What a roller coaster! I'm a mama. I'm a "stay-at-home-mom". There is a teeny baby living in my house. My body makes MILK! I willingly wake up every 1.5-3 hours in the middle of the night to have a tiny creature gnaw on my body and share in my energy. I talk about poop. There's a stroller in my kitchen, basinet in the living room, spit-up on the bed, diapers on the line. Incredible how life changes.
So, we're still here, that's a good thing. We're learning tons and sometimes it's funny. Last night we went out to a friends place for a BBQ. Jeremiah tossed his schedule and decided to jump from 3 hour feeding sessions to 1.5, just as we were in the middle of dinner. I had never nursed away from home and tend to pour milk over EVERYTHING so I was a little anxious. But...it worked! Until I realized that I hadn't packed diapers in the diaper bag...oops. Little things to work on. The evenings are going to be interesting though. I think I'll purposely keep him at 2 or 2.5 hour feedings during the day today and see if he keeps them during the evening. It almost seemed like he was tryign to catch up last night. Any tips or insight?
Yesterday, our first day alone as Jeremy went back to work, was really great yet really tough. Random moments kept me from having any nap and by mid-afternoon I felt hollow. My mind began to struggle by late evening: Why do you need to eat again, you just did? I don't think I have anything left.... Why did you poop NOW when I just put that gorgeous fuzzy diaper on you? I'm tired! I'm hungry too little man! I need a shower! I need...a moment, a step into my garden, a breath of the summer air, someone else to feed and change you, just for a minute. Why does Jeremy get to go to bed and sleep for that long? I began to blur into a grey area of exhaustion, resentment, anxiety, sadness, and self-doubt.
But then I remembered, and am learning, that there is so much in how I choose to approach this new role, so much is based on my perspective. The fact is, this is my life now, a beautiful beautiful life which I have dreamed of and in which I am SO thoroughly blessed. This is HARD work. I AM tired. IAnd it's okay, even good, to recognize these realities and tell myself, "Hey, good work! You ARE doing a ton but you're doing it and you're son is thriving!" Within that, I am learning to see each diaper change, feeding, and fussy session as my opportunity to support our son towards being a better person, a healthier body, a secure individual. This is my responsibility and task, but above that, it's my blessing because this time it's MY baby, this is MY treasure whom I have the privilege of caring for.
I know my mind may struggle on tougher nights with less sleep, and I know that I really do need Jeremy's continued help and support, and I do need moments alone in the garden and with the Lord and with my girls, but the beautiful thing is that for today I have been given the gift of raising a tiny baby boy. For the next 8 hours, I am the only one who will respond to his cries or rejoice in his smiles. It's not that I'm the one who has to do this, I'm the chosen woman who gets to do this today. My God gave me this particular little boy in this season and i will rejoice in the challenge and the blessing. I'm a mama now; a slow-to-learn mama, but one who is blessed indeed. And I love it.
2008-06-30 (baby has arrived)
One week ago today...
WOW, incredible how time flies. It's amazing; the week before this was one of the slowest, most suspenful EVER, yet now this past week has just flown and I can't even believe we're back at Monday. Crazy. This time one week ago I was moving into 'transition'; the most difficult contractions of my labour. I think we had just moved out of the shower and I was sounding like a sick dog ;) But now, one week later, I'm home with my beautiful boy and still reeling that he's really here and it's really him. I thought pregnancy was surreal, but it turns out that acutally hanging out with this little guy is way more incredible and unbelievable than the knowlege of him within me. It really hasn't fully sunk in yet. I'm no longer pregnant! We have a baby in our home! This is all real! It's funny, it's kind of like the days after getting married. I had waited for that day and moment for so many years and then it really happened! With Jeremiah, we had talked about children and parenting for so long, and my pregnancy had so many unique and challenging moments, that now, to have it come to its fullness, it's all a little amazing.
So, we're doing well. I go between this wierd happy/hyper state to an entirely exhausted unthinking daze, back and forth, throughout the day. I really like the first one! I'm pretty impressed with the resiliance of a woman's body, overall. I'm getting the least sleep of my life following the most intense experience of my life, and I'm making it! ;) The physical healing has been pretyt difficult and is still ongoing, but I think there's progress. It's pretty brutal what all goes on down there during birth. I'm keeping myself from my garden in hope of supporting the healing and stitches and stuff, but the weather is so gorgeous.... I'm so ready to feel better.
