well, we are now 6 weeks into this ordeal. its amazing how fast and slow time passes by when you are waiting...

i have felt a bit ill, but nothing to complain about compared to last time. its mostly in the morning hours--like 8-11ish. i donno if its consistant and i hope it doesnt last. it is so hard for me to stuff my face every few hours. i feel so full and fat and bloated, and sometimes i just dont feel like i can fit any more in there...but if i dont, i will get sick. i hope this all passes soon. im still in that waiting period. wondering if and when it will hit and praying it wont. i imagine (knock on wood) if i can make it the next 4-5 weeks, i will be in the clear, at least thats what im hoping. then maybe the days will fly by. not that i really want them to, but i want to get to the end, fast!

i keep thinking about how this is my last year at home with mya and it makes me sad. sometimes i wonder if what i chose to do was the right thing. she can be so very sweet, and so very nasty all at the same time. i feel like she was a completely different person before the kids came to stay with us, and now, we get little bits of that old and wonderful mya admist bits of nasty and sassy mya.

my baby is going to be a grown up and not need me anymore. it makes me sad. i hope that she wont see this baby as a threat, but be excited about being a big sister and mommys helper. god knows, im gonna need as much help as i can get! well, now my horomones have kicked in and the emotion bug has bit me in the butt and im crying. i should probably go settle down so i can get ready for bed.

tomorrow is christmas picture/visit with santa day. fun!

well, today started out a little shakey. first, i had a headache ALL day. i ate some cereal when i first got up and then i think waited too long before i ate again. i was craving a turkey sammich from new seasons (god, that sounds good right now too...) so after mya and i showered we went there. it was hard to eat at first and i felt very nauseous. i ate slow and by the end i was feeling much better.

mya and i went all over looking for her christmas dress. we tried costco, but it was a madhouse and i wasnt about to park at the outer edge of the parking lot to (maybe) buy one thing. so, we tried target. they didnt have much selection. walmart doesnt have anything. i didnt feel like trying kohls. ruthie suggested burlington coat factory. we were lucky and found something we liked and because i got her shoes on sale, i splurged and spent $5 more on the dress than i had planned. its really pretty on her.

anyway...it was getting close to dinner and mom didnt have to tutor her 5pm appointment, so we met for dinner. i could feel myself needing to eat, but i waited and by the time we did eat, i was not feeling well again. i ate slow and certain things did not agree with my belly. i REALLY love pineapple cole slaw, but one bite and i could barely swallow it. needless to say, i didnt eat the rest! i did have salad, corn bread and soup. by the end (and it took us over an hour to eat) i felt much better. i am hoping its not the beginning of hg, but just that i shouldnt let myself go so long without eating--even if its just a snack or something. the problem is that i dont feel hungry and its hard to make myself eat, even just a cracker, if i dont feel hungry. i would rather stuff myself every few hours than get sick again though, so im gonna try to keep better track of it.

i guess thats about it for now. i cant believe christmas is less than two weeks away. i dont even have the tree decorated! i feel so behind and overwhelmed! somehow i will get it done though.

had the reynolds christmas white elephant party today at todd and margarets. mark had to work, so it was just mya and me. word got out about the baby, and by the end of the party (4 hours later) some 30 or so people knew. i got hugs and squeezes and a lot of congratulations. everyone was truly happy for us and are praying everything will go well and i wont get sick.

had a nice time. gave amy the voodoo pregnancy doll. she seemed to get a kick out of it. i feel bad that shes stuck in a relationship that isnt going anywhere and with a man who isnt willing to give her what she wants. its too bad she doesnt realize that if she stays with him, she will probably never get married or have a baby. i want whats best for her, but shes gotta figure that out on her own.

tax kicker check came! yay for christmas shopping!!

tomorrow is the white elephant. its been planned for months. i was looking forward to spending the day with mark & mya, but mark calls my cell while im at work tonight and informs me that hes opted to work tomorrow. i called him back and he asked me if i was mad at him...how does he expect me to feel? i never see him. he works and sleeps and the inbetween time is for driving. im lucky if i get to spend 1 day a week with him, and the one day that we both have open, he chooses to work and the has the balls to ask me if it upsets me? wtf?

i feel so alone. not alone like there isnt anyone there for me, but alone like he doesnt want to be a part of us anymore. we have been growing apart for years and every time i confront him about it, he goes into defense mode and takes 5 steps back. am i that horrible of a person? i feel like i have to beg for his attention. why? why should i have to beg for anything from the person who is supposed to love me unconditionally? im beyond thinking he doesnt love me anymore. i feel so rejected and i hate that he is doing this to me during this part of my pregnancy. i am worried and scared and i need his support. he hasnt even asked me how i am doing or how i am feeling. i hate that these things run through my mind. people i work with are more kind to me and concerned about my wellbeing than my own husband.

i wish i had someone...someone to make me feel like i mean the world to them.