It’s been a while since I’ve written here, partly because this month has been exceptionally hard to get through and the other part was because I wasn’t sure what I should or shouldn’t say. Although I am not sure if anyone even reads these entries, I now take deep solace in being able to have a place where I can just be open about how I am feeling and share what this experience is truly like for me, without the sense that I’m shoving it down people’s throats.  Normally, I think I share way too much of myself, or at least that is what I am told.  I’m told that people don’t really want to be privy to such personal things and that some things should be kept private or are best left unsaid. But, time after time, I open up and end up relearning that lesson again and again.  So at least this way, if someone decides to read my journal post, they are choosing to read it at their own risk.  Heh…I just had a funny thought.  Maybe my posts should come with a warning label:  “Viewer Discretion Advised” or “This journal entry may cause drowsiness, depression, anxiousness and an upset stomach.  Do not read while intoxicated. Alcohol may increase these effects.” 

It’s gunna be a longgggggggggggg journal entry tonight.

“How’s the pregnancy going?”

“You must be so excited?” 

“Are you still throwing up?” 

"How’s that work-at-home job going?” 

“Do you guys intend on still claiming bankruptcy?” 

“What’s wrong with you?”

“I feel sorry for your baby.”

“You and Kevin were both in the ER…again???”

I could right a book with those questions alone. I actually thought about writing book and I even have the chapters written out with one for Kevin to write.  I planned on calling it “The Hyperemesis Heartbreak” because when I developed this…whatever you want to call it, “pregnancy specific illness”, it became the turning point in my experience that made what I expected to be the most incredible time of my life, turn into what feels more like a bad dream that never ends and at times has felt like it’s broken my spirit. 

“How’s the pregnancy going” and “You must be so excited” are the hardest ones for me to respond to especially coming from strangers or people I only see occasionally.  Most of the time, when I answer I tell a mild, short version of the truth…”It’s been a hard pregnancy the whole way through.” or “I can’t wait until it’s over.”  I usually get a laugh and a smile with that last one and a “I know what you mean” look, but they don’t know what it’s really like...for me. I try to keep back the tears that want to flood forth and I usually do a pretty good job…until I’m in the car again.  And I think to myself, if they only knew what I was feeling, had bad it gets.  No I’m not excited.  I love the baby.  I love the idea of being a parent and a mother, but I am scared of what is happening to my mind, to my body, to my life.  No, I don’t throw up anymore, because I take my Zofran religiously at 7:00 p.m. every night, but now instead of throwing up, which was no picnic and something I am more than happy to NOT be going through, I am left with a new set of symptoms that have had my nose stuck in every book we own looking for answers, as well as glued to the computer until 12:30 a.m. because I can’t sleep and need to know why I can’t function like a normal human being…a normal pregnant woman.   I am even seriously considering getting my tubes tied the day of the delivery, because I don’t want to go through this again.   

