not much to report. ava moves A LOT, a lot more than i would like. when i sit here and check email and type, she tappaty-tap-taps at my lower belly (REAL low), almost like shes saying "hey, hi there...guess what? you are SMOOSHING ME!" i hope thats not the case, but i imagine that because i am overweight, it may be very possible that she is stuck under a fat roll...

now, onto more serious and depressing issues:

oh, where to begin? i cant even remember what i wrote last about my "marriage" situation...marks been using again--all along as a  matter of fact. when i kicked him out two weeks ago and he stayed with my drug abusing foster sister and suddenly had a realization...he asked if he could come home. he talked the good talk and brought flowers and gifts for beautiful daughter. he cried, he admitted he had a problem, he admitted he is an alcoholic, he even gave me details of what he does and how he goes about doing it. i didnt pry, but i listened and even tho deep down i knew he was full of shit, i gave him the benefit of the doubt. i want to trust him and believe in him--isnt that what you are supposed to do for someone you love? on mothers day he made a slight effort...but not enough to really make things better. from there, all went downhill. he started his bizarre hours, inducing his manic highs and medicating himself into a downfall. i had my suspisions, but tried my hardest to follow what i learned in al-anon...you cant check up on the addict, you cant monitor them and you cant try to come between them and their drug of choice. you have to let them bottom out and realize they need help, you cant make that choice for them. my only request was that he not use. period. as long as he wants to live here and be a part of this family, he has to be clean.

on sunday, i found a fresh bottle of cough syrup in the garage. i confronted him. he denied it. he passed out after being up all night and all day (again, a self-induced manic high). against what i know and am trying to teach myself, i searched his car. more empty bottles in the glove box and a receipt proving hes been buying it. i confronted him and told him that he needs to deal with his problem. he was so out of it (and probably high on something) he couldnt keep his eyes open or focus on me or what i was saying. i was devistated and although i knew it was coming, i was just disappointed for the infinate time.

i talked to my mom. i talked to my aunt. i talked to marks best friend. i took some time for myself and i calmed down. when i came home, i decided to let him sleep and pack his stuff, and not to fight or cause more stress that night. i figured he could take his stuff to work and just not come back. mya and i slept in the family room. not so much fun when youre 7.5 months pregnant. my back still hurts 3 days later. he slept for close to 17 hours, got up 15 minutes before he had to leave, showered and left without saying goodbye or taking his packed stuff. i was pissed.

so, he comes home today and i asked him why he didnt take his stuff, why he was home and what he wanted from me. ive been very clear about how this is going to pan out if he makes these choices, this is nothing new to him. so...he packed up the rest of his stuff and left, again without saying a word. after a number of text messages and phone calls, he ended up back at the house. of course, he is not willing to sacrifice his trip to iowa and start treatment today--which is what he would really do if he was truly serious about getting clean. he wants that one last fling--like the guy who has to screw that hooker just before he gets married and realizes hes going to be sleeping with the same woman for the rest of his life. bad analogy, i know.

ive done all the research, called all the necessary people to find out what our coverage is for chemical dependency treatment, etc. i have the names and numbers of people he needs to contact to start this process. i gave him those things and told him to make the arrangements...he didnt. he left the info. on the washer and went to bed, again sleeping until 15 minutes before he had to leave for work. that left no time for him to do what he needed to do to arrange things.

i guess the point i am getting at is that i am so ashamed of myself. i went back on what i said and told him he could stay here thru the weekend. i know he has nowhere else to go and even though i KNOW he needs to suffer, i also realize that if he loses his job, i dont know how we will survive. it was a tough decision to make, but in the end i had to think about my (near) future. this baby will be here in less than 2 months and we have bills galore and i just dont know what i will do if i have to do it alone. its really hard, a. knowing that i am aiding him, and b. that he will do what he wants and get what he wants (as usual) and i will get the shit end of the deal. i will stand strong on this tho: if and when he comes home from iowa, he WILL NOT come back to this house unless hes arranged for treatment. at that point, i dont care if he loses his job or is so angry he leaves me. THAT will be the cut off point.

