Hi,

A couple of weeks ago, when i got my 13 week ultrasound pictures, they did a blood test to check for down syndrome (one that has to be done within a small timeframe near the 13th mark).  That blood test came back normal.  Then i had my standard monthly check-up with my OBGYN doctors.   I was sent for routine blood work which checks the Alpha Protein and HCG levels in my blood.  This lets the doctors know how the baby is developing and is a test that has been done on pregnant women for years (the first blood test i mentioned is a newer one).  This test came back in a way that had my Dr. call me and refer me to a parentologist to do a Level 2 ultrasound, which means a 45 minute ultrasound and multiple checks for all kinds of stuff on the screen.  He said i can bring a VHS tape and we can record it, which i will do.  My numbers came back saying that 1 in 124 women with my age and due date and blood work have a baby with down syndrome...and 1 and 123 with all the same dont.  Both doctors feel that there is nothing to worry about, but neither likes to take chances.  If the parentologist sees something wrong, he will suggest that we do a amniocentisis test, which is where he will have to stick a needle in my stomach and withdraw amniotoc fluid from the sac to test further for down syndrome, except this procedure carries the risk of a possible miscarriage.  Let's just pray everything is fine.  I go this friday at 2:30 p.m. for this ultrasound and Kevin has a half day so he will be coming with me, thank god.  I think everything will be fine, i just dont want to go alone on this one in case i am drastically wrong. But i feel like things are ok, so i am not worried.

We go on the 31st to learn the sex of the baby unless he is able to see that this Friday then maybe we will know sooner.  We are just asking for you to say a prayer that everything goes well.  Thanks for reading and i will post again soon.

Love, Lisa and Kevin and baby Curtis

Should Love take any shape and form within a human soul, 

Be it Fire, one that never quiets, ever fades, nor grows old.

Let it live in its deepest reds and strongest golden glows, 

Alive in the senses, out in the world, in every spoken word. 

Give it birth in bone and flesh, and protect it in the heart, 

Aflame, and always present of its Divine Will and Spark, 

And let it burn in the center core, siphoned through the eyes 

As a hearth and home for another soul to always recognize.

Dated: 5/04

Written By: Lisa Curtis

So it's great that i am having all this energy now, but I thought I would start to sleep better too.  So much for having expectations!  And I guess eating at Chili's for dinner last night and indulging has it's price, too.  It's called "indigestion".  BUT...I am delighted to say that although i feel like i could wretch right now, it isn't happening.  (UPDATE:  ok, so by the time i finished writing this, I actually did throw up...but i feel better now so it's all good).  

Also, I have sad news that my Uncle Matt has a rare cancer in his lower abdomen and it is wrapped around a pelvic nerve, which is making it inoperable. He will be transferred to a NY hospital very soon when a room opens and undergo some radical chemo therapy.  I ask that anyone who reads this journal entry - family, friend or stranger to please say a prayer for his recovery and/or comfort in his challenging moments ahead.  And thank you in advance.

His being sick makes me think about alot of things.  My father for one, who just passed in May of 2007, my mother and of the baby growing in my belly.  Now I am becoming the parent and it just makes me realize how much I really never understood what my mother and father went through not only to bring me into this world, but to try and keep me safe from all the dangers lurking about.  We all tend to get so mad and serious about being independant, that a parent's effort to protect us becomes our most unloved memories of them at times. 

I know i will make mistakes.  I know that.  Kevin knows it too.  And I hope that i have heard, learned and seen enough that I take different approaches on how to handle tough situations should they arise (and I am sure they will).  But i can't shake the feeling that for all my best efforts my child will someday be bitching about me to their friends, or feeling embarrassed by me or even resenting me at times for my flaws.  I know this child is going to be more intuitive than me and smarter than me and basically more aware so although i feel we are good match for one another and i can be supportive in new ways, I still feel that I am going to be so humbled and ignorant to the intelligence this child is going to possess.  I wonder if I have taken too much for granted with my own health and if i will be around to watch that child grow old, or to appreciate him or her taking care of me when i am older and ill, like my cousin Marc is doing for my Uncle now.  I wonder if i will even make it through the labor.  I wonder if my days of heavy partying and tattooes are effecting the baby's development and if i haven't already let him or her down in some ways that she/he will resent me for later.  I think about the tough time i gave my parents about who i was and how i was raised and it brings me to tears because if I only knew how much they truly loved me and wanted for me and did for me, I would have been more appreciative.  If i had only known then what i am experiencing now as I take on that role myself, I might have been knelt down in front of them and cried and said thank you...for everything.  I may have actually honored them instead.  I would have called my mother to tell her i was ok so she didnt worry about my safety.  I might have said thank you to my father for working three jobs instead of bitching that he was never around.  I might have told them more often that i "i love you", instead of being angry and not saying anything at all.  I might have thought twice about hurting their feelings...had I only known what this process (especially for my mother) was like.  I just didn't know.  I didin't know until i became pregnant what she had to go through and the fear that overwhelms you as a mother when you think, "My god, I am going to spend 9 months going through this incredibly strange and at times painful pregnancy and then an even more risky process called birth, and then....THEN I am repsonsible for your health for years to come.  What if something happens to you?  What if you die before me?  What if i die before you?  Who will take care of you?  What would I leave you with?  The decisions I have made and am making now, are they selfish or with you in mind?  Am i doing the right thing?"  Constant questions of doubt and insecurity and anxiety flank my mind on a daily basis.  Somehow life just got more serious and contemplative and less about me and more about what is best for the baby like - is this cheesesteak and nachoes I am eating a good choice for the baby?  Why didn't i order the salad?  Now i wish i could throw up - things like this become a constant, daily worry and they seem so small but whne you add all the little worries up, it seems like you'll never be at peace with any decision you make because you just don't know how it's ever going to turn out at any given moment.  

Will i be a good parent?  WIll i get wrong?  Will i make mistakes?  Will I be able to move on and let go, or will I harbor and hold and fester and suffer over things?  What will i be teaching this little one by my actions, inactions, abilities and flaws?  Will the child be forgiving with me or will I undergo the fires of its judgement as well? 

Some people would say, "Lisa...you think too much," and perhaps it's true and i worry about things way ahead of time or think them over in advance, and I won't truly know what i will do until the moment arrives, but perhaps thinking it over and writing it down, will allow others to see something about themselves, about their parents...maybe even change the way you view and old memory, even if it's just for a moment.  Then I say it's not that i think too much, it's that I am a writer and that is what we do.  Contemplate, write it down and let it go with the hopes that perhaps you've inspired someone with the insight you came back with. 

If you are reading this, I hope that for the sake of love and out of true forgiveness that you let one thing go you were holding onto about your mom or dad and you forgive yourself for being upset with them, too.  In the end, love is the only thing that matters.  As my Uncle is showing me, when you go through your most painful moments and you may be at your end, it isn't money or power or things that you want.  It's just to know that you loved deeply and were deeply loved. 

Love, Lisa

"It's the heart that really matters, in the end" ~ Rob Thomas, "Little Wonders".