I started reading a book Kevin had bought back in February of this year and didn’t think anything of until now. It’s called “Change Your Brain, Change Your Life”, by Daniel Amen, M.D. and it talks about the brain as an organ, how by way of a SPECT scan, he can see different parts of the brain that are overactive, underactive, toxic and so forth.  It is by far the most helpful book I’ve read in my life, but not because it has some correlation to my pregnancy issues of depression, ADD, PTSD, anxiety and obsessive compulsive behavior I am experiencing and have been for months now. But because this man has revealed something much deeper in me than I knew existed, shattering my illusions and confusions about my ENTIRE life’s experience all together.  The pregnancy didn’t bring those issues up out of nowhere.  It just exaggerated things I was already doing and experiencing for YEARS and never fully understood why.  Depression, ADD and anxiety run in our family and now that I know more about OCD, I understand why when I was little I used to do certain things and jump from one thing to obsess over another, thinking all the while that it’s normal.  All the signs are there from the frequent job hopping, being late, disorganized, being a hypochondriac (because I knew something was wrong but didn’t know where to look), the anxiety and panic attacks I have had, the severe and mild depression, deep sadness and insomnia, all the way to my drug use, self mutilation, tattoos, piercings, drinking, rough life style and even holistic and spiritual endeavors.  I was just trading one obsession for another or trying to cope the best way I knew how with my pain.  I never understood why I did any of it although I had my theories (yet some of the spiritual things I’ve encountered I still can’t explain away even with a “misfiring brain”).  But this man, this book…it basically says hey…your brain is doing this when this is happening.  Fix your brain…fix your life.  For once in my life my behavior, my choices are no longer a mystery to me.  And the daunting, dark cloud of “medication” seems to give me hope now, when I am feeling that there is no relief.  All I want is some peace, to be content, to feel normal.  I’ve gone my whole life feeling different and strange and having people tell me that in well-meaning and sometimes hurtful ways.  OCD, ADD, depression, anxiety…if I took all the labels and what they mean away, and looked at this from a malfunctioning brain point of view, I can honestly say that these things are a curse and are ruining my life, but that their exaggerated presence during my pregnancy has been somewhat of a blessing.  You can’t heal when you don’t know where the wound is and now that I know, I can start to fight back.         

Ah, yes…the bankruptcy.  We keep going back and forth as to whether that is something we should do or not, now or later, before or after Sammie is born.  We are waiting to see what happens to me after the delivery.  If I get post partum depression, if I can work, if the baby is ok, if I am ok (mentally as well as physically)…if Kevin gets the community college job he is applying for, or if he stays at the middle school for another year.  Is this pregnancy anything like I thought it would be…HELL NO!  I never saw this coming.  I used to blame it on the hyperemesis, as if that was why I couldn’t work or contribute.  But I’m starting to see that no matter what I was doomed to fail, because I’ve been on the up and down roller coaster ever since I was a child.  It’s just now that I’m seeing the reason and now that I have a better formed plan as to how to deal with it.. 

“What’s wrong with you?”  I got this particular question asked of me by a family member, when I sent my burial wishes to my family and friends a few weeks ago via e-mail.  At the time, all I knew was that I was depressed, anxious and terrified and felt I had to make my wishes known (perhaps a little bit of OCD, but I’m not asking for sympathy for it, just for people to have a new understanding of why and an answer to “What’s wrong with you?”).  I felt that I didn’t understand what was happening to me and what was happening was way worse than I’ve felt in a long, long time.  I felt deep inside like I was losing a battle with life and it was getting too hard to keep finding the courage and strength to want to stay here.  Often there are days when I feel like death is a better answer and I used to pray for an opportunity to leave my body naturally, like on the delivery table.  Though that may be shocking, it is my truth and I will not ignore the gravity and weight of the depression I feel, lest I ignore it and die from it surely, then.  I know that talking about it takes courage and no matter what anyone thinks about me saying it out loud, no matter how crushing my thoughts are to someone else’s idea of who I am is, I know that it’s a sign that I am a willing participant in my own healing.  Though I feel fallen to the ground by all of this, I know that reaching my hand out is the first step to getting back on my feet.  I’m not going down if that is what is meant for me, without one hell of a fight first. 

“I feel sorry for your baby.”  This was another blow to my ego from the same family member reacting to my burial wishes e-mail.  It hurt and it hurt because no one wants to hear that, and worse no one wants to hear it from family, but even worse than that…was the fact that I myself, felt sorry deep down inside for Samantha, too. It was something I was grappling with for months.  What kind of mother can’t hold down a job?  How can I take care of her, when I can barely take care of myself?  What if I lose it and she sees me the way I saw my father when he was mentally at his worst?  The comment cut down deep into my fears, into the marrow of my bone.  But it was also a catalyst, a blessing for me, because without it, I would not have dove deeper into my pain.  I would not have started to read Dr. Amen’s book, or found his website or spoken to someone about getting a SPECT scan done on my brain once Sammie is born, so I can see what my specific brain issues are.  I would have continued to fumble in the dark.  I see the paradox of saying too much is a curse and yet a blessing in disguise.  Perhaps, now there will be a better chance for Sammie to have a healthy mother, where there wasn’t one before.  So to you, the unnamed…thank you for shaking my core, for showing me my face in the mirror.   Perhaps next time, I will see the truth on my own, without needing to be shown it. 

