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I haven't posted on here before, usually I am in due date. Well, here's my story....I am divorced and remarried, I am pregnant with my first child, and my husband has two kids with his ex. They never had a good relationship, yet they still had kids together, which I have a problem with. I don't understand why people have children thinking that it fix things, when all that happens is things get worse. Anyway, I try really hard to get along with my dh ex, and it is much easier now because we live 10 hours away. I love my life with my dh. Things couldn't be more wonderful between us. The issue is that his kids have no guidance or boundaries, and obviously act just like their mother. She doesn't even raise them, and has her mother (who is ill with cancer) taking care of them every day. Well, my husband is on his way back home from picking them up for spring break, and I find myself becoming more and more angry that they will be here for a week. They completely stress my out, our relationship changes because they are so needy, probably due to the fact that they never actually get to spend time with a parent, and I become unbearable by the end of the week. I don't at all want to feel any anger or resentment towards my step-kids, but I do. We talk about getting custody of them because they are in a bad situation with their mom, but it makes me cringe when I think about it. My husband says it is my decision, and not to decide until we've had them for 6 weeks during the summer. On one hand I want to sue her for custody because the kids deserve better. On the other hand I want to have my husband and our new baby, and no one else. I don't understand why after 2.5 years I still get this feeling when they come over. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that they look and act so much like their mother it is like having her in my house. I despise this woman, though the only person who truly knows that is my husband. We've had phone conversations, I've picked up and dropped off the kids several times, I even kept the kids by myself while my dh was out of town for a couple of weeks on two different occassions. He knows I don't look forward to his kids coming down. We've had discussions and fights about it. I try really hard to stay positive, and I was doing better this time. I was completely fine and looking forward to him coming home until he called at 9:00 this morning and I heard the kids in the car. He immediately knew. I don't want to put my husband in a bad situation, though I already have, and I don't want to stress myself out. Especially now that I am pregnant. I know that I have these feelings for his kids because of his ex, but I don't want it to be that way. It has been long enough I should be over this. How can I make their visit a good one? How can I not become so stressed and angry before they come. Usually after they have been here for an hour or so, and things have calmed down I'm fine. Everything leading up to that is pure hell, and I feel like I am letting myself and my husband down.
I know this was kinda all over the place, and for that I apologize. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
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I know that no one is on right now, but I just wanted to add that as I read through my post I feel like such an aweful person. I love and adore all children, and have never felt any ill feelings toward any child. Unfortunately my step-kids have been the exception. They are so different from any of the kids I have been close with in my life. They are lazy (they won't even go outside to play unless you make them, then they are back in the house within 10 min), they are incredibly rude and I feel like I am constantly hounding on them to be respectful. The poor kids have no common sence(sp) because they aren't made to do anything to encourage thought at their mom's. I feel like it is constantly a battle when they are here. I feel so aweful!
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I wish that I could say something to make you feel better, but I don’t know what it would be. You’re in a tough spot and you are having to deal with all of the BMs parenting mistakes. You didn’t say the age of the kds, but I do know that most of their behavior is learned in the first 5 years.
Is it going to come between you and your H is you don’t take the kds? I felt the same way about my SD for a long time. She lived with us for a while and it was just like living with the X. She does not look like her, but everything she says or does is just like something her BM would do.
The best advice that I can give you is do the best that you can. Even though you and your baby are important to him those other 2 kds are equally as important to him. In this situation since BM is not doing her job and the caregiver has cancer social services is probably going to get involved. Of course he would want to take his kds rather than see them go into foster care.
If you get stressed and BF is home get in the car and take a drive so that you can get away from it for awhile.
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Thanks for the advice. The kids are 7 and 9. They're doing pretty good so far, but H and I have talked and we both know that their behavior is short lived. H says that the custody is up to me and he would not hold it against me either way. If their BM doesn't change her ways I will obviously choose to have the kids with us. If she can be a good mom, I don't know. Thanks again, and we'll just have to see how things go for now.
