I don't think there are words to describe what I am feeling. I really thought things were ok. I heard and saw the heartbeat 12 hours before the baby grew wings. I can't understand what I did that is so horrible to have this happen? We wanted this baby so much. I know people say it isn't my fault and I did nothing wrong but I feel like I did. I feel like it was me. I don't think some people understand either. To say "well we know Tyler can have kids so it isn't him" made me feel like it was my fault. I am having moments of complete crying to feeling like everything is fine. I go from hope of trying again to fearful and how dare I think about trying again. I go from acceptance to I can't believe our baby is gone. I won't get a baby bump, or feel the baby move, or get the chance to hold him/her in August. I know I can try again. But, who is to say it will happen. Look at our cicumstances....I hate all of this right now. I am angry. I am heartbroken and more than anything I just want my husband here to hold me and tell me it is ok. I have friends, I have family and I even have the unexpected people there for me right now and as much as I appreciate their concerns, cares, good wishes and talks...they can't take the place of Tyler...or my Mom. I want her here more than anything too. Mommies know how to fix your pain no matter what. I also want my dog home now. I know it sounds weird but she can offer a comfort that nobody can. No words can be spoken from her, all she can do is lay there and cuddle in away that says "I love you mommy and it will be ok" and some how I feel better. I need that. I need my husband. I need him home. I need him to be here and not say anything but just hold me close. I still can't believe this is happening...happend and on Christmas...what kind of God lets this happen? What kind of cruel God takes something that I wanted more than anything.
2007-12-24 (6 weeks)
Morning sickness
Morning sickness sucks. It isn't horrible morning sickness, I am just super sick to my tummy, kind of like the start of the flu. Nothing that I can't handle or that peppermint won't take care of. Funny because I HATE peppermint but candy canes work so well at taming my tummy. Which reminds me that I need to go by a bag of the round kind of peppermints to carry with me at all times. Especially for my next airplane ride...oh where to go? Oh yeah Korea!!! Ok, it is not a def yet but I am considering going sometime in March or April to see Tyler again. This time for just two weeks, maybe just a week, maybe 10 days. I would stay a month if I could but...I can't.
Overall my moods have gone from crying to aggitation to being just happy to being a little sad...then repeat cycle. Mostly I am happy, sleep all the time too...but happy. Anyway....I need to eat...my little fuzzy (OMG THERE IS SUCH A FUNNY STORY WITH THIS TOO NOW...LOL, BUT I CAN'T SAY IT)...is hungy
2007-12-20 (6 weeks)
Confusing? Pregnancy at best can be confusing! But through Ivillage.com I found more clear information. The Doc called today and guessed I was between 3-4 weeks. I thought how odd and worried a minute. In reality my baby is 4 weeks old in gestation but they consider me 6w0d pregnant. I will get more information tomorrow after my initial prenatal check. Yesterday (the 19th) was rough. Emotional and sick to my stomach all day. I slept for a long time this afternoon. I cannot wait till my appointment in the morning. Ok, off to sleep some more!
