the last two days have been really hard for me for some reason.

last night i blew up at feef because she spilled a cup of uncooked rice on the kitchen floor. she gets so excited when i cook and always wants to help, but ALWAYS spills something. it was like 90+ degrees in the house, the kitchen was already a mess and i was cooking a cake and trying to make something to eat before i got sick...and it all hit me at once. i feel so bad that i yelled at her and then i just cried non-stop for 20 minutes. i feel so stressed and so frustrated and so depressed. i feel very alone.

today i had my 3rd non-stress test. it went well. hard to believe. when i got home i was sitting at the dining room table chatting with mom and mya pulled out the heavy chair and set the rough metal foot right on my toe. IT FUCKING HURT. i yelled in pain. she got upset and ran off crying. mom got mad at me, and again, i felt overwhelemd. i didnt mean to upset mya, but i swear...everything seems to happen all at once and i feel like ive been taking inventory on everyone but myself--and i feel like nobody gives a shit about me or where i am at lately.

i got upset and ran out of the room and cried for another 20 minutes or so. it didnt help one bit and i felt very alone. mom got mad and left. she gets stressed and irritated and mad at me for being "emotional" or for yelling ,etc. but, she never stops and checks herself when SHE does the same damn thing. im sorry the chair to the toe, ripping my flesh, hurt, and that i yelled...when she hurts herself, she screams and yells "god damnit" in triplet. she yells at mya and its ok, but when i yell at mya, its wrong. it is wrong. its wrong when any of us yell at her, but i hate the fact that when she is stressed or depressed or having a problem, its ok for her to let it all out, and when i am feeling overwhelmed and overreact, she thinks im some sort of drama queen.

i am really trying to make it thru the end of this. god, i have no choice, but its tearing me apart. i am beat down and done with everything. i feel like im being punished and i dont understand why. mark has been SO MUCH BETTER since hes been back home, but now hes taking our finances for granted again and we will be overdrawn shortly, just for a pack of smokes. he just doesnt get it. this just adds to my stress and there is no relief in sight. why doesnt he get it?

baby ava, why dont you be nice to mommy and come a little early? healthy, but early? please.

god, this was SO annoying. i have NO clue how they expect you to collect ALL your pee-pee for 24 hours. some of us have lives! i lugged an old broken water bottle around with me all day so i could urinate & save while i was out and about. it was more difficult than i had anticipated, mostly because the water bottle was too long and when i went to use it, it almost hit the toilet water. at one point i tried so hard to adjust and moved slightly to get the right angle--which evidently wasnt the right angle, because as i threw myself off balance, all the urnie i had collected from before dumped itself into the toilet. god, i was SO pissed! ahhhhhhhhh! this was my 2nd attempt. i have NO clue how important it is that they get every single droplet of pee, so i hope what i did save is enough. oh, and why do they put it in an orange collection "tank"? it looks like a jug of OJ in the fridge...

fun, fun, fun. i can feel the baby practicing breathing. at first i thought it was hick-ups, but when i saw the ultrasound yesterday and felt my belly tonight, i realized thats what i was feeling. kinda cool.

my skin is SO itchy. i am ready to rub sand paper all over my body. showering before bed seems to help, so thats what im off to do. tata for now.

again, elevated blood pressure at this weeks appt. not by too much, but enough to have my dr. on edge. a little glucose in my urine, but probably just from frosted shredded wheat i had before my appt. no protine tho, so thats a good thing. all blood labs came back normal. have to start the 24 hour urine collecting tomorrow morning. cant wait to have a jug of urine in my fridge for 24 hours!

tomorrow i get to start nsts for the next 4 weeks--twice a week. yay. cant WAIT! i donno...i am just so ready for this baby to come, i wish it would happen sooner than later. i am miserable, uncomfortable and i am too fat to do anything "normal" anymore. i guess thats about it.