On Tuesday we went for our first, two-week prenatal checkup. Everything went really well, the baby is healthy and so am I. However the Doctor did present her concerns that she thinks our baby will be breech, and so we need to go on April 30th for an ultrasound. If Baby still has not turned down, we have to schedule for a c-section during my 39th week.
Of course we'll keep everyone posted as to whats happening, and here's hoping that this little bean decides to turn around!
2008-04-15 (33 weeks)
Yellow and Liquor
I finally made a decision on the color of paint we were going to use for the baby's room. It didn't come easily, especially for such an indecisive person as myself, and while we were standing in front of the rows upon rows of paint color swatches I nearly thought my head was going to explode from the difficulty of it all. I had all these grand dreams of murals and art and fancy things to make the room that much more enjoyable for changing dirty diapers in, however when it finally came down to making that final decision I completley choked up and went with what I figured was a very safe color which would be easy to decorate and would give no hint to the family members who still do not yet know whether or not we are having a little girl or boy. I chose, yellow.
So on Sunday, Chad and I spent a few hours prepping the room. Actually, Chad did most of the work while I supervised and once the room was almost half-painted and looking great, I decided that I would go for a quick drive to the liquor store to show him how much I appreciated his hard work to ensure that the room was as great as it could be.
Now, I'm not really sure I thought that move through enough, because when do you ever see an eight month pregnant woman by herself, entering a liquor store? I've personally never seen this, and as soon as I entered the store and the bells chimed above my head, two young guys discussing which beer they were going to buy glanced my way.
I smiled politley at the cashier and continued towards the freezer, and before I opened the door, I heard one of the guys whisper loudly to the other in shock and horror,
"Dude! That chick's pregnant...."
And as I grabbed my husbands choice selection of coolers and walked back towards the front of the counter, I couldn't help but notice that those two young fellows were now standing behind racks of cheap wine and staring stoney-eyed in my direction like they were trying to figure out if what they were seeing was actually happening or not, and I simply smiled and shrugged and made my way to the cash register.
And, for the first time in my life, I was not asked for I.D. Go figure.
2008-04-13 (32 weeks)
What We Have to Look Forward To
For the past five days, we've been looking after our 17 year old nephew, Nick. Yesterday, he bought some new stereo speakers for his jeep and spent the better part of his evening outside installing them.
At 10pm, Chad and I were both beat and decided to hit the sack. Nick was still working on his vehicle, but because he had to work the next evening I just naturally assumed that he'd finish everything by ten thirty, or eleven.
I suppose this just goes to show how forgetful I am about what it's like to be a teenager, because at 2am when I got up to use the washroom, I realized that Nick was still not in his room.
I crawled back into bed and listened as my husband breathed deeply in his sleep, trying to figure out where Nick was. He was probably just downstairs watching tv, or maybe playing video games. He was fine, he was just going to be really tired the next morning for work. There was nothing wrong.
But that nagging feeling tore at my brain and my gut and before I knew it, I was thinking of what we were supposed to tell the police the next day when Nick was actually missing. I woke Chad up and whispered to him in the dark,
"Nick's not in his room. Can you go see if he's okay?"
Chad groggily looked around and rubbed his eyes and I continued to repeat that Nick wasn't in his room and I was really worried because it was already two in the morning, and shouldn't he be sleeping?
So my husband got up, and went downstairs to investigate. I listened, worried and nervous, with my knee's drawn up to my chest and hoping that I'd hear Chad start to talk to Nick and tell him to turn off the tv and go to bed.
But when I heard Chad pick up the telephone and start dialing numbers, I instantly knew that Nick was not in the house.
Panic seized me and I sat there in stone silence, unsure of what to do. Before I could stop them, a million horrible thoughts started to float through my mind.
And that's when I heard Chad on the phone, talking to Nick on the other end, telling him to stop working on his jeep and get in the house.
When Chad finally came back to bed, and I could hear Nick in the bathroom washing up, I finally felt a sense of calm fall over me. I fell back into my pillows and pulled the blanket up to my chin.
"That was stressful." I muttered as we settled down for the night. "Is this what we're in for, for the rest of our lives?"
"Yeah," Chad replied. "Only times that by a thousand."
2008-04-11 (32 weeks)
Let's Be Honest
The past few weeks have been difficult, emotionally. Half the time I feel like a basket case, and the other half I just feel numb. I feel angry over silly things, mundane things that don't matter at all, and I feel brokenhearted and upset over everything else. It started to hit me a few weeks ago, this sudden barrage of negative emotion, and I had no idea what to do with it except to hope it would go away. Except that it didn't.
It's not something that I thought I'd actually write about, or admit at all out-loud, especially since so many of my friends and family read this journal; but I think what's more important to me lately is being honest with myself and those who know me.
I have an amazing support group around me, and I think that's one of the reasons I've been able to cope with this war of feeling and unexplainable emotion surfacing recently. I'm lucky. I can talk about how I feel, openly, and always recieve encouragement and help.
What many people may not realize unless they have been pregnant or have known someone close to them that's been pregnant; is that those 'changes' people talk about that happen to a woman, can be incredibly serious. I wish I previously had understood more about what a woman can go through during those nine months, simply because I never had an appreciation for what they were doing. And now, whenever I see a Mother, I want to stop whatever I'm doing - walk over to them - and give them a huge hug.
I've been told countless times that what I'm creating is a beautiful little person, a small piece of me whom I need to focus my attention on and be happy about. The truth is, I couldn't BE more excited and happy and anxious to finally have my baby in my arms. But it does not change the fact that these 'sad days' cannot be fixed by constantly reminding myself of that. Unfortuantley, thinking of my baby is not what makes these feelings go away, and if it did I can promise that I would be in a much better state of mind.
Hormones during pregnancy do wonders to the human body. I have no idea when I will have a good day, or a bad day, or an in-between day anymore. I just take it all in stride and hope that I will soon be back to my normal self and try not to feel like I have to explain anything to anyone. Because as one of my closest friends kindly told me to remind myself,
"I'm busy making a miracle. What have YOU done today?"
