That's a strange thing to write i know.  And it's not in a "my baby's better than yours" kind of way.  But that's the exact thought that spoke in my mind last night as i laid down for bed.  My baby is perfect.  Despite being spit up on that day causing my hair to smell like vomit, having to clean a towel that was pooped on three times AS i was trying to change a diaper, almost crying because of a serious strained muscle in my back, I am so in love with my baby it's sick.  But i'm sure all other moms understand this love.  It is unexplainable.

Right now he's taking a nap on our bed with the covers pulled up to his chest, it's so cute.  I am finally figuring out this child of mine at almost seven weeks.  I now know the difference between whether he's hungry or tired, gassy or just plain bored.  How frustrating is was to not know what he wanted before.  Breastfeeding stopped being uncomfortable a while ago.  It DOES make you sore even if you are doing it right, i don't care what the lactation consultants say!

Joey loves to smile, and a few times a day we like to have "conversations" as he ohs and oohs at me.  I ask him all sorts of questions and it looks so much as if he is trying with all his might to respond back to me.  I don't think he's going to be a shy one like i was as a kid.  I find it hard to not kiss him a million times a day.  I can't believe i sound like all those "other" moms.  I had read their journals while i was pregnant and yeah, i thought it was sweet that they loved their babies so much, but come on right, enough is enough!  But here i am going on and on about the new love in my life.  Speaking of, he's waking up. Gotta go for now.

In two days he will be six weeks old.  I am excited and sad at the same time.  My Joey will never be this small again, he looks older to me at the end of each day and I am reminded to cherish this time with him.  The birth of my baby boy already seems so long ago but is an experience that will be impossible to ever forget.  So here’s how it went:

Saturday night, four days after my due date, joe and I fell asleep sometime after 10pm.  I woke up about an hour later with some mild back pain that would come and go every few minutes and I wondered if I might be starting labor.  I got up to go to the bathroom at 11:30 and as soon as I was out of bed, my water broke.  I went into the bathroom and more fluid came out as I sat on the toilet, and I was trying to figure out what to do next.  I went into our bedroom and absentmindedly started rifling through our dresser, looking for a new pair of underwear I guess, when joe asked me what I was doing. I told him, “You know when you said ‘I don’t think your water is going to break during your labor?’.  “Well, you were wrong”.  That got him out of bed right away and he went about his business going through our checklist of things to bring to the hospital and loading up the car.  I wanted to labor at home for as long as possible which ended up being almost two hours.  I got in the shower for a little while as the contractions quickly intensified, I’m not even sure how long I hung out in there.  When I wasn’t able to go from one room to another without having a contraction, I knew that we had to get to the hospital.  Joe had called my mom while I was in the shower to let her know that we would be on our way soon.  The car ride was interesting since I wasn’t able to sit because of how powerful the contractions were, I ended up facing backwards on my knees clutching the back of the seat.  I’m glad it was in the middle of the night, I must have been a sight to see for other drivers.

We got to the hospital and parked the car in front of the entrance figuring joe could come back and move it later.  Joe brought a wheelchair out to me but sitting was still impossible so I walked in, making it just to the elevators before having a contraction.  We got to the third floor and just outside when another one started and I had to hunch over a chair as the receptionist stared at us.  Joe gave them our names and they pointed us to the doors to the maternity ward, where a nurse then walked me into a room and told me to change into the gown on the bed and someone would be in in a few minutes.  Joe was outside doing paperwork I think, and that was the first time I was scared.  I didn’t like him not being with me.  I remember thinking what a joke it was for them to think I could put on that gown at that point, I could barely get my clothes on at home, and by now the contractions were coming one on top of the other.  I didn’t know how far along I was, but I knew for sure that I didn’t need to be wasting my time in the triage room.  I needed a birthing suite!  Joe came in and helped me with the gown, then I had the nurse help me to the bathroom where I was left alone and I soon realized that I couldn’t move off the toilet without help so I pulled the emergency help cord.  Joe told me later that he saw the light flashing and had to wave down a nurse.  I still had to walk back to the bed to wait and be checked after that.  Having to lie down was hell. When the nurse did check me she seemed to doubt her own estimate because I was already all the way dilated!  Of course then they sent me to a birthing room, and everyone thought that it wouldn’t be long at all before Joey would enter the world.  We were so wrong.

