A few weeks ago, I recieved a phone call from my doctor. He was calling to inform me that my bloodwork had come back great, but there was a problem with the results of my pap test.
It was abnormal.
I don't really remember the rest of the conversation, because that word was all I could focus on. Abnormal. I had no idea what it meant, or what that was going to mean, and I was so confused and shocked that I didn't really have a chance to ask further questions about what I was hearing.
"There's nothing that we can do further until your baby is born, and six weeks later we'll do another test. If the results are still abnormal, we'll have to send you to a specialist where you will be treated for Cancer."
The Doctor said it, just like that. And I don't think I'll ever forget what that c-word sounded like on the other end of the line.
I know now that cervical cancer is something that can be treated easily, and that's even if I have it. Apparently, abnormal cells will show up - especially in a pregnant woman - because of the lack of menstration. I know that I will be fine, even if it is a worse case scenario. A lot of women before me have gone through this, and I'm not going to be the last.
But it has been overwhelming, no matter which way you look at it, especially with all these pregnancy hormones raging through me. So I try not to think about it, and I try not to talk about it, and I sometimes have to pretend that it's just the commercial making me emotional - when someone notices me crying.
2007-12-12 (15 weeks)
Not Exactly What I Was Expecting
While watching a recent episode of Baby Story, my husband and I sat watching the tv in horror, awe, and shock. It was difficult to figure out what was happening on the screen, except that there was a lot of grunting, a lot of screaming, and a very red-faced woman.
I gulped.
Fear started to trickle it's way up my spine, so I looked to my husband for comfort. He caught the look on my face, gave me a knowing smile, and said simply:
"You are so going to fart, poop, and pee."
2007-12-10 (15 weeks)
My Second Heart
Occasionally, I'll have a moment.
It might be when I'm brushing my teeth, making dinner, playing with the dog, or sitting at the computer. It will wash over me like a wave, goosebumps will sprout all over my body, and I'll stop whatever I'm doing. Only for a moment.
I'm pregnant. There's a little being growing inside of me. I have two hearts.
And occasionally, when those moments occur, I am blown away. It makes me wonder what color hair my baby will have? What color eyes my baby will have? What will my baby sound like when it laughs? When it crys?
In a few months, my second heart will suddenly be outside of my body. And I have a sneaking suspicion, that occasionally I will also have moments when I wish I could put my baby back inside of me, and keep it safe again.
2007-12-10 (15 weeks)
I have a Version of Marimo
Here's a 10 plus minute Japanese video about a young girl and her dog. I wanted to watch it, completley detached and think nothing of it. But before I knew it, my eyes were welling up with tears and a lump formed in my throat.
Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones, but I think anyone that has ever loved a dog, will feel the same.
