Note: This is part 2 of a 3 part series. If you haven't read part 1, do yourself a favor and read it, laugh, rinse, repeat. Then join us back here for more mirth and hilarity. It's ok, we'll wait. Take your time, we have a magazine, we'll be fine.

Ok, all caught up? Great! Let's get on with it!

First, some background. I'm a moody person. I always have been. maybe it's because my sign is Cancer- the most emotional of the zodiac. All I know is I've had my share or emotional ups and downs. I know what mood swings are like- or so I thought.

I have NEVER had mood swings like this before. I'm talkin' rubber room, straight jacket mood swings.

Would you care for an embarrasingly hilarious example? Of course you would!

It all started innocently enough (doesn't it always?). Frank and I were discussing potential characteristics Charlotte might be unfortunate enough to inherit- like my shark teeth (I had seven wisdom teeth. Yes SEVEN. Also, I needed braces- twice), or Frank's Magoo vision (seriously, the boy is thisclose to a white cane). Everything was just fine until Frank said that Charlotte might get my hairy arms (I admit, they're hairy. I'm Cuban- what do you expect?)

For some reason, as soon as his comment found its way into my ear, I BURST into tears. I mean, I was projectile vomiting tears out of my eyes. Frank just stood there, looking stunned. I said (through my sobs), "Well if you think I'm so hairy, maybe I should go live in a cave with a bear!" That's when the cukoo switch flipped. I began laughing like a maniac. I was projectile vomiting laughs out of my mouth. I alternated between laughing and crying for the next several minutes as Frank slowly backed away, looking for the exit.

It was at this point my dear sweet husband made his biggest mistake. As I was crying and laughing and apologizing for crying and laughing, he put his arm around me and said, "It's ok. You're just a little hormonal." I offered a mature, measured response. I screamed, "IT'S NOT THE HORMONES!!!!! BRRRRAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Then I ripped my face open to reveal an acid-spiting lizard demon.

Listen, I know it's the hormones. Obviously. But I don't need a non-preggo to tell it to me in a patronizing tone that you would use with a four-year-old. Of course, I probably could have handled that a little better, but hey- it was the hormones.

Those of you who have been pregnant know exactly what I'm talking about. Those of you who have not had this experience yet- it'll come. You can't stop it. Just try to look surprised, otherwise they'll know someone already clued you in.

Next time: Part 3- an in-depth analysis of the mental and cognitive changes that plague you during pregnancy. That is, if I can remember to write it.  

I've read my share of pregnancy books. I've talked to lots of moms about pregnancy. Yet there are still little nuggets o' wisdom that somehow come up and scare the hell out of you. I speak of the physical, emotional, and mental changes associated with being pregnant. these changes are "discussed" in one sentence of a pregnancy book if at all. Most often, you're left to discover them on your own.

It's time to pull the curtain back to reveal the Wizard of Preg. I will tell you the secrets I have discovered to prepare those of you who are yet to be preggo. First of all, don't listen to celebrities. They will gush on and on about how much they love being pregnant. Don't believe a word of it. Nobody LOVES being pregnant. Sure you love the outcome of pregnancy, namely, a mini-you that you spent 10 months incubating. But come on, you're gonna tell me with a straight face that you LOVED morning sickness, constant heartburn and peeing yourself a little when you sneeze? Yeah, I could see how that'd be fun on a bun.

Ok, let's start of by talking about physical changes. Yes, yes, we all know about stretch marks, blah blah blah. But did you know about the red dots? How about the belly line? I didn't think so. Gather 'round my friends and I will tell you a tale.

The first thing you may notice when you're knocked up is that every single freckle, mole or skin imperfection you have WILL get bigger and uglier. Remember that cute little freckle on your cheek? It's gone. Now people think you have a big tick sucking on your face. It's just as gross as it sounds.

Now that you're checking yourself for tick-freckles, you will start to notice the red dots. Yes, dots. Imagine someone took a red pen and poked you all over until you have these red dots all over your face, neck, chest, arms etc. You can't escape the dots.

