Big decision about more children This is a post from a livejournal account I have. After much review, I figured it'd be good for me to have it here to show Talon in the future that his mother DOES love him and his big brother and they mean more to me than anything else in the world!
Over the weekend, I had some time to discuss future prospective children with Gary. Now, it was always he that said he wanted one child but as soon as we got married to each other, two has been acceptable not including David.. including David three is cool. Well, I explained my reasoning on not having another one after Talon.. most of all... my life! I told Gary I wanted a tubal ligation done. It's not that I wouldnt want another child. Its just I cant seem myself go through this heartache again. He was totally against at first.... saying I may change my mind. I may want another! Dr says I can have another but my body and my mind just wont let me.
Even as I am typing this.. my head hurts very badly. My eyes are blurred and my vision is askewed. Perhaps I did too much work already.
Anyways,I told him if we didnt have a tubal done, we would have to used condoms from here on out. I cant use the birth control pills because of my BP and I WONT get a shot every three months. He would have to get used to the idea of using condoms again. I was okay with not getting it but I dont want to get pregnant again.. not that I wouldnt love this child or the next.. just the third times the charm and I dont want to leave my family behind because I let my feelings for my husband override my judgement.
Yesterday, I was cleaning dishes and he came in there and told me if I wanted it done... he understood why I wanted it done! He just didnt want to have to use a condom anymore. He said he was content with having one child.. (thank god we have our Talon now)
After he left, what he said got me to thinking... is it only about the sex? Is it something more? I called him back into the room and asked him. He said no.. he understood that even though it was plausible to have another one, that it was just way too risky to risk another child even if it would be hopefully my Emerald. I told him that I loved Talon and David very much but if I hadnt of met him again, I wouldnt have another one after David. I took the chance of getting pregnant again when I told Gary I loved him. I knew what the costs were beforehand. He said he wanted one, not two or three. He finally understood that getting pregnant for me was, in fact, the most scariest thing in the world for me. He said to go ahead and sign the papers. I love my children and my husband and two is enough for me. Even if I dont get my Emerald now, perhaps, one day I can have an Emerald through adoption. A blue eyed-brown haired little girl... one day!
As of now, when Talon is born on or before July 10, I am having the tubal ligation done. Dont think it wont affect me because it will... Knowing I will NEVER get the chance to have another child will affect me but its a choice I need to make for the sake of my family and the sake of myself. I would like to see my children grow up!
2006-04-28 (28 weeks)
ultrasound update Well, went to ultrasound today and Talon is looking good as I suspected. The kid is approxiamtely 2 pounds, 9 ounces and the amniotic fluid surrounding him is looking normal. So all is well on that front. David was like that is too cool.
I did find out that he wants me to schedule my c-section before I turn 39 weeks sooo in talking with Gary.. he wants it to be July 10. Thats also his friend's birthday, but in actuality it all works out. So instead of giving birth in about 12 weeks.. It'llbe 10 weeks so it all works out. WHOO HOOO!
What else? we got two more pics of the little munchkin boy. He was head down towards my cervix as well as face down. When we wanted a picture of his face and said we wanted it, he turned his face towards us and it looks like he smiled at us again! He is too cute. I am happy right now.. VERY VERY HAPPY! Other than missing out on the whole birthing experience.
I cant think of anything else.. My next appt will be Tuesday at 1:30 p.m. for another Non-stress test. When I was just hoping for an easier go, it only gets worse! BLAH! After that one, its Friday.. So from this moment on.. I have two appts each week until July 10 or however soon it may be... Lordy Lordy! I think what I might do.. is get appts scheduled two weeks in advance so I dont have to worry about it each week.. I think that'll work for me and the dr.
2006-04-28 (28 weeks)
all round news... some good, some not so good! Well, where should I start? Today was my seventh month appt. All things considered it went as well as to be expected and not so expected.
Weight gain since Monday - ZIPPO!
Baby's heartbeat - 149 down from 160 on Monday
Fundal height - measuring at just under 30 weeks. Im 28 weeks today.
Urinalysis - +2 protein levels still
BP - 138/83
Okay onto more news... He asked me about any contractions. I told him I had been having some Braxton Hicks but nothing major. He said thats good and asked me overall how I felt. In turn, I told him other than Monday's scare, I felt great. Talon is kicking up a storm and doing well, I thought.
I got into the questions I wanted to ask... which was basically, if he thought Id make it full-term, which he said was STILL up in the air! That's just great! He said he certainly hoped so! I asked him about registration at the hospital. He said I could do that at anytime I wanted betwen now and until the birth. They recommend registration so I wont have to do it when I go to deliver. Well, thats really good to know.
Then I asked him about giving birth by c-section or vaginally and his answer is heartbreaking. As much as I want to try and give birth vaginally, given the circumstances of my weight, blood pressure and other issues ,he felt it is wise to opt for the C-section. *sigh* Not the answer I wanted to hear. I told him why I wanted to go vaginally... I felt cheated out of David's birth... and he said he understood and said if it wasnt so dangerous to me, that he'd let me do it in a heartbeat. But the other drs in the office, not hisself included, recommended anyone like me, who has already had a previous C-section, is overweight and a high risk pregnancy, must get another C-section. To be honest, Ive been depressed about it ever since. I feel like the choice to give birth was ripped away from me from day one and its not right! I wanted that chance to experience child birth and all I will get to experience is going under the knife. Which means David cant and wont be able to attend the birth. How fair is that crap?
