Right, I know a lot of people want tips and advice on how to purge easier.
Ive spent endless nights searching the internet for them myself, I know everybody says chew your food untill mushy and to drink before during and after your binge to bring the food back up easier but when the time comes for me to binge/purge all of the advice goes out the window.
Im gonna describe my average day and you can take away whatever you want from it, whether its support, tips or just the feeling that somebody is the same as you because most of the time i think i must be crazy and that nobody else must do such fucked up stuff.
anyway, im gonna get on with the "my average day" business...
Im in college so i get up around 11 on an average day, i eat nothing for breakfast, I choose my outfit depending on whether im having a fat day (this is a regular thing) if i feel bloated or that i look fat ill wear something baggy with a belt to try and give the illusion of a small waist underneath all that material.
i eat nothing in college, i drink extremely hot tea and coffee and lots of water. my average day of college lasts around 6 hours, sometimes i start to feel faint or i get a headache but i just add more sugar to my tea to keep my energy high, i smoke around 10 ciggarrettes while im there to keep my hands and mouth busy and i try not to take too much money with me otherwise ill be tempted to buy food.
When i arrive home i have around an hour before my mum gets home from work, I use this time to dispose of vomit but ill come to why this is later,
when my mum comes home i have already had a packet of crisps or some toast, usually something high in carbs. and more tea.
i then have what i call a mini binge.
in this binge ill eat something like, 3 packets of walkers crisps,4 slices of extremely buttery toast, a couple of biscuits, A sandwich (usually chicken and coleslaw or tuna mayo), a few crackers with butter washed down with water. Around 10 minutes later ill go upstairs....lift up my shirt and examine my swollen stomach....a million things run through my mind when i do this....(will it stay like this? imagine all the weight im gonna put on? ive starved all day and ive fucked it up. This needs to be gotten rid of. greedy fat bitch.)
As my mum noticed the smell of vomit in the toilet i needed another way of purging in secret....I have a large mixing bowl, a roll of toilet tissue, and a plastic glove which i keep in the top of my wardrobe.
I go into my bedroom and pull my bed infront of my door...i turn my tv/radio up loud, close the curtains...put the bowl between my open wardrobe doors....bend over and push from the bottom of my stomach upwards. ive found using the hand i DONT write with makes it easier somehow, (left) i used to purge with 2 fingers but found the more you use, the quicker the purge, i use 4 fingers and push deep down my throat. i swallow my fingers (obv cant swallow them but i just do a swallow motion ) and it comes out..ill repeat this over and over untill i taste acid or i see the first thing i ate on the top of my vomit...ill then wipe my fingers with tissue...rinse my mouth with water...and store the vomit back in the top of my wardrobe...
for around 3 hours ill be ok again...when my mum goes to bed i repeat the binge except with more food added on to the previous list, such as pizza, chips,noodles,more sandwiches,ice cream (easiest thing to purge EVER) i then purge again untill the bowl is full...
Going back to emptying the bowl int he hour i have before my mum gets home...i leave the vomit in the wardrobe all day....i cant leave it any longe i have had to in the past and trust me it stinks...
i pour in down the toilet..usually takes around 4 flushes.
i then put the bowl in the shower....completeley bleach it so theres no residue of old vomit....clean it out and replace it in the cupboard..i spray air freshener...and im done.
and this is repeated everyday.
sometimes i have just 2 binges....but i have been known to have up to 10 in one day depending on how long i am left alone in the house.
Yeah this whole storys pretty gross...
and i am starting therapy this friday which i DO regret as at the minute i still feel that bulimia is the only thing i have in my life which is mine and that will ultimately make me happy. ive been told this is stupid, i know its stupid, i know it could kill me but in my mind all i think is...im gonna go to therapy..sit there..and get nothing out of it....im only doing it for my mum and boyfriend.
Writing this has really helped me releive some stress...
hope you managed to gain atleast SOMETHING out of it.
For anyone suffering with bulimia i know how you feel
we all know we cant carry on like this forever, and thinking of thats terrifying. is just a matter of when your ready to stop. and move on..for the time being, im not, but if you are go for it and i wish you all the luck in th world with recovery. if you really want it you'll get there xxxxx :) ↓
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