband and my ex's wife I have modified it greatly. I do not want my ex to get the wrong idea. But, more importantly, I want my husband and my ex's wife know they have nothing to worry about as far as I'm concerned. (I never mentioned the drunken conversation to ex's wife, only because it would hurt her, and I keep hoping my ex was having a temporary nostolgic drunken break down.)
I guess what I'm trying to explain to you is maybe your girlfriend has picked up on something that you have missed. A vibe from your ex that she wishes the girlfriend was out of the picture. When you say they haven't talked but a few times is that because your ex makes a point of seeing you when the girlfriend isn't around? Does your ex simply not talk to your girlfriend? Of course your ex wouldn't say anything bad about your girlfriend, because you would then know somethings up. However, your girlfriend has every right to let you know she has an issue, she is the one your in a relationship with. You need to reassure your girlfriend both with words and actions you have no interest in your ex and that your only relationship (adult) committment is to her.
When you say you often do things together ie: shcool events, doctor appointments, etc.... do you mean you both attend the events or do you actually go together? Attending is fine, going together is completely different and not fine. As far as the doctor appointments, are you talking little Suzie has the sniffles and the ex needs you there or are you talking major medical issues that you need to be there? Because if the ex is asking you to go with her to have the childs yearly checkup that's her looking for an excuse to be with you.
You should still help with extra child care and see your children as much as possible. It's better for everyone involved to work together and to be flexable. Be sure to include your girlfriend as much as possible.
Yes, your girlfriend has a right to be upset if you're at your ex's beck and call. Remember you two are divorced, which means you are no longer responsible to your ex, only your children.
All that being said, if your girlfriend is just crazy why are you with her? ↑ |
| Name: anonymous | Date: Jun 7th, 2008 3:26 AM |
| I recently broke up with my ex I being the girlfriend, I have two boys five, seven and his children eight and ten the breakup was over no boundaries and caused a constant battel in our relationship unfortuantely he could not work this out with me and called it quits running back to his ex-wife. I definately belive that there should be boundaries set in place - communication and mutual understanding is beneficial. What happened with our break up is that the ex wife was constanly needy and inteferred - this is at fault with him as well. In a relationship the new partner or girlfriend needs will feel more secure if boundaries and rules are set in place this also helps you to organise life to spend quality tieme as partners. The difficulty in our relationship with no boundries is that the children were constantly dropped off at anytime if she called he would jump to her assistance no matter the situation. This is not acceptable I have an ex partner a wonderul relationship with him focused on the children but I dont ask him for his help or to fix my garage door and I dont run to him with my problems. ↑ |
| Name: ray | Date: Jun 28th, 2008 5:01 AM |
| Name: Mel | Date: Jul 12th, 2008 7:28 AM |
| As someone who is marrying a man with an ex wife, I'll tell you that her issues with your ex prob stem from insecurity. It's hard to marry someone who has an ex wife and kids already. There are feelings of being second best. I am very grateful that my fiancee and his ex get along, but at times I have to remind myself that I am a priority in his life. Luckily, he makes it very clear that his child and I are his top priorities, but if your girlfriend feels like she's in the #2 slot, she is always going to have a problem with your ex. For me, it was all about accepting the fact that I was going to be sharing my fiancee for the rest of my life. He's never going to be just mine. And as much as I tell myself that I'm sharing him with his child and not his ex, it still feels like I'm sharing him with her sometimes. No woman wants to be number two in her man's life. I would suggest talking to her, reminding her that she is the number one prority in your life besides your children, and that she and your children are your own family as well. ↑ |
| Name: ann | Date: Jul 15th, 2008 1:28 PM |
| Sorry but your girl friend is JEALOUS of your ex! I pray for a situation where my kids father will be active in their lives. Youu are doing the right thing. By showing you can put your diffences aside and just love your children YOU are doing GREAT...and your children will love and appreciate you for it. ↑ |
| Name: ann | Date: Jul 15th, 2008 1:39 PM |
