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Being Bulimic isn't fun, tasting bile as I wretch promising it will be the last time i make myself sick.
Months ago compared to taday I can see that my tendancies are changing. I'm sorry but I am going to just write about a normal day its sick the detail that I am going to go into, I just need to get it off my chest. 6.00am Breakfast I eat 2 small apples & have 2 appetite suppressing tablets. 12.30pm Lunch I eat a salad sandwich no butter & on weightwatchers bread (50cals per slice) 6.00pm Dinner as I prepare my salad sandwich for the following day i consume a large amount of cucember ( to line my stomach )so when I make myself sick later I Know when I have emptied my body of junk food because cucumber comes up! After I have made my sandwich I cook chips, have a microwave lasagne, crisps, anything that I can get my hands on. When I am full to the brim I go to my bedroom where I have hidden food I purchased earlier from my local supermarket- consisting of aerosol cream ( squirty cream! ) to go with chocolate cake and doughnuts. I start to eat the chocolate cake with lashings of cream, I eat and eat and eat barely even tasting the food but making sure I drink enough diet coke inbetween so I have peace of mind that when I am sick it is 'sloppy' enough to come out with ease. I then line my carpet with newspaper and open a carrier bag which I vomit into I can't seem to mak myself sick using my fingers anymmore so I have to stick something else down my throat- I buy these hair curler foam things which a bendy and they cost about £5 for 12 which las me a couple of weeks. The food comes out of my body through my mouth so easily because like I say I drank enough diet coke and chewed food very well so it just comes out sloppy. After most of the food has came out I stuff more choclate, more cake, more crisps till I am full and then I make myself sick again until this time I see the cucumber come up which means I can stop making myself sick. I have tissue to wipe my hands and the hair curler as I can use that for the next days session. I tie the carrier bag and put it in another and tie that, then I place it in a black bin liner and keep it in my wardrobe until I can get rid of it. After all that it's about 9.00pm and i'm tired cus of just making myself sick, so I go in the shower and straight to bed waking up at 5.30am ready for the day that lies ahead, i get ready have my 2 apples for breakfast and as I leave the house for work I take that black bin bag and dispose of it in our dusbin outside. I drive to work like nothings happend and start thinking about what i'm going to binge on tonight............ At the moment I am at work I can't wait to finish at 5.00pm although I am going to so as soon as I am finished at about 6.30pm I will stop off at the supermarket on the way home- stocking up on junk food and go hone to a night of binging and purging all over again. I hate that I even know whats foods are best to eat as they come out easier when I make myself sick, like chips with mayo, crisps and cheescake. Well thnk you, I just needed to actually write that down and like I say get it off my chest because I have no one in person I can speak to and on here I have told people bout my problem but never all of it not all of it exposed- so there it is thats me that is what I do as disgusting as it that is my life. Thank you Lucie ? |
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You done really well to post it on the site. I dont think i will be able to do it. I would like to but im to ashamed and horrified by what i do. Im bulimic to and have been for 6 years. I like eating all the junk food and then watching it come back up it the best feeling. Knowing that all the bad has gone away.
The only person that knows about me is my bf and he hates it i don't tell him everything and even lie when he asks if i have or not. I just dont want to hurt him. And what he doesn't know won't. I dont eat anything all day and then i stuff and stuff myself when im home and then im sick for about an hour coz i want it all to be gone. I want to say well done again. Ally :o) = |
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Thank Ally that means a lot x
Why don't you post your story on here it will make you feel alot better???? No one even knows who you are-that's the best thing cus you can pour your heart out and get help and advice and its up to you how much personal info you give out. Is your bulimia a result of a weight issue or control do you reckon? x = |
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Thank you.
I did write a bit about myself called need to talk but someone said if im pregent i should get help but im not so don't know what they were talking about. I think its a bit of both. I always feel fat and ugly and i can control it so that makes me feel better. I had alot of issues when i was younger and this has been the only one i can control and do it because i want to. My bf always says im beautiful and stuff but i just smile i cant even say thank you because i dont belive him. I dont no what to do next. x x = |
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I think i read your post and i was a bit baffled when that woman said summat bout being pregnant! lol
I knpw that there is more tendancies than just one with bulimia cus when I was 14 I would just throw up every meal I ate but now I am binging on food to then be sick?!?!?! its weird Why do you feel so bad about yourself for? its tge inside that counts remember! what are u up to at the moment- i am at work on my lunch just munching through that salad sandwich. x = |
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Thats what people dont relise their is more to it than just being sick its in your head. And you eat loads and loads so you feel really sick and then be sick.
I dont understand when people say just stop because i cant just switch it off but everyone thinks you can. Im at work going on lunch in a minute but wont eat anything. I don't know why i feel so bad about myself. When i was 8 my mum and dad split up but that didn't bother me. But when i was 12 i moved im with my dad he used to do some horrible things to me that i haven't got over yet. I like the control i have over myself when i do it. I feel like no one else can touch me. Where do you live and how old are you? x x = |
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i am really sorry to hear that you have had troubles in the past with your family-if you ever want to talk bout them im hear to listen, if not them i wont mention it again.
I see wot you mean, it's not something you can just switch off because I also view it kinda like an addiction- dunno if you can see what I mean but it's like an addiction everynight-thats how mines feeling at the mo. And on the weekends I am just constantly binging and throwing up. I'm sure my ED is about control rather than weight cus i'm not that unhappy i'm 5'11 and am size 10/12 but then again everyone has wobbly bits don't they. Im 19 by the way and live in staffordshire England, i'm guessing your not from america]?!?! x = |
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Thank you for being there. My Dad was really horrible to me when i was younger. He used to beat me and then he raped me when i was 16 the only person who knows about that is my BF i have never told anyone as i think people will judge me.
It is an addiction i would agree its like a relif from everything. Im only 5f4 and size 6 but i feel fat i wear baggy clothes to hide it and noone at my work have a clue what i do. I hope you don't judge me by what i told you. I cant belive i told someone. Im 19 to and live in reading in England. x = |
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well it means alot that you've told me. sorry for everything you went through- im not gonna say what everyone says like "i know how you feel" because i do not know how you feel. But damn that sure is a terrible thing.
