Pregnancy Journal

I've gotten behind in writing.... its been an eventful week.  Monday I had another sono- Baby A is there- I saw its beautiful little heartbeat... really saw it.  It was surreal- I was so afraid it would be like my miscarriage with sono after sono him saying "i think theres a little heartbeat"- no thinking - it was there- I saw it.... Sac B had grown but didnt appear to have anything inside it and then Dr. G found something that he thought might have been a sac C- but it was small, empty- so I thought we had ended up with one... and most importantly it was healthy... all was well

Tues at work things change in a flash - thankfully it appears only temporarily- all was well- other than nausea which I started to experience monday- tues am worse... at noon I went to the bathroom to find red blood- a trickle of blood dripping out- I thought I was going to die.  I called Dr. G and they told me to come in.  In a panic I sat and waited for him to get back from lunch.  the Cervix was closed, my baby A is still there with its little HB- I nearly cried, he did see a small bleed underthe placenta- which most likely caused the bleeding... but then he notes that Sac B has a yolk sac- he thinks it might catch up , and there is definitely a sac C- which remains empty.  It was so surreal really - I am terrified that I am going to lose everything at the same time as I learn that once again its possible that I may have twins.  I choose not to think of sac C too much as it scares me.  So I was on bedrest and all seems good- other than nausea - the bleeding stopped... I go back tomorrow for another sono to check the SCH.  I'm hoping it will be gone although thats probably not realistic.  As long as I see my little Cat A with its heartbeat... I pray so much that I get to keep this baby... even just the one.

Tues was hard- yest better and today I feel calmer- mostly bc there is no bleeding.  After this long road I wish it could just be simple....

Wed we went in for the first sono- 2 sacs!  I was so relieved as I worried about 3 witht he hcg being so high.  One sac is smaller than the other- not clear what that means- implanted later or  not going to make it.  Next look is monday - they will be seeing me weekly which I am thrilled about as my anxiety is really hard to take.  I  have better moments and worse- yest was just a bad day - worried about everything.  I feel better today after accupuncture.  I think alot about when I was pregnant with my boys and even with the twins I miscarried - such bliss with no worries- it never crossed my mind that there wouldnt be a baby at the end.  Now the worry is constant.  I wish I could poof myself back to being naieve and worry free.  I try to take it  a step at a time- mediation cds- accupuncture.... anything and everything to keep some sense of calm. 

The words that I've longed to say and have them be true- 3 years in the making.  I'm afraid to say it for fear that it might all end, but this time its different, and I hope its finally for real.  After so many almosts, this has felt different from the start.  Not sure how to put my finger on how- maybe the accupuncture- it simply felt different from the day of the embryo transfer. 

So to back up:  I'm 38.  We started trying for our third child over 3 years ago- IVF#1 - OHSS, transfer cancelled all frozen.  Miserable.  FET 1&2- BFN.  FET 3- BFP- then twins! but never a good sono- and eventually it was a miscarriage.  A piece of me died with those babies.  Multiple IUIS bfn.  IVF #2- coasting for 1 week- poor quality embryos= BFP- chemical pg #1.  More IUIs- all bfn.  Then Sept- just one more try- I tried so hard to move on but couldnt... IVF#3- simple- plan for D3 tx, no PGD- told not to worry about overstim at my age- 50 eggs, transfer cancelled - no OHSS.. Just frustration.  FET 1&2- chemical pgs... finally FET #3- BPF!  My first + HPT was 7dp3dt- getting stronger and darker since.  First beta 12dpo 3dt 1243!!!  Two days later the official number 2309.  Now waiting for a sono next week on Wed.

I cant stop doing HPTs as I get scared that I'm going to wake up an this will be gone... every day I do a test just to make sure its real.  I feel silly sometimes, but it seems well worth a buck for the reasurance it gives me to see the lines (thank god for the $ store).  Wed seems like a year away.

I feel like shouting it from the rooftop- but then I fall back and remember how absolutely devestated I have been so many times... and the fear kicks in and I say -no I cant tell anyone... seems each day I tell someone else though.  Please please let this be the one!

I think about telling this baby - how much (s)he was wanted- how long I waited... how I tried to give up the hope, but I just couldnt- bc I wanted him(her) so much.... It has been such a long long road... just praying this time its really happening.