I think I like my new gynae! I had such an awful experience with the last one and I felt that he was quite cold. I certainly can't say that he did anything wrong. But I just had a not so good feeling from the very start and I kept dismissing it. This time I had decided that I was going to go with my gut. And that if it meant that I had to go through 5 gynaes to find one that I am comfortable with then so be it! So I had my first appointment last week and I tried to go with an open mind. The gynae was nice, friendly, said all the right things etc. We talked about what happened the last time etc.
The downside is that I weigh 242 lbs! I keep wondering how I got this huge. I had lost some weight but CLEARLY I had put it all back on. This is EXACTLY what I weighed the last time I got pregnant. Anyhow, the gynae says that he's not worried. That he will only worry if I gain more than 35 lbs. He says that we can tackle the whole weight issue AFTER the birth but that right now he just wants me to eat when I am hungry, take my vitamins, eat nutritious food, and try not to eat fast food. Fair enough. My weakness was never fast food. It's chocolate, sweets etc. :( But so far so good. Since seeing him I have been trying my best and not doing too badly. This is for the baby. This isn't about me anymore. I have also started swimming in the evenings. The pool isn't very long and I am now up to 60 laps. It only takes about half an hour. Going to try to bring it up to 100 laps by the end of this month. (Must admit that I had a binge on chips ahoy cookies last night though!!! And crackers and cheese! Shame on me!)
Anyhow, the gynae did a pumpum investigation. It's never comfortable taking off your clothes and spreading your legs for a stranger. And he used the "jack". Ok so I know it's not called a jack but it reminds me of a car jack and it's really jacking up the pumpum to give him a better view. Anyhow, he said that everything seemed to be in order. He also confirmed that the baby's due date is hubby's birthday. But he said that we shouldn't get our hopes up cause the baby was unlikely to be born on that day. Fair enough. We knew that. But it's a nice thought anyway.
He agrees with me that it's much nicer to not know the baby's sex til he/she is born. I "know" it's a boy. But we won't be getting any confirmation. That's just my gut instinct.
I also did the blood tests. It wasn't so bad. The lady let mum come in and hold my hand. I should be embarrassed to admit this since I am 32. But tough shit. At least I am honest. I hate needles.
My friend is due any minute now. They are going to induce in a couple days if the baby doesn't come out on her own. Very exciting times. I haven't told her that I am pregnant. It's still top secret info and will remain that way until I reach the 12 week mark. And even after that I probably won't tell more than a handful of people. When it's time to send out photos of the baby THEN they will know that I was pregnant. I know it's silly but I am determined not to "jinx" things in any way. I so badly need to bring this baby home from the hospital. I cannot deal with a repeat of 2006. I would die from a broken heart.
2008-01-25 (6 weeks)
Trying to keep calm... But today is one of those days when I feel like I can't wait to be a mum. Please Lord let it be this time. Please.
This morning I had a quick scan on here. Well I was INTENDING for it to be a quick scan. I ended up running into a journal where the woman is trying to conceive and having no luck. This seems to have been going on for a while now. Every month she says "This is the month. I can feel it!" and she seems to have many phantom symptoms. Then days later she logs in again to say how devastated she is that it hasn't happened. It really is heartbreaking.They say that when you set out to try for a baby and you obsess over it it's less likely to happen than if you just let nature take its course. Today I am feeling so blessed. The last two times I had unprotected sex were the two times I got pregnant. The first time was at the end of 2005. The second time was at the end of last year. But I know that many women try for years and so I really have to give God thanks that I am able to conceive so quickly. On the other hand though, it doesn't mean that everything will go smoothly. But I just have to pray. Anyhow today I am feeling surprisingly calm. I looked in the mirror and realised that already my belly is growing. Maybe it's just bowel distention 'cause we know the baby is the size of a grain at 6 weeks. But I know that my shape is already changing. And they do say that with the second pregnancy you start to show sooner and you feel the baby kick sooner.
I can't wait to get to the 12 week mark. As I said it doesn't mean that I am in the clear but it does somewhat reduce the likelihood that anything will go wrong. J is so excited about his baby. He thinks it's a girl. I think it's a boy this time around. Deep down I feel that he wants a girl cause it was a daughter that we lost. But I know that we will both be grateful for whatever we get.
I am here at the hotel relaxing. I don't miss being at home in the town at all. The rural areas are so much nicer and the air is so much fresher. The staff at this hotel are so rude though. I will be writing a strong letter before I check out, that's for damn sure.