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honey, I totally understand and sympathize with your situation!!!! I am marrying a man in sept. that has a 4 year old daughter and a 7 year old son. I have a whole lot of mixed emotions about these kids and this situation. We have the kids every other weekend and every other mon and thur. I do not look foward to those days and it makes me feel like scum. The kids get to do whatever they want at there moms and spend alot of time with sitters, when they gat to our house we have to deal with back talk, no i wont, crying and fits when they don't get there way, and disrespectfulness. My fiance did not see this at first but is now starting to realize that there are some major discipline issues. I want to enforce punisments and consequnces for actions and he does not. He is scared that the kids are not going to want to come to our house is we start laying down the law, and he feels like all he does the whole time is yell at them. Im trying to expain to him that if we are very consitent with what is expected and consequences for a good month or 2 that they will finally start to get it, and when they are older they will realize that we cared enough to mold them into good respectful human beings. I also struggle with jealousy issues when it comes to the way that my fiance responds to his kids compared to me. By the end of the weekend I am frustrated and cant wait to send them home. I wish it was just me and him, no kids and I feel awful about that. He wants full custody and I don't know if i can handle that. I have also told him that if he doesnt start disciplining the kids that i will not marry him because i want to have kids with him, and this is NOT how my kids will be raised!!!!!! I know that it helps to talk with others in the same situation and I actually didnt realize that i wasnt the only one feeling this way. If you wnat to talk, I could really use the conversation on this topic..call me at 704-858-0463 thanks and my name is Leigh
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i just wanted to add that I love my step kids and want only what is best for them!! The issues that I am having regarding the kids and the situation are NEVER reflected in the way that I treat or love the kids. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone with these feelings. Both of our situations are not what we grew up thinking we would be in. I always thought I would get married have kids and it would be simple. That is not the case, and that can get frustrating and overwhelming alot of the time.
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Don't take this as me being harsh, but you have the right to feel the way you do, as feelings can't be helped. But at the same time it is a little selfish to want to keep it you, your husband, and your new one to be. They are his children, and going into the relationship you knew he had them. whether or not they were living with you at the time. All step parents should have the expectation that that child could live with them permanlty one day. They have behavorial problems that in large amounts is cased by there mothers parenting, so why not take the time to help correct them. I mean if you guys get custody you can give them a better shot at life and being better people. Isn't that owed to them as children, i mean they are the innocent ones. By not allowing that because of your feelings, you are being selfish to those childrens. Just rememember that one day your husband might not be you husband, how would you feel if the woman he was with didn't lie you children and wanted to exclude them. I say this because i am goin through this.
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Dear automans girl, it sounds as though u feel sorry for those children. They might be behaving like this because of their mother dieing of cancer and the divorce. You say you hate the Biological mother may I ask you how secure are your relationship with your husband, get over that. It sounds to me like you need the Lord Jesus Christ in your life and become a christian. I'll prayer for you. How abouts getting over the hatred of their Biological mother and trying to say good things in front of her. Don't feel guilty instead just take it slowy.
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Dear automansgirl,
I too am a step-mom. First thing, you knew your husband had children before your married so that is something you are going to have to deal with. My husband and I have been together nine years and I have helped raise his kids since they were young. We have teenagers now, his two and my one, and let me tell you things never get easier. It is a constant battle trying to balance that family life when you don't feel part of it always. I can assure you it is a normal feeling that everyone goes through. My husband's ex-wife is a basket case most of the time and I never know what her angle is when she does something. She is sneaky, conniving and deceitful and I see my stepdaughter growing up to be just like her. My husband's ex cheated on him and broke up their marriage and she instills it into the kids head that he is the bad gay, a loser and a bad father to them. We have the kids every weekend and probably more if my husband didn't work out of town. I feel badly for my husband, watching him hurt and trying so hard to be the best thing in his kids eyes. As I always say, this is the hardest thing someone could have to deal with in their life. My husband and I have been through real tough times, talk of divorce, his kids accusing me of doing things I never did and the fact that I feel like they don't always like me even though I try very hard with them. I don't try to replace their mother, but I do try to let them know that I am there for them when they need me.
My advice to you....hang in there. It is never easy dealing with the stepfamily. It is something you will constantly have to work at, making sure everyone fits in. Please don't put your husband in the middle of it and let him know you don't want his kids around. I know you said they remind you so much of their mother, but try and remember they are a part of him too and try loving them for that. They are not perfect, nor are we. Hold you head high and deal with things a day at a time. Don't expect miracles because they just don't happen in situations like this. Hopefully, when the kids mature and grow up to be adults/parents themselves, they will see that you came through for them and will accept you into their lives. That too is just a hope though. Try talking to your husband and let him know what makes you feel uncomfortable. Do you feel like the kids are taking time away from you when they come over? Just know that they are children and need their dad's attention too just like you, but that there is time when you two will be together to spice up your life. We are so consumed with our kids that I just figure the only time we will have together is when our kids move out of our house and I think I'm okay with that because I love my husband and he truly is a good man. Good luck with your situation and don't give up on your family!!
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man i know the feeling my husband's step son lives with us because custody was taken away from his mother. his mother is one of those moms that do what ever whenever wherever and has never been a true mother. so because of this my step son has so many mental issues and anger in him and it effects the entire household. I have two girls of my own and they act completely diffrent from him. for 5 years now he has been in trouble at least 4 times out of every month in school and at home. and what makes it worse that sometimes his dad does not punish him and when i talk to his dad about punishing is son, me and my husband get into arguements. im at the point were im ready to call it quits. i love my husand but that is his son. he is 13 in the 8th grade, i have dealth with this for 5 years and i dont think i can take another 5 years and even after that he will problaby still cause problems at the age of 18 and actually an adult. i love kids but this one will make me never be with a man with a kid again! every since i have known him he has caused nothing but trouble in our home. i keep telling myself that its not his fault, its his mom's fault but thats getting tired! at this point i dont know what to do!
