oh my...i worked today and then came home and sorted thru about 2.5 years worth of feefs clothes to donate. ive been up and down and my lil toes are feeling like stuffed sausages. i havent really had any issues with swelling this pregnancy--my wedding ring even fits still--so im sure its just from being on my feet so much today. oh well, it shall pass im sure.

i am finally getting the girls rooms seperated. weve moved the beds and have the closet in avas room organized. myas room has a lot more work to do, mostly because its been used as a storage room for about a year. its coming together tho. weve decided to leave up the classic car wallpaper until ava is born, just in case ava turns out to be emmett...that way we can just swap rooms. im crossing my fingers thats not the case tho. im thinking i may be able to bring the crib, changing table, etc. home next weekend. thats a relief.

good news, mark is going to rehab tomorrow. i am so happy. it sucks because its inpatient, but i think thats whats best for him. i think thats the only way it may really benefit him. i donno how im gonna pay the bills, but i will figure something out. it will be the longest weve been apart since he worked for swift. im gonna miss him, but it will be better in the end, and this way we will be headed down the right track when ava is born. the place he is going is in st. helens which is about 45 miles from where we live. it will be interesting when we go to visit or when they want me to join him for counseling, etc. its gonna be a drive! i am feeling somewhat relieved about the situation tho.

i guess thats about it. have my 31 week prenatal tomorrow and i will be going every 2 weeks for the next month, then every week in july. this baby will be here before i know it! i hope im ready!

tomorrow mark has his chemical dependency evaluation appointment. i dont know what will happen, but i pray that they will admit him for inpatient. i just dont see him getting better if he doesnt have structure and constant monitoring. he wants to go, he knows he needs it. its the worst time possible for him to have to take time off work, but if it means him getting better...i guess its what we have to do. i am scared, but hopeful. i want this to work out for him and i want us to start working towards a better life.

its hard thinking about it and even talking about it. mya knows he may be leaving, but doesnt understand why or for how long. i feel sad for her, but at the same time, this may bring her daddy back to her. shes drawing him a picture to take with him and its so sweet. she loves him so very much.

now, onto better things. my brother came over today to help me move furniture around so i could start cleaning the girls rooms. mom agreed to let me make old grandmas old room into a room for mya. she is excited and im happy that i dont have to cram both girls and all their stuff into one small room. i think this will work much better. plus, its nice to be getting things cleaned up and organized. i feel more like my old self--a little anyway.

ava will be here before we know it and i still have so much to do. its going to be strange the next few weeks if mark does get inpatient. its been years since weve spent more than a day or two at most apart, even tho it seems like weve been living apart for a LONG time now. it will give me a chance to get things straightened out around here and get my head in a good place. im glad this day is finally here and i am hopeful that things will start to get better.

like so many lately...today was a hard day. marks plane was delayed twice and i ended up getting to the airport earlier than anticipated and of course, had to pee. i parked and went inside, checked his flight status and headed to the bathroom. i must have just missed him exiting the gate because he was evidently out smoking when i got out of the bathroom and the bathroom is right outside the exit hall.

anyway, he called me and i told him i would meet him at baggage claim. i headed downstairs and watched for him--saw him from afar and my heart jumped into my throat and i started to have a panic attack. i didnt know how i would react, but i knew the minute i saw him that i could not walk up to him without breaking down, so i stood by the door in the corner and cried (hopefully not many people noticed). i tried so very hard to hold it in, but i couldnt. he got his bag and walked over to me and i couldnt even look at him, especially not in the eyes. i walked ahead and lead the way to the car, trying to hold back my tears the whole time. he didnt say much. the car ride home was quiet and again, i cried off and on. my emotions are off the wall and i dont know what to think or how to handle my anger, frustration, hurt, sadness and overwhelming sense of hatred for him right now.

he tried to talk to me, but i just couldnt muster up more than a word or two before i could feel myself choke up, so i kept it short. i laid down for a nap and he came in and laid down and put his hand on my belly and rubbed my back--as much as i wanted to respond, i didnt. i just dont want him to think things are going to be ok again. i dont know if they will ever be ok again. hes been asleep since 4pm and its now 10pm. mya wants to spend time with him so badly, but he wont get up for anything. it pisses me off to no end that he cant even get up to spend a half hour with his baby girl who loves him unconditionally and who missed him more than anything. she doesnt understand and it breaks my heart. right now i just want to kill him and it sickens me that i have to spend the night in the same house with him. he has a treatment intake appointment tomorrow morning. i wonder what will happen and how things will go. i wonder if he will be honest with the doctor or if he will lie like he has been. i wonder if i will be at all involved. i wonder when this will all end.