Size 6 is diddy chick have you always been that size? People can tell you all day long you have a great figure but it won't change how you feel bout youself will it...... I promise you i won't and have not judged you. xx = |
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Thank you for not judging me.
It was horrible but hopefully i will get over it. Yer but i dont see it as little i have been smaller than what i am i had to wear a 10 year olds tops before coz i couldn't find a size to fit me. People can tell me all day that im tiny and this and that but it wont make any difference. I feel like they are lying and just saying it to please me. Sorry if i sound like im going on a bit but i've never spoken to anyone in so much detail before and im getting it all of my chest now i feel really guilty. Sorry. xx = |
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don't worry bout it get it off your chest, ive bin babbling bout myself all day so you go ahead. What job have you got are you enjoying it.?
My control issue is because my life is all crazy at the mo, my aunty is ill, my sister in-law is ill, and my brother in-law is ill- they are all in hospital, my job is stressing me out, ive just been promoted but i have also been accepted to Uni so don't know what to do. And cus im working so much ive hardly been able to go out with my friends and im missing that so whateva time i have on my hands is taken over by my ED. Have you had breakfast today? x = |
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I work in Admin got a promotion to about 2 months ago really stressful but i like it.
Ahh you poor thing that must really suck. How long have they been in there for long and will they be ok? Its going to be a really hard decission but you will make up your mind. What do you think will give you the best future? What course did you get accepted for? I never go out anymore i never have any money left because to be honest with you i think i spend it all on junk food and then it ends up down the toilet. No i never eat breakfast cant bring myself to coz if i do i feel really sick and then throw up. Why do you ask that? What job do you do? xx = |
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i work with stocks and shares, just been promoted to Assisstant Registrar of the Company . YIPEE!
my UNI course is a nursing diploma totally different i know but my dream is to do child pyschology. The family that are in hospital ranges from bone marrow treatment to clots on lungs which as you can gather is quite serious. I bet we spend a fortune on food don't we and we are literally throwing our money away. I only asked if you ate breakfast cus i know you mentioned you didn't think you were gonna have lunch and i was just a bit concerned if you hadn't eaten all day. I get in seriously bad moods when i eat nothing- i snap at everyone but when im in the middle of binging im the happiest gal on the earth- i wish my emotions weren't all tied in like this but they are. im dredding this weekend cus i have plans to go out saturday but i honestly haven't been out for months, i don't know if i've got the confidence in me still. So wot you up to when you finish work? xx = |
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My dream was to be a midwife but i got scared of meeting new people so chickened out plus i didn't get brill grades at school and i didn't want to retake things.
Ahh bless them i hope they will be ok. My throughts are with you and if you need to talk about them thats fine. I bet its a fortune on food i bet we could buy a house with all the money. lol. I don't really eat in the day and if i do it comes back up coz i hate the throught of food being inside me. I only eat chewing gum coz it starves my hunger. I know what you mean i hate my emotions being all messed up i wish my life was easy but oh well thats just how i am. I think you should just go for it you may love it or hate it but you dont know until you try. Just try to enjoy yourself. Im not doing anything after work prob just being ill like always. You up to anything? xx = |
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Well i am meant to be going to the gym straight from work thats all, then i will probably start the cycle of binging of as soon as i get home.
Hasn't you family or anyone ever questioned your eating habits. My mom does she either says put weight on or her other favourite is " i don't know how you can eat all that and not put weight on" I know she knows bout my ED cus she found out years ago. and i am 100% sure she knows its back, she has mentiong a couple times asking if ive been sick. what do you usually binge on. and if you don't mind me asking how often do you see your bf, like do you only binge on the nights your not with him?? You should be proud you have a bf to stick by you honestly because my last bf knew i had problems with food (my mom told him i had been bulimic in the past which was embarassing and shamful trust me!) but i found i was looking for the control in our relationship, i just pushed him away that much that we had to break up, i have had relationships since then but they've never lasted longer than a couple of months :-( x = |
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When i first started i was living woith my Dad and he didn't give a toss. But when i moved back in with my Mum she knew and tried to help i said she did and that i've stopped but i haven't i don't know if she knows that im doing it again. Everyone at work say that like why "why don't you eat" or "have mine if you have no lunch" so to shut them up i do then im sick.
I binge on things like chocolate, crisps, chips, doghnuts anything that i can grab really. I've even had a kebab and indian together coz i wanted to eat it quick. I see my bf most days but i dont see him until about 8 and i get home at about 6 so thats when i do it. Ihave a load of food kept in my room under my bed and my mum always buys stuff for her and then she will ask where it has gone. I drink loads of water whilst im binging because it comes up easier. He has stuck by me alot but i don't tell him half the time coz i scared that it will push him away coz it has taken over my life. That must of been so embarassing when your Mum said that i would of died. Does your Mum understand it? That must of been hard. My ex didn't understand he would say if you dont stop we are splitting up. There will be someone who will understand you if i found someone you will trust me. Do any of your friends know? xx = |
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yeah i found the key is drinking loads of fluid cus it softens the food.
My mom doesn't understand and like will all fear our friends wouldn't understand cus they are not going through this. i honestly have no one face to face to confide in, ive tried but haven't got the confidence. I thought with my mom knowing again i would stop but i haven't because then thats my control taken away. ive lost friends through this by declining offers to go out ive lost endless amounts of guys and i have pushed the one person away from me who i thought i was falling for, i messed him around and he was the only person i truly cared for. He was my rock when he was around everything was fine. xx = |
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Ahh babe im really sorry. They is someone i know its hard i didn't think i would find anyone but i did and i really love him and if i didn't have him i think i would die.
