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Last night I tried to get my husband to explane something to his daughter about her being unfair to people and there things, I didn't want him to punish her just talk to her. When I asked him to talk to her she starts crying and her dad starts to feel bad for her and then she lies to him and causes him to get mad at me and he starts to yell at me and threaten me. She went to her bedroom and writes on her mirror, "I love my dady, and mom." I was okay untill I seen that. I feel like I am acting like a child but I can't help feeling that she did not put my name on the mirror to hurt my feelings. I take care of her more that her mother and father put together. So why does she hate me and why can't her and I get along? I will never trust anything she says again.
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Hi MaryJane,
I am a step mother of two a boy 17 and a girl 20 and it has been a trip I would not take again. I married my husband when they were 3 and 5. I have to say that I beleive it is so hard for women to get along. I too have that pull on my husband with this girl. He cannot see what she does in the light I can. At this point in time I do not talk to her or interact with her because there is such strain on my relationship with my husband over it. She turns everything around to meet her needs. She is away at college now and we still have fights over her. I know my husband says to me that she won't come home to visit soon because she won't want to becasue of me. Well you know what that is ok with me if I have peace in my home. I hope you will get more advice that will help you, but I wanted you to know you are not alone. Just so you know I didn't go into this relationship wanting this out come it's been years in the making and you feel like a horrible person. I don't believe that I am in other areas in my life. I would help anyone but not her. Thanks for your letter to see there are other people out there in similar situations. Good luck to you!
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Hi mj4175!
Being a parent is hard...but, being a step-parent to me is harder a times. I felt my step-kids could not stand me most of the time. Although I did my best to be a decent parent to them. And, at the same time...I could not discipline (sp) them the same as our child either. I tried to let my hubby do a majority of the discipline. Honestly she probably did that on purpose to hurt your feelings. But, I'm sure she is feeling hurt at the same time. Blended families take so much more work to me. Everyone invoved get's put in the middle, torn, feelings hurt, & feels left out at times. I would suggest to just keep doing the best you feel you can...letting her know she is loved. And...I know from experience do not make your hubby feel like he is being put in the middle. The outcome may not be a pleasant one. I understand how frustrating it can be, you are not alone on this. Good Luck!
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I want to add...I don't think she hates you so to speak. She hates the situation. And...she will try to put one parent against the other. Kids do that when they are not in blended families. Again I wish you luck!
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I feel for you. My situation with my step daughter is about the same if not worse. I am starting to hate her because she is about to cause us a divorce due to her lies and stealing my things. I need help too. I don't even want to go home because she is there. I know she is purposely desroying my things for me to get mad and it starts a fight between me and my husband. He takes her side. She is 14 and she is very sexually active and I think she is also taking drugs. I know she drinks. But he won't listen to anybody. She has even had an abortion. She is totally evil. I am a christian and have 4 other children that have rules to go by but not this one and I don't know what to do anymore. I need help.
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Hi All,
I'm a Christian mom of three of my own but step mom to a 12 year old daughter and a 10 year old son. I first came into their life when they were 4 & 2. I agree with you ALL, this is not an easy situation and all any of us want is to do the right thing. I think first off we all need to remember that this is the concequence of divorce and why it shouldn't happen. Yes there are the few acceptions but come on even before we say I do we do have a pretty good idea what we're about to jump into. Anyways my point here is the kids are the innocent ones and while they may act out vindictivly (sp) they have a valid reason why and it's our job as the parent to be mature and nuture and help them figure it out. Sure it's easier when they're not there because then the conflict is WAY less, out of sight out of mind right? The first place to start is with ALL parents involved NEED to find COMMON ground. Even if there's things you don't agree on agree to disagree. With me and my husbands ex wife we have TOTALLY different oppinions on a lot of things but we agree on the basics and for the rest we just agree to disagree and we've been very open about it. When the child see's that all the parents are on the same side it's a lot harder for them to play one parent against the other. As for your husbands, try not to put down his child. If someone where putting your child down and accusing them of awful things you too would become defensive no matter how obvious the situation may be. So approach him with a loving and calm approach and don't come right out and say YOUR daughter is stealing from me but maybe mention casually you have some stuff missing and you don't know where it's gone to. Give him a chance to respond because chances are he's already thinking the same thing you are. My other bit of advise is to start building a relationship with your step child. Start with small things, going for ice cream, a walk, a movie and try and spend more time with them and really try hard to get to know them. Share things about yourself that they may not know to open the door for them to share things about themselves. Even if they don't open up to you let them know your ALWAYS there for them no matter what. Except them for who they are and don't knock them or their parents you'll just cause them to put up another wall making it that much harder to break into. Always put yourself in their shoes before you act or speak and ask yourself how that would feel for you! For all you Christian parents my #1 bit of advise is your need to put GOD & prayer first in your life, your husband second, your children third & your spiritual growth fourth. I PROMISE you will be blessed if you do this. PRAY PRAY PRAY, the power of prayer works wonders. So Angie, while you may think that your step daugher is evil I would highly suggest as Christian to Christian you search a little deeper into why this young girl is so sexually active and felt the need to have an abortion etc. There's always a deeper issue and she's clearly acting out of anger and hurt. Being a step parent is a difficult task no matter what anyone say's but God will not give us anything we can't handle and remember that he put you into these young peoples lives for a reason, so try and be the light in their young lives not a thorn in their sides. I hope this helps! God Bless you all!
