ultrasound
today was our early ultrasound. it confirmed that we are indeed at 14 weeks. baby looks good. cant tell the sex yet darn it! heart rate was 156 bpm. i hate the waiting game. we got two bad pics, ive added them to my photo album.
its been an off day, as are most. i easily get car sick, so going anywhere makes it difficult. didnt sleep much last night and was up early for the appt. have had two bad headaches today, and morning sickness has caught up with me this evening. im not motivated to do a whole lot just because i feel punk, and there is so much to be done. its a damn mess around here. i wish i could just snap my fingers and have it all go away.
food smells dont seem to bother me much, but regular smells drive me crazy and make me sick. even the smell of our shampoo and soap. the cat litter. the garbage. the stale air of the basement. the dirty laundry. gee, maybe this is why im not feeling like meddeling around in it much. ya think? i hope it passes soon.
i guess thats about it for now. i hope they will offer for us to have another ultrasound closer to 20 weeks so we can try to find out the sex. i just dont think i can wait until the end and be surprised...its just not in me! |
having a hard time
dear baby,
well, weve made it to the 2nd trimester. i still dont feel pregnant, though i know you are in there because i head your heartbeat at our last appointment. my belly is getting bigger, but not big enough for people to really know you are in there just yet. every day is a challenge with you...
i am not as sick or nauseated as i was with your big sister, thank god! i truly wanted to say i enjoyed being pregnant, but i dont think that will ever happen. i guess im just not cut out for it. i love mya with all my heart, and i love you already, and know it will just get stronger after you are actually here. i just wish that day would come fast.
my depression is really making it hard for me. the nausea, slight as it is, makes it hard to function on a daily basis. my life feels like its been ripped away and i have no control. i feel horrible sometimes that i cannot do the things with your sister that i should. last night she told me that her tummy hurt and she thought she was getting the flu i had. i explained to her that i didnt have the flu, but that the baby makes me sick, and she said she knew and that it was too bad because im missing out on a lot of fun stuff i could be doing with her. that broke my heart. it just reinforced that my feelings are correct, and that she does feel neglected.
your daddy works hard, very hard. but, its very hard for me because he is gone A LOT of the time and i get to spend very little time with him. the time i do get to spend with him, we spend fighting. a. because my horomones are off the damn wall, and b. because i dont think he truly understands how lonely i am and how much i miss him. all i want is some attention and affection. i feel so very alone right now--pretty funny since there is actually a person living inside me!
i guess this is kind of a grown up letter to write to a baby, but i needed to get some of my thoughts out and i dont have anyone to talk to anymore. old grandma is gone. she used to be there for me ALL the time, and although she could be mean sometimes, she always wanted the best for me. she loved me unconditionally and would do anything for me. i miss her so very much and wish i could have just one last time to talk to her and let her know how important she is to me. not a day goes by that i dont think about her or my time with her. of course, yaya is a wonderful person. she loves me, mya and even though she probably wont admit it, your daddy, all unconditionally. she loves you and wants you to be here badly. she will spoil you rotten, as her mother did to me. yaya and i are close, but never thisclose...you know what i mean? i mean, its always been hard for me to open up with her and not feel uncomfortable. she was never the hugging and kissing type. although, that has changed a bit...but i just dont feel like i can let it all go with her. ruth is great for laughs, and im sure she would be there for me through tears too...but thats just not us. amy and i are no longer close. and that leaves me with linda...but she went and moved to the beach! she was always able to just give me a squeeze and i would let it all go. sob all over her and somehow i would always feel better when it was over. i miss that so much. now, the only real way i get my emotions and thoughts out is through writing, but lately it doesnt seem to help.
i hope, i wish, that things will start to get better now. i have been through a lot and i really do want to spend the remainder of our time together (before you arrive) feeling happy and wonderful. i want to have that pregnancy "glow." i want to stop crying, i want to start laughing, i want to stop bitching at your father and i want to start feeling like i am a worthy person again. i want to make the most of my last year at home with your big sister before she goes off to kindergarten and leaves us alone to get to know each other.
next wednesday is our 1st ultrasound. daddy is going wtih me, mya cant come--shes not old enough. i am excited. i hope i dont get sick, that i can drink all the water and that they can get some good, clear pictures of you, and HOPEFULLY be able to tell us if you are a girl or a boy. then, i could start adressing you by your name! wouldnt that be wonderful?!? i want to be able to start getting things that we need for you together, but dont want to start until i know what colors, etc. to buy.
i cannot express myself in words to daddy or sister. i can only say that im sorry and that i hope they can understand what im going through and forgive me. it doesnt matter because neither of them will read this, but it makes me feel somewhat better to get it out because at least then i know that its not just in my head.
well my dear, im going to go to bed now. i am emotionally drained and i have to work tomorrow. my eyes are swollen and red and i have a headache. ahhh, they joys of pregnancy and motherhood! i love you little one. i cant wait to meet you...
heres to the next 6 months sailing by smooth, and meeting you as soon as possible. |
second trimester
well, so far, this pregnancy has been so totally different than my first. i have made it to week 13--now headed down the road thru the 2nd trimester. i have only barfed twice, and both times within the last week. i figured that since i had made it almost thru the entire 1st trimester without getting too sick, that maybe it wouldnt hit me at all. now it seems like my "morning sickness" symptoms are becoming more normal (whatever normal is...)--or i guess a better word would be "routine." i seem to be more nauseated in the morning when i get up, and at night when im trying to go to sleep. i hate the feeling like im going to vomit, and i just breathe and try to ignore it.
nothing terribly exciting happening. havent felt the baby move. i know they say its too early, but i KNOW i felt mya move at about 12 weeks. evidently i am starting to show, though i dont see it--looks more like i just gained a little weight. jaqui at work noticed right away yesterday after i had been off for a week. i cant button my pants comfortably, but can still wear them. i can tell that soon i am going to have to buy something with an elastic waist, and new--loose fitting undies. it seems that a lot of pressure makes me feel more sick. that is the same from pregnancy 1.
looking forward to my 1st ultrasound in a week and 1/2. i hope they can tell the sex. i hate not knowing...it restricts me from buying something when i see a good deal.
i guess thats it for now. |