| One more thing my ex and I use to talk and when I met his current wife it happened to be on the weekend I had just got engaged. The kids had already told their dad about it and he asked to see the ring trying to be nice I guess cause he is psyco mean and still hits on me. (that is a whole diff story) anyways trying to make small talk and make her feel like I "wasnt' after her man" I showed her the ring too. But she still hates me every day since. She has done and said so much stuff it is just unreal. Point is now I KILL HER WITH KINDNESS she hates me...so I rub it in her face. By talking to my childrens dad or being civil it did not mean I wanted him!!! I am THANKFUL I do not live with him and now we are in the middle of a HORRIBLE incident where he and his crazy brother threatened to kill me....right in front of my children!!! But to all of that if you can get along and be friends it will always be better for your children ↑ |
| Name: Ready To Give Up | Date: Aug 5th, 2008 2:59 PM |
| The first thing that a DIVORCED couple needs to realize is that they made the choice to end their marriage and their family life. The children should always come first, however if there is a new relationship in the making anything else relating to the ex should be out the window. It is not the EX husbands responsibility to cater to her child care needs in order for her to travel, vacation or lie at home in leisure to relax after a long trip. I have a wonderful boyfriend but I do not fall upon his list of priorities, they are as follows: Children, Ex Wife's Schedule (she does not work), job and then me. When you love someone but know that you are last upon their list of priorities, what do you do? I am open to any advise!!! ↑ |
| Name: Me | Date: Sep 24th, 2008 7:09 PM |
| Kudos for being a awsome dad!!! You should hold you head up high for putting your children first(not many men do). Just because you do small stuff for your ex doesn't mean you are a bad guy. Make it known to your ex that if she wants you to do something for her you are going to bring your gf along to assure her nothing is going to happen. I was with my ex for almost 13 yrs and yes i still have feelings for him that i am trying to deal with. I also have a new bf but think of how things used to be as a family (the family we made), we have 3 children together ranging for 2-10. He now got a new gf and guess what?? he wants NOTHING to do with my kids. He came to my house out of the blue and said to there faces i have no feelings for you and i dont want anything to do with you. Never in a million yrs did i think he would turn his back on his own kids. The new gf has a 2 yr old son and for the last 2 months he has been doing everything with his new gf and her kid but hangs up or dont answer the phone when my kids call. He stopped giving me support money so i had to take him in for support to help support them but got mad at me for doing so. He even hired a attorney for the hearing to get out of paying for support. He lives in a house owned by his parents and pays NOTHING no rent,water,electric nothing(his parents who are in there early 60's pay all his bills) all but his own leasure expences car,cell phone,internet. I can see why your new gf would be jealous but do all in your power to assure her there is nothing there between you and your ex. Like i said be sure to take the new gf along when you are around your ex and things should get easier. If not she is just way to jealous and you need to move on to someone who can put more trust in you. God Bless and i hope all works out for you. ↑ |
| Name: Colin | Date: Nov 8th, 2008 1:48 PM |
Aaron, you are not wrong. I have been divorced 8 years and have had a girlfriend for about the same amount of time.
My girlfriend refuses to be in the same room as my ex-wife, who I get along with. We have two children, ages 18 and 23. The older one has moved out of the ex's house and is living with her boyfriend. My family is friendly with both my ex and girlfriend, but the girlfriend wants me to tell my ex not to show up at any of my family's functions. I don't know what to do! ↑ |
| Name: anonymous | Date: Jan 22nd, 2009 6:33 PM |
| I have a boyfriend that is way to close to his ex and it bothers me alot. I myself have children with someone else as well does he with her. However there has to be boundaries. In my opinion if all that your relationship is, is what is in the best interest of the children, that is what is important. It sounds to me that you do not spend time with her unless it is something that is important to the children. Two birthdays that is silly, School concerts well that cant be helped. Maybe include your girlfriend in the things that are important to you, your children invite her along to these things so then she has nothing to feel uneasy about. The most important thing is the well being of the children and to let your girlfriend know that you want her apart of that life. Ask her how she feels about what it is you plan on doing. Trust me it is not easy and if you keep it only about the children that is one thing but you cant be bestfriends with your ex it is not fair. ↑ |
| Name: W Taylor | Date: Feb 9th, 2009 2:33 PM |
| Name: Girlfriend | Date: Apr 13th, 2009 3:50 AM |
