i've never really done anything like this and i just need someone to talk to. i have a book in my room where i write down all my thoughts whenver i'm having a bad day and it helps a bit but i just want to get it out to people who will actually understand and maybe write back.
i've been bulimic for just over two years now, my mum found out about a year ago that i was making myself sick and she thinks it has all stopped now but really its worse than ever. i can go for just over a week without eating and i feel amazing, i look nicest when ive not eaten for a week but most of the time i cant even get myself out of bed. after about a week and a half i start to get hungry but its not just hunger for a snack its like a need to binge, to just eat anything and everything. its never healthy food tho its always junk so i feel even worse. i make sure i drink plenty of water and chew all my food so i know i can easily get it back up. i only ever binge when everyone else is in bed or when theres no one in the house because i know this means i can throw it up without anyone knowing.
i know which foods are easier to come up, i know which foods will be sloppier so they don't make noise when they hit the toilet water, everytime i throw up i cry and say i won't do it again, but i end up going back for more food and throwin up again or doing it the next day.
after ive had my binge day i tend to eat less and less each day and sometimes manage to convince myself its ok if a little stays inside, but i eventually get to the point where i won't eat for a week again and then thats when people start to question me about it. i hate being faced with questions about it and i hate that theres noone in my life atm that i can talk to about it properly who will understand me.
everyday i take a vitamin tablet so my body cant crave for them throughout the day, this helps me to not eat as much, i also drink water and coke zero as much as i can to fill me up.
i've recently been diagnosed with body dismorphia and was meant to go to group therapy for it but i missed it because i was having a fat day and didn't want to go out feeling as fat as i did.
i've been a normal weight for my height for quite a while and i hate that i'm not underweight, i just want to be skinnier and i have a goal weight but i know when i reach it i will want to be even thinner. i used to be obese and in the space of about 6 months lost 4 stone because i was in a really bad routine with my eating, binging and purging. this is when my mum found out and stopped it and in a way i hate her for stopping me because thats when i was best at all this and was able to lose weight whenever i wanted.
people don't understand me when i say i dont want to stop the way i am i just want to be able to continue. i dont really want help i just want to be able to tell people and people be able to accept me for it. i hate myself for wanting to carry this on but in a way its like an addiction for me. ↓
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