As for Kevin, he had off this week for spring break…Monday to Friday.  On Wednesday he had to go to work for a few hours because he is the track coach and they were scheduled for a practice that day.  Kevin slipped on the gravel and went down hands first.  Scraped his left palm really bad, right hand a little and his right knee pretty good.  He cleaned it up and came home later that day.  Thursday we decided to go to Grand Canyon Caverns and had a really great time.  Last time I tried to go and was getting dressed, I had an anxiety attack at the thought of going 21 feet underground so this time we agreed that I would stay above ground and he would go for the 45 minute tour.  It was a good arrangement.  All went well and we went home.  Well, later Thursday night, Kevin “happened” to look down at his left hand where he scraped himself pretty bad when he noticed a red line leading from the scrape, up his arm.  Not only was it passed his wrist, but the line was passed his elbow.  We called the nurses line who said go to the ER, you have blood poisoning…so off we went.  45 minutes to Kingman regional hospital, an hour before he is seen by a doctor and when he is finally seen, it’s the doctor who diagnosed me with Hyperemesis, Kevin with an appendix that needed to come out and now he is standing there saying, “Ohhh that’s not good.  That’s not good at all.”  By this time, the red line was half way up Kevin’s bicep and my heart was in my mouth.  The doctor ordered a Tetanus shot in Kevin’s right arm, and heavy duty antibiotics in a shot form, to be administered, one in each ass cheek.  Needless to say, Kevin was not happy and the shots stung and burned him.  I almost threw up at the sound of him moaning in pain.  I was already feeling sick to my stomach at the thought that if he had not “happened” to look down at his arm, he may just not have “happened” to wake up the next morning and the thought was more than I could bare.  I’ve spent the last few days trying to stop obsessing over what the hell I would do if I woke up the next morning and he didn’t.  What would I do?  How would life look?  I would be raising this baby without him.  I would want to die, too.  He is doing better now and there is no red line at all, but it scared the both of us pretty good. There are only a small hand full of people who knew about this as it was happening because it’s almost surreal how much crap is always going on. 

So this brings me back to the beginning.  Back to the reason why I am so grateful for this online journal.  Because I can tell it like it is.  When people say they wish I was having a better pregnancy or they question why I am so anxious, depressed or distant, I hope that in some way my entries explain why and why this is not a good moment in time for me, why I am so stressed out and why I cannot just relax and enjoy the ride.  There are so many things crashing into each other at times, that all I can do is cry and that’s just the truth.  I just can’t pretend this isn’t what’s happening, or that I don’t feel horrible at times, and at least here, I can let go and be honest. 

So for any of you were that are on this journey with Kevin and I, and were expecting to read entries that are upbeat and joy-filled, I’m sorry to disappoint you.  Every moment we try to make a happy one, has some downer hidden inside of it.  Including the newest belly picture in my photo journal album with me in the pink skirt and flowered top.  We had a great time at dinner (went to the Outback which was nestled inside the casino on the Laughlin, Nevada side of the Colorado River) and then the next day and night I was so anxious, overexcited and overstimulated (by the food, smells, sounds, people and activity) that Kevin actually blind folded me to cut down on the visual stimulus to my brain so I could sleep…AND IT ACTUALLY WORKED!  I guess if everything didn’t feel like a struggle, it would be reflected in my words, but right now this my truth whether I want it to be or not..

