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okay so I guess I should explain a littlle before saying the problem at hand.. i am 20 yrs old, when i was 7 my mom started dating this guy, who was a meathead muscle bound alcoholic fucking prick. he beat the shit out of me and my mom until i was 15 yrs old, I ended up in psych wards b.c i tried killing myself, I got into drugs b.c i hated myself. being told every day of your life that you're worthless and a piece of shit, and youll never amount to anything that eventually just wears u down. and now my brother and sister are older, 12 and 13 and although my stepdad doesnt drink or hit anymore, he still knows how to push you around. make you wish you were dead. I look at my brother and sister crying and i see myself when i was younger, just wanting to die, hurting so bad b.c this person can hurt you so bad without laying a hand on you and you cant do anything. im sitting here balling my fucking eyes out b/c he just flipped out hardcore on my brother about not using a fork when eating, and its not like he tells you calmly first, he just goes right at you and attacks you, with no reguards. my mom has a cyst on her brain, and my stepdad calls her a fucking psycho b.c she has to take so many medications, and that he isnt the psycho b.c he only needs an inhaler.. so what im saying i dont know.. i just know that im terrified to leave my family, im afraid im gonna call from overseas one day and that my mother has gone off the deep end, or that my brother or my sister have tried to hurt them selves or have suvveeded, and i dont know what to do, i cant stop crying, its like no matter how many pills you take how much therapy you get, one little word out of his mouth can make you just want to fucking die. :( ↓
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| Name: connie | Date: Oct 17th, 2006 8:09 PM |
Well Coartney I have shoulder you can cry one, 2 ears you can talk to and always a open heart and mind too.
It sucks being the big sister and feeling crappy like you do, as much as you dont want to hear this you do need to take care of yourself first, is there any other family memebers that can help out? ↑ |
| Name: Coartney | Date: Oct 17th, 2006 8:11 PM |
| nah, our family is from up in massachusetts. this shit always happened when we were there, i always had bruises same with my mom, but no one ever did anything except my grandma but she died when i was 11. my family doesnt talk anymore, and basically u just dont really care about one another anymore. my friend had called the cops once after seeing my stepdad beat the shit out of me, and the cop told me you get what you deserve, i guess my stepdad said i had started it, well i came home the next day after staying out and all my shit was in the garbage and the sign on the door said you fucking lying bitch. it was all over me smoking a cigarette in the house. ↑ |
| Name: Kristy84 | Date: Oct 17th, 2006 8:16 PM |
I know how you feel...i had a step-dad that would make me feel so worthless and call me all sorts of names. He would belittle my mom, much like my father. He and my mother are now divorced. My dad would call me a fat bitch when I was younger and he would come home drunk in the middle of the night and proceed to tell me and my mom about his sexual escapdes w/ other women...I was 9. There's alot of other shit from both my dad and step-dad but I was able to get away from it all.
