had our 27 week check up today. took the 2nd glucose test and it wasnt nearly as bad. i wasnt nauseated and although i got hungry before it was time to eat...i kept it together. scheduled our next two appts. we go again in just under a month, and then two weeks later...and then i imagine it will be once a week until d-day. oh, and i only gained 3 pounds in the last 4 weeks. that made me happy.

took our pre-registration papers and dropped them off. set up a hospital tour appt. and took mya to register for kindergarten. overall, had a busy morning/afternoon. i am pooped. my eyes are all red and swollen from crying. it looks like i am high as a kite.

took mya to the childrens academy to get prices for day care for her and ava. it would cost $1250 for both kids. mya for a few hours before school and a few after, and ava, all day. thats 9am-6:30pm. i could work 8 hours a day, monday thru friday @ $9.20 an hour and gross $1472. so, after taxes, i would actually make less than what it would cost for strangers to watch after my 5-year-old before and after school, and raise my infant daughter for me in a crowded daycare center, full of kids displaced there by their parents for various reasons. what really ticks me off is that this isnt the first time ive looked into this, but because mark resents me for not working, i had to show him that we would actually be in the hole even more if this was the option we chose to go with. he doesnt ever aknowledge or praise me for my "work," that being taking care of our daughter full-time while still holding down a part-time job. i expressed to him that i would surely work full-time, but then things would change around here because i certainly would NOT be taking on all the extra responsibilities, ie: yard work, cooking, laundry, taking care of the kids by myself, cleaning, etc. etc. he wont participate in those activities now, why the hell would he do them just because im working full-time. who would do them? why should those things be MY responsibiliity alone? if im pulling my weight by working full-time at his request...then i sure as hell am going to expect that he pulls his weight around here. i just dont get what he thinks and it SO PISSES ME OFF!

oh well! i am SO tired and happy that i actually got those things done today. i really need to get up and clean and do laundry, but i feel like a damn slug. i cleaned about 5 square feet of area and got pooped of it and stopped. maybe i will take a catnap and then do a little more here in a little bit.

i attended my first al-anon meeting tonight. i was scared and apprehensive, but decided i needed to go. i feel like i have hit a brick wall and have nowhere to go from here. every day just gets worse and i cant seem to make sense of any of it. i related to a lot of what people there said. i know and have known for a long time that i am controling and co-dependant and i deny it. its too early for me to say how i will go about changing that in myself, but from other peoples stories, i know if i put in the work and effort, i can do it.

mark and i talked again tonight, but this time he actually contributed. i cried a lot, but didnt yell and felt like i wasnt being mean...i just wanted some answers. he said a lot of hurtful things. i guess i had it coming, i just never anticipated it. he has never hurt me as bad as he did tonight and i feel like its going to be very hard for me to forgive him and move forward, if that is what we are to do. i am not saying he shouldnt feel the way he does, god knows i rip on him 24-7, but he has bottled some of these issues up for years and i have never felt like hes come close to expressing what he did tonight. it hurts me that even though i may hurt him often by what i say, at least i am honest and try to express what im feeling so that he he knows, and i dont lie straight to his face about important issues in our relationship.

he expressed to me how angry he is that we chose to have children and that because of our choices, he has to work and i dont--even though i do and have consistantly for 7 years. i have worked part-time and only recently cut my hours because of how i have been feeling...like i should be punished for something i cannot control. he is mad that the finances are always drained and bills stacking up, but doesnt seem to have any remorse about the things we buy, etc. he didnt flinch when i said maybe we should sell the vw and try to pay it off. his only response to that was..."i thought you said you needed a car..." like, hell yea if we could sell it, hed be all for it. nevermind that i owned the first vw we had and sold it for the car he wanted, and inturn, sold the suburban for down payment on the lincoln (yet, another car he wanted) and never complained that i lost those cars.

he told me he wasnt entirely happy about having another baby. 7 months into the ordeal and he just now mentions that. weve been trying for a baby for several years and he didnt once say he didnt want another. now i feel like ava is unwanted by her father. no wonder i havent felt like hes been as active or connected with this pregnancy. here i just thought it was because hes just been so selfish and preoccupied with his needs. now i know hes been distancing himself. that really makes me feel alone.