I’ve tired myself out enough to be able to go to sleep, so I’m able to end this entry now (not to mention it’s almost 2:00 a.m.).

I will say this…all the tests so far say Sammie is physically healthy…and I get to lie down next to the man I love, despite my fears of what could have been.  So for those two blessings I am truly grateful.  And for the friends and family that are doing their best to be supportive in many different ways from so far away, I pray for peace for all of us.

Who knows when I’ll write again, but until then goodnight.

Lisa  

Hi,
 
I just wanted to take a minute to talk to you all about what is going and may happen in the future once Sammie is born.  Because I have HG (which I was diagnosed with by doctors in the ER back in Nov 2007, when I had to have I.V. treatment for dehydration from vomiting so badly), I am now an even higher risk for postpartum depresion (PPD).  Because pyschiatric disorders run in (our) (my) family and also because I am having anxiety attacks and PPD symptoms already during pregnancy, I am an even higher risk.  Here is a link about that if you want to understand more about HG and it's effects on postpartum:  http://www.hyperemesis.org/family/postpartum-recovery/index.php or what you can do to help as a family member:  http://www.hyperemesis.org/family/. 
 
Part of what I am learning from my therapist, the site and the book I am reading written an M.D. and a Ph.D, ("Conquering Postpartum Depression- A proven plan for recovery"), is that it is good to reach out, be proactive, and create a support network with family and friends, as well as doctors, in the event that PPD develops.  So if nothing else if you could just read over the information in the links, so that if something does happen, you understand the situation better or could maybe give Kevin the support he might need (and not ask for), it would mean alot.  It's very helpful to know that the people around us can understand the situation and become educated.  And not just for us, but for any woman you encounter who has HG or develops postpartum.  It sucks.  It's hard, but it's extremely helpful when the people closest to you understand what is going on.  It alleviates unintentional, added stress at a time when Kevin and I already feel completely drained and I feel like I've lost control over my own body and life.  It makes it easier on me, instead of me being the one who tries to educate each person who asks about this, or is confused or doesnt understand what is going on.  
 
I am scared about the future.  We are both scared, but take great comfort in having such wonderful people in our lives.  We know you are all in one way or another watching us on our journey and are excited about the baby, and so it's really important to us, to know that our family and our friends are educted about what the effects of HG are and that the future may not look like we or most people imagined.  If by some miracle I don't develop PPD, that would be great, but if I do, I just want to also prepare you all ahead of time or equip you with good information, in an effort to reduce stress that way.  I've seen alot with my father and how his issues could make everyone feel.  And this is my way of trying to help us all, so YOU and WE don't feel helpless or isolated, should this come to pass. 
 
I will promise to do whatever I can, so that Kevin, the baby and myself are taken care of should PPD happen (even if it means trying out anti-depressant medications, which I normally would avoid like the plague).  If you could pray that it doesnt develop, that would be great, too!
 
And lastly, I am participating in a study for women who have HG.  Her name is Marlena.  Her situation was way worse than mine with HG (Thank god the Zofran works for me).  She has this you tube video about the study and what happened to her as a result of developing HG (she lost her baby from it.)  http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-620576203744453182&q=youtube+-+hyperemesis&total=6&start=0&num=10&so=0&type=search&plindex=2
 
***If any of you know ANYONE who has been diagnosed with HG, please forward this link about the study to them and even if you don't know anyone personally you could print out a copy of the info at the below link and give to your OBGYN so they can let other HG sufferers know about it:  http://www.hyperemesis.org/HER-Research/opportunities.php. ***
 
Ok, sorry for the long post.  I just needed to reach out in some way, because I'm really scared about going through this alone, of Kevin being overwhelmed with no emotional support or us being judged harshly, due to misinformation or from lack of information.
 
Ok, well thanks for reading this.
 
