Hi, I'm 26. I have been married for several years now and my husband and I have a beautiful four year old daughter.
My husband and I lead two seperate lives and rarely meet in the middle. He's a good man, christian, honest and hard working, I am a good christian women, hard working love my daughter but when we spend time together it's like an atomic bomb goes off and we poison everything and everyone around us. I have prayed for a break through thinking maybe it was just my attitude. Maybe I was just being resentful towards this man. But the harder I try to submit and love the more I begin to Loathe him. I am scared because he and I are not emotionally dependant on each other but rather financially dependant. If I leave I don't want to rob him blind or take everything from him because he worked every bit as hard as I did to achieve the life we've obtained but if I leave it is going to be detrimental to my finances considering I won't go without my baby girl. I have a great job but I have no family where we are and i love where we live. I don't know how to make it alone but I think it is killing me to stay. And I feel like I am using him now for money's sake and hiding behind the excuse of trying to salvage my marriage. If anyone could just help? I would greatly appreciate some comforting advice. ↓
|
|
| Name: tb | Date: Dec 12th, 2005 7:14 AM |
| Hi, I'm 25 and been married for 8 years. I also feel my relationship is over but my husband feels that he is happy in it. Lately all we do is fight and I know that is not healthy for our son. Does your husband feel the same way as you? It's always hard when there are kids involved. That is why I've stayed in this relationship so long. You need to do what is good for you if you're truley not in love with him then you need to take a break. Have you ever tried seperation? I hope things work out for you. ↑ |
| Name: Julie | Date: Dec 12th, 2005 8:15 PM |
Hi, TB,
My husband feels like nothing is wrong. I am not even sure he would grant me a divorce should I continue to persue the idea. I have not been financially stable enough to seperate and that scares me to death because of how costly it is to have a child.
But I thought about what you asked, I don't love him anymore, I find myself longing to be alone, and eventually with someone new. I keep thinking that life is too short to feel this unsatiated all the time. But just like you the child factor weighs so heavy on my decision. She is my world and I try to put her needs before mine, but can we really spend a life time pretending? ↑ |
| Name: tb | Date: Dec 13th, 2005 7:14 AM |
| Hi Julie, my husband feels like nothing is wrong either. He always makes it out to be my fault. I recently told him I didn't want to be with him because I am not happy and to be childish he said he was going to go sleep in his truck so I felt bad and let him back in. He's 31 years old and acts like a child sometimes. We also own a house together which makes it even harder because he says he's gonna leave me with that which I can't afford but that's how he trys to trap me. I can afford my own apartment that would be no problem. Life is to short and I'm realizing that myself. I've been with my husband since I was 15 and we got married after I got pregnant at 17 so we've been married for 8 years I feel I've given him a fare chance. If your child is seeing all the fighting it isn't healthy for her either. I've tried to fall back in love with him but it just hasn't worked. Life is to short you have to do whats good for you. The money situation, there's always help out there till you get on your feet. Hang in there and make sure this is the decision you want to make. If you would like to talk let me know. ↑ |
| Name: Julie | Date: Dec 13th, 2005 7:13 PM |
Hey TB,
I always want to talk. I know what you mean about the head games. Always making things out to be our fault. I hate it. Guys know how to manipulate when we're the weakest they use every trick in the book to get us to believe that we are being irrational or creating a mountain out of a mole hill. But we give them that authority to manipulate.
I can't imagine how hard it's got to be for you. As young as you are, and already invested 10 years of your life to this man.