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FIrst thing, you and your husband have to stand as a united front before his daughter. If she thinks she can play one off the other, she will. When you want a subject brought up, ALL of u sit down and discuss it. You have to pick your battles, was this discussion you purported your husband to do really a big deal? All kids are unfair, their kids. She wrote that on the mirror because she wants her parents, she wants to feel safe, and her parents are her saftey. If your trying to hard to be "mom" she may resent u for pushing too hard. If she has two loving, involved parents, then your roll is to be supportive. She isnt' writing your name not to hurt your feelings! She writing her mom and dad cause she feels you are attacking her, like, Mommy, daddy, help me! I do think your acting very childish and need to take a new perspective. You will never be her mother, you have to keep in your place, or someday when she is older, she'll put u in it.
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Hi, I'm a Christian Mom. I have 2 step children and 1 son who are living at home. My husband I married 2 1/2 years ago. My stepdaughter and I didn't hit off at all. When my husband and I decided to support each other 100% it changed all of us for the better. The one problem I thought I would never have to face is the one now... I'm so depressed and I know through prayer and faith it will all turn out but what do I do in the mean time? My stepdaughter who is 15 is pregnant by my son who is 15 next month. How am I supposed to handle this? Is there anybody facing the same problem?
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my name mamady i neded a help to get some imput because my wife she is good parent but i'm being scare because we have a child and she drink and smoke drug in front of kid hoo is 5 year old so i'm conffuse 4 that not to effect the kid life but my wife don't think it will effect kidlive so pls i need peoples point of view thanks.
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Wow, my step-daughter did something similiar to me this summer. I sat her down and spoke to her that she hurt my feelings and that it was not ok. I let her know it was ok to be angry that her mom and dad got a divorce, but not to be mean to the ones who love you and want to be there for you. Since then we have a moment now and again, but we are closer than ever. I take care of my step-daughter more than her parents also. It is very hard for a girl to love her step-mother as much as her real mom and when she starts to feel that way it's very confusing and they may lash out. Be there for her and support her and let her know no matter what you love her. She is just confused. You are probably one of the best things that happened to her. Belive in yourself I am sure your doing a great job!
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Wow, this has all been so helpful learning from everyone's experience. My 14 year old stepdaughter came to live with us a year ago after her stepfather molested her. She was already dealing with adoption and divorce (when she was 5). Her twin moved in last month and I am totally stressed out. They are both very emotional girls who were raised without much structure, and my husband has a laid back attitude. She takes it very personally if I try to set limits myself, saying she can't do anything right. We've had a good relationship in the past, but lately she has cut herself off from me and is very secretive. She goes from being sweet to very hateful, even admitting she is trying to break me and her father up. Just yesterday she lied and went out with a 21 year old after claiming he was 16. I'm afraid for her but I guess all she hears is my frustration. I'm also afraid all the stress is going break up me and her father. We're going for couples' counseling and about to start family therapy, plus she has her own therapist, so I hope something will start to click soon. It does help to read that others feel as helpless and frustrated as I do. I guess I will just keep trying to show her I love her and care about her, and try to understand what she is feeling. Personally I have found that meditation helps when I have the presence of mind to do it. I love the Buddhist author Pema Chodron, especially her books Start Where You Are and Don't Bite the Hook. I am trying to be accepting of my feelings and not react so quickly or emotionally , and give myself space to understand what I am feeling.
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it is hard to deal with step children in my persent time i'm also dealing woih this and is causing me to start with divorce process on my wife but I'm I divorcing my wife or the step daughter, it will br hard to trust her again because it does get worst. I hate to tell you this. have you tried consuling , but to do this all will have to agree on this and its out come, no matter what. I have started to hated coming home to this step daughter do to all the lies and fights, but I have two boys 1 that is 8n yrs old and 1 that is 22 months. the step daughter treats them like shit and it is hard to deal with. thoinl thngs through and go for the easy plan to get your self through first..
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I am a step father for a 19 year old girl. I have bee her step dad since she has been 16. Her real dad has never been a dad to her. He always put her down and kicked her when she was down. I really feel for her and want to be the loving, caring dad she deserves to have. I don't know how to break down the walls. Please help
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I have to say that the situation is totally opposite for me. I am a stepfather of a 19 year old girl and for four years now I have been trying to build a realtionship with her and it seems impossible. I know that she has a hard time trusting another father in her life after the way her birth father treated her, but I want to prove to her that I want to be the father she has always dreamed of. Do you have any suggestions?