Love,
Lisa, (Kevin and Samantha)

Only during pregnancy will a doctor...EVER...tell you that throwing up anything you eat several times a day, everyday, as well as feeling like you could convulsively retch if you even smell a food you used to love...is infact...normal.  I have never felt anything so abnormal in my life!  Since about 6 weeks pregnant i have been throwing up.  Does my body care that there is no food in there to puke?  NO!  Of course not.  That's when you get the nasty bowl of bile soup in front of you.  Oh, you think that is gross, try being the one staring face down in it everyday.  This is worse than getting the flu for a week and upchucking.  I am 17 weeks pregnant now meaning i have had this happening for 3 months.  Ohhhh have I been cranky!  And you know what...you would be, too!  It sucks.  It sucks really bad.  Good meaning people will try to rack their brains to remember any conversation or piece of material they have read to suggest a home remedy to help you out.  I am all about home remedies and natural medicine, using whole plants to aid in the healing of illness and ailments.  And i tried it all to no avail.  Crackers, warm water with lemon, Sea-bands on my wrists, chocolate chip cookies, milk, ginger pieces and ginger ale, lemon lollipops, fasting until about 2:30 p.m. when the nasuea seemed to ease up, laying on my left side, praying, barganing, crying, complaining and begging my husband to end my misery.  The ONLY thing that has helped me to stop throwing up 100% is a medicine called Zofran, which by the way, the side effects to a fetus are unknown and may have side effects on my serontin levels, which could be why i feel severe anxiety and depression at times.  As long as i take this one pill every 24 hours, than i can do my life and there is no vomiting and only mild nausea.  It's $35.00 a pill without insurance and you are supposed to take it three to six times a day, so i am lucky to get away with taking one pill every day.  My insurance was only going to allow me 7 pills every month at first, but i begged and pleaded with my doctors to have that 7 pill limit overridden because it was the ONLY thing that has helped me and they did it!  THANK GOD!!!   I had already been in the ER once for dehydration and until Zofran came along, i was headed toward setting up a home health aide to administer I.V. fluids when i needed it so i didnt have to keep going to the E.R.  I have been taking the Zofran religiously for two months and checking every week to see if i still have the all day-morning sickness...so i will go more than 24 hours without the pill.  But like i said in a previous journal entry, New Year's Day....the same old routine creeped back in.  I threw up 3 times in less than hour.  And again i tried today (two weeks later-17 weeks pregnant) to see if the "morning sickness" had gone.  I dont want to keep taking the pills if my body has adjusted, BUT... no such luck.  i threw up....AGAIN!.  BIle soup anyone?

I am so sick of being sick like this.  Everytime i vomit, it makes me feel like a video game character who just got the crap kicked out of her and her life force is down to half.  I happened to be looking online today and found the following site.  I don't share the same contempt as alot of the women on there do for people who suggest Crackers or Ginger Ale as the cure-all for their issue, but i do take solace in knowing I am not the only one going through this.  For those of you who don't believe me as to how bad it can get, take a look at some of the entries these women have posted.  They're short, some are funny, and most of them make you feel down right bad for the women.  http://pregnancy.baby-gaga.com/sj/week11

I partially posted this so that those of you who come across a women diagnosed with this kind of issue durig her pregancy that you save yourself the look of death you will be given the moment the word "Cracker or have you tried..." leaves your mouth.   I wanted to take the time to also pay homage to those of you who read this because you are going through the same thing.  You are not alone and if you click on that link you'll see that plain and clear. 

As for my husband, he has been great.  Although my vomiting can make him feel bad at times he is 110% there for me and rubs my back or gets me tissue on the unique days whne it comes out of my nose too!  I found his journal entry to be very funny, but i wanted to let everyone know that he's been great and very patient and understanding...even at 4:00 a.m.  If i am in another room, and he even thinks he hears me throwing up, no matter how tired he is, he comes running out to see what i need.  He really is a terrific husband and i know he'll be an amazing father. 

Ok that is it for now.  Ciao!

Love, Lisa