My body is a mess. I have stretch marks all over and this is only the beginning. I already have a jelly belly and my boobs are too long ( I would say saggy but they're beyond saggy, they're lengthy! LOL) . My arse is saggy, and my legs look like they need someone to press them with a steam iron! My husband MUST be lying when he calls me sexy. Cause I know he's not blind. A bit deluded maybe. But thank God for that. 'Cause no other man in their right mind would think so I'm sure.
I have gotten into the habit of using oil on my belly when I step out of the shower. My friend discovered the hard way that cocoa butter is NOT good for pregnant black women. Sometimes rather than helping to prevent the stretch marks, it makes them really dark. When I was pregnant the last time I used oil and I didn't get a single stretch mark. Well, I did. But only a few weeks AFTER I gave birth. I had stopped using the oil by then 'cause I didn't think I needed it. Duh. Silly me. But thankfully I only got two marks possibly three) and you can hardly see them. Hopefully this time I will be equally lucky. Hell, I already have enough stretch marks on my boobs and arse. I don't need anymore. Anyhow, so I am oiling up from now. Yes sireeeeeee!
Nothing else to tell really. Oh wait. One more thing. Someone on here left me a message in my guest book and I thought about it last night. She said that when I get pains I should turn on my left and speak soothingly to the baby. I did it last night. Mark you, I didn't speak out loud. J was sleeping next to me. But I did say lots of sweet things to the baby in my head and I think I whispered one or two. What's weird is that the pains seemed to subside quicker than usual. This person who told me this knows what she's talking about. That will be my ammo from now on. I will do that whenever I get those pains as I soooooooooooo want this baby...more than anything else in the world right now.
K.
2008-01-24 (6 weeks)
Will I ever be able to enjoy my pregnancy? People always say that you should enjoy being pregnant. The last time I was pregnant I was so sick throughout the entire 9 months. Not sick enough to be dehydrated and hospitalised, thank God. But sick enough to throw up a few times a day and feel really miserable. I can't remember at what stage the sickness started. But thankfully so far I have managed to escape it. I am retching of course but haven't actually thrown up. Although sometimes I feel like if I did then at least my poor tummy would feel more settled. Anyhow, I am giving God thanks for small mercies. No vomit yet!!! They do say that every pregnancy is different. And God knows that if I had to endure 100 times that level of morning sickness to have this baby survive then I wouldn't give it a second thought. But I remember people always saying "Enjoy being pregnant. It goes by so quickly!" and I used to want to jump on them and scratch their eyes out. Or at the very least scream "WTF is there to enjoy you stupid cow/arse?!" and yet I can kind of see that many pregnant women enjoy the experience, especially being pampered by their other halves, family, even strangers on the bus etc. But once again I feel like I won't ever be able to sit still and enjoy this experience even if I am NOT sick. For example, last night I had a tummy ache. It probably was just a normal part of early pregnancy. It sort of felt like my period was about to start. Anyhow, could I sleep? Could I relax? Could I stop panicking? Nope, nope and nope! I woke J and asked him if he thought I was losing the baby. He said no. But it was a horrible feeling. Horrible, horrible. And I am sure there will be many other times when things don't feel right and I will be up all night in a panic. SURELY that can't be good for the baby either. They say that babies pick up on these things. I am thinking that maybe it's time to dust off that "yoga for pregnancy" DVD that I bought in 2006. I have never used it of course. Cause I am a lazy sow. But more and more I am thinking that I need to do some gentle exercise in a bid to help to calm my nerves. I cannot go through 9 months being on pins and needles like this. No way no how. And yoga might be just the thing for me.
Still haven't decided on a gynae. I finally found the gynae that I think is the best one, only for him to comment that he's SHOCKED that I had such a negative experience with Dr. S cause he's so "technically sound" and is a fabulous person. Bla bla bla blah. I don't give a shit if everyone ELSE thinks he's fabulous. I don't and maybe it's irrational but I still think sometimes that if I had gone to a different gynae my daughter may have lived. Anyhow so I am now uncomfortable going to someone who is his friend, or at least who thinks that Dr. S is Dr. frigging Superman!! That's the problem with this damn country. It's too damn small!! GRRRR!!