I know that you want to save your whole family, but as much as you love your mom and siblings, you have to realize that you're starting your own family now and concentrate on that. Of course, you're going to be scared shitless about moving to Turkey, but that's where the man you love is and y'all want to raise this kid together. Why is your mom still w/ this asshole? I'm not judgiung; my mom stayed w/ my dad for 13 miserable years. The thing your going to have to learn is you can't save everyone and you can only worry about you and yours. I'm sooo sorry that you have to go through all of this now!!! ↑ |
| Name: emilymccoy | Date: Oct 17th, 2006 8:16 PM |
| Sounds like the guy's a monster. My mother was the same way, but not in the same ways. She's a monster in a less obvious way, and pulls it off so that she looks like the victim. Put it this way, out of four children she currently has NONE of them. The youngest is my sister at sixteen, and she is currently in some kinda jail halfway house thing, but has been in and out of jail and mental hospitals for the last three to four years. She's tried to kill herself numerous times. My mother tries to portray herself as a loving mother, constantly trying to keep her family together. But the truth is she's fucked in the head big time, and fortunately my brothers and I are able to deal with her from a distance (and not deal with her at all if we choose to), but my poor sister got left behind, and now unfortunately has nothing close to a normal life. Suicide, drugs, running away, and cowaring down to my mother's subtle but constant mental abuse- this is her life. I worry about her safety everyday, and have cried for her so much. Unfortunately, though I've tried and tried to find a way to help her, there is not much I can do. I don't know what advice to give you, because I haven't found it myself. But I wish the best for you and your siblings. Hopefully all of you learn to live by the saying, "What doesn't kill me makes me stronger." I don't believe in throwing around cheesy catch phrases and lame positive thinking blurbs, but this saying is genuinely true for me, and for my brothers...I hope it becomes true for my sister in the end as well. ↑ |
| Name: Coartney | Date: Oct 17th, 2006 8:25 PM |
| the funny thing about my stepdad, is hes sober, he got baptised and goes to church like 3 days a week, and b.c of that he thinks everything he has done and does is forgiven as long as he goes. sometimes i wanna record him at home and how he treats ppl and send it to the church, they all think he is just an amazing guy b.c he makes the donations and everything but they dont know HIM, they know his little alter ego he pretends to be to strangers. even my fiance thinks my stepdad is amazingly nice, even when he is in the background screaming while im on the phone. and i know im starting my own family, but i dont think this baby is going to ever be as important to me as my mom is. the thought of my mom even being sick has me in her bed next to her crying about how i dont want to lose her. my grandmother died of cancer at 49 when i was 11, she had cancer, and refused to go to the hospital, she just died in front of us all and im terrified that one day thats gonna be my mother, and its gonna be one day soon, and i dont know, i want to stab my stepdad, i want to hurt him, i want him to cry and hate life and want to die like he makes us feel b.c it isnt fair. i know we all get hurt in life, but what did we all do to deserve a man like this hurting us? and my mom always leaves and comes back to him, hasnt left him since i was 15 though. she always went back.. said she could see the good in him and she loved him. i think there is only such much goodness can do, and blind a person from. i probably will sound crazy right now, but i really want to kill him, like ive thought about it. i want him to hurt. and i wanna watch him hurt like he did with me, and i want him to suffer, to where he just wants to hurt himself more to end it all quicker ↑ |
| Name: Kristy84 | Date: Oct 17th, 2006 8:31 PM |
| I know that you have alot of rage inside of you coartney from all the shit that has happened, but you can't change shit. My fiance lost his mom in jan. to some truck driver who pulled out in traffic and didn't see her coming. Her neck broke and she died instantly. His mom was 42 when she had him and he was her miracle baby. Now his dad is left all alone at 65 and sufferign from Alzheimers, but you know what my fiance just goes on. He's not bitter or angry and honestly I don't know how the fuck he does it, knowing damn well that in 10 years he's not goin g to have any familky left (he's also the only child). The only thing you can do is enjoy every single minute you have w/ her b/c when she's gone all that anger you have harbored inside is going to stay and turn to bitterness and then you're going to end up as angry and pitiful as your step-dad. It doesn't mater if you're step-dad was the greatest guy in the world, b/c the fact is your mom might die and that's so fucking scary and sad...and as much as you can't imagine loving your baby as much as your mom you'd be surprised. Your mom would die for you in a heartbeat, and I have a feeling you'll be the same way. Your mom obviously did something right and if you get anything out of this pain, just tryu to raise your child w/ as much love as she gave you. ↑ |