I am able to if I want get a tubal ligation the same day as the C-section. I told Gary about it but he didnt say much about it. I think I'll sign the papers, but like Dr. Jerkins said, I can always change my mind AND I have to sign the papers 30 days in advance of the operation.
Talon was being a little bugger today. Every time the nurse went to get his heartbeat, he'd move. Jackie had to come in and finally get it, which also took her a couple of mins.
When we went to get the Non-Stress Test done, Talon again became a little bugger and kept moving away from the doppler. My nurse again had to get another nurse to help her. With me coaxing Talon to calm down, we were able to get a good measurement of his heartbeat. He is doing well!
In about an hour, we are going to do the ultrasound. I wanted Gary and David to be there so we could see Talon together as a family. If David cant see his brother be born, at least he can see this much. It's still not right! Not at all!
Lets see what else.. oh yes, from this moment on.. I am now on weekly visits to the doctor as well as those visits being twice a week. Each week we will get a NST done and the BPP.. which stands for Biophysical Profile. We are doing that this afternoon and hopefully, he will pass with flying colors. I have no doubt he will but then again, we shall see. I want to know how big my son has gotten. I cant wait!
I guess on top of the bad news about delivering.. it was overall good news. Still very disappointing since my heart was so dead set on it! I should have known better than to get my hopes up! *sigh*
2006-04-26 (27 weeks)
Sleep.. I need some real sleep. This sleeping once every couple of hours for only an hour as got to stop. I havent had any real sleep in the last three days and when I do try, I hurt really bad. Im becoming overwhelmingly grouchy and moody. My poor husband is taking it in stride though. My son, I know he feels bad for me. I told hubby this morning I was so glad I wasnt working because this was getting ridiculous. Its not just my legs that are doing it was also my back last night. Plus, I peed 10 times last night... 4 within a 2 hour period. After I went to sleep about 1, I was asleep until 2, when I HAD to pee again and was up until 3 again and was back up at 4 when the hubby left for work. I knoow he was trying to be quiet. Dont get me wrong! But asking me if I am awake, which I was really more like resting than sleeping, I mumbled yeah I am awake. and I stayed awake until 5 this morning afterwards. Climbed into my own bed and watched 30 mins of tv before passing back out. Now its almost 7 in the morning and I was back up at 6:30 with my sons alarm. I am getting him ready for school. AS SOON AS HE IS GONE, I AM GOING BACK TO BED! I cant stand this schedule. My body is not adjusting well to it! and I am sure there isnt much the dr can do. Its just a part of life but DANG, I could really use the sleep! I have had a total of 10.5 in the last 72 hours. It may seem like alot but it really isnt when all you wish you can do was sleep and cant. How I wish I could take a tylenol PM for some rest. I am so dead tired!
Monday I went for the thyroid appt and got some interesting news. They took my bp 3 times and each time the BP climbed higher and was over 90. Ofcourse I started to panic and he got me out of there so I could see Dr. Jerkins ASAP! Like he wanted me to. At first he said if I couldnt see him, to go ahead and take two BP pills instead of one. I didnt agree with that but I saw my dr anyways. After a 45 min wait and laying on my left side, the bp went back down to 110/70. Thank god! I didnt know what I was going to do if it was above. and yes, they took another urine sample. Its still a +2 protein level. ARGH! why cant it go back to nothing? I go Friday for the ultrasound and Non Stress Test.. Jerkins said the test is fairly simple and will monitor Talon's movement. He said at this stage in the game, Talon wouldnt be moving as much. I looked at him and said you obviously dont know Talon. His heartbeat measured 160 beats. WHOOO HOOO! I know he is thriving well so I have no worries there. We will find out on the ultrasound if he is gaining the weight he needs. I am sure he is.. but I havent gained much. Heck in 11 days I hadnt seen the dr, I only gained a half pound. Just that and eating tons of cake and ice cream. Yeah I know. I dont get it either. Anyways, I cant WAIT for Friday and talking with Davids principal, he can go even if he is checked out of school at 2:25. Gary will pick him up and take him. His principal agreed that since David is a well-behaved and smart child, she will let him slide and not count him absent half the day. She said she has no doubt David will pass the Benchmark AND pass the 4th grade. Thats my boy! I have seen so many awards from him for behavior and grades that it is all becoming far too redundant.. but I LOVE IT TOO!!!!!!
Yesterday, David broke up a fight between two boys. They werent even his friends.. but he tried anyways. One boy is the boy David keeps getting picked on by... Juwain and the other boy is Thomas. In the scuffle, David was pushed down and got a scratch on his eyelid. We told him from now on instead of breaking up the fight to just tell the teacher. We were proud of his effort.. but to maintain peace and make sure HE DIDNT get involved, we asked him to next time to tell a teacher. He said okay..
I guess thats about it! I cant think of anything else... when I see my doctor for the 28th week appt... which is my 7th month appt, then I will write about it in here. The NST is being done at 10 a.m. while my ultrasound is in the afternoon at 2:30 p.m. This was done so Gary and David could come to the ultrasound this time! WHOO HOO!
I feel like the choice to give birth was ripped away from me from day one and its not right! I wanted that chance to experience child birth and all I will get to experience is going under the knife. Which means David cant and wont be able to attend the birth. How fair is that crap? 