| I am having a similar issue with my boyfriend. I'm divorced, no kids; he's divorced 3 kids (20, 18, and 14). All three live at home with him. Recently, he lost his house due to foreclosure. The mother helped with the packing and moving. Although he said he was an angel for helping out, I believe it was her duty as a mother to those kids. I can't put her on a pedalstol. Especially after what I've been dealing with. We're long distance, so the only time I see him is when I go out to his place. They've been divorced for 6 years, separated 2 years prior. Up until Nov of last year, she didn't want much to do with the kids. She wouldn't come to the house unless his sister was in town. If the kids went to her house, he had to drop them off at her house, or a mutual place. She remarried about two years ago. The kids know she's not happy with their dad dating me. And because they have issues with her, they've been pushing her buttons to piss her off when it comes to me. So that has now made it a difficult situation to be around. In Nov, she started coming over to the house after the kids got out of school, "to visit with them because they won't go see her." She would stay for 3 or so hours, but always leaves before my boyfriend gets home from work. In January this year, she decided that she now needs to spend more time with her children and stay the night when my boyfriend is away on business. Two of the children are not happy about it, but he said that if all three weren't happy, then he do something. Since she now stays at the house, she now wears his bathrobe and she has even resorted to wearing my clothes (since I left 3 days of clothes there). Since he moved to another house, I was hoping boundaries would be set in place. But no. She will be staying with the kids while he's away at the end of this month. He believes that when his youngest turns 18, all this will stop. But since it has nothing to do with the well-being of those children and she is doing to show me that she's still married to him, it's not going to end. Now I'm in the process of moving out there to be near him and wondering if I made a mistake. My advice: Tell him how you feel, ask if he woudl comprise on sometype of boundaries, and seek counseling if you still want to date this individual. In my situation, the kids see that she only comes around alot when I'm in town. And that is unhealthy for any relationship. Those kids need to know that their mother is there for them...not because of the girlfriend. Since I don't have much time with him, I don't discuss it. I won't discuss it over the phone, emails, or texts. I'm hoping after the move, the discussion will come, even if we can go to counseling. Some friends think I'm crazy, and maybe I am. But this has been a man I've admired and respected for 17 years. And I know there's a good man behind the drama. I'm just waiting to see if it comes out. ↑ |
| Name: cmion | Date: Aug 24th, 2009 11:27 PM |
IF THEY LIKE EACH OTHER SO MUCH AND DESIRE THEIR FAMILY LIFE/FAMILY CLOSENESS, THEN YOU SHOULD STEP ASIDE AND LET THEM BACK AT EACH OTHER. They will either get back together or BE REMINDED WHY THEY DIVORCED IN THE FIRST PLACE!! Then you have a real chance with this guy w/o the drama being created now. Ultimately, you will be invited by him to go along w/him and the kids and the ex will get a separate life as well--unless they are still in love with each other and divorced only on paper. BUT YOUR LIFE IS WORTH MORE HERE. FIND OUT!! RIGHT!! And of course, we know that co-parenting is good. But it stops there!!
However, they've likely had a chance to get back together--BUT DIDN'T--and are triangling you to help them feel better about their being together. For example, you seem to help to reduce the tension between your boyfriend and his ex; you've become the problem (the "insecure one," etc.) while they get along... the focus is off them, and they're looking at you complaining, feeling uneasy. That's how triangulation works. Create some consequences and stop being afraid of lossing him. Like I said, let them two at each other again. If he loves you, he'll come running back to you from her. And this will give him a chance to miss you. Don't be afraid. If he's "the one," you'll find out when you give him the consquences of missing you. If not, you've saved yourself some heart and headache.
In a nutshell, the picture of a family changes when there is a "real divorce" not just on paper. Actions change. Ex-s make room for someone else in their life and they actively put someone else in their picture. Moreover, they make room for their ex-s to put someone new in theirs too!! ↑ |
| Name: Great ex wife | Date: Oct 10th, 2009 10:57 PM |
| I am in the same situation, and I am the ex wife. My ex and I have been apart for over 2 years and have up until a month ago had a very friendly relationship. We have never had an inappropriate element to our seperation and only help eachother out when it comes to our daughter or taking him out for fathers day. His off and on again girlfriend finds every act of kindness to me as inappropriate. It is great for our daughter to see her parents always getting along. She needs to grow up and realize not everything is about her. Good job-don't give into the insecure girlfriends-they are not doing what is in the best interest of your children. ↑ |
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