This is got to be a difficult time for you too. I am sorry, I know exactly what it feels like and it sucks.!!!!!!! I have this childish fantasy that I will wake up some morning and all will be mended, but the reality is that I've been dreaming that for five years straight and I am just as unhappy today as i was five years ago. I say if we can make it on our own then maybe that's the best way to go. ↑ |
| Name: tb | Date: Dec 14th, 2005 7:00 AM |
| I told my husband as of febuary 1st I was moving out. The only reason I don't do it sooner is because Christmas. Then my sons Birthday is in January. We had a huge fight again yesterday when I was at work on the phone and my son heard alot of it which is not right so he had a bad day at school. It's just not healthy. My husband says I'm gonna hurt my son but I think it will hurt him more to hear us fighting. Atleast when I move he won't have to listen to it. It will be hard for awhile but I think he will adjust. My husband keeps trying to get me to give him another chance and I keep telling him I've given him enough chances. I told him I'm finally strong enough, it took along time for me to be able to do this. The worst part is we both work at the same place. I would like him after we seperate to go on first shift in a way for our sons sake so he can see him more otherwise he will only see him every other weekend. I'll never take our son away from him or close him out of his life I'm not that way. This will probably be the worst 2 months of my life because he's going to keep presuring me. I also told him I'm done fighting. Your daughter is still young enough where she will adjust. You have to make sure she knows you love her though and it's not her fault. I can give you my cell # if you would like to talk. I would give you my email but my husband checks that and I don't want him reading it. Hang in there it will all work out!!! ↑ |
| Name: Mrmom_Kenny | Date: Dec 15th, 2005 11:38 AM |
| If I may add my 2cents ladies, your men are wrong for playing mind games. A real man sits and has adult conversations with the women they that claim to love. As for as causing a scene in front of the children IS A BIG NO NO!!!!!!., and especially at work he's really crossing the line. problems should be handled at home without shouting & the kids. anger never answers the problem it only makes it worst. remember the kids come first not ourselves. the fact that you ladies have tried to talk with your men(or your male child) tells me that they need to grow up and start listening before they loose everything. WHEN THE CHILDREN TURN THEIR BACKS ON HIM. being a parent is being open minded to what is best for the family not ourselves. Maybe being friends (if possible) is what is best for everyone. ↑ |
| Name: Julie | Date: Dec 15th, 2005 3:37 PM |
Hi TB,
I would love to talk to you but I am afraid of giving sensitive info over a forum like this. You would be wise to find another way of getting your cell # to me. Also did you see mrmom_Kenny's response. You know I am glad to have some vindication from a male's perspective. Because I think that we are good women who are not out to hurt our men or badger them or take from them in any way. We simply have been neglected for so long that it has finally come to a boilling point. I think that yes we are human too, and have made our fair share of mistakes and maybe we were asking for things in a way that either left room for misunderstanding or we just didn't stand our ground. Either way that doesn't change the fact that sometimes people just grow apart. We are not bad people for trying to find happiness;} ↑ |
| Name: Julie | Date: Dec 15th, 2005 3:46 PM |
Hey TB,
I went ahead and created a dummy email account on yahoo so you could safely send your info to me. It's opticred13@yahoo.com. We can chat. It'll be nice to help each other through this tough time. You can be my back bone and vice a verca if we think the other's thinking about backing out. ↑ |
| Name: Anonymous | Date: Dec 16th, 2005 1:49 PM |
| C'mon, when u really stop loving ur partner u and decide to leave u just leave, the rest is all excuses. You say u wanna leave but......, actually u unconciously or even conciously hope that everything will change. I got the same story, i hate my hausband and filed for divorce several times, and honestly i never seriously thought of being away from him, i always hope that things will change, and everything is gonna be ok. Its like when u really want something u just do it, u dont look for excuses. In other words YOU r not ready to be away from him for real yet. its about u not the rest. By the way this is the first time i ever tell to anyone, ↑ |
| Name: Julie | Date: Dec 17th, 2005 5:50 AM |
Hi anonymous,
I hate to hear that you have had so much trouble with your marriage but I am glad that you felt comfortable enough to talk with us about it. You're right to some extent. I did tell TB that yes I still hope sometimes that I could just wake up and have everything be okay. No one just wakes up one morning and and decides they want to brake up a home, a marriage and especially the security of a family for a child. But I disagree with you about just leaving. I am not going to risk her security to be out of my marriage and be broke and homeless. I can't do that to her. If it were just me, I'd be doing the couch hop and all of my things would be in my car. But she deserves better than that. So I will continue to wait until finances are right and she has a nice place to move into. ↑ |
| Name: tb | Date: Dec 19th, 2005 7:08 AM |
| Hi anonymous, Everyone always hope things will get better. It's hard when there are kids involved. Yes I may not be happy but I'm not the only one in this relationship, I also have a kid to worry about. I'm glad you are a strong person but not everyone is. The hardest part of it all is I never wanted to hurt anyone(my son). He's what means the world to me, if it wasn't for him I would have left a longtime ago. No I'm not blaming my son for anything. It's not just that easy to pick up your stuff and move out, I wish it was. And when I make this decision I'm never going back because I won't hurt my child again. I'm not gonna lie to you it is a scary thing to be alone when that's all you know is to be with that person. ↑ |
| Name: Kristen | Date: Dec 20th, 2005 5:03 PM |
Julie, I say leave now! You only have one child and you need to think of her. I know you can find people in your community to help! I also sure that anyone on this board would help you if we live close to you! I know I will!
