first off, i am huge. huge and fat and already miserable...and not even into the 30 weeks yet. god, i feel like i will explode any second...

so mark came home this morning. he came with 2 roses, one for mya and one for me. he also got mya a poo-scotch animal and some horse cards that she can play with online. he apologized for what he said, how hes been acting and how hes treated me. he seems sincere, but i have heard it before...so im taking it in but not letting it stick just yet. for the first time in our relationship, he admitted that not only does he have an addiction problem, but he is infact an alcoholic. that is a big step for him. i told him the only way it will work is if he gets himself help and he agreed. im not sure if he will go to aa or if he is thinking of some other sort of help. i honestly dont care, as long as its consistant and of value. i told him that if he still planned on his trip to iowa that he could just leave now and come back after he went there because im not going to spend the next two weeks making amends and then have him go there and throw it all away. if we are going to start making things better, we are gonna start now if he plans on sticking around. i know it hurts him that he wont be able to see his family, but there are other solutions and we can work on a plan when the time is right.

i feel that he is honestly wanting to make a fresh start, but at the same time i will be cautious. its been a hard two weeks and even harder last two days. i am going to keep strong and stick to my guns, i will NOT let his disease ruin my family, but i will support him however i can if he truly wants it.

oh holy jesus! my back hurts and my belly is getting so big its hard for me to type and read what i am typing because i am so far back from the screen. i have a 28 week ultrasound on monday. i am looking forward to seeing miss ava again and finding out if she is still a she! we are also sliding into the 3rd trimester--so almost on the home stretch. yay!

p.s. sasquatch will more than likely get his little kitten testicles snipped this week. i cant wait, i hope it makes him more tame and a happier kitty!

today i found beer and cough syrup in his car. he is digging himself deeper in debt by using money that isnt his to pay back people he borrowed money from. i told him he had to leave, that until he could get his life figured out and until he decided he wanted to be sober...that we needed to spend time apart.

he apologized for the way hes treated me and for the hurtful things hes said, i said that his apology wouldnt change things. it never has in the past.

he packed his things and left. after he left i noticed he forgot his box of stuff. whats interesting is that he didnt forget his beer. funny how that works, isnt it? he came back for his stuff and i dont know when i hear from him or see him again. he told me he would let me know he is ok and asked if i wanted him to keep in touch. of course i do, but i didnt tell him that. i told him that i couldnt tell him what he needed to do anymore...he has to figure out whats important on his own.

i had my brother take mya to mcdonalds so that she wouldnt be here when he left, or see him take his things. i knew it would upset her. she doesnt know that hes not coming home tomorrow morning and i am not looking forward to her asking when daddy will be home.

i hate hanging in limbo. i want to fix things now--if they can even be fixed. i hate that he let it go this far and i wonder how long it will take him to realize just how deep his problem runs, if ever. its hard, really, really hard.

well...here i am in week 27 and feeling more tired than i did in the first trimester. im not quite sure if its the emotional stress ive been going thru, or if its just the pregnancy and my body getting tired.

today i started taking my wellbutrin again. i am going to start out with half the perscribed dose and see how i do. i hope i dont have to go to the full dose and i hope the little bit that i am taking can help take the edge off of things right now. i feel like this is the worst time in my life to have all the shit hit the fan, but then thats how it usually goes isnt it?

i had a dream last night that mark wasnt there when i had the baby, and when he did show up and i saw the baby for the first time after the c-section, she was awful--like rosemarys baby. she had my huge nose, marks moms dark and old eyes, long and stringy greyish hair and rotten teeth. i wasnt going to even write about it because i feel bad that i would ever picture her like that...but i feel like if i dont get it out that i will keep thinking about it. i imagine it is just a build up of all the stress and bullshit that i have been going thru...no baby can be THAT ugly!

anyway, here is hoping that the anti-depressant kicks in sooner than later and that i can make it thru the next few weeks without having a nervous breakdown!

p.s. i have changed my due date to august 3rd because that is what the ultrasound determined and by my last period it is august 6th...and technically i am on week 27 but the ticker above says week 26 and its annoying me! besides...whats 3 days difference?!?

test results for anemia came back OK for pregnancy and i got a 115 on the glucose test, anything under 131 is normal. im glad i dont have to do the 3 hour fasting test, that would be hell! yay!