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Oh, boy do I know this story well. Here's the saddest part. That is the beginning, middle and end of the story. I mena this is how it seems it will always go. WE (stepmom) sacrifice so much of our lives for our husbands kids because we love them and we will ALWAYS be the bad guys! I don't have any solutions. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. Seems to me the fathers need to grow a pair and wake up. Sorry, I guess I am bitter
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Hi Everyone,
I am going through the same things. I have been having my two step children since they are 4 and 2. It has been a constant battle with the discipling. Since then we have had a child of our own and I believe strongly in discipline and it seems like our little girl is the only one who must follow the rules in the house. Every time his kids are over they pretty much do as they please. He allows them to stay up passed their bedtimes and it drives me insane. I feel like he does it to show me they dont' have to follow rules over here. It makes me hate him. He is always doing things against me instead of standing by my side. They are now 12 and 10 and he insist that the 12 year old girl is so innocent and does nothing on purpose. When our daughter was born she took a razor and cut up a bath toy that was in the bath tub that belonged to my daughter. She also broke a picture frame in her room and threw the broken piece behind her stuffed animals so i couldn't find it. I never told him about that but he new about the bath toy and the first thing was she didn't do it on purpose. Of course her mother had to put her two cents in and say she didn't mean anything by it. Well one cut is one thing but about 10-15 slashes in the toy is another. She would take my stuff and say she didn't have it. So my stuff would disappear all the time. My husband who do nothing of course because she is so innocent. She comes over and walks around my house with her attitude. She acts like she is his wife or girlfriend the way she questions him and tells him what to do or answers him and tells him what she is going to do. When is the ever going to stop?? I am sick of it. We agree on rules and then he underminds me and lets them do what he wants. His son gets in trouble at school and nothing is ever done about it. The mother doesn't think whipping or punishing is the right thing to do. Everyone seems to want to blame it on the divorce. They have been divorced since they were 4 and 2. They were barely even old enough to know what was going on. You can't blame it on divorce for the rest of their lives. Kids grow up everyday with parents that are divorced so what makes these kids so different. You can't excuse everything just because they are living with divorced parents. I am so sick and tired of arguing over this. My 4 year old is going to think it is normal to break the rules. When we bought this house the rules were no eating or drinking in their rooms. Well when they ask he lets them. We agreed to buy them a four wheeler but they must wear a helmet at all times. Well what do you know he didn't stick to his word for that either. It is a never ending battle. His word means nothing and I am so sick and tired of it. How can I raise my child like this? He will constantly go against me instead of standing by my side and saying no the rules are the rules. How am I suppose to live the rest of my life with him making me out to be the bad guy. It is not fair. Knowing what I know now I should have been more careful who I chose to have a child with because that is a major problem. My parents never underminded each other like he does to me. My dad would have never done to my mom what he does to me this is crazy!! Does anyone have any advice for me because I am pretty much at the end of my rope I cannot live like this much longer.
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Hey people-
I also have a very similar situation. My stepdaughter is 13 now and we have had her solely for 6 years. In the beginning, things were great but her mother became jealous and told her that she did not have to respect me becasue I am not her parent.
Now she destroys my belongings, talks back, calls me a b*****, tells me that she wants me to leave, etc. But when her dad is around, she says that she loves me and that she does not want me to leave her dad.
He is so blind to it all, he does not believe that she is doing all this negative stuff. I did leave him for 2 months, and he swore that she really missed me, as well as he missed me. But I think she missed having someone to blame her problems on.
I have told him that I am not staying,and that I plan tomove into my own apartment, but he really does nto seem to care,because he still does not address these issues with her.
I am really frustrated and fed up- Her mom is still not in the picture, only enough to keep "feces" stirred up....Thanks to her mom, I am not permitted to discipline her, or to parent her- all this by court order. Yea- the child can live in my home, but I cannot have authority!
Any advice? Because my bags are packed again, and at the door.