Let us know what we can do for you!
Kristen ↑ |
| Name: Ann | Date: Dec 22nd, 2005 2:25 PM |
| I was in your shoes only I had 3 kids and my husband was a fake christian. We have been divorced for 4 years now and I am remarried. I love my new husband, however, if I had to do it all over again I would have prayed harder,believed harder, and loved harder. Don't give up too soon. Being a single mom is hard no matter how involed the father is or how much support money you get. Talk to someone older who has been there and done that. Staying married is much easier in the long run (if both people are willing to give ot one more try and believe that God can work it out) than going it alone. ↑ |
| Name: anonimous | Date: Dec 26th, 2005 4:03 AM |
| well if staying for the sake of the kids would do them any good, i could consider that option, but staying is not always good for the kids, staying with an alcoholic and never home dad wouldnt benefit the kids in any way, and broken parents' relationship would have bad impact on the kids anyway, kids will feel if parent/s is not happy and it wouldnt make them happy, so if to choose bad or worse its better be bad than worse. ↑ |
| Name: AnotherAnonymous | Date: Dec 27th, 2005 1:38 AM |
| I can understand you all completely. I was married to a monster and hated my life. We had a beautiful little girl that he referred to as my "extra baggage" I was scared to leave, he was a real mean guy. So I started trying to make him hate me, it eventually worked and he told me to leave. He wanted me back a week alter but I was where I wanted to be and never looked back. I was single for 3 yrs raising my daughter on a very small budget. Then met another guy, my dream guy, well 4 yrs into that relationship, I am right back whre I was before, he is not mean to my daughter but does slighty play favortism to his children, or thats how i see it. Hes lazy as ever and th eonly time he speaks to me is to say "get me this" or "do that" if im sitting down I have to rub his feet. I am resposible for his 3 kids and my 1and i work full time and do ALL the housework. I hate life more now, and daydream about the day me and my daughter are alone and happy. maybe broke but happy. My problem is #1 im scared of him more than I was the last guy and #2 we are finacially dependant on each other, if i leave his kids will lose alot. I know, not my problem but it bothers me terribly. He treats me so mean cus he knows im not going anywhere. I am beginning to hate him. good luck to you all. If you feel anything like i do, good luck! ↑ |
| Name: Mrs.Tired | Date: Dec 28th, 2005 12:34 AM |
| I feel like i'm in the same situation as all of you. I've been married for 10 yrs and every year it gets worse. I'm a full-time student trying to get my teaching degree so i don't work. we have 2 kids together and if i leave i have no way of taking care of them by myself. The only solution would be to drop out of school and start working again. I have one more year to complete in school and it would be a waste to drop out now. But i'm so miserable i don't know what else to do. My husband and i have different goals, dreams and aspirations. we are not compatiable at all. Every day that goes by i feel like something is missing in my life and that a part of me is dying inside. Please if anyone have suggestions or advice for me i would greatly appreciate it. ↑ |
| Name: tb | Date: Dec 28th, 2005 2:44 PM |
| Mrs.Tired, I say hang in there if you only have 1 year left of school you might as well finish it otherwise you will probably regret it. You will be more stable after that. How old are your kids? Does your husband want a divorce? Just hang in there and don't jump to fast you might regret it. ↑ |
| Name: le | Date: Dec 28th, 2005 4:17 PM |
| hey ladies, i read your stories and i agree from experience that you should NEVER stay together for the kids. Never. it just doesn't work and all the unhappiness we spread around without even knowing it, all the fighting, it's just so unhealthy. we are giving our kids the wrong message. i was like ya'll in the fact that i stayed in two relationships for the sake of my child. first with her father and then with her step dad. i wasn't worth it. her father and i tried to make it for her but we were just so different and he just gave up on God after i got pregnant. he asked me to abort and i refused. so that relationship dragged on for another two yrs until i had just had enough. i was miserable and it was effecting my child. so it wasn' t an overnight decision or anything, but i knew i had to end it. eventually, the both of us married other people. unfortunately, i married a sociopath and he married