You think it would put you of losing someone who you really care for but it doesn't it s so destrutive. I really feel for you babe. I cant begin to understand what you feel like. Im always here if you need a chat do you want my email? I've lost friends through it to because i won't go out or anything. I just dont feel right and i bet you feel the same. xx = |
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hi lucie, iv just joined this forum im 23 and was anorexic from 14 to 17 then bulimoc iv not really spoke much about it but your story here sounded exactly like a typical day for me x thanks for your honesty it was like a calling x for a while now iv been feeling like im crazy because i reckoned the things i do with food are insane and that nobody in the world can do what i do but obviously there are normal people like me who have a bad relationship with food, im a nurse and feel like im 2 people 1 normal me working good job own house good mates then second me crazy messed up head hooked on food n hanging my head down a loo, id like to tell more bout me to you get it off my chest xxx
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Hi Linnerz,
thanks for replying, it took a shit load of guts for me to write this but its true, this is my life day in day out it is a fact and writing it down brings me back to reality and lets me see my problem for what it is, please share your story- it does help getting it off your chest especially when there's people on here who are so caring and supportive.. Lucie xxx GOOD MORNING ALLY, Hey chick I tried to relpy on the weekend but I couldn't log on to this site for some reason. I've so much to tell you i have lost track! I hope you had a great weekend. On saturday i tried to reply to ya the follwing: Thanks for our chat friday ally- it meant the world!! You are such a great friendly- easy to talk to person. On friday i was at the supermarket getting my junk food when i came to start my car to drive home and OMG yes i had a flat bloody battery- i couldn't beleive it i think being a dumbass blond that i am i left my music and lights on while i was in the shop whooops!! N e ways i had to call my parents to come n start my car, only trouble was i had to hide the big overflowing bag of chocolate n cakes under my passenger seat- i was in such a panic trust me! But i got home in the end cooked my chips with mayo then started on the chocolate it was like 10pm when i finished eating and god was i nackered! I didn't go out saturday- i was trying on outfits allday thinkin "errrrrrrrrr" when i looked in the mirror but my friend let me down in the end she had to work!!! AND TODAY'S POST...... OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, MY PARENTS HAVE FOUND OUT!!! (AGAIN))) OMG!!!!!!! yes you read correctly- bout a week ago my parents went on their hols for a week and in that time i was completly letloose on food- binging and throwing up all through the night and i would put the sick in black bags and in to the big wheely bin thing out the front, well on friday just gone which is 'bin day' by us, my dad put the bins up the top of the drive to be collected. When i got home friday after the flat battery incident my dad asked me if i had put n e fin heavy in the bin cus he could hardly move it and i said no. On saturday when i threw up i put the black bag in the wheely bin and thought nothing of it and yesterday afternoon when i got back from the supermarket i started cooking my tea. We had visitors at the time but when they had gone my mom came in the kitchen- i was just nibbling on my cucumber and cooking a lasagne and my mom said " we need to talk" Oh no i thought shit shit shit. She said "lucie, i know it's happening again isn't it?" she went on saying loads of things like, " i thought i could smell sick coming from your bedroom" & lucie it's " a waste of money" and she was saying " i knew there was a reson you were drinking so much fluid, it must have been so the food came up easier" and " that was the reason the smell of perfume was coming from your bedroom cus you were trying to cover up the smell was it??!?!" i was so defnsive Ally i was just like " JUST DON'T TALK TO ME" " LEAVE ME ALONE" the only ok thing she said " i know it must be a terrible thing you're going through" then she trailed off and said" it's got to stop your dad has said it's got to stop, he doesn't care how but it's got to stop!" Then she had the nerve to ask me if i fancied a coffee i said no then she asked me if i wanted a piece of cake!??!?!?!?!? I was really fighting back the tears. N e way she left the kitchen and i carried on eating then went upstairs to my bedroom to eat the chocolate cake and the other stuff i had brought then i threw it all back up- i was shit scared doing it but it gave it more edge in a sick kind of way..... when i finished about 8pm i went in the shower and got ready so i could go for a drive- i just had to get out of the house and i was that pissed off with myself i bought some fags!! ---i had quit a couple of weeks ago aswell. As i was putting my shoes on to go out my mom was trying to worm her way in to my good books by saying, " oh are you off out, n e where nice?" blah blah blah. I am not trying to slag off my mom cus i love her to bits and i wasn't that horrible when she confronted me, i just basically told her not to talk to me. And i know she means well and is trying to help but you know what i mean don't you Ally, if someone would confront ya you would get all angry wouldn't you????? N e ways IM SORRY it's a very very long post and sorry for just writing all this but im just shit scared- if my mom searches my bedroom today she will finf all my " preperation equipment for a binge" in my bedroom like carrier bags and tissues e.t.c. Hope to hear from you soon, Love me xx = |
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Ahh Babe
I cant belive she found out i would totally freak. I cant belive that she said do you want a piece of cake thats a bit out of order. You Dad doesn't know how hard it is by what he said. How did they find out they would of had to look in the bags and thats really sick. I know that they care about you but they could be a bit more supportive. I can't belive what happened with your car thats the worst coz you think you have all this food you know what your going to do when you get home but the your bloody car dies. LOL. Well at least you tried to go out but prehaps it wasn't ment to be coz your friend cancelled anyway. I went to my uncles on saturday with all the family and bf and we had a loads of food. Everyone must of known what i was doing coz straight after i went to the loo. I came down and my bf asked and i had to tell him he gave me a big cuddle. But thats made me think if i do do it he will give me cuddles. I was going to put a post on but our hard drive has crashed at home so its pretty shit. Im glad that you find me easy to talk to coz i can talk to you real easy. You seem like a really nice girl. Quick question do you think that you want to stop? Love Ally xx = |
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Hey Ally,
I dunno how you get away with being sick then facing people cus i never could get away with it cus my eyes water n i go red in the face, it's so obvious. I can understand wot you mean bout your bf giving you a hug right after it's like it makes it ok??!!! Answer to your question, about a month ago yes i would have liked to of stopped i was thinking that i neede to get my life back and live it properly and was really trying, but now i look at it like this, *i can just about to afford it *it's mine i control it *i have time for it *it gives me pleasure and makes me happy that i can eat what i want for an hour or 2 then just spend say 30mins throwing it all or as much as i like of it back up. so i really don't know any more ally, how bout you??do you want to stop? xx = |
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Well i was in the toilet for 15 mins but everyone was drunk so didn't notice. I cant if im at home coz they will all know.
