this baby blog has turned into my place to rant and rave and it seems, let out all the bad and not so much the good. i read other womens writings and smile and sometimes laugh about their happy times and silly pregnancy moments, and then think about my own journal and realize that i mostly write on here when im upset or emotional. i guess i use this as my outlet for frustration and overwhelming stress and uncertainty about life.

this weekend started out wonderful. we spent a lot of time together as a family and i thought we got along well and were happy. then, last night mark started getting angry because he wanted to drink and i told him he needed to choose between alcohol or marriage and family. as far as i know he hasnt drank in almost 7 months. he refuses to attend aa and tells me he wants to drink, blah, blah, blah. according to him, he doesnt have a problem. he doesnt see any issue with not being able to control the amount he drinks, and also the anger that comes along with his alcohol consumption. he cant just drink one beer, he has to consume at least a 6 pack, and often times more...and he drinks it until its all gone. he becomes beligerant and mean spirited, he picks fights, he is downright mean and out of control. he has no concern for anything or anyone around him. he often scares me and inturn my concern for what our daughter thinks and/or feels about seeing her father act like that, grows.

i have hit a point where i have become tired of life. i am so far beyond done with pregnancy. i hate myself. i feel like a failure as a mother and a wife. i feel like a piece of shit trash that nobody cares about and i dont feel like i can fix anything that is wrong. my marriage is falling apart. my daughter is a brat and because of me, is overly stressed and high strung. i feel so alone in raising her and because it has been this way for so long, all i can do is blame myself for how she is turning out. i feel like its gone way beyond the point of no return and i have no clue how to fix it...and now we have made the choice to bring another child into this broken relationship and sorry mess of a family. i do not want to turn into my parents, fighting nonstop and ending in a bitter divorce. i dont want to become marks parents, drinking 24-7 and passing that lifestyle onto my children. all i want is what is best for my kids. i want to live a healthy lifestyle with my husband and feel like he wants to do the same. i want to feel like he wants to be a part of the family and that we are, infact, important to him...not just another annoying burdon. i want some help and i want to start beliveing in myself again. i surprised myself once before--when i decided to become a mother--and now i will have to stretch that love and balance of time and attention between two children and i just want to know im not going to be doing it on my own.

my eyes are heavy and burning from crying so much. i am overly tired and very depressed. i feel like after everything that was said and all the tears and emotional agony that was expressed, nothing has changed. not one thing was resolved except that mark (after hours of arguing and ignoring) finally warmed up to me and loved me during my breakdown. after he laid with me and settled me down, he walked away and nothing was resolved or said about any of it. it is always going to be there, lingering over our heads, just out of our reach. if we dont address it, it will never go away.

i dont want to think this way, but right now i feel like our marriage will not last far into the future. i want nothing more than to spend my life with the father of my children, with the man i fell in love with years ago and still love with all my heart, even though we have differences. somewhere deep in his heart and beyond his selfish attitude, i feel like he truly cares, i just think he forgot how to show it and how to live it. i dont know that its something he will ever get back. in the mean time, i look at myself and think about my behavior and attitude towards him, and i am disgusted. there is nothing i can do about it at this point because he has pushed me so far over the edge, that unless he starts to grow up and activly participate in family life...i just dont see things getting easiser for me, therefore making it impossible to be truly happy while im with him.

well, this has gone way beyond what i had intended and its LATE and im tired and physically drained. i hope that if people actually read this, that they dont think im some sort of unstable woman on the verge of a breakdown--altho sometimes i very much feel that way...

i just need to get a lot of this emotional stress off my chest and this has become my secret outlet.

oh my god! i LOVE oranges but havent been able to eat them because of the way the messes up my tummy. lately i have been on this mandarin orange binge. they taste SO good and i could just eat jars and jars of them.

i miss starbucks so much. the first thing i want after i recover from my c-section is a venti iced carmel cappuccino. YUM! i havent had a coffee since i had the feeling i was pregnant...so that would have been late november. thats over 5 months! ooooohhhhh, i cant wait till miss ava is born. life will be fun and normal again.

i have this burst of cleaning energy. im sure it wont last, but ive made a large dent in the bedroom and am actually doing laundry. i feel the need to get organized and start getting things ready for the baby. i wish i could just wiggle my nose and zap! have it all pick itself up and look clean and pretty...but we all know thats just not possible. oh well. maybe this is the start of my feeling motivated, and maybe it will actually last until i get what i need to get done! im crossing my fingers.

thats all for now. tata.

wow, its already the 22nd of april. although the days seem to drag by and it feels like this pregnancy will never end, im amazed that its already the end of another month. looking forward to may as we have another ultrasound on the 12th.

the last two nights i have slept on the couch in the family room. not fun. my body aches and i wake every hour or so to toss and turn...never getting comfortable. of course, mya loves it. its like a sleep over and she wants to sleep in there every night now. her 5-year-old body can handle the hard recliners, and she sleeps soundly and is energized in the morning. i guess thats what being a kid is all about. it is kind of fun though, like a mommy-daughter party. i enjoy those times with her, when its just the two of us and shes in a good mood and happy, which doesnt seem to happen as much lately.

ive already eaten my own words once today, so i shall post this now: the last two days have been the least nauseating since i started the zofran almost 3 months ago. i think about it, but hate saying it or writing it for fear that i will be punished tomorrow for setting it in stone. i have felt productive and not as physically tired. now, if i could just motivate myself to work in the girls room. i think i will have to really soon tho, we need to buy the bunk beds and also transfer the baby furniture from donnas house before the heat sets in. i want it to be done and to be ready by the time school is out, that way yaya and i can spend our hot afternoons at the park with mya, splashing away in the wading pool.

i feel like if i continue to feel like i have the past few days, i can accomplish a lot...and believe me, there is A LOT to be accomplished...

i guess thats about it for now.

emotions have gotten the best of me tonight. im not sure why, i just feel down and punk. i am also not feeling physically well. heartburn is bad and i am just feeling nauseated. im off to bed and hoping maybe it will settle itself before mark gets home to make me my am snack so i can take my pills. nighty night.