i am so tired of waiting for it to happen. he says he wants to change, he says he loves his family and that he cant live without us, he says he will make an effort...and here i sit, and nothing has changed. BIG SURPRISE. it lasted for maybe a day. its more than the alcohol, its more than the selfishness...its everything about who he is, all crammed into one big fucked up situation. he cant see it from anyone elses point of view. he has ADD, he is manic depressive, he is an alcoholic, he has an addictive personality, he cannot budget money and spends it like its a neverending supply. we paid off a credit card a year ago and then shredded the card. when we had all this drama about him going home to see his family, he ordered the card so he could use it to buy the plane ticket. then, he agreed it was best for him NOT to go home because of his drinking problem, but kept the fucking card. hes been using it to buy smokes and food and god knows what else--looking to bid on things on ebay with it, etc. he is willing to pay interest on stupid shit, and once that card is maxed, he will go back to spending the cash. why doesnt he get it?

he missed kindergarten round up yesterday. he said he would go--and there was no reason for him to, other than she wanted him to--but he chose to sleep. that pissed me off. it was 50 minutes of his day, 50 minutes that he couldnt sacrifice for his daughter. he will never get that day back with her, and he just doesnt get it. he came home from work this morning and decided to stay up ALL day because he couldnt sleep. why couldnt he sleep? probably because he slammed down several candy bars, a lot of mountain dew and some energy drinks. when i confront him about it, and remind him that if he stays up all day and works all night, that he will SLEEP saturday away (as usual) he acts like he cant figure out why it pisses me off. SATURDAY is our ONLY day together, and he ALWAYS sleeps ALL day and stays up all night when i have to get up and work on sunday. what isnt there to get? are you that stupid? no, didnt think so...just selfish.

im fed up. i told him if hes gonna blow thru the credit card he may as well make the fucking trip to see his family. so, he got the tickets. stupid thing is that he will travel all on saturday, be there sunday and travel all monday to get home. $300+ for 24 hours in a shithole, so he can party and drink with his family--although he will deny that to no end. he has made NO attempt to figure out what it is that he is going to do to stay sober, and now he will have the opportunity to drink freely without anyone knowing it. yay for him. sounds like he really wants to change. WHAT A FUCKING JOKE.

oh my god, i am so tired of all the drama these pregnancy horomones bring. not that i am going to put all the blame of stresses in my life on me...i know a lot of it has to do with husband. husband is selfish and wanting to make a lot of stupid choices right now, thinking like an 18 year old, not a man who is almost 30 with one kid and another on the way. i dont understand why men lack the emotional part of the brain, or why they lack reason and logic. (not all men of course).

time is a ticking away and baby is getting closer to coming. my stress level has topped itself off several times over the past few weeks, and i dont know how much more i can handle before i blow. baby seems to be pinching something in my back and i cannot get comfortable in any position, and often the pain is unbareable. i hope it doesnt continue thru the rest of the pregnancy. i cant see myself surviving another 12 weeks with the pain. last night it only got worse, like ive pulled something in my left side. its a sharp and pinching pain that makes it impossible to move certain ways.

on a lighter note, we got our maine coon cat neutered yesterday. he is groggy and a little sluggish. i feel bad for him, but am hoping this will help with his disposition. he can be sweet when he wants, but has an awful and mean streak. i hope he isnt in too much pain. hes been somewhat nice, but im thinking that once the glazed look in his eyes goes away, his old personality will come right back.

i am hoping to work on the girls room a little today. i have been lacking in motivation, but know i need to get it done. the weather is supposed to hit a high of 90 this week--and im sure it will only get warmer or stay warm from here on out. we still have so much to do and im just not wanting to do it in the heat of june--and july will be pushing it. i need to get the ball bouncing! it seems that lately my energy comes in small spurts. i am back to the tiredness of the first trimester--getting so exhausted by about 8pm that i can hardly keep my eyes open thru american idol. my sleeping has been off too because of frequent potty breaks and also having to get up to eat and take my meds, along with the noise husband makes in the am when he gets home from work.

i can tell its getting down to the wire. i am so excited to bring this little life into the world, but at the same time i am scared shitless. i am scared of the surgery, of the recovery and of being a new mommy again. my brain tells me i will be ok, but my mind tells me im in for a ride. i am thankful for the help of my mother and i hope that together, she and i can prepare miss mya for school and get ava on a schedule so that when september rolls around and im home alone the majority of the time, i will be able to make it thru the day without going insane. when mya was a baby i had old grandma here for support and mark didnt work nights. i just feel very overwhelmed. i miss grandma.

wow. i cant seem to keep the tears back. there are so many things that i worry about...too many to list. i know in the end things will be OK, but the build up to it is sure keeping me in limbo. i am so thankful for what i have and i love my family more than anything in this world.

had an ultrasound today to determine and measure growth and fluid. evidently we got the time wrong and ended up being 30 minutes late. they still took me in, but would not allow mark and/or mya to join me. the ultrasound tech. was far from "nice" and wouldnt even guess if ava is still ava, or if ava has become emmett. omg, cant you just humor me...to be nice? she was all about business and at the end didnt even give me a clean towel to get all the gunk off my belly. ive been in for many ultrasounds and this was the frist where i felt like i was a burdon on the tech.

oh well. it irritates me that mark got up and went (because he wanted to, not because i made him) and he didnt even get to see his baby. whats the difference between sitting in the waiting room and/or in the chair in the corner of the ultrasound room? poopie!

did get another profile pic. my scanner is unplugged and the pic isnt the best quality, so im not gonna bother--but shes got a big noggin for sheezy. must be a mix of marks german schnoz and my jewish characteristics.

i guess thats it for now. mothers day was good--we were joined by a crazy woman and it made for a stressful and restless night, but i got a card from mark (amazing, i know) and also several from the feef. i felt loved, somewhat anyway!