I dreamed I delivered the babies at home, with no warning.  There were no contractions or labor pains.  I only felt a bit of pressure and something wet between my legs, and out came baby number one.  I caught him and lifted him up.  I looked down and saw his beautiful blue eyes and was immediately filled with love.  I carried him to the bathroom and set him on the floor on a bath towel, and knelt down, then baby number two came out.  He wasn't breathing right away.  His face looked a little squished.  I called for Nick and he came in, and rubbed and patted the baby's back until he coughed and cried.  Then we held the babies together.  He told me not to worry, that baby 2's face would straighten out.  I was so happy and relieved that it was over with, even though we didn't go to the hospital and have my C-section like we had planned.

Of course then I woke up, and was like "DUH...... of course it was a dream!!"  No one gives birth with no pain.  And if I had given birth at home, we would be panicking.  But I was kind of sad and disappointed, because I felt like I had just gotten to hold and love my babies and then they were taken away from me.  I consoled myself by playing Scrabble against the computer all day while lying in bed, but couldn't shake that bummed-out feeling.

Late that night I had terrible contractions.  They were between 2-6 minutes apart for over three hours, and were very painful.  However, it's not the first time this has happened, and I knew it wasn't real labor.  Nick and I were up until almost 4 in the morning waiting it out just in case.  I thought to myself, "NOOOOOOOOO!!!  Don't let them come out yet...... I know I wished for them after my dream, but it's too early!!!"

I know it's coming soon.  I have our suitcase packed to go to the hospital.  Whether it's days or weeks, I'm ready. 

7 years ago, my first pregnancy was a "surprise" with someone I was in a bad relationship with.  Of course I loved her anyway, but it took a long time to get over the shock and consequent depression of having an unexpected baby, especially since I was young and unmarried.  This is the first time I have had a planned pregnancy, and with someone I truly love.  The babies are a part of Nick and a part of me, and that makes them even more special because we're married and we love each other.  I won't have to adjust myself emotionally the way I did the first time.  I want so bad to hold and cuddle them!!!!!! 

I should get some rest, but I haven't slept at night in at least a week.  I guess I will go try.

*******Disgusting blog warning*******

Don't continue to read if you are easily offended.

OK............You have been warned!!

So... I can't sleep.

But the reason I can't sleep is much worse than the not-being-able-to-sleep itself.

I have such severe gas tonight that I am embarrassed to be in the same bed, let alone the same room, as my husband.  And I mean farts, not burps. 

I am so mortified that he will wake up and either (a) be completely disgusted or (b) ridicule me, that I had to vacate the premises.  Now banished to the living room, I have sat here for the past three hours, trying to wait it out, festering in my own stench and dying of stomach cramps.  What the hell did I eat???  Yes, I took some medicine.  No, it didn't help. 

Aren't you glad I shared that info with you??  I would worry more about what people think of me but hey, that's what blogs are for. 

It's a lot easier to tell a bunch of strangers that I can't stop farting than for my husband to find out.

I love pregnancy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy new year,

It came back, and it stayed.  Every day now, all over again.  Puking, fainting.  Puking and fainting.  That's all I do anymore.  I just stay in bed all day like I did my first trimester.  I am so weak.  I'm so bored of being in bed, and I'm tired of having to ask Nick to do everything for me.  He seems tired of it, too.

As I'm "a danger" now and can't drive anymore, my mom had been insisting on taking me everywhere.  And I had gotten used to riding on the scooter things at Wal-Mart without much shame or embarrassment.  But three days ago I got suddenly very sick in the store... and fainted while I was riding on one.  Luckily my mom was there to catch me before I hit the floor, but I'm sure I made a real spectacle of myself.   I woke up wedged between her giant boobs with her holding a frozen burrito on my face.

Embarrassment aside, now my mom doesn't want me to leave the house at all, not even with her.  As Nick is always at work, she was my only outlet..... I am so angry being trapped in my home like a prisoner!!  This is crap!!  I still have at least six weeks to go and I don't want to spend them all looking at these four walls!!!!!  She is insisting that i just give her a grocery list and let her do everything.  Now I can't do anything but lie here and be sick AND bored.  I want to die.  I wish I could speed up the time.

My mom has been taking me out of the house now and again to go shopping, etc. (I can't be trusted to drive in case I pass out at the wheel)...

It's murder for me to walk more than a few steps, so I am growing accustomed to being pushed in wheelchairs, and sometimes driving those motorized scooter things that they provide at Wal-Mart and the grocery store. 

I was VERY EMBARRASSED and refused to do it at first, since I'm not a "real" disabled person, and felt that I should be trying harder to walk on my own.  I thought people would stare at me and I would feel conspicuous.  But all that went out the window fairly fast as I started gasping, felt faint and went into contractions shortly after trying to walk through the store a week or two ago.  Then not only did I have to suffer riding in the wheelchair anyway, I also had to listen to a 20 minute lecture from my mom (which I couldn't escape from) about how I should stop being so vain and think about the welfare of my unborn children.

"Don't worry, we won't run into anyone you know," she promised.

So of course the very next person we run into is this COMPLETELY HOT guy I used to go to high school with, who comes bounding straight toward me, a big smile on his face, and wishes me a merry Christmas.   And not only am I in a wheelchair, but I'm dressed in my nastiest sweats, have no makeup on, my hair is wet and carelessy twisted up into a clip, my face is bloated and I have huge purple bags under my eyes.

"Uh........ hi!"  I try to stammer my way through introductions, since I haven't seen him in ten years, but what I really want to do is die.

Afterwards, my mom wants to know what I was so embarrased about, I mean, I'm married, after all. 

Heh.