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What you feel is normal - at least I think so. I felt the same way when my husband's kids came to live with us after 1 year. It was the 3 of us plus 2! I raised my son and my ex was and is very supportive of my H. However, my H's ex is "something else".
She will do anything to make my husband and I out to be the bad guys in the boys eyes. Yet, the court found it necessary to give my husband custody of the boys. They came to us (I had a say) when they were 8 and 13. It was the hardest decision I ever made.
TODAY - I can say it was the BEST decision I ever made. I have grown as a person.
I have had to learn how to love my step kids and treat them the way I would want my child to be treated if he were being raised by someone else. It has been hard but worth it. My step kids have had a life and are becoming young men that they would not have had the chance to become if it weren't for living here with us.
I have been called every name under the book by their mother, my husband and I sabotaged - YET WE KEPT GOING... for the kids sake. I would expect/hope/pray another mother would do the same for my son if I was not able to.
I have screwed up many times!!! I have had to say Sorry to the kids. The only thing I know my husband and I have done right is we have not given up on our blended family no matter how hard things have been. They are kids - they didn't ask for this. I grew up in a divorced family and it sucks.
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when I met my dh he already had partial custody of a 6 & 9 yr old daughters. Ex wife was crazy, drugs, alcohol and abusive bf. We now have full custody and I'm in the process of adopting them cuz there mom gave up all rights. But that didnt make it any easier . I'm also pregnant with my first baby on the way. My stepkids have awful behaviors learned from bm and resentment. I now regret adopting them but I can't tell my husband that. It doesnt ever seem to get easier with stepkids
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i married an englishman i met online, i was a single mom,15 yrs of 4, 3 yrs in feb married, he and my youngest, 16yr daughter,
it just keeps getting worse, he is a control freek
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I am in the same situation. My bf has an ex that is awfully hard to deal with. They have 2 kids as well one only being biologically his. The one that isn't his wants desperately to know her father but her mother refuses to let her. Her behaviour started to change when my bf and I got pregnant. I caught the one stealing from our house and her mother never punished her for it and just said what happens at your house stays at your house. We talked to her and it, she was 11 at the time, her mother gave her the permission to call me whatever name in the book she wanted to and the whole thing ended up being my fault. Now the kids haven't been here for over a year. But the ex tells the children it is because of me and that their father just wants his new family. I feel like there will never be a solution to this. Because she is the one who always wants control, but I don't want the kids growing up thinking that they don't see their father because of me. My bf is so frustrated with her that he won't even talk to her. I try so hard to stay out of it but my bf doesn't really make an effort to change things because of her. Any suggestions would be helpful....
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yes oh gosh how i can relate to you. my husband has 4 kids 3 with one woman and 1 with another. i always said i would never marry a man with kids and i did cause i fell in love and he is the best man i have ever been with. his x is very jealious of me. they let the kids come then they dont they play with the kids head bad. and the children love me to death but on the other hand i am glad they dont come cause it is hard for me to accept they are part of the other woman. one child we can have custody of right now but i backed out cause fear rose up over me. will he treat her different than my 2 girls that are not his, will he love her more than me? but what i found that is helping me out is one i admit i am jealious of them, i pray ask GOD to help me love them like my own. to help me to accept them, and last i am starting councelling with my pastor. i try to visualize what if we were in those kids shoes, would we not want our step parent to love me, how would i feel if i found out my step parent really did not like me? but believe you me i totally understand you. my email is kaymar34gah@yahoo.com. we could chat sometimes. it is hard but with the help of GOD we can pass this. oh what about the in laws do they like you? his family hate me. we dont even talk to them. write sometime we could maybe help each other...
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ke;;y 76 hey my in laws along with my husbands x had his kids not to see us anymore and it is hard for him i have never mistreated them but let me tell you the kids do see what parent is at fault and his 25 year old son at time sneaks and calls us and he let us no it was his mom and granny is why he cant come. cause i thought gosh they must hate us but in the truth will come to light. we kinda quit fighting for them ourselves but they quick to take out child support and leave us with nothing. i get so tired of this and at times i wish i would not be marry to him but umm i fell in love and it is hard to turn my back..hey my email is kaymar34gah@yahoo.com write if you want we kinda going through the same thing..
