well, yesterday was christmas. except, christmas for us starts on christmas eve. divorce makes it a bitch. mom gets us for christmas eve and dad has us for christmas day. this year was kinda different.

sunday evening we had a dinner with my dads side of the family. we havent seen them for about 4 years. it was nice and i enjoyed it, plus that meant that meant we didnt have to attend a christmas day celebration at his house--i always dread that. christmas eve was spent at home with the usual family and friends. it was a mellow day and actually not too stressful. its hard to believe that next year we will have a 5 month old to celebrate with! mya had a great time and in her words got..."everything i ever wanted!" im glad. it was fun to watch her, thats what christmas is all about, seeing the magic in your childs eyes. we announced at dinner that we were pregnant. most guests already knew, but my brother and his girlfriend--and mya--had no clue. it was a relief. mya seems happy and i caught her eyeing my belly several times...

christmas day it snowed! its the first time its snowed on christmas day in over 10 years! it was a nice surprise. we spent the afternoon at morgans with the kalhars. that was nice and i enjoyed myself. for once, christmas was comfortable and relaxed, and spent with the people i truly love. next year there is talk of going to sun river with the entire reynolds side of the family--us included. that would be so fun.

after all the excitement yesterday, i settled down and called my father to wish him a merry christmas. i finally told him that we were expecting a baby. he seemed less than thrilled and laughed nervously. i was very clear that it was not an accident, that we had planned it, and that we were happy and excited. he wished me well and that was about the extent of our conversation. of course, in his eyes, this means more money, and less work for me. and life is all about money, so im sure he thinks ive made a massive mistake. oh well.

i am still feeling pretty good. have been slightly nauseated off and on, but nothing a bowl of cereal or a slice of toast and 30 minutes of sitting still doesnt cure. im excited for my first prenatal appointment. i guess thats it for now...

wow, christmas is less than 3 days away. i stayed up LATE last night trying to ready the house for guests. i dusted, swept, mopped, hung stockings and garland, decorations and realized that i could not get the lights on the tree by myself. its almost 14 feet and i couldnt even get 3/4 to the top standing on a chair. its sad that its this close to christmas and i havent even decorated my tree.

i feel so alone. my husband spends as little time with me as possible. he is very distant and makes it difficult to get things done. he knows that i am overly tired and probably that i shouldnt be doing certain things, but makes it difficlut to get things done because he is selfish and lazy. i have to beg him to help me and then he avoids doing more by hiding in the basement and not answering when i call for him. i dont understand why he does that. does he think its funny? is it a joke? is he really just that stupid that he thinks its ok to treat me that way?

sometimes i wonder what the hell it is that i see in him and/or why i am even with him. he makes it very difficult to find anything nice to say about him...and even more difficult to love him. he makes me feel empty and unimportant. i feel like i should be right at the top of his list...

my emotions are on a roller coaster. i dont know how i will make it through this pregnancy if things continue to pan out the way they are right now.  

well, yesterday we had the consult with my obgyn. we arrived almost 45 minutes early and didnt even get seen until 45 minutes after my scheduled appointment! oh well. im glad we went. she is super nice and seems to actually CARE (unlike that other doctor...) and answered my questions and was supportive of the decisions i am trying to make.

shes perscribed a script for anti-nausea meds that the pharmacy will just have on back order. im glad. though i havent needed them yet and am crossing my fingers that i wont need them, its nice to know they are there if and when i do.

ive got my antidepression meds refilled and am able to sleep with the aid of ambien again. so...so far, so good. she says (in theory) that its very possible that this one is a boy because i dont have the hg back. they say that less horomones can equal less nausea, etc. i still feel like it could just pop its head up, but am feeling more and more confident each day. i truly feel like i diserve to enjoy this pregnancy, especially since it will be my last.

anyway, my first prenatal exam is on january 7th with a midwife. i guess thats about it for now...

right now i feel so alone. nobody knows what im going through and nobody seems to care. everyone says, oh, im sorry you arent feeling well...or, oh, im sorry you are sick. nobody wants to go the extra mile and help me out. i feel like im over my head in "stuff" that needs to get done. the laundry is backed up for a week, garbage and dishes and pop bottles are floating all around the rooms. mark gets into stuff and never puts anything back, so a messy room becomes even more messy because hes too lazy to pick up after himself.

this sick feeling is nothing compared to last time, but, it is enough to knock me down. ive lost control of my senses and i feel dizzy, sick to my stomache and nauseated. i feel like an alien has taken over my body and im just trapped. i think about what will happen if it gets worse, and i hate to even consider it, but termination may be the end result if i cant pull through this.

its christmastime and our tree has been sitting in the living room for weeks, no lights, no decorations. i cant see mya not getting to celebrate christmas just because i dont feel that i can do any of this by myself...but nobody else takes the inishitive to help out. its like all the sudden (no wait, this is how its always been) nobody cares.

i cannot function like this and care for my daughter. it would be amazing to have another and i want nothing more than one last baby...but i will not let it take over my being a mother and being needed by mya.

i pray. i pray that it wont get worse. i pray that it wont happen at all. i pray that i will be taken care of and that i can make it through this. i just dont know that anyone is listening.