Thats how i feel to like its my body and i want to control it and doing this is the only way i know. I got a letter the other day from my doctor saying that he has refered me to and eating disorder person. I dont want to go though coz it the only way in my eyes that i can control myself. xx = |
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OMG really? How does your doctor know??
Cus i just wish sometimes i had the nerve to get myself to my doctor and tell him but i cant cus he is pretty much a family friend and i feel abit intimidated by him cus he is very friendly and he is very judgemental. xx = |
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When i moved to my Dads and my step mum found out she told my dc so whei moved to my Mums my new one knew and has told me i have to go. I really dont want to though i don't know if im ready for any help yet.
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aww chick that's a tough one!!!
does it say in the letter exactly where you will be going and what you will be doing?? Do you want to get better or are you thinking that there will be one great big VOID in your life without it? I reckon if you stuck at whatever help they give you then you will recover most likely but it takes alot of guts and hard work.... xx = |
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Its to see a eating disorder speclist and a nutrionist.
I think i will feel lost at first and i will be bloody scared. I think i will have to go on my own but i want my BF to come. I hid the letter from my mum though i thought she would go mad. xx = |
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it would be nice for your bf to go with you cus not only is it support but it will make you both stronger as a couple.
did any of your friends find out bout what you have been going through.? x = |
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I would like him to come but then he would relise how bad it is.
One girl from work was looking over my shoulder when i was emailing you and read what i put. I didn't know she had seen until today coz she asked me about it. It has pissed me off a bit coz i didn't want anyone to know. xx = |
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Holy shit, wots she said to you??
See i have my own office so i don't really worry bout n e one seeing but i accidently leave the screen up sometimes :-( = |
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Lucky bugger. LOL.
She said why do you do that and i just went really cold and clammed up then i said because i need and have to and she went a bit mental saying you dont need to and all that shit. I cant be arsed with the hastle from people but thats not going to stop me. I will just have to cover my tracks a bit more. How do you think you will stop? xx = |
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wot a nosy tramp!! has she shut up now??
well i do not think i am ready to stop so i can't imagine how or when i will but time flies by, i keep thinkin tommorrow i will stop, then the nxt day and before you know it it's been weeks and im still doing it! xx = |
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She keeps bringing it up and im just being cold but she wont get the message.
Thats what its like with me it dosn't feel like i have been doing it for 6 years time just flys. My dc has booked me an appoitment for this wednesday im shitting myself. Oh yeh if you want to email me my address is allyson.murphy@yahoo.co.uk xx = |
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hey ally just to let you know i have emailed your yahoo address xxx
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I am sorry that you are going thourgh that . You are not alone .There are others . I am glad you shared that with us .You got that out and wrote on here and admit to what you do . I hope that you do seek help . You are a strong good person .Yes You ..
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i may have missed it but what do you do when you eat during the day? it seems you dont like this style of life so why dont you stop?
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Yeah I do eat in the day but very limited. When i wrote this post i had just an apple for lunch, sandwich for lunch and my dinner i would throw up.
Now i have cereal with alpro soya milk for breakfast and a salad for my lunch and now i snack on apples throughout the day. in the past week i have made myself sick just once and that was sunday. The only thing that stops me is when i am busy busy busy. like when i finished work last nite i just had tine to go home and get ready to go to the pub, then straight after i went to the cinema with my other mate, i didnt get home till half 12 so even if i wanted to, i just did not have the time. = |
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Lucie,
I can relate to you on some levels. I don't binge to this degree, but I try to purge everything I put in my mouth. I am so hypervigilant about eating. I try but don't always succeed to rid myself of everything I have eaten before it is digested and becomes pounds. I hate this. When I think of all the money wasted...it is awful! I don't know why I don't think I deserve to eat like a "normal' person. My doctors don't know about my current behavior. I told one of my doctors a long time ago. But, now that I am 42, I feel so much more ashamed of myself. I'm a grown-up...like that other string says...."I should grow up." My husband is a mental health professional (PhD), I have some training in this area from my college days. Yet, here I am in the midst of this unhealthy self-abusive behavior! My husband knows somewhat my behaviors...I know it worries him. But, he is not fully aware, of the extent of my purging. I really want to get better. I want help! = |
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Madeline,
the last thing you need to do is feel ashamed that you have an ED and compare it to your age, as i am sure you are aware, ED's are stereotyped for teenage girls want to be thin. Do not feel ashamed chik, i know what you mean about the money situation. we are literally throwing money away. I have lost track of the amount of new things i have deprived myself of like new c-d's i would rather spend the money on food and this is wrong! xx = |
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Hi there Lucie,
Firstly, as you have realised by all your responses, you are not fighting this alone - There are many people who are in a similar place, there is nothing to be ashamed about, although i know shame is a massive part of being bulimic. I came across this forum because I am researching into making a website directed at helping those with bulimia - because I found there is alot of bits of info, but nothing solely dedicated to the bulimia. As I have discovered from reading your message and the replies to it - most people with bulimia never go to the extent of telling it in detail to ANYBODY - as is the case with me. I think it is an important part of recovery, knowing that other people know your habits, but are still able to accept you and even more, like who you are beyond bulimia. I am going to tell my story to anybody who cares to read it, it is just nice to be able to write what I have hidden for so many years. It started when I was about 7 and my favourite party trick was bringing up my food to shock my friends (okay yes, I was a wierd kid!) It was abit of fun back then and I didnt think anything of it. As I got abit older I realised that it was abit strange that i could do this bringing up thing with