We began using our cloth diapers in full swing today and friends, they are AWESOME! I had been a little apprehensive and wasn't sure if I could pull it off, but they're not tricky at all and they look so darn cute! I LOVE the newborn Kissaluvs and wish I had bought just those for these first weeks. They'soft and cute and are better than disposables when working with the umbilical cord. Jeremiah seems almost to big for the NB size Bummis Whisper Wrap though, I bit he'll only last another week in them. Once the cord is off we'll start using the others as well (Fuzzi Bunz BumGenius). But seriously, if you've never considered cloth before maybe you should, it could be a positive experience.
Alright. I'm exhausted. I just had the tastiest roast beef dinner- YUM! One of my girlfriends organized suppers for us this past week and this was the final one. what a blessing!! It's amazing how simple things can make such a huge difference in getting through the day. Hmm...i think I'm going to go have some more....
Randoms:
- Jeremy heads back to work Wed's morning and I'll be alone with the wee one for the first time. Tomorrow's our last day settling in as the three of us. I'm up for phone calls and coffee and such during the day as Jer' heads back, feel free to say hello.
- I'm back in my jeans today! Wahooo!! Only about 2 pounds left, very encouraging.
- The placenta thing hasn't led to craziness, so that's SO good.
- Thoughts on labour/postpartum hemroids anyone...?
- I need to sleep.
2008-06-28 (baby has arrived)
The first few days
"Just a head's up, I put the hunk of placenta in the fridge...."
The above statement was said in passing to Jeremy a couple of hours ago as I stashed the random huge placental mass that decided to make a late exit. Disgusting hey? Apparently it could be cause for concern if it leads to heavier blood flow and such, so I'm supposed to hang on to it until I can show my doctor. The random things we just don't think about... ;) I think I'm fine, but it was a little terrifying in the moment.
So, we're doing well. In point form....
- I'm really tired. I'm happy and excited and content, but now and then I realize just how entirely exhausted I am.
- I'm realizing that this is life now. It's a beautiful life, and so blessed, but it circulates in two hour increments and doesn't often leave the house.
- We're so happy; with our baby, our marriage, our season. We are just incredibly aware of how blessed we are.
- My baby is incredible, just so good. He's already starting to show a bit of a routine, and he's just oh so smart ;)
Umm...what else...?
- Breast feeding is going SO well. Jeremiah has gained weight, which isn't that common this early in the game. My milk is in, he's latching, it's all still a little tricky and weird but we're doing it.
- We're walking! It's funny (and actually really affirming) when people are so shocked to see us out and around town 4 days after birth. I need all the encouragement I can get right now.
- Recovering from what went on in 'that area' is REALLY hard. i'm finding the pain and decreased mobility quite frustrating. I really just want to be normal again. Right now it feels like I never will be.
- I had homemade crisp and amazing vanilla ice cream just now. It was really seriously incredible. Eating regular food again is pretty awesome, though I'm really just craving grains and vegetables (go figure). I have lots more to write on food stuff soon. Next few days? I've learned a ton and am pretty surprised at where I'm at right now.
- Jeremy is phenomenal.
- I hope the summer slows down so I can go outside for a minute.
Other phrases that say a bunch:
"Don't look down!" (hahaha...i should not have looked...down there....)
"WOW, that's a whole lot of breast!" (so my milk came in...wow!)
"AHHH! I'm peeing...!!!" (not gonna explain this, maybe if you'vegiven birth you can relate?)
"Ouch"
"Why is my belly still here? It's bigger now than on the delivery table right after birth! Why do I still have all this weight to lose when I didn't gain much?"
"Umm...I'm not sure why he's freaking out...."
"His name is Jeremiah Augustine. Augustine.... No, it's not after my grandpa"
"Yes, we had the baby" (is my belly seriously still so big that you think we didn't??)
Anyways. So much happening. Apparently the rest of the world is stil lliving though and life goes on; weird. Our lives are forever changed and right now each hour is a journey. I'd love to chat with some of you in the next bit, let's catch up. I'm going to go feed my baby now, and then maybe sleep, I hope, please....