the worst part of this entire ordeal is that he says some of the most hurtful things to me, and i dont know when he really means it or when he is just saying it to hurt me. of course, it hurts me every time, no matter what. his latest is that he misses home and doesnt know if he wants to live "here" (meaning oregon) anymore. then, he tells me that he loves me and that he only wants me. well buddy, you cant have your cake and eat it too...my life, my family, my EVERYTHING is established here. he MOVED here and decided to establish his life here, to raise his children here and to live his life here...so, what a kick in the ass, huh?

i donno. im spent and the feef is driving me crazy. i cant seem to keep a straight thought so im gonna end this here. i cant imagine anyone reading this, but i feel better getting it out and knowing that it is here if and when i need to re-read it for my benefit. i cant believe this is what my life has turned out to be...how.fucking.pathetic.

my, my, my...the past few weeks you have been so active. it seems like you are on a constant move. i feel little jibs and jabs all thru the day, and tippity-taps, kicks and waves of you flipping and flopping. i have to admit, i HATE the feeling of you moving. its like an alien has taken my body over and often it makes me feel nauseated. i do like the fact that it lets me know you are in there and growing and are OK.

weve hit week 29...our ticker has almost covered the 30 week point. yay! it seems like yesterday that i started this blog and we were at the very beginning...such a long time ago tho. i cant wait for this to be over and for you to be here. im scared, especially if your daddy doesnt decide to get help. i dont want to do this alone, but i will if i have to. not that i will be alone anyway, yaya is here and so is big sister and other family and friends who cant wait to be a part of your life. you are so loved already. lets make the next 9-11 weeks FLY BY!!

it seems that i sit here a lot lately and write about the disturbing things that are happening in my marriage. it seems that this is my only real (personal) outlet. its the only place i feel like i can get stuff out and not have anyone i know (well, other than ONE person), know what im feeling or what is going on in my life.

the last two weeks of my life have probably been the worst. mark is constantly testing our relationship and crossing boundaries that shouldnt be crossed. i want so badly to trust him and believe in him and be supportive of him, but he doesnt diserve that from me. he hasnt earned it. he has made me and my family miserable and i cant let him drag me down with him. i cannot imagine going thru this alone, but it may be the end result, and that scares the SHIT out of me. i am in a constant state of panic and am on edge, feeling like im on the verge of a breakdown, i just dont know when and where it will happen.

he has been lying to me all this last week. hes been buying cough syrup on his credit card (i had suspected) and then telling me he isnt doing it. i found 2 new bottles and a recepit for one. even when sitting in front of him with the proof in my hand, he is in complete denial. he has made arrangements to spend next weekend in iowa. that is the biggest mistake on top of everything else. this trip will do nothing but hold him back and enable him to dig himself in deeper.

i am heartbroken that mya is stuck in this situation. i feel like im taking her daddy away from her (even though i know im not) and she just doesnt understand why daddy is leaving and how long he is going to be gone, etc. and i dont know what to tell her because i honestly dont know myself.

there are a million thoughts and emotions rushing thru my head, its hard to NOT think about it. its even harder with him in the same house. ive decided to let him sleep in the bedroom tonight and mya and i are crashing in the family room--its cooler in here anyway. ive packed his bag and its ready to go. he has to leave, i cannot live like this anymore or im going to snap, i have to keep myself healthy.

i am mostly numb to this whole situation. there are so many people in my life that love and support me and are disappointed in mark for the decisions hes made. so many people that would just like to see us split apart and be done with it. its not honestly what i want, its not what im hoping for. i want him to get better, i want him to want a life with me and our children, i just dont know that he will ever wake up and realize what he is losing. im afraid of being alone. im afraid of having to put my kids in day care and trying to find a way to pay the bill. im afraid of having to take on the financial responsibility of raising 2 kids on my own. im afraid i will never find another man who loves me for me and not what i look like. im afraid. i do love him. somewhere deep in his lost and selfish soul, there is a caring man that i laugh with, that i share first memroies with, a man who gave me the most beautiful gift in the world--my daughter--a man who i think really does want to work hard and do whats best for his family, he just cant seem to get it together long enough to work through it. i know i cant make this decision for him and im afraid he wont choose to get help. maybe this really is the end for us. maybe it was never meant to be. i just dont know.