absolutely no difficulty - I stopped showing people as the reaction wore off. I did like food, and as I was into my gymnastics I knew that I had tobe thin, although this wasnt a problem really, because I was like a bean pole - however, I becan to stop having second helpings, and started throwing up my food in my mouth and then eating it again (all the time trying to do this without people noticing) I dont know how long this phase went one for, probably on and off for afew years. As I got older and hit puberty I battled with becoming a 'women' (that term still freaks me out and im 20!) I started dieting and had amazing self control - I was still pretty thin and at some stages my parents and coach (it was now springboard diving) feared that I had anorexia. I knew I didnt - as all anorexics say. I dont remember exactly the stage when I began throwing up for weight loss, it was on and off inbetween my extreme dieting phases. But I never really binged, it was more just if I had eaten something (like a normal helping of dinner) I would drink heaps of water so that later I could try throw it up - it wasnt a big deal then though, it was just 'if i can , I will' type thing. All this time I was a teenage girl growin up in the African country of Zimbabwe - My home which i loved very much. I was quite a popular teenager, I had afew guys who liked me and a good group of friends, my eating disorder phased out when I was around 15 and I cant remember it being an issue - I loved the attention I got from my massive (yea like size B haha) boobs! I do remember being unhappy with parts of my body though, and really focusing on them. I have always been an all or nothing type of person! The terrible political problems in Zimbabwe really hit me badly and I worried SO much and alot of the time, especially at night, or when I was alone, I never slept in my own room due to fear of the dark and other bad things , like when plagued my mind when I had the time to think. When I wasnt alone, I was a really genuinely happy girl. As the country spiralled downwards my family made plans to leave Zimbabwe and immigrate. I was 15 and at a very vulnerable age. I was training to be an Olympic athelete and was well on my way. I loved diving and was going to carry it on in my new life in new Zealand. As traumatic as it was, we had to go, within 3 months of deciding we were on the plane, off to a strange new place. My first diving trainging with an ex-olympic Chinese coach in NZ was extremely traumatic for me - already having eating issues and body image problems, being told that at 5'6 and 54kg's I was far too fat and needed to loose 10kg's didnt do much for the self esteem!!! My crash diet started immidiately and I fell into anorexic ways - I had calorie coupons which i used each day - there were 400 calories which i was able to eat a day, what i ate was up to me, as long as I didnt go over my limit. Training 5 hours a day its no wonder I lost the weight pretty quickly - I reached 46kg's and on my extremely muscley frame, I had no fat, so apparantly looked like I was going to die, even my coach at this point said 'okay no more loose weight now' (but in my mind I still has 2 kilos to go) anyway, thank god I never lost those extra 2 kg's, but gradually with people forcing me to eat, and my own will to do so after being hungry for so long I began eating, and eating, and eating! Bulimia had struck, and would was there to stay for a looong time! I was good on mondays, tuesday , thursdays, fridays and saturdays. Wed and Sunday were my days off, and I shocked myself at how much I could consume, it was measureing in the 10 000's of calories, but it was so easy to throw it up that i almost didnt even notice. This continued for 3 years until i eventually quit my sport at the age of 18 - I quite for many reasons, one was my attempt to get healthy. I always though I could stop the bulimia if need be, and just use self control, however after all these years it had become an addiction, and despite my huge want, I couldnt stop eating. I was in the darkest of places, depressed, homesick, bulimic and so on - My family life was so stressful because I was so sensitive to any comments about my eating, although normally my parents were forcing me to eat because I was so good at concealing my bulimia. shit, it was stressful. It got to the point when I was waking up at 6am so that i could get to the kitchen before anybody woke, id have 5 pieces of toast, cereal, chips, museli bars, anything i could find, id eat until i lookd 8 months pregnant, then id go 'get rid of it' by throwing up - and go back to bed. on waking at 8 o'clock i would repeat that and then get onwith the day - until the urges struck again, normally by about 10. and then 12 and then 1 and then 2 and so on. On a standard day i was throwing up about 30 times. I was going crazy I thought. I knew as you mentioned Lucy - which foods came up easy - for me it was anythign milky and refined, like chips, cereal etc, id drink alot of milk to make it easier to throw up, even though it was pretty easy anyway. At night times after dinner i would go to my secret stash of food and devour whatever I had, then go for a walk and make sure when nobody was watching id throw up over the bridge into the river by our house. It got so bad - this is probably the worst thing I did - I would sit on the train for an hour on the way home from uni and of course be eating, eating eating - id always have a drink which was empty, in a dark bottle or in a plastic bag - id pretend totake sips from it and regurgitate back into the bottle the food that I had just eaten - it became that easy. My god, I am so glad I have come a long wy since then. I remember once I was talking to somebody and for some reason I couldnt control my gag reflex and involuntarliy spewd up abit of my food right in front of them - I was so humiliated and acted like I was feeling sick all along. When I went on boats I pretended to be sea sick so I could throw up my food. How people didnt knwo is completely beyond me. But they genuinely didnt. I forgot to mention that my mom became suspicious of my behaviour when i was about 16 - it was discovered that my older sister suffered from bulimia (not as severely as me, but all the same) the way that everyone found out about this was because one night she was in the shower and she tried to make herself sick through getting her gag reflex with the toothbrush - and she bloodey well swallowed the thing!!! She admitted quickely to mom that she was bulimic and explained to her what had happened and she got rushed to hospital! (you think this would have put me off for life... it shows, if it were JUST self control, it would be easy, but it goes far beyond that). I dont know why both my sister and I were effected, I just hope it misses out my little sister - I keep an eye on her to make sure I dont see any signs. Anyway, at the beginning of this year I decided it was seriously time to get some help - So I eventually worked up the courage to go for councelling at my uni. I was going on holiday with my boyfriend of 3 years and I wanted to be alot better by the time we went (he has no idea of my struggles) anyway, that gave me 2 months, and no, I was hardly better by the time we left, but still, I was working through issues that i now realise drove me to binge. I stradily improved my bulimia ways, and was pleased when i restricted throwing up to the evenings, at least i could have a day! gradually the odd day crept in when I wouldnt throw up at all - id feel fat and grose, but I knew It needed to be done. It was 5 weeks ago when I