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my step daughter has got her wish and split up me and my missus. here it is. my ex tells me how happy her daughter is. probably because i am gone. my ex banged on about how we should do things together as a family and when we did her daughter would constantly focus on her mum during these trips and indeed at home. mum this mum that. and when she did bother to acknowledge that i was even in the room it would be "does anybody know this" deliberately not askin me directly. my missus said just treat her like your own, itll make me happy. so i did but found out that if i told her off that was a no go area and the missus would side with her. she never takes the blame for anything. it wasnt me it was him syndrome. my exs answer to every problem with her daughter? shes only a child!!!!!!! 14yrs old and still acts like an 8yr old. crys throws wobblies and my god she once told me when we were having a conversation that she thought her mum was stupid. in the end i could not hold my tongue anymore and told my ex that i did not care for her daughter at all. i had just had enough. i just figured that i did not bring her into the world so what the hell why should i worry about her. she made it obvious over the years that she did not care about me other than to look at me as her mums boyfriend. the funny thing is the crafty child was very happy to treat me with respect when i brought her things. and that was not how i was gonna live my life by sucking up to a vindictive step daughter that would love me when i bought her things and then blank me for a week or two after that. tough luck for her. cause i would have been a great dad to her just like i am to my 2yr old. and before we get all the soft liberals banging on about its not the childs fault well yes it was. i tried she didnt even bother. you know what its her loss. now i am jaded by this young lady. because, as bad as it may sound, she was aware of everything she said about me and managed to convince her mum that i was the bad one. no more stepkids for me. dont bother with em. blood is thicker than water and in the end the step parent is the one that gets left in the cold. i lost someone that i loved to bits and would have done anything for my ex. shes left with a manipulative kid who demands things her mum cant produce and also who thinks her mum is 'stupid'.
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It's very hard being a step parent. If I had know how much misery my stepdaughter would cause me and my kids, I probably wouldn't have married my husband (even though we have a beautiful 2 1/2 yr old daughter together). He's a widow and brought 4 kids into the marriage. I brought 2 kids from my first marriage. 3 of his kids are defiant, lazy and disrespectful. My husband is very passive and it's like pulling teeth to get him on the same page as me. I've been very patient and we will probably start family therapy again. I love his kids and know that it's not all their fault. They lost their mom at a young age after all and I came into the marriage trying to instill structure and rules after they had a "free for all" for several years. Sometimes I get depressed but talking to my friends helps. I try to accentuate the positve and pray a lot for patience, strength and compassion. Best of luck to everyone.
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Everything Alldone says is the same as my experience. You get asked to treat them as your own and yet when its time to use a bit of discipline you become the evil bully. My stepdaughter hates me and for no reason at all. She has tried to wreck my clothes by spraying them in the wardrobe with something thats impossible to remove. She told her younger sister (who does like me) that she had run my toothbrush round the toilet, and she keeps telling her mum that she is leaving soon because she hates life. Her mum has become convinced that it must be my fault because her darling daughter is only a child (shes 12 and very manipulative). The girl keeps her mother on edge all the time, making her think she's going to do something stupid, but somehow it always ends up my fault. I love my partner, but I can't bear this anymore and have to get out.
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I too find my self in a situation where I really cant stand some of my step kids.... My husbands eldest thinks she is married to him and gets ticked when she doesnt get her way (shes 26) it makes me sick to see her around him, she has two sons of her own but neither of the fathers are around. I think she wants her dad to be the ""man" in her life. but my real problem is with his 14 yr son. I have been his step mom since he was 8 when his mom took off with her internet man whom she had an affair with. His kids love her man (that broke up the marriage) but hate me. I came long after the divorce. Well any way his son has done horrible things over the years and my hubby thinks he is innocent. None of my kids live with us ( they are all grown) and one day my grandson asked me if he could play with this purple thing that he found in the front bathroom. I looked at it and couldnt believe my eyes, it was a purple dildo. I dont have aneed for them and the only other people that live in the house are my step son and my husband. Well I confronted my husband and he said maybe one of your daughters brought it in...lol.... come on now... found out the boy stole it from his mom and brought it home... he steals from everyone and lies and is mean....destroys peoples things and his dad doesnt believe it was him. well he went away this summer I went thru his room and guess what... I found lots of things with my husband there and said ok this is what needs to be done.. he agreed.... then his son gets home and nothing happens... no talking to, no spanking no grounding not a thing... so me and my husband are on the outs right now... step son does things wrong but I get the attitude cuz I want something to be done with him...I hate my life and Im starting to hate the males in this household.....
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I understand both sides of this....I don't see how old she is but it sounds like a younger kid that is just having a hard time dealing with divorce...and maybe the fact that both of her parents won't take care of you and she sees you are doing the job. I don't think she hates you at all. I did notice something that stuck out in your comment..."he threatens me" if he is threatening you that is not a good enviroment for you or her!!!! Run as fast as you can!!!
For 12yrs I stayed with a man and took care of his daughter...I loved her like she was my own and neither one of them appreciated it. I taughter her to swim and skate read and write, had all of her parties, and sleep overs....no appreciation what so ever. When I finally divorced him it was hard because I loved her...but the truth is I was used by both of them...she still trys to use me today when she is mad at her dad. As long as he is giving her money she hates me but when he crosses her she "loves me still". Sorry but I am done with both of them!!! She is 21 and she has to remember all I did for her and how aweful her dad was to me.....but for some reason she has selective memory.
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