well, its 3:50am and im up. not by choice, but because (yes, i KNOW its my fault mom) the darling 5-year-old is up and has been since i tried to go to sleep hours ago. every move, every sigh, every little thing she does either wakes me up or keeps me awake.

we had reading yesterday and we got up early. she stayed up all day. problem is, she fell asleep in the car on the way home and slept until about 10pm. i tried to go to bed at midnight, and shes been restless the entire time. annoyed, i am.

im going to have a snack and try to hit the sack...again. ohhhh, that rhymed.

inserted at the top is an image of what the baby looks like this week. an amazing thing has happened, her (and im saying this because we all know we want another girl) heart has started beating!

well...i started the unisom and vitamin b6 combo last night. the unisom takes the place of ambien--seems to work pretty much the same, although i feel kind of sleepy today. i didnt sleep well last night though and have been up since about 6am. its time for a nap!

i am still feeling really good. i keep wondering when it will start, and it worries me. i pray (and im not one to pray) that i will be fortunate this time and be healthy, happy and nausea free, that i will get to have a fun pregnancy. i am very scared though.

other than that, i am just taking it day by day. i will write more later.

medical insurance. its a wonderful thing yet at the same time, its a pain in my ass! mark and i have had continous coverage for 2.5 years. weve been trying to get pregnant for that amount of time. in the 2.5 years we were covered, no luck. the 30 days we are between coverage, i get knocked up! what luck, huh?

i am so looking forward to going back to kaiser, but this process has been irritating and frustrating. insurance eligibility started the 1st. mark didnt join the union until the 30th, so we didnt get the paperwork until the day before our coverage was supposed to start. paperwork is filled out but cannot be processed until it gets snail mailed to a company the union hires to handle their insurance nonsense. they cannot accept a fax, they have to have the hard copy. then, once they have the paperwork (which will be mailed here shortly) they can process it, but until american steel submits the monthly bulk payment, nothing will be shown as processed because we cant be covered unitl payment is made.

what a crock of donkey doo-doo! i have anti-depressant scripts that need to be filled. i am out as of today. kaiser can give me a refill (hopefully a 2 week refill) but i have to pay out of pocket. they will of course, reimburse me at a later date.

ive called the advice nurse regarding nasuea meds that are otc. i can take zantac, tums, vitamin b6 & unisom. i cant even get into see my dr. until the 17th and i dont know that my insurance will have kicked in by then. my 1st prenatal appointment is january 7th. it seems so far away, and if this is anything like last time (CROSSING MY FINGERS AND PRAYING IT ISNT), the nausea will start within the next week. i want to have a good christmas for mya. i want to be here and be well. i really want to consult the doctor, but my hands are tied.

i have talked to so many people trying to get this process resolved or sped up, but so far havent gotten any further than i was two weeks ago, except that now i am 2 more weeks pregnant. yay!

i know they say you dont know the exact moment you conceive, but this time i felt like i did. i felt pregnant from a few days after i supposedly ovulated. i have been keeping track of my cycles for about 2.5 years, and im pretty familiar with the signs and symptoms of pms and my period. this time, something felt different...

i tested on thanksgiving (even though i knew it was too early) and got a negative. i was hoping i was pregnant and that i could share the news with the family at dinner. *funny thing is that at dinner that night, mom straight up said "so, are we gonna have another one of these sitting between us at thanksgiving next year?" and my heart jumped into my throat. i kept seeing commercials and sitcoms that mentioned pregnancy--i figured it was a sign.* even though the first test was negative, i still strongly felt like i was pregnant but not wanting to jinx it, i kept it to myself. it was hard not to say anything to anyone (especially mom), but i didnt want it to turn out like all the other times. i finally broke down and told mark that my period was late on the 27th, it was 2 days late at that time. its been up to 4 days late in the past, so i still wasnt sure. then, because of insurance issues, i told mom on the 30th. by then i was 5 days late and still not 100% sure, but she was excited! so excited infact, that she screamed!

december 1st, i tested with a dollar store test and it came up positive right away. i still havent told anyone other than mark, mom, ruthie, teri & jaqui and lainee at work. mom has told everyone. mark has told his parents. mya doesnt know and it breaks my heart because i want her to know she is going to be a big sister! i just dont want the word to get out too soon.

so, i am approx. 5 weeks pregnant and very happy/excited, but scared shitless at the same time. so far i have been feeling pretty good (knock on wood) and am in good spirits, but, i am just waiting for hg to kick in. i want to enjoy being pregnant this time. i want to be able to stay active, work and participate in my family life without feeling sick or barf 100% of the time. i just dont think i can go through that again. i wish i had an answer. it didnt really hit me last time until between 5 & 6 weeks, so right now i am just waiting...

i have been trying to keep food in my belly non-stop, although its been very hard. i dont like eating constantly, but im trying. i even get up twice through the night and have some cereal or crackers and juice. i have noticed several things that differ from my pregnancy with mya. 1st, i have had cravings. non-stop cravings. and i have been eating a lot. not like pigging out, but just eating because my body is craving it. 2nd, heartburn seems to come at specific times during the day. last time i had it 24/7. so far this time, it seems to hit a little in the am (between 9 & noonish) and then again in the pm (9-midnight).  i feel like if i keep on top of it and my belly has something in it at all times to absorb the acid and horomones, maybe i can make it through without getting so sick. i am also hoping that the wellbutrin will help the psychological aspect (although, hyperemesis is NOT psychological).

when i was pregnant with mya (and i dont feel this way now at all--she is the light of my life), i wasnt happy about having a baby or being pregnant, i was scared and didnt think positive...and then when the hyperemesis took over, i think it made the entire experience a very bad one for me. this time, im happy and excited and hoping for the best. i want to enjoy being pregnant and also have the ability to be an active parent to my beautiful daughter.

i have joined a forum on a website: www.helpher.com, that is dedicated to understanding and researching hyperemesis. there is a huge support group of women that have been through it and/or are going through it. they share ideas, hopes, fears and treatment options. i feel like i can learn a lot from others experiences with this condition, and maybe in the process help someone else through it.

our insrance should kick in within the next 24-48 hours, or by the 15th at the latest. i want to schedule an appointment with the obgyn ASAP so that we can set up a plan and prepare for the worst while hoping for the best. i also want to find out what her thoughts are on how this pregnancy might go. the anticipation is hard and the fear of not catching "it" early is lingering.

i wish i had someone close to me to experience this with. its hard being pregnant alone. i feel like if i had someone here, someone close, i would have someone to share my thoughts and fears with. that is kind of why i am keeping this journal--that and because i want to document the different things i notice as they occur.

so far, i feel much better just getting this little bit off my chest! oh, and i am hoping for another girl...but mark wants a boy. cross your fingers for a girl!