made an aim of 2 days without throwing up, which i achieved, and now it has been 5 weeks and still I havnt made myself sick, or binged (too the extent that I HAVE to throw up) Iv put on 2 kg's but I accept that it will take time fo rmy metabolism to settle down. the main thing is, my life has been so much more SIMPLE! I am amazed at how much time =, energy and money bulimia took up. I am paranoyed about slipping again, and still sometimes I do little vomits in my mouth, but not often, and I make them go back down - yuk! I just hope that if or when, (because I know healing from bulimia is a looong term thing) I do slip up, I have some support to get me back on my feet. It is hard though, when there is such a shame surrounding the illness - at least in groups like this, after bearing all, there is no shame. I hope that this has been abit helpful for others. It has helped me, I feel ... abit lighter, more free .. less freakish. Please respond if you have anything to say, or ANY questions, a bit part of self help is helping others. Remember this: Be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy. Take care everyone. Love. Shae = |
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Hey shae
Well done you must be really pleased that you have gone so long with out making yourself be sick. I haven't done it for almost 2 weeks im really scared will slip i hope i dont. It is nice to know that people are going through the same thing. If you need support or anything we are all her for you. Luv Ally x = |
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Hi,
Shae, thanks for posting your story, it's comforting to know that there are many people going through what I am. It sounds like it was difficult for you, growing up with all those pressures and expectations that others put on you. It was a month ago that i posted my story, feels great doesn't it to get it off your chest?!?!? In a month Shae i have changed completly. Over 2 weeks ago now i decided that i was seriously going to try and stop and in those 2 weeks i have only let myself down a couple of times so i am doing really well. I had the day off work yesterday and didn't binge or make myself sick- that is the first day i have had off Bulimia free for as long as i can remember! Like i say, i am on my way to recovery, and if someone told me 2 weeks ago that in two weeks i would be hardly binging or making myself sick, i wouldn't of believed them. How are you now with your Bulimia / Anorexia if you don't mind me asking?!?!? xxxxx = |
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I have been bulimic for 4 years now with a splash of anorexia in there every so often. Luci, your day sounds a lot like mine.
In the morning when I wake up I have an apple and a bananna and a whole bunch of vitamens and minerals because I am so deficiant from my unhealthy life style... (6:00) Lunch roles around and it is my favorite meal because I am usually guilt free or almost. I get a large Turkey salad, turkey is better for you than a hell of a lot of other things but I end up picking it all out anyway.. I use no salad dressing on my salad at all, it comes with ranch, ranch is too fatty.. With my salad comes half an orange which I also thouroghly enjoy because, once again, it is guilt free. The part that isnt is the packaged crackers that also come in it.. I eat them anyway and figure I will make up for it during my later purge.... I get home and cant even contain myself until dinner.. I first go to the frige and scam for things that come up easy, taste good, or things I really am just craving. I take out anything I want and set it on the counter. peanut butter jelly artichoke dip ice cream salami, other lunch meat cheese.... I go to the pantry. chips crackers candy bars chex mix dry cereal I set that next to everything else... I eat the peanut butter and jelly all by itself, the whole jars.. Moveing on eat eventually consume it all.. Because I was so careless with what I chose and the careless way I hardly even chewd the food, just swallowed it, when it comes time to purge it up it is messy... Later I will go out to dinner with my boyfriend.. Order something really good, eat it all. Go into the restroom of the resturaunt and puke it all up.... When I was in highschool and I lived with my parents, I would take showers at night so that I could just puke straight in the shower and wash the shame down the drain.... After these four years I am not as bad as I once was. I have even managed to admit my dissorder to someone, unfortunatly. My boyfriend. This was ultimatly a huge mistake.. now when he comes home for work he asks me, "baby, did you puke today?" and it just kills me. I dont want to hurt him.. I look right into his eyes and say, "no baby, I did good today." I hate hurting him, lieing... I fear that I am ging to have an early death because of my dissorder... We are engaged... Sometimes I cry trinking about myself going into cardiac arrest because this shit and dieing...Not being there for him.Not having childeren..... I just cant stop. I have a serious fear of being fat... I was when I was in middle school and lost the weight to anerexia then eventually moved on to bulimia because it is so much easier, satisfying, fulfilling... Thanx for listening, I cant even say all that to my boyfriend... = |
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Sharmaynefaye,
well done for getting that off you chest- i bet you feel better for it don't you?!??!?! it sounds like you experienced so many pressures whilst you were younger. How is your Bulimia now? Lucie xxxxx = |
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How Old Are You, When did you start?
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I am bulimic also it started when I was 15 now 12 years later, still bulimic, married and my husband does not know about it. I have no one to talk to about it that i trust.
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I too have been struggling with bulimia for about ten years. I started out just trying to shed some weight because I had always been about 20 pounds overweight. I have now reached a point where I feel that I will lose all control if I am unable to purge. Going out to dinner has been a real challenge. It is not always accessible to purge so I resort to making excuses not to eat my meal.
However, my real concern now is that I am married and about five months pregnant. Even my unyielding wish for a healthy baby has not been enough to make me stop purging. My husband has no idea that this problem even exists in my life. As a matter of fact, no one knows. I have successfully managed to keep this my secret for all these years. Because I never really fell to an alarming low weight, no one ever suspected a thing. But now being five months pregnant, I have only gained a total of 1 pound. I fear that my secret will be revealed through this pregnancy and I will be unable to return to my 'habit' after the baby is born. I don't understand my love for what I do to myself and worry that I will no longer be able to protect it. I am so ashamed! = |
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Hi dani,
my ED was hidden also because i stayed at a 'normal' weight aswell. if any of you wanna talk im here! i am now recovering and doing really really well! xx = |
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Hi Lucie, have you ever sought treatment for your ED? I know that I am not ready to give it up. I can't understand it. I want help, but I don't want to be told that I can't do it any longer. Does that make sense? How long have you been purging?
