well, my belly is continuing to grow, i look more and more pregnant, but am still wearing my normal clothes. I am not yet big enought for maternity, but i am sure i will really pop in the next month or so. i feel pretty normal, although still restful. i have found i usually need 1 day of rest on the weekends and my evenings just to chill out and read a book and or watch bad TV. i am taking it in now, coz i know it will not be the case when the baby comes.  

my mood swings are completely defnintely swinging. at times it feels very out of body, as if i am standing behind a glass wall watching how i am acting or feeling and wondering, why am i feeling/acting this way? other times i am very present with my emotions and can be pretty unreasonable. i had a great moment exchanging hormonal stories with a friend of mine who is also expecting a baby. His wife is 3 weeks ahead of me, so we are riding the same boat right now. it was a riot to hear testimony on the recieving end while i was able to offer perspective on the giving end! note to folks out there, never say   "Relax!" or "you are being hormonal/pregnant right now" no matter how gentle and caring -- it will set a pregnant woman off!

its amazing to me how this little life in me can cause so much excitement. it truly is a beautiful thing. this life that really isnt taking up any "physical" space in the world, can begin ripples of happiness. i look at friends and family and they are brimming with excitement and pure joy. that is the power of life, making this an incredibly spriritual experience. all these people are connected to this being inside of me, and they only want to give me and this child love.  it reminds me that life is so much bigger than you or i. 

alright, well that's all i got for now. photos to come!!! i promise.

hey folks!! its been a while since i wrote in, there is much to say, but keeping an on-line journal i realize takes some time, and although it seems i have a lot of it nowadays, i cannot just get to the journal too often.  I suppose i'll go thru my phases, but there hasnt been too many changes... just subtle ones...

the last week or so has been interesting. i can no longer sleep thru the night, i tell you 1 week ago, a party can be going on outside, and when my head hits the pillow i am out like a lightbulb. last 4-5 nights, not so much, lots of tossing and turning, and then i wake up around 2 am and up till 3am. the other night i woke up 4 times, and didnt go to sleep till 30-40 minutes later each time. this leaves for a cranky woman in the morning, (bless my baby's daddy for dealing with me on these days) it's funny how it changed just like that, so fascinating to me.

i also feel changes in my body and have found myself forgetting i am pregnant on multiple occasions this weekend. I think this means i am getting my energy back, despite the little sleep i am getting. YES... hello 2nd trimester!! i am also noticing my hump.. (my little lady hump, check it out!!) its very small still, but its very firm as if i was engaing my muscles or something, except its right above my pubic bone. that has been awesome!! thru-out the day my tummy will toughen up more then others, maybe he's moving around, maybe it's when i am hungry, but i like it!! little tiny changes!!

i had my 2nd prenatal yesterday. we heard the heartbeat. AAAGGGHH!!! it was so crazy beautiful, i wish i had a recording. It was super fast which is normal for this stage. unfortunately no picture, but that'll come in mid-February. i miss her already, i dunno why, but i guess i was hoping to take a look-see at my beloved. oh well i know she is in there healthy. i can't wait to meet him, see what he'll look like, feel like, smell like. it'll be heaven to hold this child in my arms.

can i just say, i hate scales! they cause such anxiety for me... i was literally dreading this part of the appointment. but as i took my shoes off and repeated my affirmations to myself ("its ok, gaining weight is ok, your pregnant"), it turns out i am the same weight?!?! imagine that! it didn't make sense at first since i eat 4 times a day plus snacks and my workouts have eased up signficantly. i was under the impression that those preggie books were full of it. they first said that my appetite should be the same during the 1st trimester but it wasnt, i was/am hungry quite often (and i noticed this change b4 i found out i was baking my own bun) and then they said i could maintain my workout, which i physically couldnt. and then they say you gain 25 for your whole pregnancy and i was like oh, that must be a load of -ish given my appetite. i still dont believe it, i think 25lbs is too limited, esp since i know many women who've gained 30-40lbs and are very healthy eaters! i guess my point is i am finding that there is some truth but a lot of contradictions in those pregnancy books out there. so i'm taking a lot of it as a grain of salt.

alright i think that's all i got for now.

i am so excited... i just can't hide it... i know-i know- i know - i know i WANT you! I WANT YOU!!

WHOO! love to you all!

I am currently in my 11^th week, the last few weeks have been better. Thr first 2 months I was pretty sick, after 2-ish I couldn’t do anything, after 5 pm forget about it, I was on the couch with a migrane and nausea. Luckily no vomiting, tho I wished i would vomit so at least the nausea would go away.  Sometimes I would  burp and actually taste vomit -- it's nasty and i am so glad that is over.

however... with sickness aside, emotions have free reign, and let me tell you they have been unleashed! I like to be angry and mad --  in this weird way it feels so good! and the reality is, I AM MAD AND ANGRY. My life has changed, turned upside down in the matter of 2 months. I am angry that I cannot do capoeira (my body cannot handle it, i tried), or anything that pushes me like it does!  I am angry my focus has shifted away from my goals. (What will happen to me?) I am angry I am not financially ready. I am angry dinners and brunches are no longer the same because I cannot have a cocktail, i cannot even stay out past dusk coz i am too tired and sick. I am angry because my body has to change, i have to gain the weight and loose it, not him! I am angry that everyone will tell me how beautiful I look (coz of the "pregnancy glo") when i feel bloated and huge! I am angry because Chris gets to go to martial arts, he is able to drink,his body has not stopped him like mine has. This lists goes on and on. I am angry all around.

I am also very sensitive. Just the other day I was in the shower and began crying, feeling bad about being moody, i feLT like screaming "I can't help it!". Feeling judged by everyone I know and feeling very apologetic for not being me. And i realize a lot of this i put on myself. Those that I do love, are not judging me, no inappropriate comments have been made. Chris is incredibly supportive, and is there to absorb the explosions of emotion, and then to catch me afterwards when i collapse exhausted. Mommas, girlfriends and aunties are telling me "its ok, be emotional and pregnant!" I dunno what it is. I don't feel myself anymore. Eveything is changing -- EVERYTHING.

however with weekly breakdowns, i have been able to work thru a lot. i am working on letting myself feel. these changes are neccessary and i will continue to feel thruout the pregnancy. a girlfriend of mine said that one door will close but others will open. she told me she did not know what love was till her son was born, and that yes our bodies carry the emotional and physical weight of pregnancy/birth, but this creates a deep sacred connection that cannot be explained. just thinking about that makes me slow down and breathe for a minute. ok, if i can just remember this all the time. just breathe.

Hey there folks! welcome to my on-line journal. My hope is to keep all of you connected as we embark on this beautiful process! Before I begin though I’d like to say a few things:

 ¨       This journal is dedicated to all the mommas out there. To the one that birthed me, who I adore with all of me, to the aunties and sistas who share their pregnancy and birth stories which in turn validates my own experience – your understanding has been crucial in coping with all the changes! For all the mommas-to-be know that every pregnancy is different, but please enjoy what I have to offer.

 To the momma allies out there, your support and love has meant the world.

 For my baby’s daddy and my partner for life. Its you and me love!  I could not get through each day without you. You are my… OUR ROCK.

 ¨       We are so excited for this beautiful manifestation of our love to enter our lives, and on that same note, I am full of fear, anxiety, loss, overwhelmingess… a whole gamit of emotions and this journal will reflect all of the different moments. Know that when reading this, but also know that the baby is loved and is welcomed…

 Alright I think I said it all for right now! Lets get it started! Go to the next entry!