i need him to go so i can focus on mya, so i can focus on myself and taking care of the baby. there are so many things that need to be done and i need to stay motivated to get working on them. it doesnt matter if he is here or not, baby ava is going to come and i have to be ready. im trying to be strong, but it is SO hard. it is so hard when mya asks questions and when she puts little pictures and special toys in his suitcase when im not looking. i think shes afraid she wont ever see him again and that he will forget her, and that breaks my heart. no child should have to go thru this and i am taking a lot of guilt upon myself, even though i know its not mine to carry. i feel like because i am so consumed with trying to get thru this pregnancy and now on top of that, also dealing with marks addiction issues, that mya gets put on the back burner and maybe she doesnt know how much i truly love her. she is my reason for living, she is my life and ive failed her. i want to make things better, i want her to know how very loved she is.

oh god...i have to stop crying and relax before i have a panic attack. there are so many things running thru my head and i just cant seem to turn the switch off...i wish i could. i guess tomorrow is another day, so i shall go try to sleep now and start fresh in the morning.

so here it is, 3:39am, sunday morning. saturday brought HOT weather. too miserable to stay at home with a broken a/c unit. mya and i showered up, packed our swimming suits and drove to uncle toms. we spent the later part of the afternoon in the cool swimming pool. what a relief! it was baby avas first swim with mommy and it felt GOOD. it was enough to take the edge off. of course, mark stayed home because he was too tired to get up from his 2 day hiatus. i let it go and had a great afternoon with my daughter. i also realized that the swimsuit that i bought over 8 years ago, that has lasted thru 2 pregnancies with me, is now shot. damn! i will have to buy a new one. it was a speedo tho, and was well worth the $80 or so i spent on it.

anyway, feef, uncle tom and i went to home depot to purchase another a/c window unit and tom was kind enough to load it into my trunk. i came home (by this time it was almost 9pm) and tried yet again to wake sleeping beauty. no such luck. i thought maybe he would get his ass up and install the new unit. somehow i knew that wouldnt happen. spent the evening watching tv and trying to keep my eyes open. mya tried several times to wake daddy up. she is so lonely for his attention, but he just doesnt get it.

he leaves next saturday for 3 days away from us--which means at least 2 days of drinking. then, back home and back to his usual self and schedule. he will be too tired to have much to do with us, and then will have to go straight back to work. it will be 2 full weeks before we get another saturday together again, and i am skeptical that he will have turned a new leaf by then.

when he did finally wake up at almost 1am--when mya and i were off to bed and i confronted him about how it hurts me that he pissed yet another day with us away again...he called me a bitch. then he left. then, after thinking about it for some time, he came and said he was sorry. but, the point is, i am a bitch. according to him, all i do is nag and nag and nag at him. i guess begging for his attention and wanting to spend time wtih him is catergorized as "nagging " in his book. so, ok, i will just take full responsibility for all the wrong in our relationship. its my fault he consumes massive amounts of sugar and caffine and goes into a manic state, and then spends the time he could be spending with his family--alone. he alienates us and makes choices that make me feel like a sack of shit, but because he cant see thru his thick skull, i will pile the blame on myself. ive come to the conclusion that it will never get any better. its all just a bunch of smack talk so he has a place to stay.

i constantly ask myself if i truly love him. maybe i dont. he makes me question it A LOT. i love him because he is the father of my daughters, because he provides for us, because hes never cheated on me, because when he wants to, he can make me feel loved--it just doenst happen often enough. i hate--HATE--that i have to ask for him to show me love, it should just be something he does because he means it. thats what love is all about, isnt it? wanting to share that feeling with the one you love? he lacks big time in that area.

i wish i could just get thru these next few hot months and have this baby and go back to being the person i was before pregnancy consumed me. i miss my daughter and the close and strong relationship we had. i can often tell she is disappointed with our interaction lately and with all the stress and anger i have been experiencing, a lot of it gets pushed towards her, and not only is it not her fault, its not fair to her. she diserves a better mother. i feel like im losing my mind.