Its comforting to talk about this.... thanks. = |
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Hi Danni,
my ED started when i was 13 then dissapeared for a couple of years. The last couple of years i have been going through the daily struggle of making myself sick. I have not been brave enough or had the strength to talk about it to my doctor. This will sound really weird now but at the mo i haven't really purged for a couple of weeks and now cus i am in control of stopping, i would now have the courage to go to the docs, but not while i was still purging because then my control would of been taken away. how long have you been Bulimic? lucie = |
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Hi Lucie,
I think that's great that you just stopped on your own. Was there something momentous that occured to give you that extra strength to do it? This may sound corny, but I am so proud of you! I started purging when I was about 22 years old. I don't know how it started... I really don't remember the very first time. I just remember my age at that time. I am 38 years old now. I have had some problems with fillings in my teeth as a result of the bulimia. I am sure my dentist suspects but has never asked me or mentioned anything. Its my husband that I am worried about. Since I became pregnant, I have not put on any weight. I am 5 months now and he went out and bought a scale for the bathroom. He has asked me a few times already to get on and I have refused. I just laughed it off saying that he was being ridiculous and the baby is just fine. I NEVER want him to know about my bulimia. I am worried! What are your thoughts? Danni = |
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hi danni, thanx 4 replying!
the only reason i honestly saw sense to stop was because my mom confronted me! that kinda pulled me back into reality and slowly but surely i am breaking the ED up bit by bit. I would not have had the strength to just stop. Like i say it was only cus my mom found out. My mom has kept her distance, she hasn't interferred but i would never have stopped if she hadn't caught me! You are in a hard situation, which i feel for you and will always be here to help or chat! So 5 months pregnant, is it your first child? and are you still purging or has it eased off? If you are not ready to stop then you can't be forced to because the outcome will be much worse if you get my drift?!! Just bear in mind that the baby needs nutrition. xxx = |
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Hi Lucie!
Thanks for being here. Its great to have someone to talk to about this. Yes, this is my first child and I am very excited. The purging has been more difficult acheive I think because my body wants to keep the food in for nutrition for the baby. So, instead I have been eating less to compensate for being unsuccessful in my purging attempts. I know how this sounds believe me. I should be putting the baby first. I really am trying! I love this baby and would just die if it weren't healthy. Your words of encouragement really help! Are you married or have any children? How long did your mother know about your bulimia? Looking forward to hearing from you :-) Danni = |
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I only wish I could do that. I do something similar, but not quite the same. I make myself about 4 cups of green tea and then I go out and buy myself all the junk food I can eat, while my tea is cooling. when I get home I eat all the junk food combined with the tea i made, which then makes me sick and most of the time I can get the food out one way or the other, but sometimes it takes a while. I just keep drinking tea and then in about a half an hour I get most of the food out. Most of the time though I have to wait until morning to get my stomach absolutely empty. I must be doing something wrong.
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Hi didn't realise green tea gives that effect!
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it's not disgusting, it's human. it's a compulsion. i do the same thing. it's a hard thing to live with. hope you're ok.
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i think that its really good youve posted this on here.
ive tried throwing up before but i cant. i really dont like the way i look.. = |
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HI Erenaa.
sounds like you are going through this awful stage of an ED yes? why don't you like the way you look? x = |
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erenaa.
if you have programmed in you mind that you are gonna have an ED then let it be. no one can stop you and if they tried it would probably make you want to do it even more. just bare in mind about all the complications ED's can cause. lucie x = |
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I love to eat cookies and cake but often have trouble getting it all up. My best binge is done with pizza. Always get it up
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For all of you who are thinking of being bulimic try not to start!!! it's not good for you... Those of you who are, I know it's hard and you want to stop but it's satisfiying for you... But you know the risks and the pain so why would you encourage others to do it? Lucie and Ally I am (proud) of both of you for putting it out there and making a connection with each other... That is really touching, I hope one day you will find the strength to stop. And have you ever thought of the strength and control it takes to stop? I think that would show even more control then doing it... you would show control over yourself... Now you have given control to society and media image... Anywho I encourage you both to talk with each other and even if you don't stop... try to slow down... this is bad to encourage doing it at all but maybe just do it once or twice a week... or Lucie only do it once not twice... just some suggestions... but best of luck to all!!!
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i am sorry to ask you this but i am a 17 year old student and i am doing a paper on bulimia nervosa for my psychlogicalpart of health and social care and wondere if you wud be able to tell what you think are the cognitive, biological, soial influence and behaviorism perspectives as i cannot find them at all soory again xx
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thats similar to my day lucie .. apart from i have someone to talk to .. i have a very kind tutor .. am sorry that thats your life but i feel the same when ritten on paper it is disgusting but it our lives .. bless you chick
kayx = |
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Wooow I cant believe there are so many other that do the same things that i do....Im from the US and i feel like im the only one on the earth that does this (binging and purging) reading your story was like thinking about my day.....im a little worse but im trying to get better.thank you lucie!!
Sofia = |
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Been there, done allll of that. Thank you for sharing, I know it isn't easy to talk about sometimes... but if feels better to get off your chest! I know you're not proud of it, and you want to get better... it's just harder than anyone ever thinks. I believe that noone understands unless they have lived the awful day when they Plan everything around binging and purging... like you just explained. It's not that YOU DON"T want to come home from work... eat a healthy dinner and then take a nice walk outside and then come back and shower and sit and watch a good movie or something... but it's harder than that. Eating disorders are complex, we want stability and normalcy... but we "ruin" everyday with binging and purging. Keep your head up, Keep fighting and trying to get better :) One day, you're going to have a breakthrough and you're going to feel proud and relieved and alive! best of luck... but keep trying to work in the right direction
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Hi! Thanks for sharing part of your story. I have struggled with bulimia for 22 years and over the past year, going thru a divorce with a 3 year old and 4 year old, has only escalated my binging/purging. If I don't have a "babysitter" in my life, I can live alone with my food and no one knows what I am doing. I have rituals that are definitely not pretty and I think sharing it does provide some relief. They say we are purging our "feelings" so putting it down on paper and talking about it is kind of a form of purging. Up until recently, I did not have a purge free day for at least a year. I fell down and fractured my jaw and now have my jaw wired shut. I had 6 days and actually figured out a way to purge, even with my jaw wired shut. That is so sick! I put stuff in the blender and liquified it and then purged it up. It was so nasty. I can binge/purge for 8 hours straight, sleep for 2 and then get up and do it again. It is such an animal. I pray, go to 12 step meetings and just can not get it. I am hoping to get into a treatment center.....hopefully in September. That is my only hope. I need to be monitored to learn how to eat. I have a fear of eating something "normal" and keeping it down. I just understand, empathize with your situation and am in a similar predicament. There is recovery out there. I have met people that are free from this disease. I will continue to pray and will say a prayer for my fellow sufferers! God Bless and keep writing.