My mom was there very soon after we were in the birthing suite.  We met the doctor on call and I immediately wasn’t very comfortable with her.  She had no personality whatsoever and didn’t even seem very interested in us at all.  The next five or so hours went by very fast for me as I tried to push joey out.  I tried every position possible but he was still not wanting to come out.  The doctor came in some time after 7am and suggested getting an epidural so my body would relax and might help the baby come down a little more.  She also kept saying that we might have to do a C-section if nothing changed in an hour.  She left so we could discuss it and I decided that it might be a good idea since all I felt like I was doing was getting through the contractions instead of really pushing effectively.  They told me I was doing it right but after over five hours of it I was getting to the point of exhaustion. We told the doctor and she said we would try pushing with the epidural for about an hour, and then blah blah blah, c-section, blah, blah, blah, c-section, blah, c-section.  That’s seriously how it sounded to me.  I was perfectly willing to keep going as long as it would take and my baby was doing awesome.  I remember feeling a strong dislike toward her, it seemed to me as if she actually wanted me to have a c-section.  I know that was probably an unfair thought of me to have, but at the moment, I just wanted her to say “You can do it, you can push this baby out and I’ll help you”.  THANK GOD at 8:00 in the morning, about 15 minutes after I got the epidural, a shift changed happened and a new doctor came on call.  She was wonderful!  Right away she said that we’d give it another couple hours as long as baby was doing great.  The next three hours were spent trying to push Joey out, and the nurse and doctor that worked with us were such good cheerleaders.  The doctor was much more direct about telling me where and how to push and I really felt like she wanted me to get the baby out with having to operate.  A little after 11:00 in the morning it was getting near the end, and that’s when things get a little fuzzy for me.  It really was like an out of body experience, I can’t explain it accurately.  I think for a while they had been able to see his head slowly trying to make its way out, and that was encouragement and motivation to me.  But then something felt very wrong at the end.  And there was.  I didn’t know it at the time but after his head came out, the rest of his body didn’t.  Usually that’s the easy part but I guess his shoulder was stuck.  Everyone was yelling at me to push and I was trying so hard but felt like I was doing nothing.  They quickly told me to flip over on my hands and knees and continued to tell me to push.  I could hear my mom crying.  Joe was right next to me crying and telling me to push.  I thought at first the tears were because he was happy but then right away realized that it was fear and desperation in his voice.  I of course couldn’t see anything that was going on, but could hear a lot of people around me and felt the worst pain I’d ever felt in my life.  The epidural for sure had worn off by then; it seemed as if my body was being ripped apart.  I guess it kinda was.  The doctor had to reach in and dislodge his shoulder to pull him out.  And then it was over.

They didn’t want me to move yet because the bed was such a mess.  When I turned around and looked, I was overwhelmed by the people in the room and all the blood that was everywhere.  Blood wasn’t the only thing on the bed as I managed to poop out quite a bit through the whole process.  Joe was at the warming bed with the baby while they checked him out as my mom came to me and asked if I was okay.  I was crying and told her that I just wanted to see him.  It felt like it took forever before I was able to see his face.  I was so relieved to finally hold him and see how perfect he was.

I ended up having some pretty bad tears and also a cut from the doctor.  I had to get stitches inside and out, and I’m hoping that everything will be completely healed by this Sunday.

 I’ve been trying to write about this experience ever since joey was born, but I’ve had such a hard time getting it completed.  A realized about half way through that it’s because this isn’t an experience that I liked re-living.  It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done but also the most rewarding.  I am amazed and so grateful for God’s control over the whole situation.  I’ve gone over it again and again in my head wondering if it would have turned out differently if there had been a different doctor earlier, if I had accepted the doctor’s offer to use the vacuum suction(which they can only make two attempts with before being required to do a C-section), if I had gotten an epidural right away, etc. etc.  All kinds of factors played into the birth of joey, but the bottom line is that it went perfectly.  All I asked of God is that my baby would be safe and healthy and for Him to give me strength to finish the task.  I know that God carried me through the whole ordeal and that His presence is what kept me so calm the entire time.

I also couldn’t have made it without my husband and my mother’s support.  I really think they had it worse off than me.  I would much rather go through what I did than have to watch someone I love do it, but they were both so brave.  I remember feeling bad for Joe while everything was happening because of all the hard physical support he was giving.  He truly came through for me and I love him so much for it.  And my mom, not only was she a huge help in the delivery room, but she also managed to clean our whole house while we were in the hospital.  How nice it was to come home to that!

Joseph Anthony Ewer

Born June 11, 2006

at 11:16 am

8 lbs. 6 oz.

21 3/4 inches

We have all these baby things and yet no baby.  And absolutely no signs of labor whatsoever.  My poor husband has to have the same conversation with every single customer that comes in for 10 hours straight.  "Have you had the baby yet?"  "No not yet."  Over and over.  I think it's draining for him.  Before he was so excited to have the baby come into our lives because he couldn't wait to meet him, now i think he just wants it over with to shut people up.  I hate to say it but i'm thankful that it's him not me that has to deal with it.  I told my mom today that i think i'm becoming more and more anti-social as each day i become more and more pregnant.

Speaking of my mom, she had to do a really tough thing today.  My brother's graduation ceremony in California is tomorrow and she originally had planned on flying down there to be there for the special event.  My brother has worked really hard for many years to accomplish this so it's a pretty big deal.  We were wanting to go too until we became pregnant.  But with the baby being three days past the due date already and because her return flight wasn't scheduled to bring her home until Monday night, she decided to not fly out this morning to California.  She wouldn't be able to forgive herself if she missed the birth of her first grandchild, but it's still incredibly hard on her to not be there for Eric's graduation.  The good thing though is that our step-dad Randy stepped up to the plate to represent the folks and flew out this morning for a weekend of California fun and sun.  So i know you feel bad, Mom, but thanks for caring so much about both your kids that it hurts your heart no matter what choice you make.  Guess that's something i have to look forward to.  Mommy guilt, warranted or not.

Maybe next time i write the baby will be here?