I am 19 and have always been afraid of being fat. My grandmother barely eats and counts her calories; my mother use to fast and now overeats; my older sister was bulimic & anorexic when she was my age; and my younger sister has a very low self-esteem. In my household, I am the thinest girl, and I feel entitled to keep that (I think that is part of the reason why my sisters have self esteem issues). My mom and sisters would tell me everyday that I need to eat, I look sick, when I thought I was perfectly fine. I also loved it when my friends would tell me how "tiny" I am. I am very much a perfectionist, and my view of body image is quite distorted, but I do eat. I would eat just about anything. But I think now my body is starting to change, so I freaked.
I watch everything I eat, and I workout 2 hours 4-5 times a week. I do a lot of weight training and noticed I gained about 10 lbs. I am freaking out that I might be getting fat that I work out harder and I start counting fat, carbs, and calories, but the scaled keeps going up. I feel fat, and look at "tiny" girls and miss being that way. My clothes are still fitting and if I pintch my skin, I don't have any "fat".
But why do I feel I've gotten bigger? Why does it seem like my friends aren't calling me "tiny" and my mom is telling me how "healthy" I look. Is it weird that I don't want to be "healthy," that I really enjoyed being underweight? My mom knows I have a problem, but she just tells me that I'm sick.
I just am tired of stressing out about food. I think about it 24/7. I analyze other girls that I feel like I use to be that. I'm tired of working so hard to be thinner, when I use to not have to work at it all. I didn't ever think I was fat then, but once the scale started to go up, I completely lost it. I know I don't have anorexia, because I do eat, but I have some form of anorexia--a beginning stage perhaps. All I know is, food is the enemy. I just need help to understand why the scale is going up, when will it stop, and why does everyone think I'm crazy for worrying about it? Can't they see I'm suppose to be underweight and that being "healthy" makes me feel fat?
Please, I need someone to understand me, because no one else does. ↓
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