depression/ venting...more lol
I have found that i have been depressed. I did go to the doctor and he did tell me that i probably wasn't depressed as much as i have depressing issues, like Jonathan being gone..being away from my family..ect. I think he may be wrong..I am going to a psycologist on May 16th..so I guess I will see what she has to say. I have never needed to go to a psycologist or anyone for any reason so this is a big thing for me. Also though it cuts me off from things i could have done in the future (that I probably wouldnt have ever done but still they were an option) because the military won't let you go through certain training if you have been depressed or have seen a counciler. Oh well. I know what i am doing is for me and my daughter and probably my marriaige because i know depression can be hard on marriage too. Especially with Jonathan being in Iraq.
I wish his mom could understand me better. You can tell she grew up in a different time because of how she is. She is the Ultimate housewife. Everything is clean all the time. She cooks everyday for almost every meal. I am never going to be like her. She loves to clean. How can anyone loe to clean. She says she wants to move to North Carolina with Jonathan and I when we move...Not in our house but down there...I dont really have a problem with that so much as I dont want her at my house everyday. In my business. Yadda Yadda. She always asked what I cooked for dinner that day or if i cooked. And, if I said I didnt cook that night she was like Oh...*long pause* cook tomorrow night. Sometimes Jonathan and I just liked to forage in the fridge for snacks and not eat a Full meal..SOMETIMES!! I cooked almost everynight cause my hubby was hungry when he got home from work. I miss being a wife..like I know I am one now but I dont really have any wifely duties to do.
In SOOO many ways I feel like a failure. I have a rocky relationship with my parents, and my grandparents. My best friend and I arent as close as we used to be. I have debt..I have never had it before..My husband is gone..I am 19..married..pregnant..I should be finishing my first year of college right now..I was enrolled in college..a Good college. But i threw it away because I loved this boy and I wanted to be an adult and be married which I am happy that I am married ot him I love him so much but college is so important to me. I see my mom struggle to get jobs because she didnt finish college and she puts herself down as a failure because of it. She's not a failure. Its not really her fault. SHe got married had kids..raised us..she didnt have time to finish college.
Which then scares me. I havent even started college..will I ever get to?
butyeah i am done...this made me feel better
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