well, i just got home from dropping mark at the airport. it seemed to take forever to get there and it took all i had in me not to cry. i had to think of everything funny and also about how angry i am at him right now. i wanted us to talk, but i wasnt going to start. its his turn to start trying...and if he doesnt...then i guess thats it. ive let him drain everything out of me and he has hurt me beyond belief. i am sad to see him go, but happy at the same time. happy that i will have some time alone and altho i know i will be thinking of him, i can live the next few days by myself. i wont call or text, i will let him contact me. we didnt make arrangements for me to pick him up on monday, so i wonder if he even intends on coming back. im sure he is because he doesnt have the means to live out there, but you never know...and i was real straight with him that if he wasnt ready to go to treatment, not to bother coming home. so, i guess we will see.

im going to go try to get some sleep now. its been a LONG two days and an even LONGER month. its time for a new beginning!

oh my god, i tossed and turned ALL NIGHT. my entire body hurts and baby has been moving NONSTOP for hours, making it very hard to get comfortable. i dont know why i couldnt sleep...couldnt get comfortable...couldnt stop my mind from racing...i donno.

taking husband to pdx tomorrow to catch a plane back home. i am so angry and hurt by him right now that i dont want him to come back. god, he has hurt me. HURT. i cant being to imagine how i will ever forgive him, or if i will ever be able to. he has so much work to do and i just dont think hes got it in him. he is a selfish addict. selfish and hurtful. i wish i could feel differently about it right now, but i cant see light at the end of the tunnel. all i see is anger and frustration and lies and distrust.

why me?

oh how irritating. i mean, ive known for some time that ava is one of the top 10 baby names of the last two years...but ive had it picked out since mya was born back in 2002. at that time i think it ranked something like number 82 or 83. i hope to god that when she is in grade school that ava isnt the equivilant to the name michelle or amy when i was growing up. like, she will have to be "ava b." and there will be all kinds of other avas from the alphabet in her class...

i used to hate having a unique name. it made me stand out from the other kids and a lot of the time it was embarassing...but now im thankful that im not one in ten. its rare when i hear my name (altho its becoming more and more popular), but when i do, its always fun to be like--hey thats my name too...how do you spell it?

i donno. im not about to change my choice. ive been set on it for years. i always said if i had a baby girl her name would be lillian helen--and we settled on mya-lily helen, and now im set in stone on ava claire. oh well i guess! everyone ive told it to says they like it and i guess if she is one of those kids that has to grow up as "ava b." its not the end of the world.