oh the joys of depression mixed with pregnancy. we are just about at week 12. im still not showing--though my belly has extended slightly beyond the constraints of my jeans. my weight continues to fluxuate--anywhere from 5-10 pounds. i assume some of it must be water retention.

our insurance company does not cover the 300mg sr wellbutrin tablet that i have been taking for the last 2 years, so now im on 150mg 2x's a day. this is fine, except that you have to take them 8 hours apart. i have a hard enough time remembering to take my damn pills at all; i have to set my pill container on top of my contact case as to remind myself to slam down my happy pills when i put in my eyeballs, or i forget. so, as you may have guessed, the last two weeks or so, ive just been taking 1 150mg tablet a day. if i take one at bedtime, it wires me and thus defeats the purpose of ambien and trying for a good, solid nights sleep.

evidently it has been a mistake to cut back and im going to have to set an alarm or something to remind myself to take that other tablet after 8 hours. my depression along with pregnancy horomones has dug me into a deep depression that i cant seem to pull myself out of. i hate everything. i am mad at everyone all the time, and ive come to realize that the person i hate the most is myself. i am fat, ugly, bitchy, and worth nothing. i wonder why we made the decision to bring another child into the world. i am going to be raising this baby 95% on my own, on top of taking care of mya. of course, she is old enough to do things for herself now, but she shouldnt have to and i shouldnt ignore her needs.

i feel like such a failure and such a horrible mother, daughter and wife. i know that my marital situation does not make things easier, but even if things were better, i still feel like i would be in a deep hole.

i cant tell you how many times ive cried today, and some of the deepest, hardest crying i have done in a long time. my heart hurts. i wish i could feel positive about something. i feel like ive let everyone down and i cant imagine things getting any better. no worries, i have contacted my dr. office about counseling. i have another prenatal appt. in three weeks and will discuss my options at that time. dont get me wrong. i want this baby. i want to be married and i want things to work out. i want to be the best mother and wife and daughter i can be. i dont want to hate myself and i dont want to continue to push all of the important people in my life away from me. i want to feel loved and feel appreciated and feel like im worth something. i want to stop crying. i dont want to feel alone anymore. i want to have a completely normal day. i want to survive this pregnancy and have a beautiful addition to our family. i want my marriage to survive.

i just dont know what else to say. i guess i just needed to get some of these feelings off my chest.

today was our 1st prenatal appt. i met with a midwife, but she wont be following me thru this pregnancy. i have picked dr. vesco since dr. lewis has retired...

anyway, after being poked and prodded and urinating all over my hand, everything seems to be OK. we got to hear the heartbeat which made me feel a bit better. i have sort of been in panic mode wondering if everything was ok since i havent been sick like i was with mya. i guess i still cant fathom that i am getting off this easy!

like last time, my uterus measured a little big, so we will have an ultrasound within the next 2-3 weeks to determine that there arent twins in there and/or that the due date is correct. last time they decided that it was probably due to scar tissue from my ovarian tumor removal. im assuming thats what it is this time, but i guess we will see.

other than that, all is well. im glad to be a fourth of the way thru, but i wish time would fly by faster. im enjoying it, but wish it would get over fast!

anywho, time to go pass out. nighty night.

this pregnancy has had me farting more than ever...and i fart a lot. no, im not gonna deny it. women fart, like it or not. sometimes i think i could kill an entire country with my gas tho.

the thing that has really been bothering me is the tangy taste i have in my mouth nonstop. doesnt matter if i eat, drink or brush my teeth, i have this bitter, tangy aftertaste that never goes away. i have to try not to think about it because if i do, it makes me feel like im gonna barf. i guess if thats the WORST of it tho, im not complaining. i wish i could find a hard candy or something i could suck on that would keep me from knowing its there.

maybe this shall pass in a few weeks. three more weeks and i will be in my second tri-mester. oops...there goes another fart. yes, i know im crude...but i never tried to hide it.

well, its 2008. hard to believe. had a decent new years. mark & i were fighting (when are we not?) and he decided at the last minute to stay home when we had plans to go to ruth & bills. he is angry at me because i ask him not to drink because he has a problem, so he alienates himself from being around bill and his friends so he doesnt have to answer as to why hes not drinking. i support his decision not to be around people who drink, but at the same time, bill and his friends know mark isnt drinking...so i dont know what the big deal is. its like hes ashamed to admit he has a problem and isnt man enough to stand up for himself. oh well, nothing i can do about it. i went with mya and had a great time. lots of people and fun times. the drinking was kept to a minimal--at least with the women. the men mostly stayed in the garage and back room and played foosball and poker, and kept their beer to themselves.

i am just about 10 weeks pregnant (will be by next monday). some days it seems like time is moving so very slow...and others i feel like its going by fairly quick. somehow i wish i could just close my eyes and sleep until july. then again, i would miss out on 7 months of miss mya and that would break my heart. i just want it to go by fast so i can get through this hard part and have the baby here.

next monday is my first prenatal appointment. mark is supposed to go with me, but we will see. hes gotten himself on a horrible schedule and is up all night while we are asleep. im really irritated that he isnt trying more to do the work thing during the week and try a little more on the weekends to spend time with us. its really straining our relationship. sometimes he makes me feel so alone.

i am hoping that this new year, i can make a few changes on the positive side. i would like to be less irritated and happy more. i would like to be less bitchy and more positive. i would like to become more active. i would like to swim (or something that i enjoy) to keep physical and also help maintain a normal weight during my pregnancy. i would like to fight less with my husband and my mother. i would like to spend more productive time with my daughter. there are so many things...i guess i just would like to improve myself overall. depression is a bitch, but i know i can pull myself out if i keep positive.

i am so very tired and since new years, sick! sore throat, conjested, stuffy nose and ears...all that junk. i cant wait till this part of pregnancy is over and i feel like i have some energy. right now i just feel like a sleepy lump all the time and i just cant seem to get enough rest. the nausea has been minimal, and i am constantly worrying, but thanking god its not like last time. i guess some people were right, each pregnancy is different--i am still glad this will be my last though.

ok, i will go for now. time to go sprawl out and watch some tv while my body wakes up. i will write again after my prenata appt.