the biggest witch walking. but what can you do? so, here i am , in the midst of another divorce. i thought i had found mr.right, the man of my dreams, a true knight in shining armour, WRONG! he ended up being mr.jekyl and mr.hyde. and you know i was scared both times, but i did it. my child is special needs and i still do it , everyday, just me and her. it can be done, you just have to believe in yourself. i learned that i am better on my own . i like being single and having my freedom. don't get me wrong, sometimes it can get a little lonely , especially in a "couples" setting, but you learn to adjust and hold your head up high. i have a lot of friends that are single moms and that also helps a lot with self -esteem, we talk and build each other up. in fact , now we even joke about bragging that we choose to be single. having a man in your life does not make you special. we already have that on our own. having someone should enrich your life. Bottom line, if love brings you pain, let it go, it's simply not worth it. life it too short.. love yourself first, then the rest will come , you know ? besides kids are smart, they can tell when we are really happy and when things aren't right. i remember as a child seeing what my mother went through and i knew the difference. my child is the same way. good luck to everyone! ↑ |
| Name: bianca | Date: Jan 4th, 2006 9:58 PM |
| communication and marriage counseling ↑ |
| Name: Tom | Date: Jan 5th, 2006 10:32 PM |
| Julie, I would recommend some sort of marriage counseling. I say divorce should be only a last resort. Give it a try. At least then you can say you did try. ↑ |
| Name: wo | Date: Jan 13th, 2006 7:32 PM |
| If theres a will, there's a way. I was in a similar situation a few years back. It was SO hard to leave. But I needed to be happy. I didn't leave on a whim. I did try and try to save our marriage. I fortuanately though had family to help me through it. How about some close friends, church members? ↑ |
| Name: seperated mom | Date: Jan 14th, 2006 12:37 AM |
| Material things are just like dust under your feet after a fire.......think about the things that matter after a major disaster. People only want to make sure their loved ones are OK. All material belongings are just a bunch of junk. Nothing in life is trivial. Hold on to what is precious to you, and hold it close. Let go of anything or anyone who stands in the way of making EVERY DAY count. He worked hard for all of these material things, but has he worked hard to obtain the things that matter?.......the love and affections of his wife and daughter? He may consider himself rich by monitary means, but he is obviously a poor man. Many people hide behind the church, and go through all the motions, but in the end it's what's really in your heart. There are ways to divorce and divide things fairly. You don't have to take him for all he's got.......or even half. Sounds like you don't negotiate very well together, so telling a lawyer how you want it done and having him/her divide property according to your wishes is what you need to do. His lawyer can then go over it with him, and if he has any problems with it, he can counter it. You can make it on your own with child support, just like millions of other women do. Do you really want the rest of your life to be the way it is now? No one can make this change but you. Marriage takes two people who both want the relationship to last. One person can't save it. The two of you have to become of one mind in order to work through this. Otherwise, you need to move on. Move on and find out who you are and what you want out of life. Then, maybe you'll be able to share that life with someone who deserves to be your life partner. Hope you don't play house any longer..........it's not worth it. Search for the real thing, and show your daughter what a strong, independant woman is. Do what you would want her to do for herself in the future if she were in your shoes. God bless. ↑ |
| Name: Julie | Date: Jan 16th, 2006 8:10 PM |
To Seperated Mom,