To me, the tick-freckles and dots pale in comparison to: the belly line. This is a bizarre black line that starts just under your ribs and proceeds down to your hoo-ha area (sorry for the technical jargon). I haven't been able to figure out what the purpose of the line is. I mean, besides making you look like you dividied ownership of your belly in half, a la I Love Lucy or King Solomon.

Overall, your skin will look like a weird game of connect-the-dots where the person playing is missing the point. "Oh, I'm supposed to go from dot to dot? I just added a big, ugly vertical line instead. Is that cool?"

Of course, your pregnancy books won't tell you all of this. Other moms won't tell you about this. It's like a secret initiation rite where you have to discover each surprise on your own, forcing you to go to work and lament, "I have a belly line!" At which point, the other moms will nod to each other, chuckle softly and say, "Of course you do. We all got it." With your humiliation complete, you are one step closer to Mom Membership.

For the record, Frank says I look hotter than ever. I think it's a clever tactic picked up from his dad-book. Chapter Two: "Tell her how hot she looks so she'll be less likely to smother you with a pillow while you sleep as payback." Well-played, Frank. Well-played.

For you moms who have been through this before, I realize I have left out some rather important issues (i.e. leakage). I did this because I did not want to frighten the lambs too much on our first go-around. Plus, if I reveal all the secrets, I won't get to do the nod and chuckle when other newbies are freaking out.

Ok kids! Time to get in line for the emotional roller coaster! You must be this tall to ride the crazy train! All aboard!!

Tune in for part 2: The Midnight Train to Cukoo- woo woo!

Ok, ok, I get it. You want more pictures! Well, check out the photo album section of this ol' site and bask in the gloriousness of the pictures I have posted.

Yes, act now and you'll get:

-Pictures of me and my rapidly-growing belly

- 2-d sonogram image from last week's ultrasound!

- Conclusive photographic evidence that I am having a girl!

-PLUS!! Bonus 3-d image of little Charlotte herself! Not to be missed!

Act in the next 10 minutes and I'll double your order!!! No, not really, but I thought it would be fun to say.

Anyhoo, enjoy the pictures!! :)

On January 15th, I had my latest ultrasound. Mainly to make sure everything was ok with the baby, but also to see if we might find out the sex. Our Sonographer, Rhonda, was incredibly nice and very knowledgable. Se started off by giving us a grand tour of my uterus- it's what some real estate agents would call "cozy", meaning very small and cramped. Anyhoo, my tenant certainly looked cramped. The baby's feet were over it's head. It didn't look particularly comfortable to me, but whatever. We got to see the brain, the heart, all the major organs, the spine, the legs, count the toes and fingers (10 of each-phew). Overall, the baby is the picture of health.

I know what you're thinking, "Yeah, yeah, ok, healthy baby, we get it. So is it a boy or a girl?!?" Well, you'll just have to wait a sec, so neener neener. So Rhonda moved the probe around so we could get a better view of the "area" IF ya know what I mean, AND I think ya do. I asked, "So is it a hamburger or a turtle?"

Some background: Amanda gave me some very technical ultrasound-reading knowledge, you see. Essentially it was, "A girl's hoo-ha looks like a hamburger, a boy's peepee looks like a turtle." You see? Very technical, this medical stuff.

Back to our story. So, hamburger or turtle? Rhonda said, "Well, you tell me. What do you think?" I replied, "Well, it must be a girl, cuz there's nothing sticking out." She said, "You're right, that is a little girl." There was much jubilation and rejoicing in the room. We got some very nice pictures (some even in 3-d) and all was well.

Now for the bit of bad news: I have a tempermental scanner. Tuesday it was not feeling very cooperative and it would not work with me. I promise I will try again to upload some of the ultrasound pictures this afternoon. Hopefully, the scanner will have gotten the diva attitude out of it's system.

That just means you'll have to check back in periodically to see the new pictures!! :)