 Learning to ask "what" and not "Why"
Once upon a time I was not the person I am today. Oh I believed in God. I always have.There were many nights as a child I spent praying. Praying for fear to be taken away. Praying for the yelling to stop. Praying to have the courage to leave my bedroom and use the bathroom. The kind of prayers kids have when they have an interesting childhood.
Time goes by and prayers change. For some though prayer remains a time of need event. I was once upon a time there as well. It was the God I am in a bind can you help me out AGAIN? prayers. Or God I am scared WHY are you doing this to ME? prayer....we all have been there and all of us still go there and if you say otherwise I will not call you a liar but I will know you are one.
I have only recently discovered that daily prayer can be life changing. Even if it is " Good morning Father, Thank you for this day!".....so simple right?!??! But to God it must mean everything to hear a thanks and no just a "Hey dad can you save my butt again?!?!?"
Someone close to me who offers excellent Godly counsel shared some personal struggles at prayer meeting a few weeks back. During what she was saying she made a statement that stuck with me and I will probably be forever grateful to her for that. She said that she was "trying to pray What am I supposed to learn God and NOT Why is this happening to me or why now?"
So with that being said, I am entering the phase of "What and not Why".This past week or two has been interesting. It has actually been about a month if I am going to be honest. It all started with the volvo dying. Since then finances have been nuts. Some by our doing admittedly. But it really has been just one thing after another. First it was just the wiring harness and then it was that AND the distributor and then that PLUS the timing belt. Well my poor husband is out trying to fix the timing belt after fixing the first two things( did I mention it costs money we did NOT have to get these parts?) and as he is working a bolt loose his hand slips because the wrench breaks in half and he busts the radiator in half. Ever felt like you must be WAY outside of God's will for your life? Yeah...that was kind of how he was feeling...and I wasn't far behind. Then...after we've been praying about our finances and that we'd be smart and use discernment we come home to find out we have 5 weeks to find another place to live with a NEW BABY because our land lady is not renewing the lease in November. Ok...this we can handle cause we are paying too much so we'll have a chance to save. BUT, where are we going to get the money for deposits and transfering utilities and on and on....if we're struggling now...and it's not like moving is free....just yea. So that brings us to yesterday and Kollin's cardiologist check up.....all I am going to do here is copy and paste the info I had to send his teacher...
He has more blockage and his blood pressure was 150/100 sitting. He is already on more atenolol then most adults take so we go back in Nov. 6th for a stress test and adjust medicine. He knows to tell you if he has chest pain or dizziness or sudden severe headache w/ weakness. Kollin is a trooper and has been dealing with this since 4. Not easy to face your own mortality daily as a child but he handles it well. He knows every day is a gift as do we. Sometimes we just wish he understood the seriousness of it better but I think yesterday was a real eye opener for him. You can find out more about his disease here
www.4hcm.org
The increase in blockage has created a tear in a valve. It is like bending a hose repeatedly in the same spot. His blood flow out of his left ventricle does not function as it should. Like pinching a hose off over and over. It causes poor circulation to the limbs...mainly legs for now. It is only treatable...not curable and most eventually reach a point where they need at least a difibulator if not a transplant BUT they have to be sick enough to need and healthy enough to survive. The increase in blockage is bad now because it is guaranteed to get worse with the pubescent growth spurts.
His doctor just lost a 17 year old patient who experienced the same increases we are seeing in Kollin. The inability to work out and exercise creates the issue of whether or not they can survive the stress of surgery. Diet will play a huge factor the rest of his life.
The 17 year old was too heavy because he could not exercise so they had to remove him from the transplant list because they could not guarantee survival during surgery. So that is where we are. We will know more in November. For now we are just grateful for each day. Presently Kollin's big thing is to be baptized while his grandparents are here in October. We're pretty excited about that.
So that was yesterday. What does this have to do with baby journal right? Because Gracie will read this. She will see these trials and struggles and she will know how precious life is and she will hopefully learn to say " Ok God what would you have me learn?" As opposed to " Why me?" As hard as it was that was my prayer last night. " I am not sure what is going on Father but I know you are trying to teach us something. Just please show us what it is. What it is we need to learn or do"....
Yes I cried and was angry and upset but all of those things are already felt by God when He walked as Jesus. It is normal for us to fear, and be angry and feel alone. Jesus experienced ALL of that. Even He asked God "why have you forsaken me?" Sometimes we have to go through trials to feel the closeness of God. Sometimes we have to know how to pray to feel Him near us. Sometimes we grow so quickly in our walk that we get into a comfortable zone and God needs to get closer so things happen and He does. Ultimately He is glorified. It is not always trials. I have seen God answer numerous prayers for blessings. I just want to make sure Gracie learns both sides of things. He never promised it'd be easy. And that is what is happening here.
After facing all of that and then to find our gas siphoned out of our cars when I need to get kids to school AND have a WIC appt. we are still hearing prayers answered. Yesterday some info we've been waitin gon came in so I can send in some forms to the school that should help us financially. We've also been given a couple of options that we are praying about as far as houses go. One would require ALOT of sacrifice BUT it could help us tremendously. We are just praying for doors to be thrown open or slammed shut so that there is no room for doubt or error. And no calculating with God at the dead center of the decisions we are making.
Sometimes we have to sacrifice to move ahead. And God has proven through these trials and through the tears yet again that He is good ALL THE TIME! Even when it hurts. So I am grateful for the valleys because it makes the mountain tops that much sweeter ( thanks for that again Crytal). I am grateful for awesome friends and family. I am grateful for a God that loves me enough to carry me through when I am not deserving. Gracie I hope you learn from this one baby. That God loves you and will hold you when no one else can. Love you baby girl!
This IS what it means to be held.
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. and yeah...if circulation is worse then normal it hurts him to walk...or stand....but the theme of this song applies to him. His spirit is unshakable. I know adults who live their whole lives trying to reach this level of spirituality. I wish you guys could hear him pray. I can't express it...but this song ...we all feel that Kollin has a calling that we're not sure of yet. It may simply be to touch someone's life with his courage to face these issues with his heart and to not lose site of God. We're not sure...we don't claim to know God's plan nor do we know his will for Kollin.