since i started this blog, i have been waiting for that damn teddy bear to hit that 20 week mark. IT FINALLY HAS! yay. now, its less than 19 weeks till baby ava is here.

feef has started keeping count of the days till "due date" on a calendar. each night she crosses off that day. shes excited.

anyway...20 week prenatal appt. tomorrow, followed by short ultrasound to get better pics of the heart. im crossing my fingers that they will try to get us a profile pic since we didnt get one last week. gonna go pass out now. nighty night.

its funny that when you are pregnant, there is actually someone growing inside you. there is a whole other person that is a part of you for 9 months.

right now i feel so very alone. i feel rejected and ignored by my husband. i feel like he no longer loves me or wants me. we spend very little time together, mostly because of his work schedule, but also because we fight every second we are together. i am so tired of fighting and of feeling like he wants nothing to do with me. he says he needs "his" time. i understand that, but what time is "our" time? i cant remember the last time he just came and sat with me and held me or said he wanted to do something with me. we used to be so close and do so many things together, and since ive been pregnant, he is distant.

its so hard to live this way. i hate being pregnant and being sick on top of all of it makes it even more difficult to get by day to day. i am trying my best, my hardest, but i am failing. i feel like the one person in the world who could be there to support me and help me get thru the hard times, could give a shit about me. he has no clue what i am going thru, nor does he seem to care. i try to express my thoughts and feelings to him, but its like it just bounces off him. he doesnt have an emotional bone in his body.

i wish he would just stop what he is doing and grab me and squeeze me and tell me that everything will be ok. that i am not alone and that he cares. i want nothing more than to feel loved, but him saying it doesnt make me feel it. its like just another phrase that he says because he has nothing else to say.

when did we grow so far apart? he used to be my best friend and now i feel like i hardly know him. i am so tired of being so emotional and depressed and having everyone blame it on my horomones. i dont think anyone ever stops to think that maybe this goes much deeper than pregnancy. its not like this just started yesterday, its been going on for years...its just amplified by pregnancy.

we got into a HUGE fight tonight and my mother stepped in and stopped him from leaving. talked to him while i balled my eyes out. gave us "alone" time. i just continued to cry and he just sat there, like he had no clue how to "deal" with me. i read on another website about how a woman has to take baths because she is so sick that she has a PICC line. her husband used to help her bathe, and now he just gets in the tub with her and holds her and lets her cry. he is there for her. i wish my husband was there for me like that. i wish i felt like he had an ounce of concern for me, i wish he wanted to be close to me like that man is to his wife.

i want nothing more than for this pregnancy to breeze by. i want a happy and healthy baby and i want to make it thru these tough times...but it seems like the days just drag on. i have been crying for hours and my eyes are red and poofy and raw, and i dont feel any better. mark is sitting 6 feet behind me with his nose in a video game, with no concern that i am sitting here crying. im sure he has noticed, but doesnt care to deal with me because he doesnt know how. its amazing how many times i have told him that all i need for him to do is hug me and hold me...yet he never does anything close to that. instead he distances himself from me and pretends like he has no clue what to do.

i dont understand why women are built to go thru all the things we have to, and men are oblivious to it all. why couldnt it be distrubited more evenly? i would love to sit back and watch him cry like a little bitch and just ignore him and pretend like smoking and video games (or whatever) is more important than comforting my spouse. but, instead, women have to take the bulk of the shit and when you marry someone who is clueless and selfish, expcet to be alone.

had our ultrasound today. much move extensive than any other ive had...even with mya. heart rate was 138 bpm, so i was thinking boy...but it turns out we have another girl! yay! i am excited. mark was really hoping for a boy, but hes happy. hes gonna have two daddies little girls.

spent the afternoon fighting nausea and shlepping around with mom and mya. registered at babies r us and got a bunch-o-freebies. pretty cool. we also had a little fender bender in a parking lot. a woman was making a WIDE right turn and we were heading straight up an isle, and i was staring straight at her and evidently she was on another planet (and clearly NOT looking up) and slammed straight into us. mom even stopped thinking maybe she would see us, but nope. she admitted it was her fault, and later called mom and tag teamed her over the phone with her husband, who claimed it was all moms fault. bullshit. if you look at the damage and the spot where the accident happened, you can clearly see that the damage is on the drivers side, and if we were in HER lane, the damage would have been passenger. it irritates me that some people in this world are so very dishonest. and for what? she knows shes at fault because she wants to try to work it out without insurance. nope. im making mom file an accident report and she isnt gonna get screwed. she gets the shit end of the deal 90% of the time and doesnt deserve it.

hummm...i guess thats about it. we are now half way thru this pregnancy. i hope the last half goes quick...kinda like when you take a trip, it always takes forever getting to the place you want to go, but the return trip always breezes by. i hate being pregnant and i just want this baby to be here.

miss mya is feeling a little threat from the baby business. i feel bad because i think part of why she is feeling this way is because i dont give her the attention i did before i got pregnant because im not feeling well most of the time. i am working on changing that. i want her to be a better girl, the girl i raised. she can be sweet, but she can be a devil, too.

anyway, miss ava claire bauman will be here somewhere between the last week of july and august 6th. yay!

well...only 6 more days till we go in for our ultrasound. its hard waiting! i hope you cooperate and let us find out if you are a boy or a girl. i am SO excited. i have been feeling you move a little off and on. its nerve racking tho because sometimes i dont feel you at all for several days, then there is a little tap-tap or a tiny kick or punch.

zofran is a godsend, but the constipation that comes along with it is killing me. i have finally decided to take a stool softner (as soon as uncle tom decides to bring them to me...). so, hopefully that will get better. didnt have that problem with mya. i thank god that my nausea has subsided as much as it has tho, and the days are passing ever so quickly. i have just realized that we are now in the 5th month. there is A LOT to do, im gonna have to get on the ball. once school is out for yaya, time will fly by and you will be here before we know it. i dont want to be this far behind so close to your due date.

miss mya got her hair trimmed yesterday. she looks so cute. i feel bad that i havent given her as much attention as i should lately. she is truly bored and i am looking forward to the better weather so i can take her outside a little and let her play at the park. she likes to play with other kids.

well, i guess thats it for now. i am looking forward to seeing you next week. yaya took the day off work so she can be there with mya and daddy and maybe uncle tom to see you, so plan on putting on a BIG show! nighty night for now.