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kelly oops i met 15 year old son sorry and one of his kids have pselby palsey
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I know its hard raising someone elses children, you have to tell them the rules of your household and tell them their will be punishments when they break the rules, I have 2 teenage step kids, and when they break a rule they get warned if they do it again they get spanked, their mother backs me up, that may not work for everyone bot they got to learn that their will be punishments for desobedence.
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I think your feelings are completely normal. If you don't in your heart of hearts want these kids to live with you, don't play the martyr. Just because they exist doesn't mean that you have no right to a happy life. You have a great marriage and a baby on the way. You can, and sounds like you should, say no. You don't need to find "really, really good" reasons. Not wanting is enough. You didn't marry a man who lived with children, you married a man whose children live 10 hours away and occasionally visit. THAT is what you agreed to. I have the same situation (minus pregnancy) and I told my fiance, who harbored a fantasy of them coming to live with us, that I didn't want them. He was disappointed, but in the end, its better. We are happily married and have lovely lives. On occasion I feel a bit guilty, especially when he says something about how he misses them. But my life and marriage are wonderful, and I don't want it to change. His kids would ruin everything. They're not bad children, but so are lots of other kids - I dont want any living in my house, regardless. You know how much work you are saddled with when they visit. If you hate it, don't martyr yourself for years and years. You'll just end up bitter and divorced. Childern have no more right to happiness than you. Just because they're smaller doesn't mean you have to concede. You are in ciontrol of your happiness, so just grab it and run.
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PS - Don't let anyone pressure you. Stand firm. They may be little, butthey already have one divorce under their belt. You don't like them and you don't want them. Don't apologize for it. Lots of newly married, pregnant women would balk at the idea of 2 lazy, useless roommates they can't stand. It isn't strange, it would be strange if you actually thought that this was a GOOD idea.
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I feel the same way you do.When my step kids were young I didnt care for them and their upbringing,But you know what they are now 32 and 26 and my husband just doesnt want to let go.And this really drives me crazy.I want them out of my life. my husband pays all their bills and they are the lazest people i ever met.
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I feel your pain, believe me. I have been with my fiance for 4 years and he has 4 daughters. Ages 7,11,13,15. Last year we gained custody of the 13 year old because her mother, who has just destroyed these girls lives, gave her up. We have worked with her for a year to respect people and herself. Last month her mother gave us custody of the 15 year old. When she moved in she begged me not to tell her Dad she might be pregnant. I told her I wouldn't and took her to get tested, which thank heavens was negative. She swore up and down that she would never do anything like that again. Well, this past weekend she went to visit her mom and I found out that she had sex again and I told her Dad......she hasn't spoken to me in days.
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Raising step-children is the most ungrateful, unrewarding job in the world. You get all the work, non or the rewards. No matter how hard you try, how well you do there is always someone looking over your shoulder telling you how you messed up. The kids (and usually the Bio-parents) are there to remind you you're not the parent. I say kill them with kindness. Kids are only kids for a short time. They are adults for much longer.
My husband asked me once why I'm always so nice to his ex and her kids. I explained to him that one day when the kids are adults and they turn out just like they're mom I'll know I did the best I could and that I didn't mess them up.
Let me tell you it's not easy. He has a 17yr old with his ex, she also has a 13 yr old and a 4yr old. He had thought the middle child was also his. Just before the childs 6th B-day we found out he wasn't the dad. Mom (not my husband) told the kid (in her own twisted way). My husband has little to no contact with this child not by his own choice but because the mother has destroyed any relationship. Of course because they were married and he had thought the kid was his he still has to pay the support.
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You are not an awful person for expressing your true feelings in that post.
I have been married 15 years to a man who had three children with his ex. They kids were 4-5 and 9 when we married. I sacrificed so much and did so m uch for all of them over the years. At the end of the day- we realized something that may help you..... despite our best efforts to guide , direct and provide their mother is the most influential person in their life. All that we tried to do was undone by their birth Mom. We spent years fighting for a better life for them and we always seemed to lose. It is incredibley hard to parent from a distance or on vacations.
Consider yourself lucky that you can focus on your baby and you both can raise that child with all the love and guidance that it will need. If it comes down to it and you have to get custody it will be easier to get them back on track- just remember that their Mom will probably try and undermine you both. Just take the high road and don't let it get to you.
Although my step kids love me and I love them- their Mom will always win. She did terrible,neglectful things over the years and was amazingly selfish- which negatively impacted the two girls self esteems. at the end of the day I am still not their BM and will laways be on the outside to a degree. I was not able to have my own- so I always went the extra mile for the kids. Now, I wonder if it was all worth it.....
Best of luck and Congrats on the new baby.
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Hey.. You can totally try to having another life ! I know there so many good guys seeking their soulmatch on the largest single parents club www.singleparentloving.com .maybe you can have a try there !
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