I have to say you are one of the wisest responses I have come across. I appreciate your wisdom and concern. I feel blessed that so many of you have felt a need to write to me and it has been inspiriational and a source of strength for me. I am actually in the process of leaving now. I have had some major revelations over the last couple of months and have been pooling my strength and resources. I have rationalized from all angles what would be the best course of action. I have tried to seperate all the emotions attached to this situtation, and make a logical, responsible decision. We have never been able to sustain any measure of happiness. I have read every self help, marriage fixing, rectify your life book, video and or info-mercial and thinking that if I were to change, submit, and adapt that I would be able to create the marriage I had always wanted and deserved. But it takes two willing partners to create a successful marriage and I can't do it alone anymore. I need to find a healthy completion to the seperation with my husband now, an emotional conclusion so that I have no regrets, no opportunities to say what if I were to have tried this, or maybe I should have done that. God will provide for me in my time of need and I am pulling closer to God more now than ever. I feel blessed to be in this state because obviously he feels like I am strong enough to encounter this mountain and move it by faith. What ever the outcome may be, I am thankful for everyone of your support and kindness. Good luck to all of you, wish me luck :} ↑ |
| Name: jamie | Date: Jan 20th, 2006 11:36 PM |
| i'm kind of in the same situation. I think staying is going to make things worse. It's kind of like so your use to it that your afraid of change. The grass is greener on the other side, we just have to take that step. I have a 2 year old and i think that be me staying has hurt my child. It's sad to say, but in situation like this you have to be selfish of your own feelings. Is there any abuse of any kind? Email me if you'd like to talk ↑ |
| Name: Gina | Date: Feb 11th, 2006 5:59 PM |
| Hi have been with my husband three years this coming up march we recently had a big discusion were i found out he was thinking about getting a divorce. he tells me he loves me but he doesnt know if he is in love with me. i could really use some advice from someone to talk to because i dont have any friends an i really dont want to get my family involved with such a personal issue because i fear of them taking sides an an not giving a true opinion. ↑ |
| Name: Agnes | Date: Feb 11th, 2006 9:37 PM |
| I'm sitting here thinking about these posts. It seems that everyone feels the same. Why are marriages falling apart like this? I think it's just the break-down of the traditional family life. We are all going in different directions, instead of growing closer together. It makes me sad. ↑ |
| Name: kayla | Date: Mar 13th, 2006 8:01 PM |
| i love to talk and make friends and i dont have any of my friends screen names and i reall want to talk ↑ |
| Name: Tam | Date: Jul 1st, 2006 12:49 AM |
| hi i 23 and i need some advise! My boyfriend of 3 years has just broken up with me and i feel empty inside what can i do to help with the pain! I still love him but he is self centred and is to work orientated and puts his work before me! he even said that work comes before me! is this just an excuse or is it me? ↑ |
| Name: Val | Date: Jul 1st, 2006 4:30 PM |
| My problem is also my finaces If i made more money i would take my kids and leave in a heartbeat!! ↑ |
| Name: pj754 to Tam | Date: Jul 13th, 2006 8:34 AM |
| Tam, you have to let him go. I was 21 when I first got married. Yet, all the red flags were waving in front of my face and I still went through with it. Although, I did try to back out a month before the wedding but I allowed him to talk me into it. I should have stood up and still said no. That was my fault and I regret it to this day. If your boyfriend is thinking of himself only, then he isn't the right person for you. I would rather be alone for the right reason than with someone for the wrong. After 12 years of marriage and three children, we ended up divorcing. As I look back, I wished I would have realized that I wasn't going to change him no matter how hard I tried. No, it's not you because if he's making excuses to you, than you both are not compatible. Even though, your heart hurts, move on and keep going. Eventually, you will find someone, who loves you with his whole heart. Find someone that loves you more than himself. When you do, you will have a good thing going. Overtime, your pain will pass. ↑ |
| Name: ELAINE | Date: Jul 13th, 2006 11:27 AM |
| hello every one i've been with my husband since i've been 16 and i'm 29 and i have an 11yr old and im pregnent and he is very disrespecful to me he calls me names and says im nothing he's hit me three times since we've been together he tells me im shit with out him because i make $11.00 and he makes $30.00 everytime we fight the next day he acts like nothing when he comes home from work he doesn't even give me a kiss no hello nothng it's becasue he thinks im the bad person and he isn't going to ask for forgiveness it's his pride right now we aren't talking for problems with his family and thats my fault to. ↑ |
|
|
