I'm just feeling very out of sorts at the moment, and yes, I still relive that morning most days but I do know and have been told a dozen times that this will all get easier.
I just don't know what to do.
there's too much info floating around my head.. so much that Im scared of for the future.. like another pregnancy for example.. I just feel so hurt and so lost.. My faith has also taken a turn and I feel like somebody up there has let me down.. or did I let him down?..
What if I did something wrong and this was my punishment?..
How will Connor ever know who I am?.. did he know me?.. could he smell me when he was put on me for those precious minutes that we had together?.. I will never know the son that he could have been.. only what he was to me.
Yes, he has made me a mother all over again, but I don't feel it.. I feel like maybe I did do something wrong and now this is my punishment. My cross to bear.
All I know is that I just miss my little boy. I'm worried about him.. is he safe and happy?.. does he even know who I am ?.. will he smile at me if he saw me?..
Like I said, so many things through my head..
I am so sorry to have burdened you with all of this.. I hope this hasn't upset you too much.
OH MY GOODNESS ...your baby boy is gorgeous.I could smooch him forever and ever...those cheeks are just to die for....
I was told to not co-sleep and all that mess too with my first one...also a boy and at 4 months he did exactly what Sage is doing. Almost 9 years later he is secure and confident and independent. Not clingy and suffering seperation anxiety like "they" say it will cause. In fact he NEVER suffered seperation anxiety.
Some doctors get so caught up in medicine that they forget that when you strip away the industrialized nation and all that we are still animals and no other mammal kicks it's child into another room or some place else to sleep upon birth. NONE! In fact most keep their young by their side for the first several years. So why they expect us as humans to do it simply because we are intelligent is and always will be crazy to me...My little Gracie is co-sleeping as well as falling asleep in our arms and sometimes in her bassinet or swing when she wants. She also reminds me of her brother already in that she is secure enough to entertain herself for awhile and play quietly upon waking. I firmly believe it is because she knows , like he did, that when she needs someone they will respond and NOT just leave her lay to cry. I know LOTS of parents believe in crying it out and sorry if I am stepping on toes but babies are dependent on us. And yes Gracie sometimes cries herself to sleep but she does it with one of us holding her close not leaving her down the hallway in some strange place. So don't let people tell you that you are doing anything wrong or "spoiling" your child. (that one is my fav.) Appreciate the time you have at that stage. All too soon they will want their independence and you'll wish you had the time back.
Thanks for signing my book about your moving hell experience .It made me feel tons better.
Hi Bianca,
Thanks for telling me you have joint pain, too.It's reassuring. It's amazing how babies have real personalities, isn't it? Just from your description, I get a picture of your little man and he seems so different from mine. I don't think Gunter has ever seemed actually angry yet, just frustrated sometimes. He lets me stroke his head when he's feeding, lets me do whatever I want, dump him in the bath, dress him up like a doll... hasn't complained yet.
Sonia
Hi Bianca,
I have been busy (naturally) so I only just got round to starting to read your birth story now. Holy cow, are you brave and strong! Mums like you should go into some hall of labor fame with honorable mentions or something. What an amazing natural birth story. I bet it helped a lot that you had a midwife. I kind of wished I had gotten one because I only got the annoying docs to deal with. Dr Nitwit (I call him that affectionately, though) also told me to get angry in order to push the baby out and I told him to forget that because the last thing I felt was angry. How could I feel angry when my greatest dream is coming true?
Lol about Sage not laughung anymore when you tried to show your husband. Gunter did the same thing when he started smiling. He did it all morning, but when I tried to get Arron to see him do it, baby just gave one of those fake smiles that are really 'just gas' and Arron looked at me like, 'Wishful thinking, my dear'.
As for me getting more sleep than any other new mom, I'm really not. It's true Gunter can sleep for about 71/2 hours at a time, especially if he really loads up on food right before he goes to bed, but the problem is that after decades of being a night owl I can't get to sleep till 2:00am. I'm trying to change that, because as it is I get woken up every couple of hours and i should really be able to take advantage of his long stretch of sleep. It's just that once he dozes off, I have time to myself and I just can't resist. I hang out with Arron, do things on my laptop, etc, just like in the old days.
Your baby is soooo cute!
Sonia
Your story is beautiful. You should really consider trying to publish it. So well written I felt I was laboring along with you. Parenting or baby talk would eat it up. Congrats on your lovely little boy! Peace and Blessings! Carrie
