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Hi all..I'm new to this forum but I know that my tale is age old. I'm 31 years old with three kids. My daughter Aramaya is 6, son Perrin is 4 and little Romany is 15 months. I've been married for almost three years. I live in Australia.
My husband and I have Romany together and got married six weeks after we met. Whirlwind romance! But, I have my first two kids with my ex partner of 8 years. I'm good friends with my ex and we have an excellent friendship, share parenting and he's a great father. BUT, I have a problem that is hugely affecting my marriage. My husband is LAZY AS HELL. He has only ever bathed his daughter once, he hardly ever feeds her, changes her nappy, rarely gets up to her in the night and certainly does nothing for our two oldest kids (his step kids). He disciplines our eldest two but doesn't put them to bed, read stories or do any of the things that I would expect. He has been around them since Perrin was 1 and Aramaya was 3 so they think of them as their Dad as much as my ex partner. I am a freelance journalist and work up to twenty hours a week BUT because I want to be a hands on Mum, I choose to work at night and on Friday's (my Mum has my two youngest kids rather than have them go to day care)...but regardless of this, I still have to do 100% of the cooking, cleaning, etc. I even do the traditional 'man' chores like gardening, taking out rubbish, changing lightbulbs!!! He does NOTHING. Our kids aren't great sleepers so often I get 1-2 hours sleep a night, although lately they have been doing great and I've been getting around 5-6 hours sleep. My husband does work long hours, up to 10 hours a day (he is a builder) and often six days a week. For this reason, I don't mind doing 95% of the housework. I'm home mostly and I'm better at it anyway so I think I should do the most cleaning. BUT, is it wrong to expect him to stack the dishwasher every night?? Is it wrong to expect him to pick up his dirty cups and take them to the kitchen? You should see his clothes in our bedroom - all over the floor. He is a slob. He rarely puts anything away. Every now and then he will be fantastic for a week. He'll fold the washing for me, he'll stack the dishwasher every night, he'll vacuum if he isn't working on Saturday....it is so fantastic. He then racks that up as a sign that he is helping me out ALL THE TIME and that he's a great husband. It gets worse. Over the past month i've been quite sick. It's Autumn here and there are some rotten flu's going around. I seem to have picked up everyone of them as well. Of course as you do, I expect my husband to look after the kids while I'm feverish and can hardly move. BUT NO!!! Our two eldest kids were at their Dads so he only had to look after our baby. Every time she woke, I had to kick him awake in amongst my fevers. At six am, when she normally gets up for the day, she had to cry for half an hour bc he was too tired to get up. Then he said he wasn't going to get up, then it was "I'll get up if you get up with me" - I WAS FEVERISH AND IN EXTREME PAIN WITH FLU!!! Then he finally got up, huffing and puffing, and I get a yell up the stairs at 8am saying, Kel, when are you going to get up!!! I had to get up. He did look after Romany for the whole day but in the afternoon I could tell he was grumpy and had had enough of caring for us. I was so so sick and so emotional bc I just wanted someone to look after me for once. After an argument, he admitted that he doesn't like looking after me when I'm sick and said I get an attitude when I'm sick. I DON'T! I don't whinge, or complain - I just get on with it and most of the time, don't even get looked after except by my Mum bc I know I can't rely on him. This has led me to ask the question - what happens if, god forbid, I got a serious disease like Cancer and really required looking after. I could not rely on him at all. What sort of marriage is that!!! In sickness and in health!!??!! I think not. My husband did have a horrible childhood where his mum left him when he was 8 and never returned to his life. He did have to look after his little sister and had a pretty crappy unsettling army life with his dad. BUT he had some therapy about that and told me he was all over it now. When does the past become an excuse? Should I expect him to help out more? He always makes me feel bad for asking him, he says, "I went to work today, I need some me time, I never get time to myself, I'm so tired, I'll do it later, I just want to relax for a bit". It's driving me mad. I feel resentment and though I absolutely don't want another failed marriage, I know that I am starting to pull away emotionally. I feel angry when i look at him and yet I really miss him. Any suggestions?! ? |
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First I would like to say.....Welcome!
Second.....MAN! That was long! sorry it was so long I have to admit I didn't read the hole thing. I did however skim through. Third...all I can say to posts such as this one is....MEN SUCK!!! and we women some times suck even more for allowing the men to be the way they are. = |
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Kels,
Welcome! secondly.......I can give you a few pointers that worked for me........ I will an have no problem washing all the laundry....BUT IT MUST ME IN THE HAMPER! If they are not in the hamper I do not wash them........they learn...lol....when they run out of clothes..... secondly, I do not mind doing the dishes......buuut they must be on the counter......if they are not, they do not get done....or moved! I am a stay at home Mom....but I am not a servant! My husband also works very long hours.......so I feel my job is to support his job.....My Hubby rarely got up with babies.....because he has to get up for work at 2 am......so this I knew, and usually did not mind.......he HAS to sleep to be able to work, to support our family....... now with sickness......well Most men SUCK with this!!!!! Woamn usually are nurtures........When I am sick Hubby will help out by watching the kids......but not cook, so we will order in or what ever....... again, he does not do much for house work........but again.....he works a lot......to support us......... If I dont feel like cooking- I order in for a break- pick up take out- I too am a blended family.......so I do understand:) = |
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