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you are not disgusting AT ALL.
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WELL, UH WOW. WERE THE SAME EXEPT I DONT STORE IT ANYWHEER NEAR MY CLOTHS!
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Sorry for the caps it was a accident.
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Hi Lucie, This may seem very strange to you...or not. My days are so similar to what you have described yours to be. I do so well all day long, it's when I get home when I go nuts with food. I seem to eat any BAD stuff that happens to be in the house. Just tonight I have eaten ALL the leftovers (and there were a lot) from a dinner party I had at my house last night. Vomitted twice to get to the bottom of it all. This is the second time that my nose has bled durring the act. It kind of scares me, but apparently not enough. I have NOT told any one about my illness. Looking back, I realize that I started all of this when my neice was born 23 years ago and have continued off and on since then and my weight has gone up and downall those years. I am 55 years old and quite ashamed of myself. I work, I exercise, I have lots of friends, I have a decent husband, three grown kids and 2 young grandchildren. What more could I possibly want in life????? To make myself so sick that My health is seriously threatened is so stupid, and I'm not a stupid person in general. For the past week the disease has had complete control over me but, I'm telling you Lucie, for you and for me, tomorrow I will not binge and purge.
Thank you Lucie. Maybe we can help each other. I'm prepared to give you my email address if you'd like to try to buddy up. Any way Lucie, all the best to you and your health, Gramma = |
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Hello lucie!
Your lifestyle sure reminds me of mine... I have the stupid need to be thin, and now I'm not, my weight is always changing, and I tired of purging myself by vomiting, I'm also tired of excessive workout, I'v tried to control myself but I just CAN'T! I talked to my mother and she made me go to a shrink, I absolutely hated it! But I stopped my sick behavior, I was always purging! I tried all i could and I started to think I was cured, and I was, till I fell in love again and the guy dumped me, then i felt worthless again, and now I'm using diet pills, laxatives and I have this binging episodes fallowed by the purging ones! I want to be thin again, I feel so fat!! I jus't don't think this is working, those stupid diet pills make me feel so bad... I really don't know what to do! I wan't to be thin so badly... = |
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It's funny that after 2 years of being a good girl and not binging/purging once, that I find myself starting to do it again!
I used to be bulimic for about 7 years, and then i quit cold turkey when I found out i was pregnant. I started occaisionally doing after I finished breast feeding as I felt unhappy with my larger body. I wasn't doing it as frequently as before (when at my worst it was about 4x a day.) but maybe about 3x a week. 2 years ago, I made a conscious decision to just stop. It was like an alcohol that is struggling to become sober, and I was proud of my achievments! I actually thought I had it licked after my year anniversary. I am not sure why I am starting it up again. I feel so annoyed at myself when i actually plan throughout the day of how I am going to binge/purge. All the dancing around and lying and waiting to be alone, the right time to do it. IT is so exhausting! I feel so alone, because being bulimic is such a shameful thing. I just recently admitted to my counselour (sp) of my food issues. She gave me the number of an eating disorder specialist. I haven't called yet I guess because of vanity. I have to be somewhere in August where I know I will feel like a fat cow if I am not skinnier. I just wish I could be normal and quit catagorizing food as good or bad. I wish I could listen to my body's cues of hunger, instead of over-riding them. It's funny reading how similar some people's 'plan' is to mine. I 'line my stomach' too so I will know if I have gotten it all out too. I also have a certain time limit that I allow before I purge and if it get's delayed for some reason, than I always feel less satified that i haven't gotten it all. I find chocolate bars really hard to purge, while cheesecake is easy, so is ice cream. Writing this down is helpful, finding people like me to talk to is helpful too. = |
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Hello everyone, I have begun a short story to relieve my feelings towards bulimia. Although a little confronting, Im sure many of you can relate to it. Here is the first few paragraphs: She leaned over the tub, gazing at the small puddle of vomitus that lay there. Examining its mixed contents with curiosity, she wondered how many calories had been purged. Still not enough, she thought, biting her lips. I know I have eaten more than that tonight. She leaned further forward, once more pressing her stomach against the rolled up towel which lay between her and the edge of the bathtub. This method, she knew, applied more pressure to her stomach and therefore ensured gravity would assist in the force of the next purge. If she could just get the remaining contents out… Why was it so hard tonight? It used to be so much easier. Her fingers made their way to the back of her throat and she scratched away desperately, urging on the sickly feeling she had induced countless times before. A rush of fluid, bile, ice-cream, mixed with cookie dough and traces of chocolate streamed through her oesophagus and spread itself throughout the preceding puddle, which was now beginning to obstruct the drain. An acid sting filled her mouth as her throat began to swell and throb. Despite the anguish, a strong sense of relief overwhelmed her as she lay back panting. The puddle now looked to her like a deranged Warshack test, a wild animal lost in a tangle of vines. As she stood up, her knees made a cracking sound and she carefully sipped a glass of water she had prepared earlier to fill her stomach - it seemed to help bring up the food more easily and flush away the acidic after-effect. She looked at herself in the mirror - cheeks swollen, glazed eyes, wild hair with traces of food particles dripping from the ends. This is the last time, her conscious mind repeated forcefully, while subconsciously she knew she would be back within the week to repeat the cycle of what had become a habitual cleansing ritual. Purging negated the guilt and provided a feeling of control, while inharmoniously leaving a feeling of emptiness both physically and emotionally. How did I get here? she thought as she made her way from the bathroom to her computer chair, where she would spend the next two hours planning calories for the following day and designing a new exercise regime, which would no doubt be much more viabl | |