another issue brought up was the drinking. he has had the urge to drink so badly throughout the last 8 years, that when hes not doing it he lets it build up and puts the blame of his unhappyness onto me. from what i learned tonight, i know that it isnt my fault, but i feel like it is because i forced him to stop. now i know thats out of my control and i have to step back and let what happens, happen. i am just scared that he will let it overtake everything and in the end the alcohol will win.

i have been crying my eyes out for almost a week straight and he has shown hardly any compassion. it makes me feel so empty and alone. he distances himself further and further every day, and i continue to let it piss me off. i just dont know how this will end, but i am scared that we will end up divorced and its just not really what i want. i just want him to be proud of me for being the mother that i am and for trying my hardest to want a better and happy life. i want to feel like he loves me, but right now i cant even look at him...its like hes a stranger and i dont know if we will ever get back what we once had.

had inventory tonight at work. wasnt too bad...didnt have to do too much bending and when i did have to get low, i just kinda sat on my knees. by the end of the night, my back ached so bad. its been doing that a lot lately. im not thinking its because of baby, but because of my being overweight. i have been much more active the past week or two, and i think its helping, but also stressing the excess baggage i carry. it doesnt matter how i sit or stand or lay, there is a constant pinch on one side or the other. i hope it doesnt last until the end...i cant imagine it will get any better if it does, and i dont know that i can take it if it gets much worse.

may is finally here. that means less than 3 months and you will be here. hard to believe, but as usual...time cant fly by fast enough. we have our next dr. appt on monday. i dread to find out how much ive gained over the past 4 weeks. our home scale battery is dying, so it fluctuates up and down 10-15 pounds...i just cant trust the damn thing!

a week from monday i get to see you again. i wonder if i still measure big and if so, what that means for delivery? it would be kinda cool to have you on my b-day, but that puts it at 27 weeks and i know they wont do a c-section that early. i donno, i guess im just anxious to have it be over and have you here in my arms and to know that everything is OK.

daddy and i are having a really tough time right now trying to get along. i am feeling very confused and sad and alone, and its not just because of pregnancy. this is nothing new, just amplified by pregnancy. sometimes i wish i had made different choices, but if i had...i may not have your sister or you. its hard to regret something that brings me so much joy. i cant imagine my life without your sister, and i know you will just add to my happiness, i just hope we can make it thru this and work things out. sometimes i feel like your dad doesnt want to, like he just wants to give up because its easier and it would make him temporarily happy to do what he so strongly feels he needs to do. i wonder if he thinks about what his life would be like in the long-run if he does choose to give up. i cant imagine walking away from your family because family is all that matters to me, but maybe its not his top priority. i guess its hard to say and i will just have to hang on and see what comes of the next few weeks. its really hard.

well, i am guessing that by the looks of my "pregnant" belly and my body type, that i must be carrying wide and low. i dont even look pregnant unless i wear a shirt that cuts off below my breasts and i stick my tummy out.

we are almost to the 3rd trimester and the peeing constantly hasnt let up since the 1st. i thought i was supposed to have a break during the 2nd? guess not. today i honestly got up to pee once every hour. its BAD.

still emotional and feeling very alone and sad. daddy isnt much help in making me feel like im worth much and i am feeling like he doesnt want to make our relationship work. i have mixed feelings about apporaching him about what we are going to do from here, as he doesnt make any effort to show me he even cares. he hasnt said more than two words to me in the last day and 1/2, other than...will you please set your alarm for...blah. like, hey you, do this for me, but other than that, i dont want anything to do with you...

it hurts. i dont know how we got so torn apart. every day that passes just puts miles between us and our relationship is nowhere near what it used to be. i am scared about raising another child on my own, especailly without a father. i dont care what people say, kids need a dad. mya adores him and he heart would be ripped to pieces if we separated. i find myself constantly thinking about it because i have no reason to believe its not what he wants, and he makes no effort to assure me he wants to stay.

oh well, time to go pee again. whohoo pregnancy!