| Name: emilymccoy | Date: Oct 17th, 2006 8:33 PM |
| All I can say is I totally understand where you're coming from when you say that you want to kill him. I don't think your crazy or fucked up or even wrong for feeling the way that you do. You seem to be going through some enormous things in your life right now. Just make sure you get it out in any way you can, whether it be through talking to friends or posting your thoughts on here. We're all listening. ↑ |
| Name: Coartney | Date: Oct 17th, 2006 8:48 PM |
| thank you. kristy somehow everything you say always has me in tears or crying harder haha . ↑ |
| Name: Kristy84 | Date: Oct 17th, 2006 8:54 PM |
| awww I'm sorry coartney...I don't want to make you feel any worse, and I don't want to pretend to know how your feeling, but I do want you to be happy and enjoy the new life or lives:) inside of you. I was so angry and bitter for 10 years of my life and just recently have I begun to feel like me again. I never had a childhood b/c I was always worried about shit, but now I don't know I have this whoile new renewed innocence.,..it's probably the Prozac but hey at least now I can smile. ↑ |
| Name: Coartney | Date: Oct 17th, 2006 8:58 PM |
| ur on prozac? why wont my doctors let stay on anything? LOL damnit can i borrow ur doctor? ↑ |
| Name: Kristy84 | Date: Oct 17th, 2006 9:03 PM |
| :) It's probably b/c you just started your 2nd trimester...Depression and anxiety can be very harmful for the baby ie. high blood pressure so the dr. has to weigh the benefits to the risks. Since many drugs like Prozac and Zoloft haven't proven harmful during th elatter part of your 2nd and 3rd trimesters, dr.'s usually prescribe them,. You're also at a much higher risk for post-partum depression, so when you finally get insurance you need to see about getting on some drugs. ↑ |
| Name: AnnD | Date: Oct 17th, 2006 9:15 PM |
| Your stepfather is a total and complete asshole and there is not a damn thing you can do about it girl. You have no control over his behavior. Take pride in the fact that you are a role model for your younger brother and sister. Meaning, they know that you went through the same thing and you managed to get through it and make it. And when you can restrain from physically hurting him in retaliation, you show them that there are other ways of solving problems and of simply "being" than what they are exposed to on a regular basis. We all know that kids can be put through trauma after trauma, year after year. It happens all of the time! One research study sought to find out why some of these kids are more resilient, go on with their lives, having healthy coping skills and are able to stop the viciosus cycles of addiction and violence they were so exposed to when they were little and why some kids follow the same paths and have more difficulties coping. The study found that the kids that "made it" had a single factor in common; they all cited one person in their life who supported them, one person who they could look up to and one person who encouraged them and praised them. Just one. That's all that it took. You can be that one person for your siblings and you can do that from Turkey through phone calls and email and such. And remember when you witness your siblings getting the same abuse that you got, your little girl side becomes very scared. Violent people can do that to their victims, they bring them right back to the age they were when the trauma happened. So, when your little brother got yelled at for not using a fork (bless his heart), you automatically became who you were when you were 11 years old and being abused. Just tell yourself: "I'm not a little girl. I'm strong, I'm a mommy now and he does not have control over me and he cannot hurt me now." ↑ |
| Name: EthansMom0213 | Date: Oct 17th, 2006 11:54 PM |
Coartney-
He's a saying for your stepdad....You say you're a Christian because you go to church. Does that make me a car if I stand in the garage." To many people truely feel that going to church will make everything that they have done two days ago seem like it never happened. He doesn't need to ask God for his forgiviness he needs to ask you, your mother, your bother and your sister. He needs to promise to try and be a better person. Stop that verbal abuse which is just as bad as physical abuse. Sounds like my dad though. It's your fault he is the way he is not his own. My dad also pretends to be someone that he isn't. The good news is that my sister and I are only in his life when we fit in. When he needs to show us off to his friends. Every other time we are garbage. I sometime think verbal abuse actually hurts more then physical abuse. And yeah it doesn't take much to make you feel as if you are worthless when all of your life you have been made to feel as if you do not matter.
Connie is right...you need to come first. He can only continue to hurt you if you allow him to. You have to believe that you are better then what he has told you over the years. You are someone body. I understand that it hurts you knowing that this ass is doing the same thing to your mom, your brother and your sister. The best you can do is just be there for them in there time of need. Be the one to tell them that they are somebody and just be strong for them. ↑ |
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