Ok so now I am sounding like a psychotic *itch. Best to stop now. Hopefully tomorrow I will wake up feeling less crabbit. Oh and needless to say, today I am feeling ok. i.e. no tummy ache. J and I are at a fabulous hotel on the beach and we will be here til Sunday. We have to take advantage of some alone time now 'cause heaven knows when we will get it again after mini-me gets here. Oh and one more thing. Today during the drive down here we were arguing cause J asked me how early we could find out the sex of the baby. I said hell no. I want a surprise. He said ok, he will find out and not tell me. How annoying is that?!?! I said no, we will find out together when the baby is handed to us. He says no. That it's not fair since I am the one who wants a surprise - he doesn't. I don't even have a logical reason for saying that he's being unreasonable 'cause quite frankly perhaps I am the one who is being unreasonable. But I just think the idea of not knowing the "flavour" of the baby is so much more beautiful. We already have a shitload of unisex stuff from the last pregnancy anyway. Why does he have to know the baby's sex? Men!!!!!
I am talking too much now, right? Yup! I agree. Ciao for now. Will come back and bitch some more tomorrow! LOL
K
2008-01-23 (5 weeks)
Endless Prayers This is the only name that I could think of when I was just asked to create a username for myself. That is because since finding out a week and a half ago that I am pregnant AGAIN I have been endlessly praying that everything goes smoothly. This is my second pregnancy but will be the first bundle of joy that I manage to bring home from the hospital. 2006 was THE most traumatic year of my life. I got pregnant towards the end of 2005. My baby was due on July 26th. I went into labour on July 25th but didn't go to the hospital until the next day when the contractions were much stronger. But it wasn't meant to be. As they say heaven needed a precious little angel. My baby was beautiful in every way. I had waited for her for 9 months. Felt her kick, played with her - poking her and seeing how long it took her to return my pokes-, singing to her, telling her all my hopes and dreams for her, listening to her heartbeat etc. And all for nothing. To cut a long story short, her umbilical cord got knotted and it cut off her oxygen supply. By the time I had my precious baby in my arms she was merely a shell whose spirit was already on the way to heaven. I don't think I have ever cried so much in my life. I certainly had never seen my husband bawl like that before. It was such a tragedy. Anyhow, we made the decision to have an autopsy just to confirm the cause of death. Not that we needed to know. It was so obvious. BUT the doctor just wanted to make sure that she was otherwise ok. And she was. My husband and I both fell into depression. Truth be told we never even had sex. And I mean never. We hugged and kissed and talked about the baby constantly. But we never had sex. Until December 30, 2007. Can you imagine going so long without sex? It used to be frustrating at times but for much of that time I had gone off sex myself. Anyhow, we went away for a romantic night just before new year's. We rekindled our romance and this precious baby was conceived. I knew it right away. I know that they say that it's not possible to know right away that you have conceived. But the last time I was pregnant I felt "strange" from about 2 days after. And this time the same thing happened. I took so many home pregnancy tests. All negative. My hubby J kept telling me that he knew that I felt really let down but that we would conceive "soon". I ignored him. I knew that he probably got annoyed each time I spent more money on another test, especially since money is so tight right now. I am not working so he's supporting us both. Anyhow, eventually I got my mom to carry me to purchase a first response test. Those aren't easy to come by here in the third world. Anyhow, got it, did the test in secret, saw the two lines appear...and trust me, they were BOLD. And the rest is history.
Of course I am a basket case. Most expectant mothers want to get to the 12 week mark. Of course I want to get there. But I won't be able to relax until I bring the precious baby home from the hospital. Until then I will be on pins and needles. Thankfully I have a great support network. Last night my husband brought me home a beautiful rose, a giant Victoria Secrets scented candle, and the most beautiful card. None of this for any reason except to remind me that I am loved. Unfortunately I haven't told anyone that I am pregnant. Apart from one or two people outside of my immediate family. I refuse to. And I have warned J that he had better not say anything either. And he takes my threats very seriously. Cause he knows that I can be a crazy bitch at the best of times let alone when my hormones are raging!! :)
But I am happy and truly feeling blessed. Have started experiencing morning sickness but haven't thrown up yet. Am hoping it won't be as bad as the last time. Another issue is that I am obese. Not just fat but obese. I am 5'9" and my ideal weight is about 180. I weigh 235 lbs. I know that now isn't the time to be thinking about losing weight. BUT I want to start eating properly and doing some mild exercise. I am thinking of swimming in the evenings. Or walking on the treadmill. But truth be told, I haven't done any exercise in AGES. I am so out of shape and flabby and unattractive. I wonder why my husband even bothers with me half the time. He is such a good looking guy who has so many women who are interested. But I am just going to have to try not to be insecure. We have been married for 5.5 years. Surely what we have is special and I need to remember that.
Have just managed to find a pic of an embryo at 5 weeks. Will attach it.
Off now to have a look around this site and familiarise myself with it. I will be spending quite a bit of time here.
